Adult Continuity Issue Six – Captain America XXX

Adult Continuity – Captain America XXX
Or
“Hey, it ain’t cool to chain black men to walls in this country anymore!”

Captain America

Captain America

Another part in my editor unaware multi-column theme month or so (I know, needs a better name. I guess that’s what an editor is for). The theme is “Vs” and it all started with Batman V Superman XXX continued with Comics on the Can – Salvation Run, Cultural Junkdrawer – The V Decade and now it swings back around to the tenuous connection of “Captain America XXX”

Who doesn’t like porn? Even those that claim to find porn disgusting doth protest too much. The bible belt states or “the ones who should be most morally outraged by porn ‘cause Jesus didn’t have filthy base desires”, log the longest viewing times on Pornhub. This could be for many reasons including lack of other access to porn, transgressive behaviour happens more often when you got more to transgress against, viewers don’t pause the videos when grabbing another bottle of Grandpappy’s homebrewed moonshine, or maybe taking longer to two finger type “Ebony” (the number one search entry in all southern regions with, I assume, “first cousins and/or sisters” a close second).

As informative yet amusing as the Pornhub data is and believe me, it’s damn amusing, Pornhub is part of the problem. Yes, we now know that Lisa Ann is the most searched performer in a majority of US cities thanks to Pornhub. We also know that the porn industry is dying on the vine, or at least going through a massive paradigm change, because of sites like Pornhub, X-Hamster, Jacksjackshack.com, and the itouchmyselftopiratedporn page on your local torrent site; all of which have more viruses and spyware than a support group for girls James Bond has banged.

How do the big adult studios combat piracy? By getting on a trend. By grabbing that turgid trend by the base, hopping on, and riding it till it’s completely emptied then letting it go, drained and flaccid and moving on to the next trend.

I need a cigarette after that last sentence or possibly just for the metaphor to grab me a glass of water before it comes back into the bedroom.

Anyway Superhero porn parodies ARE that turgid trend I’m tasked with covering. So I bravely watch the parodies and transmit to you, verbally (always play safe) which ones are worth your time and Fapdollar™ because the adult industry, quite apropos, isn’t above faking it for money. Besides Lisa Ann hasn’t been in one so there is no need to see a pirated version. Also you wouldn’t do that anyway being good citizens and consumers.

It does seem like the parody trend is running its course. This is why I’m (eventually) reviewing Captain America XXX instead of having a Civil War XXX parody to review. Axel Braun has kinda shifted away from Superhero parodies as of late. It’s been mostly fairy tales for the last eighteen months. And truly, Axel excepted, there isn’t anybody with the chops to tackle a Civil War parody.

Have no fear; there are plenty of titles to review. Enough titles to keep me in the tasteless metaphors for years! So let me whip out this member… of the porn collection I have and expose it fully for you true believers and/or innocent victims/ passersby.

One of the stand-out details about the Captain America parody is the startling lack of Captain America in it! Especially when you watch the non-sex version (why the HELL would you watch the non-sex version of a porn parody? You ask angry and perplexed. I’ll explain below*). Seriously, the opening scene has him making out with a USO girl then there is a scene right after where he ambushes an A.I.M. project with Diamondback. That’s it for the First Avenger in his own movie. The rest of the show consists of his various enemies scheming over getting their mitts on the Cosmic Cube and one another, also his friends in various states of capture and compromising positions. Sidelining the title character is a curious choice to start with but at the end of the ambush scene, when Crossbones ambushes the ambush, Captain America is essentially forgotten about. In fact, the scene ends with the Red Skull’s daughter, Sin, capturing Diamondback. The story is unclear as to whether Cap escaped, captured, killed, was frozen in ice again (unlikely seeing as how the scene takes place in the desert) or just had something better to do. Given Crossbones and Sin’s intense animosity towards the good Captain capture seems unlikely and killing Cap negates the whole purpose of the film’s existence. Essentially the whole thread is dropped because… I don’t know.

Well, I can guess. Braun and Logan wrote the parody very much like an issue of a comic book. It’s not that unusual to give a good amount of face time to the supporting cast of characters, especially villains. But that is usually in service to a big return of the main character aka: a pay-off… A climax if you will. Captain America doesn’t have that; what little there is of the plot is resolved by other characters (Quicksilver). Essentially Captain America is superfluous. He’s made even more conspicuous in his absence because all the bad guys (Zemo, Crossbones, Sin) seem to have a hard-on for Cap and all have myriad plots to kill him. It’s just Steve doesn’t show up for any of it.

