Cultural Junkdrawer – Holy S#*& I Accidentally Ran Over Guillermo Del Toro

GameStop, Inc.

HOLY S%#@! I ACCIDENTALLY RAN OVER GUILLERMO DEL TORO!
A play in one act.

Bob and Doug are in a car with Bob driving. Bob has a Star Wars T-shirt and Doug has a different Star Wars T-shirt on. They are both rocking out to “Rock you like a hurricane” by the Scorpions, hitting all the highs and lows of the song with bad cracked singing voices.

Bob & Doug (in tandem) – HERE I AM! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!

Bob bangs his head for a moment while making the devil horns sign. In that moment the car hits something with a loud “thud”. Bob slams on the breaks.

DOUG – What was that?

BOB – I don’t know. Crap!

Bob looks out the window.

BOB – Crap! I hit something!

DOUG – What? It felt like a deer.

BOB – How do you know what hitting a deer feels like?

DOUG – Well, it felt big, I’ve heard deer can dent the shit outta your car!

Bob scrambles out of the car, Doug gets out too. They both come around to the front to see the damage. A portly harry guy is lying on the ground face down. Bob and Doug react badly.

BOB – CRAP! IT’S A DUDE!

DOUG – See if he’s breathing?

They roll him over revealing it to be Guillermo Del Toro.

DOUG – Is that…

BOB – It sure looks like him.

DOUG – but it CAN’T be.

Bob fishes out the wallet and checks it.

BOB – Holy shit! I accidentally ran over Guillermo Del Torro!

DOUG – What should we do? Let’s bolt!

BOB – Are you kidding? This is Guillermo Del Toro! He’s a geek God! Hellboy, Pacific Rim, executive producer for Kung Fu Panda Two! You don’t leave a man like that to die like a dog in the middle of the street!

DOUG – It’s also hit and run. That’s illegal.

BOB – That too! Call 911!

Doug pulls out his phone and quickly punches in the number.

BOB – Mr. Toro or, um Mr. Del Toro can you hear me?

DOUG – Hello police we accidentally hit Guillermo Del Toro with our car. We need an ambulance…

BOB – Can you feel your toes? Is your vision blurred? Will Rinko Kikuchi be in Pacific Rim Two?

DOUG – Yes, Guillermo Del Toro, he’s not moving… No, he wasn’t the guy who directed “Gravity”…

BOB – I don’t see any blood… must’ve used it all up on “The Strain”. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

DOUG – No, he didn’t do a Harry Potter film, you’re still thinking of Alfonso Cuaron. Right nationality, wrong person. Have you seen Cronos?

BOB – Mr Del Toro are you really directing a Silent Hill game? If so I’m in!

DOUG – How ’bout Pan’s Labyrinth? What, c’mon man, that movie was amazing! Do yourself a favor, when you get home tonight find that movie and watch it… No, I doubt you can rent it at Redbox.

BOB – Mr. Del Toro I just want to say that I’m a big fan of your work and I’m sorry I hit you with my car. We’re doing everything we can to get you to a hospital and back on your feet. I’m sure you’ve still got a lot of work to do on Crimson Peak, which I listed on my blog post “The top 25 movies I’m dying for in 2015!” Crimson Peak was like twelve, I think…

Del Toro coughs up some blood.

BOB – NO, NO! It was number one… just edging out Avengers AoU!

DOUG – Seriously, Bob, nobody calls it AoU except pretentious fanboys and bloggers with a following of six people.

BOB – Entertainment Weekly did!

DOUG – Yeah, right after they did an in-depth look at Katy Perry’s new video. Point proved.

BOB – Is help coming?

DOUG – I’m on hold. Ok, here we go… Yes at the intersection of Penbroke and River, a little down from the Pizza Hut. YES! He directed Hellboy! Good… I’m glad you liked it, so did I. Ummm…

BOB – What?

DOUG – (covering phone) He wants to know why Hellboy was in the post credits tag of Avengers.

