Adult Continuity Issue Five – Batman v Superman XXX

Batman v Superman XXX

Here’s how this column works: I watch a superhero porn parody and then review it not on the sexiness of the boning scenes but by how close the parody adheres to the source material and faithfulness of reproduction (though I’ll toss you a bone every once in awhile and let you know if the sex scenes are hot). I among a select few have years of experience in making movies and TV, master class comic book geekery, and years of unbridled pornography viewing. The criteria is generous: at least things have to be in focus and exposed decently. Everything else is a pleasant surprise. Essentially it is my duty to let you know if this title realizes your sick, shameful fan fantasies and your time and embarrasment in going to your local smut hut to rent or buy it.

In fact, I can watch the non-sex version of the production so as not to get distracted by that element. Also I watch enough porn for its original intent. Watching the movie without the sex scene is kinda like a break. So aside from the occasional off-color joke this column is pretty safe for work.

Though watching porn at work is a pretty aces way to stick it to the man.

One of the cool things about adult entertainment or in the popular vernacular, porn, (aside from the obvious) is that production can move quickly. Unburdened by things such as securing rights, corralling hundreds of millions of dollars for multi-national productions and taking months to shoot said productions; porn can, at the most logistically challenging, take a few weeks to put together. Case in point the title your Google (non-judgemental unlike your Aunt Beatrice) search of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman Three-way brought up a link for this column along with pictures of Alison Tyler’s impressive rack.

Batman v Superman XXX an Axel Braun Parody landed middle of last year right about the time that people in Hall H in San Diego were saying “I waited three days for that?!?! I coulda gotten Kevin Sorbo’s autograph five times over and attended the steampunk cosplay mixer instead!”

In fact Batman v Superman XXX (hereby referred to as BvSsmut) was probably shot in the same timeframe it took that poor sweaty, dehydrated, $10 pizza slice eating soul to see the new mainstream trailer and silently understand, (if not admit to themselves), that some things work better in theory than practice. Like Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor.

Seriously, though, this is not a knock on BvSsmut or the general amount of time invested in porn parodies. Being light on their feet allowed Axel Braun and company to get a video out in short order and on a budget equal to what was spent on Kale shakes for Snyder and Affleck alone. As with Axel’s other parodies you get the attention to detail. There are some faults (see below) but for knocking out an elaborate (for porn) production in such a short amount of time and still have it be good is admirable. Though from my experience in production my heart goes out to the crew which I’m sure got hammered in the not good way.

The look of the movie is top notch (as expected). The opening shot is Batman landing in frame and a boom up to reveal him on a rooftop. There is no cheating here; the Bat costume has to sell you on it right out of the gate. Braun knows what he’s doing and he’s not afraid to show off the goods. Seconds later Superman floats down to the roof and hovers for long enough to make the wire rig worth the time and money. Bats pulls a weapon and The Man of Steel, somewhat perplexed yet somewhat humored says “You’re kidding me.” Then Bats turns on the sonic (or electric) attack and brings the Man of Steel to his knees. It’s a pretty cool teaser. It certainly gets the idea of Batman v Superman right out there in the open quickly. The costume design takes its cues from “Man of Steel” and the Bat Armor from the “Dawn of Justice” trailer (aka Dark Knight Returns). It should be noted that because I’m using the term “Costume design” in a non-ironic/snarky way this title is operating at a level that satisfies the, admittedly, generous criteria I have laid out for this column.

Next we get a “Six weeks earlier” title card. I’ll admit that this narrative cheat is a pet peeve of mine; trying to hook the viewer with the snazzy pay-off without earning it. I guess in porn terms it would be like opening on the money shot then showing the foreplay. If time-jump fuckery doesn’t serve plot or character it’s usually an admission that the lead-up won’t hold your attention on its own. I give BvSsmut a rueful pass on this because, A: It is a damn good hook and this is what you came for (aside from feeling validation for the Superman/Maxima slashfic you write, that is). B: Might as well put that shit right out there, we got plenty of foreplay ahead of us! Once again it should be noted that because I’m using terms like “Narrative cheat” in a non-ironic/snarky way this title is operating at a level that satisfies the, admittedly, generous criteria I have laid out for this column.

