ADULT CONTINUITY
Issue # 15
Red Dead Erection 2
Fortnut
Overlooking that one medium you watch in a theater and one you play at home the lines between movies and video games are constantly blurring. There is nothing quite like having that communal experience in a theater when the movie it hitting all cylinders. There is nothing quite like being online with friends experiencing an immersive world and killin shit together. Both cost a lot of money to make. Both have their rabid and casual fans with just about every point on the spectrum in between. Both have a thriving subculture that are privy to in-jokes and industry scuttlebutt. Both have whopping big (and often hot) seats at the table for cultural conversation. Both have… and this is most important to this column, porn parodies.
Of course those communal experiences can be ruined by one inconsiderate jack-ass taking a call in the middle of the emotional climax of a movie. Some kid who’s spent a ton of dough on loot crates and is so overpowered you don’t stand a chance against them. Both cost a lot to attend/purchase. Rabid fans can be total ass-holes and impossible to deal with; a undeserved sense of entitlement growing with the belligerence brought on by anonymous forums. In-jokes are really only funny if you’re “IN” and nobody says “Scuttlebutt”. The “Cultural Conversation” is more often “Cultural shouting match” or, in truth, what is aptly named “Culture War”. A lot of the porn parodies suck.
Outside of slamming a $15 bucket of popcorn over that phone jack-ass’s head and hitting it with a chair arm (totally justified btw) there is little I can do to help with the double edged sword of consumer entertainment in the second decade of the 21st century…
Except the last one.
Adult Continuity has had an (in)consistent tradition of reviewing porn parodies for all the things that aren’t directly related to the actual boning. Because the last thing you want is to not enjoy your shameful self gratification because the continuity is outta whack or the performers costumes (when they’re wearing them that is) consist of a t-shirt that says “Punisher” on it… in a Batman parody. I’m here, combining years of eating craft service on set, comic book reading and watching porn to give you well thought out critiques in the areas of understanding subject matter, production value and dick jokes.
I’m here to help you spend your time and Fapdollar (™) wisely!
Dovetailing after that shameless self promotion this edition I’ve taken a long hard, turgid look at Woodrocket parodies for a pair of video games. Woodrocket, as you might remember from the TEN INCH NINJA TURTLES parody, is a scrappy “little porn studio that could” collective that does web based distribution (though Pornhub) with a close eye on the (tiny) purse strings and an emphasis on the PARODY side of the “porn parody” equation. Essentially the mission statement is to be funny to make up for the lack of money (I think that was a lyric from 90’s dancehall act Snow). It’s a clever bit of content jujutsu if I do say so myself; the silly jokes and the performers willingness to commit to the goofy nature of the production humanizes the whole thing just enough to give them a pass on the zero budget. Plus they are clever with what they do have to work with; the sex scenes are fun and it’s free to watch so unless you get seriously bent over boner_trooper just being a guy in a skeleton bodystocking you have very little to lose here.
These two parodies follow the same basic structure; about five to seven minutes of jokes then a sex scene. This is mostly the case for Woodrocket material so if you just want to see April O’Neil perform oral dressed as standard girl from Fortnite you can skip to that. These last couple of parodies, though, have established a rhythm that comes from a well lubed machine of production. These are people that have been working together for a minute now and the easy going vibe can be sensed. The team of (Woodrocket founder) Lee Roy Meyers, Vuko and April O’Neil might not be at, say, Monty Python level (who is) but the jokes come easy (I’m not going to make the obvious joke) and the synergy allows the product to feel fun, not forced (like a lot of porn).
Red Dead Erection 2
Written and Directed by Vuko and LRM
Subtle is not something you’d expect from content with this title… and you’d be right. Lee Roy Meyers is unapologetic about joke making from his inner 17 year old and when you have lines like “Once you go blackwater you can never go backwater” you damn well shouldn’t be. The parody opens with Dutch, Arthur and Sadie all riding in the snow, which is to say they are all shot from the chest up rocking back and forth in front of a green screen and a digital snow filter. Dutch says he has a plan and proceeds to give a synopsis of the whole RDR2 game including mentioning having to do side quests, huntin’, surprise plot twists and botching robberies. His plan also includes every character chilling on a spa day while the main character does all the dangerous criminal stuff. Meta? Sure. Arthur doubles down with “Sounds like a lot of plot. Maybe we should loan some to Fallout 76” but at least there were no mention of escort missions. Plot is non-existent but, hey, when you spend a minute of your seven minutes non sex time with a pure white screen making jokes about how bad the snowstorm is (I can’t even see the scoop of mayonnaise I was eating) and one of them is a cum joke; obviously plot isn’t a concern. A few quick cuts of Arthur robbing whorehouses and, naturally, a sperm bank.
In place of a plot the gang opt for a “How it should’ve ended” type of vibe which is to say a series of jokes loosely strung together in chronological order.
There is a crack on a fru fru drink (a bowl filled with chicken tenders, doughnuts and tiny umbrellas) at the Guy Ferrari saloon…
Airplane-esque humor: “Drink?”
“Sure is! Can I get one?”
Even an Oregon Trail nostalgia joke:
Given a choice I’ll take Dysentery.
Now THAT is some nerdy in-joke shit!
This approach is the smart move when you could go over budget by getting Pepsi instead of La Croix for craft service.
All in all you get about seven minutes of goofy fun. Just long enough to not wear out its welcome. Unless you don’t want stuff like “talking” and “not being naked”. Maybe the wife only takes short showers and you’re in a hurry. Arthur and Sadie bone which takes up a good fifteen minutes of the show. This fulfills the PORN side of the equation.