BOB – I think he’s bleeding internally, Doug!

DOUG – I hate you for this! (uncovers phone) Heh, I’m not sure, I guess we’ll have to wait to find out. Yeah… maybe in the next Superman movie (Doug shakes his fist at the phone). Is that ambulance on its way? Good. Thank you. (hangs up) I wish there was a slap you through the phone app.

BOB – Mr. Del Toro? Help is coming. While we have time would you be interested in saying something about your PG-13 version of Mountains of Madness? I understand you have to make concessions to the suits that don’t grok Lovecraft but…

DOUG – Jesus, Bob, what’s wrong with you?

BOB – You’re right, he’s in trauma, bad time.

DOUG – The story has giant albino penguins in it! Giant albino penguins! This guy dying of internal injuries in a passenger loading zone is a cinematic genius and I don’t think even HE could make that work.

BOB – You just don’t get it.

DOUG – I frakking GET Lovecraft! That is exactly WHY I think Mountains is unfilmable!

BOB – I’ll admit; there isn’t a film exec in the whole of Hollywood that would touch that film. Its too internal and cerebral, and to do it right it HAS to be R rated! The cost of doing that, even in China, would be scary enough for any studio to balk at a hard gory R rating. They’d need a PG-13 to hit the four quadrants! Then the hardcore fans would flame the damn thing into oblivion! Also, like you previously stated, giant Albino Penguins! You wonder why they sink hundreds of millions into a TMNT reboot? Burger King ain’t gonna put a giant killer albino penguin on a collectors cup. 7-11 maybe. There is really only one or two people that have the vision and clout to make Mountains of Madness happen and we just hit one of them with my car!

DOUG – Pretentious fan boy.

BOB – How you figure?

DOUG – TMNT?

BOB – Christ, give me a break! Fans have been calling it that for years.

DOUG – I usually just say turtles.

BOB – Can we not have this conversation now?

DOUG – Sure. (they both turn to look at Del Toro) Mountains is still un-filmable.

BOB – (charges right into Doug’s face) HE made the Cthulhu elements in Hellboy work! HE made a plate of fruit creepy in Pan’s Labyrinth, HE did the best Blade movie of the series!

DOUG – Oh come ON! Blade two is a note by note rip-off of Blade Runner!

BOB – I still don’t see that.

DOUG – Seriously? You got the rich bad guy’s twisted prodigy coming back to…

Del Toro moans, both Bob and Doug run to and kneel by him. The sound of an ambulance is heard in the distance.

BOB – Mr. Del Toro the ambulance is almost here. Stay with us, please. You NEED to hang on! You NEED to live! You NEED to do both Pacific Rim two and the accompanying cartoon series!

DOUG – Ask him if he’d ever do a sequel to Mimic.

BOB – Damnit Doug we’re trying to HELP him here!

The siren is close now. The sound of tires screeching to a halt. Two medics rush to Del Toro. Bob and Doug step back.

MEDIC ONE – This guy looks familiar.

MEDIC TWO – Yeah, I think he directed The Lord of the Rings.

Bob and Doug watch the medics load Del Toro on a stretcher.

BOB – Goodbye Mr. Del Toro. It was an honor meeting you.

DOUG – What do you think he was doing in Cincinnati anyway?

BOB – Amazo-con. I had tickets for Sunday.

DOUG – Bummer.

BOB – Yeah he was gonna sneak a trailer for Crimson Peak. That was the rumor.

DOUG – Look… Why don’t we make a statement, fill out the police reports, go back to my apartment, order a pizza, and pop in Hellboy Two: The Golden Army.

BOB – Seriously?

DOUG – Of course not. I only have the first one on blu-ray.

They get back in the car. Bob lets out a deep sigh.

BOB – Doug, I think we may have just altered the course of cinematic history.

DOUG – I know, amigo. Why couldn’t you have run over Michael Bay instead.

Bob starts the car. “Rock you like a hurricane” starts up again. They drive off.

Aaaaaaand Scene!

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