Adult Continuity – This Ain’t The Smurfs XXX This s a parody!

GameStop, Inc.

ADULT CONTINUITY

 

Issue # 23

 

“This ain’t the SmurfsXXX This is a parody”

 

Finally the third installment in my “Apocalypse Trilogy” which started with “The Walking Dead Parody” and continued withFallout XXX

 

 Welcome to “Adult Continuity” where I smurf a porn parody and smurf down my thoughts in the context of story, fealty to source material and geek cred. 

 Not about how Porn girl X smurfed the smurf outta porn guy Y.

 I judge the content of the video solely on make-up, production design, and writing. 

 I don’t mention how this one girl smurfed another girl with a huge smurfing smurf, until this one dude caught them then he took the smurf and smurfed both the girls till he smurfed all over their smurfs.

 See I’ve had years of experience in film and TV production, geek culture and watching porn. So I try to find really good parodies. Parodies that have excellent cinematography, smart editing and passable acting beyond faking an orgasm. I pass this knowledge on to you, the viewer, so you don’t waste your time on shoddy content.

 I might not even bring up how after smurfing the one girl in both her smurf AND her smurf the whole football team smurfed on her smurf like an assembly line at a glue factory! Not what I’m focusing on, here!

 I know the smurfing is an essential part of what I charitably call “movies’ ‘ but we’re a family show here, guys! So I’ll mention whether or not the girls really enjoyed being smurfed by a bald, bearded guy with sleeve tattoos or if she is faking her smurfs.

 I won’t shy away from graphic language either.

 Smurfing A I won’t!

 Ok, for starters:  WHAT THE FUCK KINDA WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE THERE IS A SMURF PORN PARODY?!?!?!

 I’ve covered a lot of different porn parodies in this column and I have a lot of different porn parodies still sitting in a box in my garage. I get the superhero ones; the psychodrama, power fantasy fulfillment and hot bods in spandex all cater to wanting to see Black Widow do a three way with…Wolverine and… fuck it, Batman! Superheroes have also always hovered right up at the edge of kink with just enough wiggle room to sell toys and PJ’s to kids. 

 But it’s there. 

 If you, as a male, didn’t have some sort of “awakening” seeing Julie Newmar (or Earth Kitt), Michelle Pfeiffer (or Halle Berry), or Anne Hathaway (or now Zoe Kravitz) dressed as catwoman then you were probably having an “awakening” seeing the guys dressed as Batman!

 Everybody has some secret crush on some celeb on TV (mine is Fran Drescher) so watching a porn parody of their character getting railed checks a box or two in your sick, shame filled imagination. So TV porn parodies make sense too.

 Video games? Naturally. Even though the recent reveals about the behavior of programmers and the culture of game publishing in general sorta has taken the enjoyment out of playing “Dead or Alive: Xtreme beach volleyball”. But I get it.

 But Smurfs? I doubt even a quick search on Fetlife would result in a group of people with a thing for Smurfs…

 OK, forget I went down that road because the data doesn’t support… if you catch my drift.

 I ain’t kink shaming, I just don’t see it. Of course, as an adult, the idea of one girl smurf and 99 guy smurfs naturally drifts to what would go down after all of them imbibed too much smurf berry juice and inhibitions dropped, comes unbidden to my pervy little brain. But I’m sure some stand-up comedian had a bit about it long before I took notice.

 I don’t think of smurfs as sexual creatures. Maybe that’s because it’s nearly 100 dudes walking around shirtless; all in different costumes, building stuff, singing, living together in a community. It’s like a fever dream of the Village People hanging out in a (just) pre-meltdown Chernobyl! Not my bag!

 But let’s assume, for the moment, this is what you’ve been waiting for your whole adult life. Your brain and genitals engorge when you hear a group of voices sing “Fa la la la la la! Sing a happy song!” You get sexually excited when your partner wears a plain white dress and a pointy hat. The thought of opening a present, even though you know it’s going to explode in your face, gets your face all flushed. Will this porn parody get you “Three apples tall”?

