Cultural Junkdrawer ASSult on AVN pt 2: The Future!

GameStop, Inc.


ASSult on AVN 2018 – Pt 2:
VR, Lloyd Kaufman and the FUTURE!


There was a convention that took place in Vegas that really justifies the nickname “Sin City”. This show was a den of iniquity populated by amoral people exhibiting the most disgraceful behavior imaginable. Sights that would make your great aunt Blanche blanche at the mere thought. Giant thrusting and pounding machines blatantly on display. Disgusting displays of tongue in groove, studs being pounded, screwing… ropes, chains, leather. Holes being filled. Holes being drilled. Depictions of men bending over lewdly grasping long hard tools. Wet sticky fluids just pouring out of gaping maws. Hard objects penetrating moist zones repeatedly as far as the eye could see. Harnesses designed to suspend people. Dehumanizing masks that cover all or some of a person’s face. Myriad devices used to get high. New, but still dirty, ways to “lay pipe”. Glazing.

But I didn’t go to World of Concrete.

I went to The AVN expo.


The AVN show starts up for real. Bright and bushy tailed after a refreshing four hours of sleep I’m ready to take on AVN. My goal is to inform you about new innovations in adult entertainment that are being hyped here. I’m happy to report I’ve seen the future and it’s still not here yet…

Virtual Reality is still the next big thing for the future of fapping and it has taken many forms. If you’re a child of the 90’s you’ll be happy to know that technology and graphics capability have elevated virtual sex with a virtual woman from Tomb Raider levels to Tomb Raider III levels…

Mocapping your sexual awakening!

One of the booths had a lengthily video outlining the methods used; real adult stars coming in to the studio and being covered in sticky dots for motion capture. Seeing as how many adult stars are used to being covered in a lot worse sticky material it was probably a welcome change. They did various positions and recited dialogue. Such Shakespearean prose as “I want you inside me!”, “Fuck me doggie style!”, and “Expectation is the root of all heartache”* that the Laura Croft circa 1998 says to you while you engage in virtual humping. Much to the amusement of any friends that stop by.

 It’s not what you think… he’s changing a virtual tire.

I tried it… for research sake… the virtual performer was kneeling on a big circular hassock surround by lit candles. She cooed seductively that she wanted me in her mouth and then performed oral on my virtual dong.

Maybe I’m too pragmatic or self conscious but I found it hard to get into sexy time mode, virtual or otherwise, with the big clumsy goggles on. Next was doggy style. I did I few thrusts but I was keenly cognizant of the line of guys waiting their turn. This has never bothered me in real life but I felt silly in that moment.

My friend Blam tried it next, mercifully rescuing the sales guy from an extended conversation about current levels of processing power especially for Apple products. Being a self avowed tech geek (he listens to podcasts about Apple products for Pete’s sake! Yes, that is meant to be plural!) he enjoyed himself immensely. I couldn’t quite make it out but I’m sure he was murmuring something about making Mrs. Pac Man his whore.

Looking out for the jealous boyfriend boss level.

I talked with the founder of the company and sales guy. They told me the resolution of the footage is stored at a higher rate but processing hasn’t caught up. The good thing, though, is that the performer is only paid once! This is mixed for me; on one hand I like the idea of being able to have totally immersive virtual sex with, say, Annabelle Peaks but on the other hand the one and done payment seems a tad mercenary. I’m sure the pay model will change once this tech is beyond its infancy and goes mainstream but until we get some Black Mirror type shit this strain will be for pervs who innovate and hardcore Lara Croft fans.**

The other version of VR doesn’t suffer from resolution problems and gets a lot closer to traditional fapping if you can deal with the clumsy goggles. You may know Ela Darling from her sexy appearances for companies like (more on them later). You might know her by the many quotes in mainstream media about the future of erotic content. You might even know her is you have had an overdue library book.

Most likely, though you know her from the multiple times I’ve put a picture of her and Cosplay goddess Tanya Tate in this column.

Here it is again…



Anyway; Ela is the real deal! Her company is no less than a pioneer in VR fapping. She was at the Cam4 booth which was demo-ing interactive VR with live models. It was like being on My Free Cams but with 360 degrees of nerdy shame. I chilled out in a retro futuristic sphere chair, like the kind you see in 70’s space movies and Lil Kim videos, put on the awkward goggles and jumped right into a nearby hotel room with a beautiful woman on the bed.

Of course being a set lighting technician by trade the first thing I checked for was how the set was lit…

ME: Blam you see this?
BLAM: (in other Lil Kim chair and also a set lighting tech) Yeah, a chimera as a key light AND the separation light!
ME: This year they’re not using a table lamp without the shade off for fill!
BLAM: Leaps and bounds, buddy, leaps and bounds!

Though it’s possible the lack of a fill was an aesthetic choice.

There was no audio or I would‘ve said something salacious I swear!

Yet another version of the future was the talking pleasure toys. Yes adult toys that have interactive audio elements! So you can stop fucking that Teddy Ruxpin for the aural thrill now.

The stroker I checked out said phrases like “I want you inside me!”, “Fuck me doggie style!”, and “Expectation is the root of all heartache”***

Allow me to beat Jay Leno to the joke by saying that the female one says things like “I’ll do the dishes”, “I’d LOVE to see that new Katherine Heigl movie!” And “I showed Chris Hemsworth a picture of you; he’d wants to have sex. No, of course you have my blessing.”

There are other waves of the future out there on the floor including gender neutral sex dolls and sex robots but I didn’t catch any of them and my feelings on SEX ROBOTS are well known****.

