Welcome to a very special edition of Cultural Junkdrawer; our annual Oscar predictions. Now, sure you can get well thought out… educated… guesses based on trends, academy bias, data generated from past years, and whether or not Uncle Jasper’s bad hip is acting up (traditionally that means the clear favorite will win) but they are just that… Guesses.
With that in mind we here at the Cultural Junkdrawer headquarters decided to tap into something a bit above an educated guess. We’re going for the unfathomable guess! We’ve once again (some, like the Astounding Five: the first superhero family of Deerborn, my Great Uncle Marvin, and the World Defence Council, say foolishly) consulted the Cosmic entity known as Zortron Destroyer of Worlds to give us her Oscar picks! Sure we had to let her do backsies on the promise not to destroy Earth but in today’s cutthroat field of entertainment journalism any advantage needs to be used. If we didn’t you know Mario Lopez would’ve. It’s giant hundred foot tall purple armored dog eat dog out there.
So without further ado may I humbly present ZORTRON DESTROYER OF WORLDS!
BEHOLD, PUNY HUMANS! I,THE MIGHTY ZORTRON, DESTROYER OF WORLDS, HAVE CROSSED THE COSMOS BACK TO YOUR INSIGNIFICANT MUD BALL IN, QUITE FRANKLY, A PRETTY BORING GALAXY! I SHALL APPLY MY GODLIKE COSMIC AWARENESS TO THE LAUGHABLY TERMED “PREDICTIONS” OF YOUR PLANET’S MOST ANTICIPATED AWARD SHOW!
I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE THAT A SPECIES OF EVEN YOUR EMBARRASSING LEVEL OF PERCEPTION LACKS THE ABILITY TO PIERCE THE FOURTH DIMENSION. ONLY DIMLY AWARE OF TIME BEING NON-LINEAR YOU THINK THAT DICAPRIO WILL WIN BEST ACTOR FOR BODY OF WORK AND HIS WILLINGNESS TO GO TO PHYSICAL EXTREMES INCLUDING BEING NEARLY DROWNED, SURVIVING SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES, AND ALMOST BEING RAPED BY A BEAR. NOT THAT HE HAS ALREADY WON ON THAT BLOODY EPIC DAY AND THE INFORMATION IS ECHOING BACKWARDS THROUGH TIME.
SERIOUSLY, HOW YOU PUNY HUMANS AREN’T ALL CONSUMED BY FIVE DIMENSIONAL HYPER WORMS IS BEYOND ME!
SHEESH!
YOU TINY INSIGNIFICANT CREATURES ARE LIKE FOOLISH ANTS BEFORE THE MIGHTY ZORTRON! I HAVE PROVED AS MUCH BY BESTING YOUR CHAMPIONS IN SINGLE COMBAT THEN DRANK THEIR BLOOD!
BEHOLD, YOUR EX-CHAMPIONS!
THE GIANT GLASS MAN TASTED FRUITY AND REFRESHING BUT YOUR MAN OF THE WEST TASTED LIKE ASS!
IN FACT I DON’T BELIEVE YOUR PRIMITIVE BRAINS CAN HANDLE THIS FLUFF PIECE IN ALL CAPS AS IS THE STYLE OF THE FEARED DESTROYER OF WORLDS! THEREFORE I, MOVED BY PITY FOR YOU, SHALL USE LOWER CASE FOR THE REST OF THE COLUMN! EXCEPT WHERE GRAMMATICALLY APPROPRIATE! WOULDN’T WANT THAT LUMP OF GREASY PASTRAMI AND ELECTRO-CHEMICALS YOU CALL A “BRAIN” TO GET OVERLOADED NOW, WOULD WE?
I, ZORTRON, am a cosmic level entity and therefore aware of forces both imperceptible by that rusted can of cat food you call a brain or so vast as to induce madness if you were to gaze upon it. Know this; these are not Oscar “predictions” but known winners due to these near God-like and pretty damn cool abilities. Humans can barely fathom the scope of my power or the cosmic forces I can tap into. You view me as a giant purple chihuahua when in truth my coat is a luxurious mega hue of deep blue. Your brains would melt in sheer awe if you could gaze upon my true visage! Therefore I above all on your planet am most qualified to make your Oscar picks. I see the secret strings that are tied to fate and space currents and shit. It’s big, trust me. Look, I will even give you the reason for each win when I feel that you might be able to perceive, even tenuously, the cosmic connection.
