‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny‘ is the Drizzling Sh!ts! Making ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull‘ look like ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark‘.
I have been sitting on this review for two weeks trying to figure out what I was going to title this review, but also, how I would try to spin it in a semi-positive manner because I hate dumping on everyone’s hard work in making any sort of artistic endeavor.
Working titles for this review were: ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Dementia‘, but I do not want to insult people with any sort of cognitive degeneration. Another was, ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Dramamine‘, which at times the movie did make me drowsy, but that’s a copywritten sleep aid and I didn’t want to infringe on their trademark. I had to settle for ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Dysentery‘ because quite literally, this movie is the drizzling sh!ts.
This flick is not even a popcorn movie. It is Indiana Jones fanfiction written by someone that dislikes Indiana Jones. As much hate as Phoebe Waller-Bridge receives (about 70 percent justified in this film), it is the writing that makes her character of Helena completely unlikeable. Is she a know-it-all? Absolutely, but if you were raised by an obsessed father who was driven to madness in search of Archimedes’ (played by Nasser Memarzia) dial, you would be an expert in the field as well.
However, Waller-Bridge’s Helena is filled with spite and snark in search of riches in stead of research that she is as unlikeable as Nazi scientist, Dr. Voller [(Mads Mikkelson) ironically, I know a science teacher with the surname Voller, who was a teammate in high school], wanting the dial to return to 1939 and not help Adolph Hitler but replace him.
Then there’s Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones, a broken, old, man, who has every right to be bitter with the loss of his son during either the Korean or Vietnam War (based on the timeline it should be Korea, but Lucasfilm implies it is Vietnam as when this takes place). He’s being forced into retirement and is completely forgetful, making Helena the brains of the entire operation.
This Indiana Jones movie that continues the tradition of him being an atheist also uses the McGuffin of them originally searching for the Spear of Destiny, but it turns out to be a fake, implying that Christianity is also a falsified religion.
As nice as it was to see Antonio Banderas, Toby Jones, Karen Allen and John Rhys-Davies nor the music of John Williams could salvage this flick. I enjoy most of James Mangold work, especially ‘The Wolverine‘ and ‘Logan‘, but this felt like he was dictated to on how to make a movie, stifling his creativity.
Unfortunately, like Star Wars where I had my three movies, I too had my three Indiana Jones movies and hopefully, this finds an audience that will love it as much as I love, ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’
‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny‘ comes to theaters Friday, June 30, 2023.
Eh, wait until it arrives on Disney+.