 Probably, but I can’t say that for anybody else.

 The paper thin story concerns Brainy Smurf inventing a teleporter and accidentally zaps him, Papa Smurf and Smurfette into the offices of Hustler Video. Nicole Aniston is a receptionist that discovers them, then hides them in a supply closet, then she smurfs Even Peters (as himself). Then she disappears from the story.

 Meanwhile Gargamel creates a brunette smurfette (Charley Chase as Sasette Smurfling) to go to the smurf village and steal the teleporter. This makes little sense in context of Smurf lore because Gargamel was always searching for the Smurf village. I know what you’re thinking “how does he know so much about Smurf lore and why does he think I care?” but I did warn you; I was judging this content on understanding the source material. Sassette teleports to the Hustler offices too then gets double smurfed by Papa Smurf and Brainy then, to the delight of a Hustler publisher, has a smurf/smurf scene with Smurfette (Lexi Belle). It should be noted that at no time do any of the humans that meet the smurfs even blink at the fact that they are talking to 7” high blue people. I know porn can get you jaded to a lot of things but C’mon!

 The “story” ends with Smurfette doing a full blue and pink spread for Hustler in what might be the queasiest, mercenary piece of corporate self promotion since the official Trump presidential teddy bear.

 Once again, this might work for you. But outside of Lexi Belle fans and the (blessedly) narrow niche market of smurf kink “This ain’t the Smurfs XXX *This is a parody*” has pretty tepid smurfing scenes and though it looks ok with a decent commitment to the weirdness of smurfs in general the movie leaves you, creatively, with blue balls. And that just smurfing smurfs!

 

Things tangential to the column but I couldn’t work in organically

 

 Yeah, it’s been almost a year since the last Adult Continuity, guess what the world is still ending. It’s just taking longer than expected.

 Ultimately the joke was The Smurfs porn parody being silly as the 3rd installment about the apocalypse. Probably the time between Fallout XXX and this kinda blunted that delivery.

 

 I had hoped the joke would outlast the epidemic. Guess I smurfed the pooch there.

 

 If you were wondering, I didn’t watch the 3D version. It never works and the last thing I want to see is blue dongs thrusting at my face.

 

 As a teen I did a skit where a southern evangelical type denounced the smurfs as communists. Today there is probably a subcategory about it on Q-Anon.

 

 The opening scene we get to see Smurfette is all blue. I mean ALL BLUE!

 

 I’ll admit, it’s kinda weird seeing guys being smurfs running around shirtless. It never really occurs to you that the smurfs are all shirtless in the cartoon.

 

 At least it didn’t to me. It’s all @daddydomsmurf on fetlife can talk about.

 

 After, at MOST, the 3rd time who is gonna fall for the exploding gift gag from Jokey smurf?

 

 I’ll give them this: The actors commit to saying “smurf” every 4th word and as a filler for swears.

 

 Though I fast forwarded past the smurfing scenes I hope the dirty talk had the word “Smurf” used a lot in place.

 

 Blue make-up rubs off during oral.

 

 I know there are cost limitations but not having a Smurfbang of Smurfette is just leaving money on the table.

 

 I always felt that fantasy stories that zap the characters to our world, like “Masters of the Universe” and the “Smurfs” live action movie are creatively bankrupt. It’s a lot cheaper to shoot in the back alleys of LA, or Atlanta for that matter, than to create a richly textured fantasy world. Oddly this didn’t bother me for the Smurfs porn parody because it was creatively bankrupt in so many other ways.

 

 Of course the dildos Smurfette and Sasette use are blue. Keen eye on production design, there.

 

 Gargamel wears sock supports like a 70year old man. This was the best joke in the whole movie.

 

 The lone credited grip was named Dizzy Cash.

 

 Probably not his real name.

 

 Don’t hate mail me about bagging on “Masters of the Universe”, ok!

 

 Sorry it’s been so long. Hopefully I return sooner next time.

Anytime Costumes

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