Adult Continuity: Saw – A Hardcore Parody

ADULT CONTINUITY

SAW – A Hardcore Parody

Issue #25

  Greetings, reader. I suppose you’re wondering why you are in this dingy basement, or warehouse or abandoned Ohio Catholic school with an elaborate metal mechanism connecting your eyelids and your taint.

  You have wasted your fapdollar watching subpar porno parodies of Superhero, Anime, Video games and even Smurfs. Frittered away the hours in an off-hand way… yes, I know that’s a line from a Pink Floyd song, shut up!

  The point is you need to atone for your sins, at least that’s my take on it. So now you have to read all of my reviews of porn parodies on Fanboynation in chronological order. If you fail to complete this task the elaborate, creepy looking, metal contraption I made from a chain link fence stolen from a skunk breeding facility, rebar and pieces from the “Mousetrap” board game and working from blueprints I got off of a christian anti-masturbation website, will pull your eyelids off and shove them up your ass. This is a small price to pay for having watched bad porn parodies and I fully expect you to gain wisdom from this needlessly convoluted torture experience, eventually going mad and becoming my acolyte and creating your own review column for porn parodies, outrageously complex torture devices and a creepy dummy whose image can be put on t-shirts, become memes and made into Funko pops.

    So the clock is ticking, reader, open up Fanboy nation on the computer and find Adult Continuity on the columns tab.

  … ok, I know that when the cursor is on the menus bad there is an automatic drop down that freezes your ability to navigate!

  … ok, just scroll past the video game press releases that are 2 years old for games that were canceled or stuck in development.

  …no, I don’t particularly care for MMA updates, I’m a sadist but I’m not that MUCH of a sadist!

  …C’mon man, you can circle back to “Fantoy Comics” and read some very funny webcomics AFTER you…

  … listen, you’re seconds away from having your eyelids in your ass so fuckin CLICK!

  …right, I forget if there are more than 3 pages of columns, It’s been MONTHS since I wrote one… just…

  …Oh, damnit! I need to time this crap out better. Sorry dude.

  Back to “Dave’s Adult Discount Bonanza” for another victim.

  “Saw: A Hardcore Parody” is the result of two things that should never be put together – Torture Porn and Porn. Unless you’re turned on by the groups that even Fetlife is kinda ashamed to acknowledge, the technical manual warning section for power tools or Rep. Jim Jordan, I see little appeal in this blessedly small subgenre of porn. Then again, I saw little appeal in the “Saw”, “Hostel”, “Human Centipede” or any of the other “torture porn” sub genre of horror so popular in the aughts. I get that we were psychologically wounded as a country from 9/11 and that horror is a reflection of a society’s anxiety at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. Or butter my meat clown to it. 

  The “story” opens with a guy waking up naked attached to a device that has his penis chained to a wood chipper on one end and a dildo at the other. You can pretty much figure out the hard choice the guy that “viewed women as objects” will have to make. This stretches the “believability” of the set up for a few reasons: 1 – this parody torture trap is no more silly or warped than anything in the mainstream movies and 2 – If that were MY dick it would’ve retreated inside me and hid behind my kidneys.

  Next is a close up of James Barthomet eating pudding. I kid you the fuck NOT. He’s Det. Rouche assigned to the case with his partner Lynn Humpsey (Syren Demer in a disappointingly non-sex role) there is a psycho kidnapping porn performers and shooting video of them in elaborate torture schemes. Examples being a porn lady trying to figure out “Fellatio” as a term for blow job and a three way with Evan Stone, Asa Akira and Lexi Belle that ends explosively in a totally unwanted way.

  In the video’s defense the traps are no less ridiculous than anything done by the source material, except with the kind of penetration that isn’t done with knives, pickaxes, cordless drills and sharpened pinewood fence posts or whatnot. The gore is more implied than seen, a blessing that the micro budget bestowed upon this watcher. It is disturbing enough to see women in peril having to perform sex acts, even if there isn’t an overt feeling of misogyny, that it’s anti-boner fuel for me. And I’m a huge Asa Akira fan.

  In all fairness I have to admit that my disdain for the “Torture Porn” horror genre probably colored my opinion of this parody. It’s obvious Dick Chibbles and Co were doing a semi-labor of love here and have a more than solid understanding of what makes the genre tick. The sets look grimy and unpleasant, a “turning a negative into a positive” move on the production’s part that I’ll assume was intentional. Only half the sex scenes are connected to the needlessly convoluted torture traps. The other few are put in the context of the porn industry, including a “Bang the pool boy” fake out scene which, momentarily, brushes against clever. The few jokes in the vid fall flat. Bartholet has been funny in other things but just flails here. Syren Demer has a presence and fares the best of all the cast but then she was never strapped to a chair, naked with electrodes on her tits and a saw blade hanging over her head.   

  I can’t fault Chibbles and the gang for trying, and from a “emulation of source material” viewpoint “Saw: A Hardcore Parody” achieves what it sets out to do, mostly. I just can’t get behind the tone and vibe of what they are parodying. I own that.

  When you get right down to it, no porn, reality TV or “infotainment” can really justify its existence, but some examples, like this parody, The Cardashians and Tucker Carlson seem more glaring than others. I’d give “Saw: A Hardcore Parody a Pass” but maybe you grew up on this genre and you want to see a porn version of it.

  Maybe you’re an oath keeper and hiding from the FBI for your involvement in Jan 6th also.

THINGS TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN COLUMN THAT I COULDN’T FIT IN ORGANICALLY

  Been a while, things have been weird.

  Of course I chose this parody because of the release of a new “Saw” movie hitting theaters today.

  I’m not seeing it, if you were curious. 

 Boy, I sure used a lot of “air quotes” in this one.

  The only joke that kinda landed was one about a green door leading to “Screwball”’s lair. Old school porn fans will get that one.

  “Screwball” was the name given to the barely functional puppet that is in place for “Jigsaw”

  Thankfully Chibbles didn’t choose to give “Screwball” a puppet dong.

  Special mention to Evan Stone who seems to know exactly what kind of material he’s dealing with and reacts accordingly.

  Hint, there is no such thing as “Over the top” for Evan Stone.

  Two guys that really helped Chibbles out on this were Jack Vegas and Jay Ashley. Aside from performing in scenes they collectively did props, production assistants, set design, lighting, behind the scenes cams and were associate producers.

  In the credits there is a “special thanks to Jack Vegas and Jay Ashley” fuck yeah there should be.

In the credits there was “Cast and crew entertainment – Murrugun the Mystic!” I don’t know. Never seen anything like this before.

  My wife reviewed this for AVN at the time.

  The other choice was to cover “The Texas Vibrator Massacre” so, no. 

  That’s it for now, hopefully I’ll return with something in less than the time it takes to gestate a human baby.