Greetings programs! Welcome to my second annual Almost Completely True Recap of that yearly event where geeks, nerds, fangirls, fanboys, Game of Thrones fanatics, gamers, heat exhaustion fetishists, and people who like to “accidentally” rub up against Harley Quinn cosplayers gather to test their endurance levels and drain their bank accounts; Comic-Con!
In the interest of transparency (and in honor of the critically acclaimed and apparently comic culture oriented Amazon show Transparent which had a panel this year (six-hour wait) and a booth (G56329-Z) on your handy-dandy fold out hall map which you can’t stop to read to orient yourself because of the relentless crush of people (continuously being told to keep moving by the warm and accommodating security), I must tell you that I did not attend this year’s Comic-Con.
I’ve assured the largest gathering of pop culture fandom that it’s nothing personal; I also didn’t attend two other cons that would have afforded me almost as much entertainment but for different reasons; The Republican National Convention in Cleveland where I could bask in the warm glow of loving, compassionate humanity, and The BBW Con in Las Vegas where I could… um, bask in the warm glow of loving, compassionate humanity too.
Anyhoo, there are many reasons as to why I didn’t attend this year’s festivities here are some of them:
I checked all the hotel and AirBnb sites and the closest accommodations were two doors down from the place where I live in the San Fernando valley.
My Mole-man costume was ruined by the dry cleaners; environmentally friendly… yes. Gentle on cardboard and glitter paste… no.
For some reason the passes for the con are sold out two weeks before they go on sale.
My spec script for Highlander V Hellraiser: Immortal Torment got trashed on the Sub-Reddit “There can be only one… Christopher Lambert!”. My confidence is ruined now.
Jeff was going… I fucking hate Jeff!
I really wanted to see Star Trek Beyond without dealing with angry boycotters shouting at me outside the theater.
The homeless situation in San Diego is just terrible; I saw this picture of hundreds of filthy, exhausted, sunburnt, dehydrated, broken people just lying around… oh wait, that is a picture of the Hall H line.
I can always buy the Conan O’Brian as Stormtrooper Funko Pop on Ebay for… let’s see here… only $120!
I already got the inside word that there is a new movie for Land of the Lost in the works and it’ll be done “right this time” so scuttlebutts on the show floor can suck it!
Did I mention the warm and accommodating security?
I figured I’d be tired after trolling the RNC with Craig’s list ads for “Delegates into heavy oral that secretly desire bottom training” (imagine my surprise when I got a response from Mike Pence with a pic of him in leather lederhosen).
I hear there are a lot of spiders in the Gaslamp Distrtict. Spiders freak me out.
But my physical absence from Nerd Prom in no way inhibits my ability to recap the highlights. Every social media outlet (yes, even Google +) is flooded with breaking news almost instantly. Websites, as quaint and old fashion as they are, are also in the game. Which means that I can live out the excitement of SDCC with only a fraction of human interaction and body odor those in San Diego have to endure, thus making life a lot more bearable.
Of course it wouldn’t be any fun if it were all true, so I’m peppering the highlights with “untruths”, “Fibs”, “artistic license” or, in tribute to the RNC, “False narratives” but without as much fear mongering (but almost the same level of hate and outrage). I’m gonna say somewhere between 78-86% is true, so not comparable to a “Pants on fire” rating on www.politifact.com. You have to figure out what was real and what was make-believe, which is strange because the whole point of Comic-Con is make-believe.
VIDEO GAMES
Oliver Stone made his first ever appearance at Comic-Con this year. He was hyping his new film Snowden, which he said was just a “slightly revised” version of his 1981 script for Conan the Barbarian by using the find/replace function. But that’s not the big news; Oliver warned the attendees about the nefarious intentions behind Pokemon Go! calling it “Surveillance Capitalism”. Citing the location tracking needed to work the game along with the data mining done by the software as tools for self surveillance. “You’ll see a new form of, frankly, a robot society, where they will know how you want to behave and they will make the mockup that matches how you behave and feed you. It’s what they call totalitarianism.”
But many of the attendees were unconvinced, for example Mark Jablonski of 1356 Elm Grove Lane, apt 451, Wichita, KS who loves Voltron, cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and who prefers Downey fabric softener over other brands, and is currently enjoying a Caramel Frappuccino at the Starbucks two miles north of his home said “That’s paranoid tinfoil hat stuff…. Ohh I just found a Slowbro, Yes!”
Stone followed the Pokemon comment with “There’s no decent coke here in San Diego, what the fuck!?!”
Square Enix decided to cash in on the astounding success of the Hitman: Agent 47 movie, which made back half its budget and got 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, with a new app called Hitman Go! In the game, which is in no way inspired by Pokemon Go’s success, you use augmented reality on your phone to track down targets like mob bosses, political dissenters, Oliver Stone, all the critics who gave the movie a bad review and kill them.
There is also an update to Hitman: Sniper where you practice your sniper skills on other snipers, mob bosses, innocent victims, and Oliver Stone. But it comes across a little tone-deaf to the current climate.
The title Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Curtain Call is:
A. a Justin Timberlake remix album.
B. a new juice bar opening on Sunset Blvd later this month.
or C. a new game from Square Enix announced at SDCC.
MOVIES
Trailers! Trailers! Trailers! As much as I enjoy waiting in line for six days subsisting on greasy cold pizza, sour cream and onion Pringles, and $5 bottles of water, I decided to pass up that whole Hall H ordeal and just check out the trailers on the Youtube mere minutes after they were screened for that den of public health hazards. Here are my favorites…
Doctor Strange Trailer #2
Nice psychedelic touches. I might need to get a dispensary card before I see this movie in November.
Justice League trailer #1
Already being called a corrective for Batman V Superman, the trailer for this movie already has more laughs and, dare I say it, joy in two and a half minutes than BvS had in two and a half hours. Ezra Miller as Barry Allen steals the show here, but Bruce Wayne’s “I hear you talk to fish” comment is a great bit.
Wonder Woman trailer #1
I’m sure websites like “Return of Kings” and chauvinist reactionary trolls will have blood vessels to pop over some imagined “Feminist Agenda” in the movie, but fuck them! Wonder Woman was the highlight of Batman V Superman! She owned her shit in that flick. Placing it in World War I is an interesting choice too. That war is way underserved in current media… Chris Pine; getting tired of him, but he is dreamy.
For another take on Batman how bout…
Lego Batman Movie trailer # 2
Will Arnett voices the Batman from The Lego Movie again. To be clear, this is the narcissistic, doofus, funny Batman. Or as Emmet says in Lego Dimensions “The jerk Batman”. I can’t wait!
Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them trailer # 2
J.K. Rowling is still doing a terrible job of being retired from the wizarding world she created. I’m betting next year there will be a trailer for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child movie. Mark my words.
You like giant apes? Who doesn’t?
Kong Skull Island Trailer # 1
I just talked with a publicist going down to Comic-Con to help with the panel for this movie; I asked slyly about the rumours of a Godzilla Vs King Kong in the future. The publicist would neither confirm nor deny the rumor, so I’m gonna say it is 100% true! You heard it here first!
SOME RANDOM STUFF
John Barrowman cosplaying as The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl:
As Harley Quinn:
As Zapp Brannigan:
Coming up in a few days:
SDCC Almost Completely True Recap: Part 2!
I’ll be tackling TV news, casting news, random stuff, Edrio Two Tubes, and maybe a bit about comic books too. See you then!