Cultural Junkdrawer – Zortron’s Oscars™

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I’m currently off-dimension this month; I had to visit the Popeil dimension to aid in relief efforts. There was a horrific food dehydrator accident, and the denizens of this awkward alternate plane of existence don’t have healthy dehydrated snacks to take to work or school for just pennies a day. It’s pretty grim, most of the people try to stuff whole bags of potato chips into lunch boxes then seem surprised when they have crushed chip dust at lunch. Honestly, these guys are just clueless, they can’t even wrap a regular garden hose without serious frustration and grievous bodily injury. If it wasn’t for the Cat’s Meow undercover moving mouse toy (patent pending) they’d all probably be tender vittles by now. The real trouble is that there is an exact duplicate Popeil dimension that you can go to for just the cost of shipping and handling but only if you act now.

Anyhoo, I asked a friend to cover the Academy award nominations for me. Bad news – She’s a cosmic level entity that travels the universe destroying planets and, as such, is prone to grandiose statements. Good news – she’s perceived within the limited ability of our cosmic awareness as a hundred foot purple chihuahua. Usually her herald, the Tepid Mauve scooter-er…er, announces her arrival but she has deemed me worthy this time. So, um… Behold, Zortron Destroyer of Worlds!

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PUNY HUMANS! I, THE MIGHTY ZORTRON DESTROYER OF WORLDS, HAVE ARRIVED UPON THIS PLANET AT A CRITICAL JUNCTURE! YOU HAVE REACHED THE TIME IN YOUR SOLAR CYCLE WHERE YOU ONCE AGAIN CLAIM ONE FALSE REALITY PRESENTED IN A QUAINT ARCHAIC INFORMATION STORAGE FORMAT IS BETTER THAN ANOTHER. THE MIGHTY ZORTRON HAS SEEN MANY REALITIES IN THE MULTI-VERSE; A UNIVERSE WHERE SUNS GLOW BLACK AND THE VOID IS BLINDING WHITE, A WORLD WHERE HYPER-INTELLIGENT CARROTS ARE THE DOMINANT LIFE FORM, EVEN AN ALTERNATE TIME-LINE WHERE GILBERT GOTTFIRED WAS CAST AS THE LEAD IN THE UP-COMING DOCTOR STRANGE MOVIE (INFINITE WORLDS, INFINITE POSSIBILITIES, KIDS) AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THESE “MOTION PICTURES” YOU UTILIZE ARE LAUGHABLY PRIMITIVE AS FAR AS DOCUMENTING FICTIONAL WORLDS. IN FACT WHILE RESEARCHING THIS COLUMN I DISCOVERED THAT YOU DON’T EVEN USE A SUB-QUANTUM REALITY DISTORTION MATRIX PROJECTOR TO VIEW THEM. SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN DUPLICATE YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS ONTO YOUR INTERNAL STIMU-CELL WET-DRIVE TO HAVE SUB ATOMIC INTERCOURSE WITH AT A LATER SPACE/TIME LOCATION? SUCH A PRIMITIVE RACE. NO WONDER I’VE EARMARKED YOU FOR TOTAL OBLITERATION. NOT SURPRISED AT ALL. BUT SINCE I DID PROMISE MICHAEL I’D COVER HIM AFTER LOSING A GIANT SEA HORSE RACE BET AT THE BORGA-D’OON MEMORIAL RACE TRACK AND MEDICAL PLAZA ON EUROPA, I, THE MIGHTY AND FEARSOME ZORTRON, WILL GO OVER THE NOMINEES AND, HAVING THE ABILITY TO PEER INTO THE FUTURE, TELL YOU WHICH OF YOUR PUNY MOVIES AND ACTORS WILL WIN. THUS SPOILING THE SURPRISE FOR YOU BUT GIVING YOU A DISTINCT ADVANTAGE IN YOUR OFFICE POOL.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Meryl Streep, “Into the Woods” – ANOTHER YEAR ANOTHER NOMINATION. PERSONALLY I THINK THIS IS TO MAKE UP FOR HER BEING SNUBBED FOR “THE RIVER WILD”

Laura Dern, “Wild” – GOT THIS BECAUSE DAVID LYNCH DIDN’T CAMPAIGN FOR HER.

