Nobody Could ‘Love the Coopers’

GameStop, Inc.

I usually have a personal policy that if I absolutely detest a movie I just won’t review it, but in this case I will make an exception. Take everything you enjoyed about Love Actually, the large extended family, the intertwining stories allowing for one large pay off, full of laughs, hope and romance, now squat down on top of that DVD after taking a dietetic, expel your bowels all over it then wipe yourself with the case, making sure to get as many paper cuts as possible and have a piece of plastic lodged into your posterior and you have Love the Coopers.

Love the CoopersWho could possibly image a movie with an ensemble cast featuring Alan Arkin, John Goodman, Ed Helms, Diane Keaton, Jake Lacy, Anthony Mackie, Amanda Seyfried, June Squibb, Marisa Tomei, and Olivia Wilde could be the worst holiday movie of the 20th and 21st Century…not counting that new POS featuring Seth Rogen; that guy ruins everything.

This is the ultimate stereotype of WASPs who detest their families but never discuss their problems and only communicate through snide comments until someone has a melt down, then food, insults, and shrieks fly in an attempt to reconcile decades of suppressed emotions that get resolved over a hospital visit because the fear of mortality is what really sets in and you better make up with each other before grandpa dies, but we really don’t care about grandpa, we only care about our own mortality.

Olivia Wilde plays the hot girl with a shallow existence who refuses to get too close to anyone because she had her heart broken nearly a decade ago. She’s the stereotypical atheist, ice queen, pseudo-pacifist who invites a random stranger and soldier, who just happens to be an Evangelical Protestant home for Christmas to pretend he’s her fiance after spending 6-hours in the airport.

God only knows in what universe Marisa Tomei is Diane Keaton’s younger sister by only a handful of years, but they miserably fail at that. The only interesting relationship is the May of 2015, December of 1915 semi-romantic/father-daughter relationship between Alan Arkin and Amanda Seyfried. What ruins that is Ed Helms, his grandson, who also has a crush on Seyfried’s character, who he essentially steals grandpa’s girl because he’s got a heart condition and intimacy would kill him!

How Alan Arkin couldn’t even save this floater is beyond comprehension. He’s great in everything, but even here you want him to die just to escape this miserable, worthless family.

Anthony Mackie plays a hard-nosed gay cop, June Squibb is the aunt suffering from dementia, and John Goodman and Diane Keaton are planning to get a divorce because, guess what? She refused to take a trip to Africa 30 years ago. She’s no longer the free-loving hippie but an old prude.

The most disgusting scene in the entire film is when Goodman and Keaton are fighting about Africa again in the family kitchen. The dog (voiced Steve Martin for no reason), gets into the mashed potatoes and instead of throwing it out, they FEED IT TO THEIR FAMILY!!! If you are a disgusting, filthy, sub-human being that will let your sloppy dog eat straight out of the pot and then still serve it to your family, especially your grandchildren, someone should call Child Protective Services and have you locked up for child abuse.

If you loathe your family, hate the holidays, and wish you were still watching first run melancholy, crappy 90s indie flicks, go see Love the Coopers. If you have never attempted suicide in the past but are looking to kill yourself, Love the Coopers opens nationwide Friday, November 13, 2015.

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