First, though, I would like to address this “controversy” about the lack of diversity seemingly existing in these “Oscar” awards. In the eyes of the mighty ZORTRON all humans are puny insignificant creatures! I care not a whit what color your skin is because all will perish at the paws of the mighty ZORTRON! When your tiny pathetic planet boils away into ozone and dust and the screams of your burning race travel unheard through the infinite void of the cosmos the last thing you’ll be worrying about is that Stallone got an Oscar nom for Creed and not Michael B Jordan.
That being said Straight Outta Compton should’ve gotten more than just “Best Original Screenplay”.
If it’s any consolation in one of your alternate universes (the one where giant turtles are the apex predators, I know you’ve heard of it.) Kevin Hart wins best actor Oscar for Gandhi 2: The Spawning and then the entire ceremony is viciously attacked by a pack of giant black knobbed map turtles. The Kodak theater and a large part of Hollywood is utterly destroyed! Hart did not survive and due to the slow, methodical pace of the turtles’ attack the telecast ran over an extra seventy eight minutes.
The Barbara Walter interviews following the event are a bit of a downer too.
But as they say on Bracklezorg Prime; “Be grateful the Zapknok slurgel’s on your neighbor and not you.”
Of course you wouldn’t know that expression would you, people of Earth?
BEHOLD! I MAKE MY PREDICTIONS ON WHO WINS THIS INSIGNIFIGANT CONTEST!
BEST ACTOR
(Winner shall be determined by the actor’s ability to produce facial hair. Presented in percentages)
Eddie Redmayne (The Danish Girl) – 0%
Michael Fassbender (Steve Jobs) – Current cybernetic upgrades only allow for neatly trimmed 30% facial hair.
Bryan Cranston (Trumbo) – His future career of playing tortured artists depends on at least 50% facial hair production. Not enough though.
Matt Damon (The Martian) – 37.6% even disheveled it still looks fake.
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant) – His ability to produce the exact, character-perfect, amount of facial hair is a result of his alien ancestry (his grandparents were from Thadealus Gamma. Their alien super power was hair growth. Not every alien can fly, buddy). 100%
WINNER – DiCaprio. But this is known to all with cosmic awareness.
BEST ACTRESS
(Winner is determined by how many sides the Tenzil manifestation had at the time of their birth. The Tenzil manifestation is a hyper dimensional cross section of pure living information found on Galgabreath IV. Imagine your smartphone as fireworks on acid… Not you on acid… The fireworks. Anyway, the sides constantly change. That’s really all you can conceive)
Brie Larson (Room) – born October 1st – 27 sides.
Charlotte Rampling (45 Years) – Born February 5th – 563 sides
Cate Blanchett (Carol) – Born May 14th – -12 sides
Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn) – Born April 12 – 1.5 sides
Jennifer Lawrence (Joy) – Born August 15th – 3,472 sides
WINNER – It’s obvious by the number of sides produced by the Tenzil manifestation that Charlotte Rampling is the winner. Duh!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
(Winner is determined by what superhero(s) the actor has played)
Mark Ruffalo – (Spotlight) The Hulk.
Sylvester Stallone – (Creed) Rambo, Rocky, Judge Dredd, Joe Bomowski (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot)
Tom Hardy (The Revenant) – Mad Max, Bane.
Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies) – None.
Christian Bale – (The Big Short) Batman, John Connor, Moses, John Preston (Equilibrium).
WINNER – Bale edges out Stallone because he was Batman AND Moses while Stallone was the sucky Judge Dredd (even the brilliant ten thousand-fold thought condensed into matter that is Rob SchniEder could’ve saved that stinker). Stallone gets points for finally killing off Rocky but will it be enough? The mighty ZORTRON sees that Rocky gets the prize and a vaunted trivia question on Trivial Pursuit.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
(Winner is determined by whether or not nominee is actually a space princess hidden on Earth for her own protection with her memory wiped but guarded by a squad of genetically engineered ferret ninjas.)
