In this installment, the Dwarfs along with Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit, must venture on to fulfill the prophecy of reinstating the mountain king by dethroning the dragon Smaug and reclaim their homeland of Erebor.
Visually the movie is stunning, it reminded me of Pan’s Labyrnth, but then again, that’s because Guillermo del Toro was a consultant on the film. The cast is great Martin Freeman is a nebbish Bilbo Baggins, Benedict Cumberbatch’s voiced Smaug and was terrifying while Richard Armitage was the intimidating, would be Dwarf King, Thorin.
Beyond that, I have to throw objectivity out the window; the same way I threw the novel across the room halfway through chapter two in the sixth grade bellowing, “Uh, this is horrible!” There is a 12-minute (or what felt like it) fight scene with giant spiders. A bunch of “eh” jokes, and it took me two hours to realize that the difference between Hobbits and Dwarfs is that Hobbits are whiny with big feet and Dwarfs are angry, big nosed creatures.
Half way through the film, my butt fell asleep. During the last 45 minutes I was having the internal debate, “Who’s a prettier elf? Orlando Bloom or Evangeline Lilly?”
I begged God for the reel to break…unfortunately, it was a digital projector. Why people insist on 3D is beyond me comprehension. I don’t need big noses, spears, arrows, spider webs and fire being shot at me.
The actors are great. The director is amazing. The cinematography is gorgeous, but I have to be 100% honest — I hate Tolkien. I hate his books. I just cannot be objective and for that I ask Warner Bros. the cast, the crew and Mr. Jackson to forgive me, because they did virtually everything right in making this film, but I would rather jam a led pencil in my eye than read or view anything Tolkien related. For part three there will obviously be a different reviewer who will be able to remain objective with this story.
If you are a Ringer, you will probably like it far more than I did.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug opens nationwide Friday, December 13, 2013 and will probably take the number one spot at the box office.