There is some place-setting for a follow up; Baron Zemo is mind controlling Hellcat for an eventual Cap killing but there doesn’t seem to be any sense of urgency about the plan. I’m not just talking about Zemo slipping in a little mind controlled nookie either. The Cosmic Cube macguffin seems to be no more than a cosmic powered aphrodisiac. Which would be a fun twist if such a power was more than just implied. Sharon Carter as a S.H.I.E.L.D. traitor and operative for Doctor Doom is another thread that abruptly ends after a sex scene with Batroc (ironic and funny as that is). Overall nothing much seems to happen or more accurately the plot doesn’t really go anywhere. Disappointing considering the excellent work Braun and Logan have done in previous efforts.

Everything looks like the Captain America comics and this being released in 2014 that is a conscious choice. This is one of the few times that such fealty to the source material doesn’t work in Braun’s favor. The classic Falcon costume makes Tyler Knight (not his real name) look like he just came off a “Captain America on ice” review from the 70’s, Crossbones seem like a Punisher fetishist and drives home the sinking realization that Zemo is wearing a fucking bag over his head. Batroc looks like Batroc which indicates that with his next score Batroc should get a new fashion consultant.

The women fair a bit better, which is to be expected. Kleio Valentien gets extra thumbs up for late-era Diamondback sporting the fuschia hair and skin tight body suit. Phoenix Marie looks amazing in her S.H.I.E.L.D. outfit even with it fighting for its life stretched around her ample chest. Sin looks hot and suitably vampish even if Claire Robbins falls short in the acting department. And from the advanced research I did it seems like for the gals the costumes mostly stay on during the sex scenes so that’s a plus to your fapping criteria.

Sadly, being in-line with comic book verisimilitude also works against the production with the uniformly exaggerated accents. Ryan Driller, if he’s even doing the voice of Zemo, does the accent like Boris Baddinoff from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Giovanni Francesco is obviously having a blast hamming it up as Batroc; his performance is the most animated of the entire cast. Yet I couldn’t help thinking of the french taunter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail when he is delivering lines.

As always the attention to detail on an Axel Braun production is much appreciated but in this case taking cues from the MCU designs might have proved a better choice. When the first thing Diamondback says when undressing Falcon for a three-way is “let’s get those wings off” in a practical not sexy way you might have a slight problem.

Everything on this title is still top-notch but there is a faint “Burnt-out” vibe permeating this production. Mark Logan’s writing of these is very loyal to canon; Crossbones mentions deprogramming Sin through torture and they do bone after as an example. But usually there is a bit more humor. The only really funny line is Falcon quipping to Batroc about being chained to a wall. Once again this title falls kinda short of the admittedly high standards previous outings had set. It is probably a good thing Axel took a break from Superheros to do Fairy tales for a bit; 2015 Batman Vs Superman has a lot more energy to it.

Still Captain America XXX looks great even if the story comes up lacking. Odds are you’ll only be watching this in five to (on a good day with lube) ten minutes spurts anyway. If you’ve always wondered if Baron Zemo takes the sack off his head when sexytime happens you’ll be able to find out now.

Things tangentially related to the main column that I couldn’t fit in organically.

I watch the non-sex version because I’m focusing on everything BUT the sex to avoid distractions.

I do occasionally watch the sex scenes but what I think about those is a very private thing.
OK, I did watch the Diamondback/Quicksilver/Falcon scene and Valentien is deserving of all the accolades she gets. I was surprised Quicksilver was a dirty talker but then again I was also surprised Quicksilver was in a straight scene that didn’t involve Scarlet Witch.

Having Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch do a scene immediately puts the whole thing in a porn sub-genre BTW.

Captain America is played by Aaron Wilcoxxx whom I think is using an embellished spelling of his name.

Reinforcing his status as king of porn parody super villains Derrick Pierce is Crossbones.

I interviewed Derrick for this very site see it HERE. There is a lot of super villain and Deadpool talk involved.

One of those accolades for Kleio is a best supporting actress win for Batman Vs Superman XXX at this year’s (2016) AVN Awards.

Another one she was nominated for best 3-way at the 2015 AVNs for the above mentioned scene with Falcon and Quicksilver.

Ya gotta love any awards show that has “Best three-way” as a category.

Derrick talks at length about his chemistry with Kleio in the interview too.

Batroc’s moustache helped a lot with the french taunter vibe too.

I’m still not finished with my “Vs” theme writing. Look for my Comics on the Can review of the Civil War GN very soon.

Maybe I’ll even extend the VS theme to the next Adult Continuity with a review or Superman Vs Spiderman.

Shop Deadpool tees in our officially licensed Marvel store!

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