LRM, April and Vuko seem to have true affection for the source material; there is a dorky fun to what’s going on like a decent fan film with three positions and a pop shot. Everybody seems to be having fun in and off the couch. There is no deep commentary on video games and their influence on society nor do I expect one from Woodrocket. What I do expect is dumb jokes, goofy DIY charm and sex! Red Dead Erection 2 doesn’t disappoint.
FORTNUT
Directed by Vuko
Written by April O’Neil
While Meyers is writing from his inner seventeen year old April O’Neil dials it back a few years… fourteen and a half I’d say. Really only because there isn’t a Trump joke amidst all the boner jokes and porn parody meta humor. That’s not a bad thing; Fortnut is somehow the better for it in fact! Doing a porn parody for an online game mostly played by people too young to watch your porn parody, while not ballsy certainly demonstrates an understanding of how and what Teenagers watch and play. It also shows the geek factor of the creator. O’Neil has geek factor eleven which gives her even more charm. Fortnut also has the added bonus of Tommy Pistol; a talented and damn funny actor that usually raises the overall quality of whatever he’s in. Fortnut is very much inside Tommy’s wheelhouse.
The squad is made up of O’Neil’s standard skin Ramirez, Pistol’s Johnsey (another standard skin), Patty O’Gasm as boner_trooper and Seth’s Beard as Testicle Head. They jump out of the bus, crack bus porn jokes and then land in what suspiciously looks like the parking lot of Woodrocket studios (zero budget, remember) and search for booty in the adult store that shares the same building. I am surprised that there was only one “booty” joke incorporated into the script… and no “Booty Chest” jokes! Just overlooked by O’Neil while she was banging out stuff like:
“Poor boner_trooper”
“Well he said he wouldn’t last long.”
“He never does.”
Yeah, fourteen and a half is about right… or your standard Kevin James network sitcom writing.
Being more familiar with Fortnite than Red Dead I caught more of the jokes but you don’t need to consult Wikipedia to know that Ramirez is gonna find out what she thinks is “Slurp juice” isn’t about ten seconds after she drinks it. That’s classic comedy kids!
Seeing loot llama pinatas humping is just a colorful topic specific detail.
Things tangentially related to the main column but I couldn’t fit in organically
Ohhhh; Red Dead ERECTION Two, I just got that.. A dick joke He he.
During “Avengers: Infinity War” I almost had an extreme communal experience with most of the theater right when a dude a few rows in front of me answered a call right when Vision’s stone was being destroyed.
The conversation was “… dude, I told you not to call me! I’m at the movie!”
So to be clear this fuckwit answered his phone during the movie to tell the person calling that he shouldn’t have called during the movie!
Killing him would’ve been a favor to the gene pool.
No court would’ve convicted me either!
I dropped the Snow joke because RDR2 Parody did one.
Who the fuck has thought of Snow in at least twenty years?
Here, get it out of your system: https://youtu.be/sUmIiWLoEuo
Snow looks like if Robin Thicke and Watsky fell into a weird, scary Cronenberg’s “The Fly” science experiment!
While you’re at it with white rappers that are not Eminem here’s some Lucas: https://youtu.be/ZUU-jMuikGM
Ok; both were catchy and made my top forty lists in their respective years… Shut Up!
Sure, here’s some Watsky too: https://youtu.be/WeW2vHkXwVE
Imagine an Oregon Trail movie adaptation done by Michael Bay “You have died of sensory overload combined with empty visual clutter masquerading as blockbuster entertainment!”
For the record Fortnite is goofy pop entertainment as well. Just with video game murder.
My daughter plays Fortnite. When she gets killed she usually tells the rest of the squad “Avenge me!”
The sex scene in Fortnut lasts ten minutes which is longer than I’ve ever lasted!
Lasted in Fortnight! I need to clarify that, alright!
MISSED OPPORTUNITY: O’Neil didn’t do the floss when she won Fortnut but then again most people over fifteen can’t do the Floss anyway!
Tommy Pistol has range. His comedy chops are strong but he’s getting a lot of buzz for his performance in “the Weight of Infidelity” a dramatic short.
During nomination debates at AVN it’s a foregone conclusion that Tommy Pistol is getting nominated. The real debate is for which performance.
This year it was decided he’d get a nod for Anne: A taboo Parody.
Yes, Little Orphan Anne porn parody.
My friend Karla Lane got nominated for best actress in a featurette for “Weight of Infidelity”
WoI actually goes up against a Woodrocket featurette called “The Puppet inside me” starring Tommy Pistol.
Yes, “Puppet inside me” is exactly what you think it is. There is a three way between Pistol, Charlotte Sartre and a female puppet. There are many impressive things about this scene one being how the actors 100% commit to what’s going down.
Woodrocket is splitting the vote because their porn musical “Hamiltoe” is also nommed.
Say what you will about Lee Roy Meyers; the man follows his muse.
For a complete list of nominations and titillation go to AVN Awards!
It’s confirmed; I will again be a voter for this year’s AVN awards!
I’m incorruptible as far as influence goes but on name alone “Balls Destroyed 2: Electric Boogaloo” gets my vote for best BDSM movie!
I kid you not: “Balls Destroyed 2: Electric Boogaloo”!
Just announced the day of writing this: the Musical Guest this year will be “Cardi B”. This was just hours before EW announced her as “Entertainer of the year”.
No I can’t get you tickets to the show!
NEXT: Be sure to check my twitter @logos728 for a poll in mid-December for what I should review next!
