After reading Sean’s column, Revisiting the Reviled – A Time Warp for Toddlers, ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III’ Unmercifully Killed the Franchise, I started looking around the internet for other terrible portrayals of our beloved Turtles, and I found some doozies. It’s hard to look back at the Turtles’ humble beginnings as a violent indie comic inspired by Frank Miller and the New Mutants, because for so long they have been so much more than that. It’s insane to me that some random joke sketches by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird would eventually launch one of the biggest franchises in history, spawning numerous toys, cartoons, films, videogames, bedsheet sets, and everything else you can imagine. So of course there would be knock-offs aplenty, and I’ve compiled some of the biggest offenders here for your enjoyment. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles deserve better.
This Karate Turtles Master is pretty bad. Maybe not “terrible”, but not good. They weren’t even trying with his outfit, but he comes with a mini-me. Still, the less said, the better.
Now THIS is so terrible that it’s kind of amazing. Seriously, what’s even going on here? It’s an insane Power Rangers/TMNT mash-up, which honestly could be awesome, but… A giant pencil as a weapon!? BHS Video Gum!? Battle The Secretive Goo!? Are those paper towels the yellow bear is using as a weapon!? How many, and what kinds of drugs were these people on… On second thought, let’s just move on, I can’t even brain right now.
courageous RIGHTEOUS indeed. Like many knock-offs, this one is fairly accurate when it comes to the packaging, but loses it with the actual toys. I mean, are those some kind of Klingon weapons? Is that He-Man’s sword? And what the hell are they wearing!? These are actually kind of terrifying, as if they are waiting for you to fall asleep so they can jump off the shelf and commit unspeakable acts with your unconscious self. Brrr…
Other than the odd mash-up with Toy Story, this one isn’t so bad. Remote control kick flip skateboarder Leo is actually pretty cool, even if the pupils make him look crosseyed. Moving on…
Now these, these are so terrible that you wouldn’t even find them in one of those family owned 99 cents and under stores in the poor part of town. The fact that they are charging money for them is almost as insulting as someone giving them to their kid.
These are just bizarre, from the Amicable Herculean name to the fact it’s a Turtles head on a human body. I never thought I’d see the turtles wearing proper shoes. And what the hell are those weapons? Are those sunglasses!? It’s like they weren’t even trying. I can’t lie though, I kind of want one.
New Style Ninja Tortoise loses the naming competition to Amicable Herculean for sure, but otherwise is really not that bad for a knock-off. Wait, tortoise? Nevermind, that’s totally different. The fact that it looks as if the mask and mouth are stickers is odd though, as is the random “S” on the belt, but over all is a decent effort?
This is one of the oddest choices for bootleg Turtle merchandise, as I don’t remember the Turtles ever using guns, because, you know, they’re ninjas. Still, this is better than the Reptiles Weapons up above, so…
Ah, the 80s, when the independent comic boom meant rip-offs like this. Surprisingly still a popular enough comic that Dynamite published a new series a few years ago. And it was still terrible.
After the Turtles were ripped off by so many comics, they became popular, and there were knock-off cartoons, toys, and videogames, like this creatively bankrupt concept. Ah, yes, Battletoads. I never played the game or bought the toys because, honestly, it looked stupid, and I already had TMNT. Apparently it isn’t actually that terrible, or so I hear…
And then there’s this. A little more creative than Battletoads, but not by much. I feel bad for adding them to this list, not because it isn’t terrible, but for reminding you of them. I am so sorry.
This is easily the worst offender on the list. These turtles are so far removed from their source material, that it’s amazing someone didn’t get sued. Whoever did this should be ashamed for tainting the franchi… Wait. What’s that? $65 million dollars!? Are you freaking kidding me!? And a sequel!? I can’t even… F-it, I’m out.
Most of these images come courtesy of knockingoff.com, which is full of unlicensed hilarity, and you should totally check it out.
