Adult Continuity Issue Nine – Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles

GameStop, Inc.

The porn parody has a long, hard, turgid and difficult to handle um… history behind it. It used to be that the vids just played off the titles of mainstream movies; Porn on the Fourth of July, Saving Ryan’s Privates, and Snow White and the Seven Ex-Convicts. There wasn’t any real attempt to send up the source material because, hey, it’s fapping. Nobody wants to see people acting in this stuff except when the girl is pretend to enjoy fucking Ron Jeremy. And forget about doing a superhero parody! Too expensive! Let’s just do a “Jane Bond” movie, have some toy pistols, use Hershel’s Porsche in a scene, throw in a three-way and everybody will be fine. Nerds don’t watch porn anyway, and if they do they’re happy they weren’t laughed out of “Big Ned’s Bait Shop/Sandwich Emporium/VHS rentals” in the first place.

Boy have times changed! Geek culture is dominant in the mainstream entertainment world. The adult media, if consistent in nothing else, knows how to milk a trend along with body parts. So we got porn parodies of superheroes, HBO Series (can’t wait for “This ain’t the Young Pope XXX” starring Derrick Pierce) and cartoons.

Which is great except for one problem; refer to paragraph one above. The adult industry is primarily about volume, quality is a distant second most times. Transient has a greater footing than transgressive; which is a overly clever way of saying “hit it, quit it, move on!” Which is a dorky white guy’s way of saying “We don’t have to put much effort in that Iron Man costume, he’ll be out of it and into the chick playing Catwoman about three minutes into the scene anyway.” Which is a roundabout way of saying that the parodies might not be done well. Which is another way of saying…

Well, ok, point is you want to spend your Fapdollar™ wisely. Or if you’re lazy, cheap, been blacklisted from the local video store or have the moral bearing of a building contractor; typing into a tube site search engine wisely. That’s why I’m here doing this column. So you don’t waste your time on crappy, half-assed porn parodies that just don’t get it. I don’t judge these videos on the sexual content, I judge ‘em on how much they get right on the details or deliver a satisfying fan experience. Because nothing interferes with happy time with me and my meat hammer (or me and my panty hamster, this is equal opportunity after all) like nerd rage.

For most of this column I’ve reviewed parodies directed by Axel Braun. This is 1 – because most of the superhero parodies are done by him, 2 – his unprecedented success and awards allows him to command five figure budgets for the movies (believe me that’s paying out for any adult production) 3 – his attention to detail and obvious understanding and fandom of the source material makes for positive reviews. But Axel has an unfair advantage because of those tens of thousands of dollars and making good movies and stuff like that. What if you don’t have that much cash to sink into a production? What if your aesthetic is more attitude than production design? What if your business model follows a different path? Something more in tune with the increased access/reduced expectations of the modern onanist? What if you were clever enough to flip a negative (approximately $315 and $.99 store tortilla chips for craft service) into a positive by having funny people speak funny dialogue? What if you had a train that left one station going 85 mph…

Ok, basically you can’t do an Axel and why bother trying? Go a different route; embrace the “parody” side of the equation wholeheartedly. Tune into the willfully weird aspect of the source material and play it to the hilt….Which brings us to Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles and other porn parodies by WoodRocket.com. Woodrocket has learned a different lesson from comics, specifically webcomics and their business model. Give it away then sell the collections! This has (against conventional wisdom) been quite successful for web comics and apparently for Woodrocket. You can see these small dose porn parodies on the site and then, later, get the collection on home video. The flip side is this limits the budget and forces the creators to be clever.

Fortunately director/writer Lee Roy Myers is a clever dude and mad funny to boot so he’s up to the task. Each parody on this DVD runs about fifteen minutes; enough time to get in and out while having some in… and out and in and out and in and… oh you get it. A token mini plot and appearances by important characters. Granted the whole thing has a community theatre type of vibe but what the clips lack in production value they make up for in charm and sheer bat shit weirdness.

Ten Inch Mutant Turtles: Leonhardo, Dongatello, Michelangeblow and Raphallus were taught by Master Sphincter to be ninjas of sex. Any junior high student could easily guess the other names: Casey Bones, Spreader and… um… April O’Neil. I would’ve suggested April I-Kneel but that might be one step too many for your average porn watcher in the heat of the moment. Besides she works for Channel 69 and the performer’s name is also April O’Neil. So meta? The vid has a chunk of one liners mostly about pizza and dick size and a funny semi-meta bit about pizza guy porn, the turtles are upset because nobody ever seems to eat the pizza the girl just put out for. April and Casey show up as does Spreader. The TIMNT fight Spreader, mostly off-screen, while Casey and April play out that dirty fan fic story you keep in the “Utilities paid” folder on your computer.

“That’s not bold and innovative!” you say. “I’ve imagined April O’Neil riding me… or, um… Casey reverse cowgirl plenty of times!” You follow up. “If this really wanted to commit to the weird they’d have April suck and jerk off the turtles till they shot green goo all over her! Just like the story I wrote for my… cousin’s slash fic site!”