The other thing that saves from the narrative cheat is that the next scene hits you with a lot of geektastic ideas; Superman is watching a Lois Lane broadcast about President Luthor’s creation, Bizarro, having run amuck. The extra tweak is that he’s watching it from what I can only assume is Maxima’s (Played by Britney Amber in a costume that, according to my research, is only about 13% skimpier than what Maxima wears in the comic) chill room on Almerac after fighting off an invasion of the planet. All this is gleaned from the dialogue and serves as a preamble to that slash-fic validation I mentioned above but damn if the effort isn’t appreciated guys! President Luthor, Bizarro, Maxima! In this situation it takes such little effort to get it right but those details help and show that those making the movie are as into the source material as the fans are. That makes a world of difference.

I have it on good authority that a lot of the accuracy and detail on the dialogue and story side comes from Braun’s co-writer Mark Logan. I imagine that he has to be laughing out loud when he caps a blow job scene with Superman saying to a surprised and infuriated Maxima “I have no desire to father despots.” Superman you dog you! At least you could’ve returned the favor!

With Superman off-planet The Joker’s plan to kill him hits a snag. He promised to kill the kidnapped Lois Lane by midnight if Superman didn’t show up. Luthor’s response to this bit of information is “Who’d you make the promise to?” Which is a great F’n response! Joker’s reply is authentically chilling and very much in line with character.

SPOILER ALERT HERE!

The Joker shoots Lois in the head.

Yet again it should be noted that because I’m using terms like “Spoiler Alert” in a non-ironic/snarky way this title is operating at a level that satisfies the, admittedly, generous criteria I have laid out for this column.

Understandably the Dark Knight is concerned that when the Man of Steel returns to earth and gets the news about Lois, Supes will snap and seek to kill the Joker. Which sets the stage for the V part of the title.

One of the coolest and best written scenes comes when Batman is stealing kryptonite from a Lexcorp vault and Luthor catches Bats in the act.
Batman: “You think pretty highly of yourself.”
Luthor:“Compared to you? I’ve been head to head with the man of steel.”
Batman: “Everyone seems more impressed with that than I am.”
Luthor: “You should try it.”

The dialogue goes on and though I won’t transcribe it I’ll say that this scene alone is worth the price of admission. Derrick Pierce is pitch fucking perfect as Lex Luthor; he exudes snake like charm and tightly coiled intelligence. Giovanni Francesco holds his own as Batman but Pierce just owns this scene. I’ll go out on a limb and say that this scene might be one of the best exchanges between the two characters I’ve ever seen in any medium.

The look and detail continue; Kleio Valentien looks fantastic as Harley Quinn dripping sex and danger in equal amounts while rocking the best outfit of your fevered Harley fantasy. Aiden Ashley isn’t as buxom as Catwoman usually appears but she has the flip attitude and Selina’s intensity nailed down. Carter Cruise looks great as Supergirl even if her scene serves no purpose other than taking the bone train with Lex Luthor. Brendon Miller approaches the Joker from the Heath Ledger route which is a daring move. Even with him not quite getting there it still works in the tone of the movie. Ryan Driller has been Superman in more productions than Christopher Reeve at this point and there is a good reason why. There is even an appearance by Lily Cade as a pre-Robin Carrie Kelly with a look that makes perfect sense for a live action version (thankfully there isn’t a sex scene.)

Batman v Superman XXX is smart enough to know the best bits to nick from the Batman; Dark Knight returns, Kingdom Come, Arkham City and even Injustice: Gods Among Us. BvSsmut is also canny enough to pull such homages off.

Where it falters is the same complaint I had with Axel’s X-Men parody; it feels like half a story. Almost all foreplay and no money shot. Obviously the heroes can’t have a city smashing throwdown on a porn budget but the conflict between the two is muted; Superman says he wants to find and kill the Joker and Batman is gonna stop him but there is essentially no build-up on a plot or character level for it. Then Wonder Woman drops in, unconvincingly talks the two off the beating the crap outta each other ledge and then they have a three-way. I’m not even faulting the inevitable porn logic of plot resolution through fluid exchange. The movie just ends right after so there are a ton of threads left dangling like recently drained reproductive organs. It is a bit frustrating to have so many satisfying elements and then be left with the narrative equivalent of blue balls. Porn can be a lot of things; draining, visceral, cathartic, arousing and entertaining but one thing it shouldn’t leave you is unsatisfied.