As an aside Blam was telling me he was listening to an NPR show that was talking about hacking sex robots to become assassins. This is interesting for several reasons…

1 – I have a new idea for a comic book.
2 – This implies that people are already having sex with robots which puts me that much closer to getting a Bianca Beauchamp-bot for my birthday*****
3 – Edgy shit for NPR!

Balm and I finished off the floor by meeting Troma films founder Lloyd Kauffman (Toxic Avenger, Surf nazis must die… 80% of your older brothers VHS library). Coming from a background of a video store clerk this was an exciting moment for me. He graciously posed for a photograph where I asked him if most people recognize him from his cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Ladies start your engines!

That night I had RSVP’d for Woodrocket,com’s fifth birthday party. I reviewed Woodrocket’s “Ten inch mutant turtles” for Adult Continuity and Lee Roy Meyers has become a good friend. One paragraph from the column I was especially excited to bring up because the creature maker Tom Devlin was at this party. I was able to read him this excerpt…

“Even if the Henson company won’t be looking over their shoulder anytime soon Tom Devlin’s 1313 FX team does a commendable job with the Turtles. You know you’ve found your true calling when you can say “I designed and built ten inch turtle dicks that shoot green cum” with a sense of accomplishment and pride.”

Suffice to say he was pleased.

Woodrocket is currently blowing up in mainstream media as of this writing for its newest parody “Tugrats”. Irreverence is Woodrocket’s mission statement and even though I fully expect sermons from the pulpits in the next few weeks there is nothing queasy here, just dumb jokes and good ole fashion smut. Besides it was inevitable for kids of the 90’s to draw porn from their own nostalgia well. Co-writer and director April O’Neil has taken her stage name from TMNT for Chrissake!

The Woodrocket stages were their own special little museum of fun…

…And you though Michael Bay was destroying your childhood!

Still slept poorly and the girlfriend was coming down with the AVNflu. Which is just the flu (like con crud) not some new STD.


Blam and I made it out to “Stacks and Yolks” which isn’t a new porn company but a pancake place in the suburbs of Vegas. You choose your batter (from the likes of peanut butter, lemon blueberry, vanilla and others) add-ins and toppings. Imagine Cold Stone Ice cream but as pancakes. Delish.

Next we took a break from the smut world and drove to the pinball hall of fame. This place has pinball machines from the creation of the machine to current super high tech ones.

Insert balls joke here!

It’s the second best thing you can do with balls and gravity!

We got back to the show and hit THE LAIR which is the BDSM/Fetish zone of AVN. Found on the balcony of The Joint you can get every type of kink toy you want and hang with like minded people. Whips, electric play, STEAMPUNK! Words can only go so far so perhaps it’s best that I show pictures to truly get the flavor of what happens in the Lair…

I know where to shop for mom next Christmas

We also met some nice people. Everyday people you couldn’t pick out in the grocery store…

Yeah, Greg and Alice Tuppermen from bowling league!

If your grocery store was called “Behind the greens door” or “Trading blows”.

Blam and I went to our respective hotel rooms in preparation for tonight’s party; another penthouse party but this time an invite only and we had wrangled the coveted pink wristband!

This party took place in the real world penthouse of the casino tower. It was the kind of place you’d expect to see in a Seth Rogan movie about getting stoned and going to vegas******. The penthouse had a saltwater fish tank, pool table, hot tub, giant screen TV and a bowling lane! ON this particular night the room was also filled with a cluster of beautiful topless women! Most were lower level performers or girls starting out and earning some scratch for their medical school tuition. I would up spending a good forty five minutes talking to performer Katy Jayne (@thekatyjayne) on various subjects like cybernetic implants, adjustable boob size technology, cinematography, cats and movies. A lot of times I can get pretty self conscious but I think the fact that she was a geek and was topless sorta got me over that hump.

Balm was taking pics with every girl there with the biggest smile I’ve even seen on his face.

Around midnight the DJ called attention to the giant hassock in front of the widescreen porn and two of the ladies began a show. It was a beautiful girl/girl show that was sexy and playful and showered by many dollar bills. I have video but I’m not going to post it for obvious reasons; low resolution and the lightning wasn’t ideal. I’m sure you understand.

FYI The Santa hat wasn’t there at the time.

After I talked with one of the girls. I told her it was super hot and I could tell the two were into each other. She responded that she had been dying to fuck the other girl since they met some days before. I was touched how such things could bring people together. Like the guys in this pic…

Cowboy, Redskins… not pictured the Viking, Dolphin or Patriot.

Around 1:30 I was calling it quits. I got Blam’s attention, pulling him away from showing another lady his cool iWatch and waxing poetic about iso12 to wish him goodnight and good luck on his breakfast date the next morning. Saturday was the big show and the red carpet!

Something you’ll have to read about in the next part of my crossover spectacular – Comic on the can! ASSult on AVN Pt 3

Coming in the next week or so!

Things tangential to the main column that I couldn’t fit in organically

*I wasn’t expecting that either.

** believe me, though, if I could get a fully immersive Annabelle Peaks VR experience I would in a heartbeat. Till then this is as close as I’ll get…

I know it’s hard but try to look at HER.

*** Must be a new kink I don’t know about.

**** In case you forgot I want in on this sex robot thing! So if you know of any robots out there looking to hook up (because that isn’t a choice yet on tinder) let me know.

***** or Christmas, either way.

****** unlike Seth Rogan movies about getting stoned and fighting drug dealers, or getting stoned and rescuing a princess, or getting stones and playing golf, or… you get the idea.

Anytime Costumes

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