Keira Knightley, “The Imitation Game” – NABOO REPRESENT! …AND THE OSCARS GET FLACK FOR LACK OF DIVERSITY! WHERE ELSE DOES A GAUNT WHITE WEIRD LOOKING ALIEN FROM ANOTHER WORLD THAT VAGUELY LOOKS LIKE A KIDS DOLL PUT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR JUST UNDER 30 SECONDS GET AN OSCAR NOMINATION? UMMM, SEE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH… YEAH.

Patricia Arquette (THE SECOND HOTTEST ARQUETTE… AFTER DAVID, OF COURSE) “Boyhood” – IF SHE WINS I WONDER IF THE PRODUCERS OF “C.S.I. – CYBER” WILL GET HER A CAKE THAT SAYS “Remember, your movie that comes out after an Oscar win always sucks.”

Emma Stone, “Birdman” – MICHAEL LOVES EMMA AND IS SAD SHE “DIED” IN THE “AMAZING SPIDER MAN 2”. OF COURSE THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS IN “AMAZING SPIDER MAN 2” THAT MADE MICHAEL SAD, HER DYING RANKED ABOVE THE WTF MOMENT OF ELECTRO’S ELECTRIC EEL ORIGIN AND JUST BELOW EVERYTHING ABOUT “AMAZING SPIDER MAN 2”.

WINNER – PATRICIA ARQUETTE UNLESS THIS IS THE TIMELINE WHERE GIANT RADIOACTIVE SLOTHS SLOWLY… VERY SLOWLY DESTROY EVERY MAJOR CITY IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE. IF IT IS, THEN EMMA STONE WINS. KINDA A MOOT POINT THOUGH.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – BETTER KNOWN AS THE MARVEL COMICS CONNECTION CATEGORY

Robert Duvall, “The Judge” – PLAYS IRON MAN’S DAD

J.K. Simmons, “Whiplash” – PLAYED J. J. JAMESON IN THE ORIGINAL SPIDER-MAN MOVIES ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

Edward Norton, “Birdman” – PLAYED “THE HULK” IN “THE INCREDIBLE HULK”.

Mark Ruffalo, “Foxcatcher” – REPLACED EDWARD NORTON AS THE HULK SETTING A RECORD OF DOING IT IN TWO MOVIES NOW.

Ethan Hawke, “Boyhood” – HAS NOT BEEN IN A COMIC BOOK MOVIE BUT I WOULD DEARLY LOVE TO SEE HIM GET STOMPED TO DEATH BY THE HULK.

WINNER – EDWARD NORTON IS JUST PLAYING HIMSELF IN BIRDMAN, EXCEPT SLIGHTLY LIKEABLE, ETHAN HAWKE IS A PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEBAG, SO IT GOES TO J.K. SIMMONS BECAUSE HE HELPED SO MANY ACADEMY MEMBERS GET CAR INSURANCE AT A COMPETITIVE RATE.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS – OR AWARD FOR A BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS ANGLINLG TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PORTRAYING THE PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY ILL OR UGLY

Marion Cotillard, “Two Days, One Night” – CRIPPLING DEPRESSION.

Julianne Moore, “Still Alice” – CRIPPLING ALZHEIMERS DIAGNOSIS.

Reese Witherspoon, “Wild” – CRIPPLING EMOTIONAL CAUTERIZATION AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR, AND A NEED TO STOP BEING AMERICA’S SWEETHEART FOR ONE FRICKIN MOVIE.

Rosamund Pike, “Gone Girl” – CRIPPLINGLY DEAD FOR A HUGE CHUNK OF THE MOVIE.