Rachel McAdams (Spotlight) – No.
Jennifer Jason Leigh (Hateful 8) – Unt uh.
Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs) – She is all that except that her guardians are samurai goldfish so, nope.
Alicia Vikander (The Danish girl) – No.
Rooney Mara (Carol) – Let’s just hope the evil space guild doesn’t find her till Mr. Twinkles (the tough acting on the surface but sensitive underneath Ferret ninja voiced by Neil Patrick Harris) recovers from his injury.
BEST DIRECTOR
(Winner decided by how cool the director would look in a beret and one of those old time cheerleader megaphone with the word “Director” written across it.)
Adam McKay (The Big short) – Looks damn silly
Lenny Abrahamson (Room) – Nope. Would look like a jock who lost a bet with his teammates.
Tom McCarthy (Spotlight) – Meh, have another character based drama and grow a goatee.
George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road) – Depends if the beret were a dark color or SHINY CHROME!
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (The Revenant) – It’s like the image was made for him.
WINNER – A divergent point! If Gregg H. Tannenbaum of Halifax Nova Scotia decides to supersize his Burger King order you’re in the universe where Miller wins. If he just goes with the medium order it’s Inarritu!
I actually know which universe this is but you guys need to have some suspense come Oscar night!
BEST PICTURE
(Winner is decided by a secret cabal of racists that control a huge portion of the entertainment world. Of course their race is lizard men from the center of the earth and they mildly dislike you warm-bloods. So racist might be a little stretched.)
Room – A kidnap drama nobody saw. Starring actors that might show up in a superhero movie in the future.
Brooklyn – An Irish immigrant drama nobody saw. Starring Bill Weasley/General Hux.
The Big Short – An insightful and funny dramedy about the pillaging of the housing market in 2008 that nobody saw. Starring Batman, Tyler Durden, Gru, and the dude with the silver scorpion jacket.
Spotlight – A drama about the systematic corruption tied to the Catholic Church molestation scandal and the intrepid journalists who exposed it to the world… that nobody saw. Starring Batman, The Hulk, Sabertooth, and Doctor Manhattan.
Bridge of Spies – A Stephen Spielberg movie nobody saw. Starring Forrest Gump.
The Revenant – A nihilistic western about the unspoken love between a man and a black bear that not as many people saw as thought. Starring Gilbert Grape and Bane.
Mad Max: Fury Road – A action adventure that takes a look at what a future might look like if everyone took Ayn Rand seriously that should’ve been seen by more people. Starring Bane, Aeon Flux, Beast, and that creepy guy that lives up the street. You’re pretty sure he eats squirrels or is a sex offender or something.
The Martian – A dramedy about a human stuck on Mars that everybody saw. Starring Jason Bourne, The most recent invisible woman, A new Ghostbuster, Scott Lang’s buddy from Antman, Boromir, The Winter Soldier, and Baron Mordo.
WINNER
The Martian – Not because it was a critical and box office success. Not because it won at the Golden Globes. But because the secret Mars contingent that rules ⅓ of Earth’s entertainment wants Humans to think Mars is a barren wasteland. Incapable of supporting life or being a staging area for an upcoming alien invasion.
The mighty ZORTRON does feel the need to point out that all this is moot since I will be destroying your world sometime soon… I’ve penciled in March 12th but things pop up, ya know. So enjoy your puny winnings in your puny office pool while you drink white wine or whatever humans do while enjoying such petty trivialities. It ain’t gonna last, cupcake!
Oh, BTW being able to see the future means that next year, buckling under pressure of the diversity issue, “50 Shades of Black” will sweep. This is, of course, if I decide not to destroy your world thus dooming you to that far worse fate!
THE MIGHTY ZORTRON, DESTROYER OF WORLDS DROPPING THE MIC!
YOUR DOOM IS NIGH!