Last time; it should be noted that because I’m using terms like “visceral, cathartic and entertaining” in a non-ironic/snarky way this title is operating at a level that satisfies the, admittedly, generous criteria I have laid out for this column. Batman v Superman XXX might not deliver on its resolution but that is high praise; I’m left wanting more.

DANGLING BITS

I originally intended to tear into hall H silliness more but I covered it well enough on last year’s Cultural Junkdrawer.

The Director of photography (DP) Mac Swell (not real name) makes good looking smut.

DP means something entirely different in the porn biz.

The make-up by May Kup (not real name) is admirable too. Joker especially looks well done and creepy.

Sound techs Seth Cardigan (not real name) and Brother Goat (oddly, real name) keep the show sounding good.

Reading up on Maxima I kinda feel bad for her; all that she wants is another baby.

That is the first and last time that you’ll ever catch me quoting Ace of Base.

There is a lot of evidence to support the accusation that Ace of Base had nazi/white supremacists origins. Here are two links if you want to feel bad about buying their music when you were 16 yrs old…
http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-90s-pop-band-secretly-sold-nazism-to-america/
http://noisey.vice.com/blog/ace-of-bases-secret-nazi-past

Britney Amber has a hard time selling Maxima but I really stopped paying attention after a certain point in the scene anyway.

Even if Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is good Eisenberg is gonna be painful. All that manic energy just wasted.

I have this image in my head of Zack Snyder being like Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and that’s reflected in my columns.

Zack and I both hail from Pittsfield, Massachusetts as does Elizabeth Banks.

Neither of them return my calls, though.

Seriously guys; Derrick Pierce owns Luthor. All the actors that have played Luthor in the movies play him big. Even Spacey was aiming for the cheap seats. Luthor isn’t big in that respect. Pierce plays Lex with all that emotion and intelligence simmering with the threat of boiling over. Which, in my opinion nails it. His scene with Joker was restrained and calculated; he’s over Joker’s bullshit. But there was a moment or two where it seemed Lex would intervene on Lois’ behalf simply because tactically it would be a smart move to have Supes owe him one.

I did a great interview with Derrick about being the go-to guy for playing villains on the site here.

For a more lengthy analysis of Luthor being the dude that villains hang posters of in their dorm room see my comics on the can here.

Now I’ve completed my trifecta of links to other works of mine.

Essentially Celeste Star is doing a non-sex role here. That’s a shame.

I have this aversion to seeing the Joker in a sex scene; there has been many by the way. Joker just seems way too twisted to do something like sex regardless of how hot Harley Quinn is. More So with the semi-vanilla scenes that the character has done.

There is another in-joke line that I didn’t know about till Sean Mulvihill’s revisiting the reviled for Batman Forever; Lex says to Supergirl about Joker “I can no longer sanction his bufoonery” which is what Tommy Lee Jones said about Jim Carrey on the set of Batman Forever.

Aside from the queasy implications of a Batman/Carrie Kelly sex scene. There wouldn’t have been one because Lily Cade only does lesbian porn. So that means she was cast because she LOOKED the part. More kudos given.

Another dangling plot thread is the revelation that Lois and Bruce were having an affair and she wasn’t in love with Clark anymore. Even stranger is that there is no physical expression of their love (aka: Boning) just an (obviously) post-coital conversation. Maybe there was no more time and money but that seems like a hell of a bomb to drop and not follow up on.

As promised: The sex scenes are pretty hot.

Next time maybe I’ll dig out an older Captain America parody or Iron Man in anticipation of Civil War. Or maybe Braun or someone else will get a parody out before the movie. The porn biz does move quick.

Shop Deadpool tees in our officially licensed Marvel store!

One Response

  1. Michael Colbert Michael Colbert March 23, 2016 Reply

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