Samo Says – The 15 Reasons why ‘Firefly’ Totally Sucked

GameStop, Inc.

Serenity Poster

People have said, “Hey R.C. why don’t YOU ever talk about Firefly? It’s a classic and fans still live for it.” There is a reason why I don’t talk about Firefly. It’s because the show totally sucked. I was conned into trying to watch this clunker on more than one occasion and each time I fell asleep from boredom within the first 15 minutes of each episode they tried to cram down my throat.

Remember, Fox killed a flop that lost them money. Serenity, the film that gave the show closure two years following its cancellation, opened Friday morning and closed Friday afternoon and don’t forget Netflix has taken the show off streaming because no one was watching it. Firefly is like your teddy bear. You like knowing it’s in your parents’ garage but you never sleep with it anymore and you’ll throw a tantrum if mom tosses it out.

By now, most of you have already sprinted to the comment section in a huff calling me names, cursing my existence, putting a hex on me or writing death threats. You’re taking this as a personal attack on your nostalgic worldview and claim I’ve ruined your childhood/youth worse than Michael Bay. For those of you that made it this far, good for you, you actually have patience and wanted to see what this list was all about before calling me names, cursing my existence, putting a hex on me or writing death threats.

So without further adieu, here are, “The 15 Reasons why FireflyTotally Sucked.”

1) The Train Job – Original Air Date: September 20, 2002
Mal and his crew pull a train robbery.

2) Bushwhacked – Original Air Date: September 27, 2002
The crew of Serenity stumble upon the ruins of a transport ship and decide to search the vessel for any salvageable goods, only to discover that the ship is not entirely deserted.

3) Our Mrs. Reynolds – Original Air Date: October 4, 2002
A woman claiming to be Mal’s wife appears aboard Serenity.

4) Jaynestown – Original Air Date: October 18, 2002
Mal and the crew of Serenity land to pick up some contraband on the mud-producing planet of Canton where labor is provided under servitude run by the local magistrate. Jayne had once robbed the boss with a partner but barely escaped by jettisoning from their getaway vehicle his partner (now waiting for revenge) and the money boxes (who have made him a legendary hero). Jayne is recognized by all and “welcomed” accordingly. Sub-plots show Simon and Kaylee face their growing romantic feelings, River first tries to “fix” the Bible and is later traumatized by seeing Book’s hair. Meanwhile, Inara is “making a man of” the magistrate’s resentful son who helps the crew escape out of spite to his father. But there has been a confrontation with Jayne’s abandoned partner whose vengeful shotgun kills one of Jayne’s young hero-worshipers, bringing Jayne to verge of philosophy with Mal.

5) Out of Gas – Original Air Date: October 25, 2002
When Serenity’s life support system fails, Mal orders the crew off the ship – but he stays behind.

6) Shindig – Original Air Date: November 1, 2002
After scuffling with one of Inara’s clients during a royal ball where the Serenity crew is hired by a diplomat to smuggle some unusual cargo, Mal is challenged to a duel of swords by the snobbish and arrogant royal Atherton Wing.

7) Safe – Original Air Date: November 8, 2002
While visiting an outlying planet, Simon and River are kidnapped by local villagers in need of a doctor. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew are forced to seek medical help from an unlikely source when one of their own is shot.

8) Ariel – Original Air Date: November 15, 2002
Serenity travels to the core world Ariel and Simon comes up with a plan to steal drugs from the hospital.

9) War Stories – Original Air Date: December 6, 2002
Niska catches up with the Serenity crew.

10) Objects in Space – Original Air Date: December 13, 2002
The Alliance has placed a bounty on River Tam’s head and a bounty Hunter named Jubal Early sets out to claim the bounty and tracks down the Serenity crew. Jubal sneaks on-board the Serenity while the crew is asleep to capture River and Simon and return them to the Alliance, so he can be paid for their capture and only River can stop him.

11) Serenity – Original Air Date: December 20, 2002
In the first half of the original pilot episode, the crew of Serenity takes on several passengers and make their way to another planet to try and sell goods they salvaged from a wrecked ship. Their efforts are impeded, though, when Wash and Mal realize that there is an undercover alliance fed on board. In the second half of the original pilot, Simon struggles to save Kaylee, and in turn River and himself while Mal, Zoe, and Jayne attempt to unload the cargo from the salvage to a trigger-happy mayor of a border moon.

At this point, we assumed the show received a mercy killing, but nope, they finished the last three episodes out of order in the summer of 2003.

12) Heart of Gold – Original Air Date: August 4, 2003
The Serenity responds to a distress call from Nandi, an old friend of Inara’s, who is running a brothel on the moon of Deadwood. The unsavory leader of the moon’s only town where the brothel is located has gotten Petaline, one the girls, pregnant and is demanding that he be given the baby. Nandi enlists the help of the crew of Serenity to defend the brothel and keep the baby with its mother.

13) Trash – Original Air Date: July 21, 2003
Saffron returns to offers the crew a mission but not everyone is willing to trust her again.

14) The Message – Original Air Date: July 28 2003
A dying request from an old army buddy turns treacherous for Mal, Zoë, and the rest of the crew.

15) Serenity – Opened in Theaters Nationwide and Distributed by Universal Pictures (So you can’t blame 20th Century Fox on this one): September 30, 2005
The crew of the ship Serenity tries to evade an assassin sent to recapture one of their number who is telepathic.
Box Office
Budget: $40,000,000 (estimated)
Opening Weekend: $228,581 (Australia) (14 October 2005)
Gross: $25,335,935 (USA) (11 November 2005)

Firefly Episode Guide Synopsis can be found on IMDB.com
Serenity Synopsis and Box Office Statistics can be found on IMDB.com

Anytime Costumes

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