Felicity Jones, “The Theory of Everything” – NO REAL CRIPPLING FAULTS EXCEPT MARRYING A THEORETICAL PHYSICIST WHO’S A BALLER!

WINNER – JULIANNE MOORE SIMPLY BECAUSE HER NEXT FILM IS “SEVENTH SON” (from the production company that brought you “300”) AND HOOO-BOY DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A STINKER. THIS FOLLOWS THE LAW MENTIONED IN PATRICIA ARQUETTE’S BIT ABOVE.

BEST LEAD ACTOR – OR “AREN’T THESE GUYS USUALLY FUNNY?”

Steve Carell, “Foxcatcher” – A NEW HIGH-POINT IN THE WEIRDEST CAREER ARC IN THE HISTORY OF ACTING. I DON’T KNOW IF HIS MONKEY/DARTBOARD CHOICE SYSTEM IS UNUSUALLY LUCKY OR STEVE HAS SOME KIND OF COSMIC AWARENESS (I DON’T SEE HIM AT THE MEETINGS).

Benedict Cumberbatch, “The Imitation Game” – THE MAN WHO WILL BE DOCTOR STRANGE DOES A GREAT JOB PLAYING A VARIATION ON SHERLOCK.

Bradley Cooper, “American Sniper” – THIRD YEAR IN A ROW FOR THE BRAD-STER. HE MIGHT BE IN DANGER OF BECOMING THE SUSAN LUCCHI OF THE OSCARS

Eddie Redmayne, “The Theory of Everything” – WAS THIS GUY ON “GAME OF THRONES” OR “DOWNTON ABBY” OR SOMETHING?

Michael Keaton, “Birdman” – HE PLAYS A FORMER BLOCKBUSTER COMIC BOOK MOVIE ACTOR VYING FOR LEGITIMACY BY PLAYING AGAINST A TYPE THAT HAUNTS HIS CAREER, RELATIONSHIPS AND LIFE. THIS IS SO META THAT IT RIPPED A HOLE IN REALITY JUST OUTSIDE THE ORBIT OF SATURN. THE INHABITANTS OF THE MOON TITAN ARE CURRENTLY HARNESSING IT FOR TO POWER THEIR WAR MACHINES.

WINNER – ENGLISH, WHEELCHAIR BOUND, DEGENERATIVE DISEASE, BLACK HOLES; IT’LL BE REDMAYNE
THOUGH I’D LIKE BRADLEY COOPER BECAUSE IF HE WINS THAT MEANS ROCKET RACCOON EDGES OUT DOCTOR STRANGE, BATMAN, AND GRU.
JUST SAY THAT OUTLOUD ONCE.

BEST PICTURE – OR CONVERSATIONS OVERHEARD RELATING TO THE NOMINEES…

“Whiplash” – “IT’S ABOUT MUSIC BUT UNFORTUNATELY THAT MUSIC IS JAZZ.”

“American Sniper” – “SORRY, PETER JACKSON, WE’RE PUTTING MOST OF OUR RESOURCES BEHIND ‘AMERICAN SNIPER’ FOR AN OSCAR NOM… NO, ‘THE HOBBIT BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES’ IS GREAT, IT’S JUST… WELL… IT’S NOT ‘RETURN OF THE KING’ AFTER ALL. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE SENDING GUILLERMO DEL TORO OVER TO KICK MY ASS?”

“The Theory of Everything” – “ENGLISH BIOPIC, CHECK. CRIPPLING PHYSICAL MALADY, CHECK. ART HOUSE DARLING, CHECK. NOMS FOR THE LEAD ACTORS, CHECK. NOM FOR DIRECTOR… OOPS.”

“The Imitation Game” – “ENGLISH BIOPIC, CHECK. CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALITY, CHECK. ART HOUSE DARLING, CHECK. NOMS FOR THE LEAD ACTORS, CHECK. NOM FOR DIRECTOR… CHECK. BY THE NUMBERS OSACAR BAIT CHECKLIST FILLED, HUZZAH!”