I can say confidently and only one or two visits with my shrink that the Wood Rocket gang commits to the weird.

The whole thing takes place in one set which is expected. Even if the Henson company won’t be looking over their shoulder anytime soon Tom Devlin’s 1313 FX team does a commendable job with the Turtles. You know you’ve found your true calling when you can say “I designed and built ten inch turtle dicks that shoot green cum” with a sense of accomplishment and pride.

There even is an original song by a band named “D Squared” which, if I were a person that jumps to conclusions, is probably fronted by that Devlin cat. It’s puerile and funny.

The other parodies follow the same structure; one liners that range from goofy (“Do you think there is an alternate universe where Josh Gadd isn’t doing an impression of Josh Gadd and people think he’s funny?”) to sly (“You’re 18 now. Start to enjoy manly things. Like earning twenty five percent more salary than a woman?”) some of the characters offer lip service… I mean cameo, get your mind out of the gutter! A sex scene and somewhere in there a token plot point. The meat of the scene is the sex but LRM and co. pack a good amount of fan service and willful oddness into each fifteen minutes. It’s a format perfectly tailored to a website with smutty content. Collected together and viewed all at once shows the cracks (forgive the pun) but let’s be honest; you ain’t watching porn in more than ten minute chunks anyway. If you are congratulations and I hope you have moisturizer for the chafing.

Adventure Time has Sin in a three way with Whoreceline and Princess Bubblecum. I’ve watched a sum total of fifteen minutes of Adventure Time in my life but this is the choice I would’ve made too. Especially with the lovely and geektastic Ela Darling involved.

Spongeknob Squarenuts’ Anthony Rosano captures the shrill irritation that is Spongebob with the added bonus of not being able to unsee Spongeknob’s knob. But Skin Diamond in action (as Sandy Squirrel) is always worth watching.

Strokemon If I somehow (and regretfully) gazed into the deepest darkest recesses of my nephew’s psyche I’d probably find even more Insane Clown Posse crap, skateboard art and something akin to the Gash/Dickachu sex scene. If I was willing to admit to myself my own deep dark psyche I’d say the scene was pretty hot and Rizzo Ford looks amazing as a sexualized pocket monster. Though I was hoping for Team Rocket to join in for a “gotta fuck ‘em all” orgy. Bonus points for a masturbation sleeve Strokemon with google eyes called “Suckmedry”.

Fap to the Future, I don’t need to go there. You’ve already been there, I’m sure.

I want to make sure you understand you’re not gonna get what you’d get from an Axel Braun joint. That’s perfectly fine, though. Woodrocket comes in at a sincere love and clever DIY angle to the source material. Everybody looks like they are having a blast in and out of bed (or couch for that matter). LRM and co. get a lot of mileage out of hot sex, goofy charm and willingness to be straight up fucking weird. That’s why I mentioned fan experience above because, admit it, in your deepest darkest psyche you’ve thought about a three-way with Marceline and Sandy Squirrel or a female Shredder and Team Rocket, or Finn and Donatello, or…

Some tangential things related to the main body of the column but couldn’t fit in organically…

Sorry it’s been so long between postings: lot on my plate.

Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles got nominated for “best porn parody” and, not surprisingly, “clever title of the year” at the AVN Awards this year.

Woodrocket.com has the most eclectic assortment of content including the informative and funny Ask a Porn Star, Woodrocket Toons and Topless Girls Reading Books.

Full disclosure: an upcoming edition of Topless girls reading books will feature my Graphic Novel “Crazy Mary” because Lee Roy Myers is a friend and he has taste.

Seriously he DOES have taste.

Other candidates for vagina slang taken from sheknows.com clickbait “50 Slang Words for vagina ranked from bad to worst”: 42 – Sausage wallet, 19 – Cupcake, 27 – Banana basket, 32 – Hot Pocket and my second favorite 39 – The Notorious V.A.G.

Woodrocket has close ties to the dude that wrote the mad funny Amerikarate, Corey Kalman. So close in fact that April O’Neil has done a series of limited edition covers for the book’s first few issues. Harass your local comic shop or just go to etsy.com, yes, etsy…
https://www.etsy.com/listing/516306221/amerikarate-issue-1-limited-edition?ref=shop_home_active_1

Bonus NSFW content for Amerikarate will start appearing at Woodrocket.com soon.

I reviewed Amerikarate for this very site last month! Click here for that.

My spellcheck is gonna have a meltdown with all these odd names.

Did I mention I did a panel with Ela Darling and Tanya Tate at catalyst con a few years ago? Here is a pic I took…

It’s great to see Ela doing boy/girl scenes BTW.

April O’Neil also has a producer’s credit for the material. Normally I’d think that’s a filler for her doing so many scenes but I’m pretty sure she has a lot of input on the material too (her stage name IS April O’Neil for crissake!)

The day I’m writing this Axel Braun is having open auditions for Justice League XXX Porn Parody.

Next time: I may go even further off the reservation with some BDSM superhero porn parody, who knows? Maybe I’ll review Woodrocket’s Guardians of the Galaxy parody. Timing would be right.

Anytime Costumes

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