“Selma” – “OH, SHIT, THERE IS A CIVIL RIGHTS DRAMA/BIOPIC UP FOR NOMINATION? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO SCREENERS WERE SENT TO THE GUILDS? NO, I’M 72 YEARS OLD I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DOWNLOAD SHIT FROM THE INTERWEBS! IF WE DON’T NOM THIS IN EVERY CATEGORY WE’LL GET SLAMMED FOR LACK OF DIVERSITY! TOO LATE TO CHANGE THE NOMS? WHAT, IT WAS DIRECTED BY AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN!?!?!?!?!?!? SHIT, WE ARE SO FUCKED!”

“Boyhood” – OVERHEARD ON THE SET OF “DAZED AND CONFUSED”…
LINKLATER: I’M THINKING OF DOING THIS MOVIE THAT I SHOOT OVER TWELVE YEARS. WE WATCH A BOY GROW UP, I MEAN ACTUALLY GROW UP… NOT MAKE-UP AND SHIT. WHAT D’JA THINK?”
McCONAUGHEY: RIGHT AND I’M GONNA BE MY GENERATION’S GREATEST ACTOR! FUCK IT, GO FOR IT DUDE! NOW PASS THE BONG!

“The Grand Budapest Hotel” – “BEAUTIFUL, QUIRKY, A SINGULAR VISION, OF COURSE I GOT A ROLE FOR YOU BILL! OH, IT HAS ALL THE SAME THINGS ALL MY OTHER FILMS HAD AND THEY DIDN’T GET MORE THAN THE ODD NOMINATION, I DON’T THINK THIS ONE WILL DO ANY BETTER.”

“Birdman” – “MIKEY, BABY, SORRY FOR NOT RETURNING YOUR CALLS FOR THE LAST (CHECKS WATCH)… TWENTY YEARS. LOOK WARNER BROTHERS REALLY WANTS TO FAST-TRACK ‘BEETLEJUICE GOES HAWAIIAN’…

WINNER – “BOYHOOD” FOR THE SHEER TECHNICAL SCOPE UNDERTAKEN. NEXT MICHAEL BAY WILL ATTEMPT TO EXTEND HIS ATTENTION SPAN BY SHOOTING A FILM THAT HAS A CUT THAT LASTS LONGER THAN THREE SECONDS… THAT’S AS CLOSE AS HE’LL EVER GET.

THERE YOU HAVE IT PUNY HUMANS. I, THE MIGHTY ZORTRON, HAVE BROUGHT ENLIGHTENMENT TO YOUR TINY INSIGNIFIGANT EXISTENCE! THERE WERE A FEW GLARING OMISSIONS IN MY HUMBLE COSMIC LEVEL ENTITY OPINION –

DAVID OYELOWO FOR A NUANCED PORTRAYAL OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
THE LEGO MOVIE FOR BEST ANIMATED FILM, ESPECIALLY SINCE ONE OF THE NOMINEES CAME OUT IN 2013 BUT HEY, THIS IS KIDDY STUFF, RIGHT.
MY LITTLE PONY’S PINKY PIE FOR HER TOUCHING, BOLD, AND MOVING PERFORMANCE AS ANNE FRANK IN THE ALL ANIMATED ANIMAL VERSION OF “DIARY OF ANNE FRANK” THOUGH THAT MIGHT’VE BEEN ONE OF THOSE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
IF YOU ARE UPSET THAT YOUR FAVORITE CHOICE WAS NOT NOMINATED OR WHEN THE ENVELOPE OPENS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE DIDN’T WIN… DON’T GET TOO UPSET; I HAVE SCHEDULED YOUR PLANET TO BE DESTROYED ON YOUR FEBUARY 23RD ANYWAY. WHEN YOUR INSIGNIFICANT PLANET BOILS AWAY INTO OZONE AND SPACE DUST IT WON’T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE WHO GOT BEST SOUND EDITING!

YOUR DOOM IS NIGH!

I HAVE SPOKEN!

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