Cultural Junkdrawer – The Year So Far

GameStop, Inc.

The year in Fanboy news so far (an 80% true recap)…

Greetings programs! I know that it’s been more than a month since the last Junkdrawer, but man, things have come so fast and furious I’ve felt that I’d be hopelessly behind the fast and furious internet news before I could drum out some snarky article about Star Wars Rebels or that stupid dress picture that your mom is obsessed with. Naturally, then, I decided to put myself completely behind by looking back at the year so far in geek news.

But I’m adding a layer of complexity to the recap; in the spirit of the twenty four hour/internet news cycle in general, and Fox news in particular, only roughly eighty percent of what I’m recapping is true. It’s your job as a Fanboy/girl/lizard-person Nation reader to figure out what is true, what is snark, and what is patently false (unless it somehow supports your belief system/agenda/political axe-grinding then you can claim it’s true and cite me in your manifesto). Here we go, kiddies…

JANUARY

1st – Everybody is too goddamn hung over to do shit. QUIT CHEWING SO LOUD!

7th – Marvel plugs the hole left by the Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. winter break with Marvel’s Agent Carter, an eight part mini-series focusing on Haley Atwell’s character from Captain America – The First Avenger in post WW2 America getting the “Alias” template down cold (wigs, kick fighting, and double agent stuff). She battles Black Widows, Dr Faustus rockin one of the Mandarin’s rings, and good ‘ole fashion sexism. Plus Jarvis! The show is fun, energetic, and full of surprises. Basically the opposite of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (I kid…I kid!)

11th – The rumor that Batman V. Superman might be splitting into two movies is floated out into the internets. This rumor has credence because there is no conceivable way that movie is going to get all twenty seven to thirty four DC characters listed in just one film.
Zack Snyder mentions on his twitter feed – “Got Gil Shaham to play “The Fiddler” in #BvS. Man that name sounds a lot like Shazam, bro! #Crazy #bonghit”

12th – Roughly one million new podcast episodes are posted in reaction to the rumor. Freddy T. Zuckermoore, on his Getting Real with Superheroes podcast, has a heart attack while talking about it. It is uncertain if it was a positive or negative reaction to the rumor. We’re pretty sure it wasn’t about the Fiddler being in Batman V. Superman.

15th – Oscar Nominations are announced containing no less than nine super hero movie related actors in major acting categories, and that doesn’t even count Groot’s nomination for best greenery on Grand Budapest Hotel. Ninety five percent of the internet, and every six year old, goes into a fit of rage over The Lego Movie getting snubbed. Some of the six year olds might have been upset over eggplant for dinner, though.
Marvel takes over Star Wars comics to a number exceeding one million copies for issue #1. Hindsight proves 20/20 again because the first issue takes place just after the Battle of Yavin but has AT-ATs and Mon Calamari. Dark Horse Comics kicks at a rock, mumbles something about Rogue Squadron and keeps trying to make Prometheuswork in the Alien/Predator universe.

19th – Billy Dee Williams takes a break from sipping a nice cold Colt 45, and continuously checking his inbox for a Star Wars VII – The Force Awakens call sheet to be Lando on Star Wars Rebels.

24th – Adult Video News, the Oscars of porn, has their awards show. Winners include (among others) Movie of the Year – 24XXX: An Axel Braun Parody, Best Continuing Series – Oil Overload 6, and Cleverest Title of the Year – 12 Inches a Slave. For a full list of the winners (to double check your office pool) go here – http://avnawards.avn.com/pages/5 (believe it or not it’s safe for work… or is that one of the lies?) and if you have any doubt that I’m lying here I am with Bonny Rotten…

bonny

I’m glad she dressed for the cold weather.

28th – A reboot of Indiana Jones is announced with Chris Pratt named to wear the fedora. Twitter, Facebook, and other social media choose this story to trend over Georgia executing a mentally disabled man.

29th – 999,999 podcast episodes posted about this subject… R.I.P. Freddy T. Zuckermoore.

FEBURARY

4th – FCC Charmian, human/dingo hybrid, and former Comcast lackey realizes that his evil overlords won’t protect him from a four million person lynching and proposes to re-classify the internet as a utility.

5th – The Walking Dead comes back to viewers equaling half of the population of the United States. Network television starts thinking that there might be something to this Zombie thing; CBS announces C.S.I. Monroeville starring John Stamos.

9th – Sony’s Spiderman joins the MCU, kinda. Marvel Studios head Kevin Feige and Sony studios head Michael Lynton are spotted mooning Fox studios out of the side of a ’78 Pontiac. Andrew Garfield considers a role on C.S.I. Monroeville. Chris Pratt is rumored to play J.J. Jameson or Dr. Curt Connors!

10th – The podcast store breaks in half when geek-centric podcasts speculating how and when Spiderman will show up in the MCU crosses a million. This trends on social networks instead of a NATO drone strike killing eight people, three goats, and human oversight in Afghanistan.
Firestorm officially joins the DCTVU via The Flash. There has to be a better way to put it than DCTVU. That sounds like a new type of power steering.

16th – Gotham shoots it’s load by doing a Joker origin story.
No, wait!
Tag scene shows a young Arnold Wesker making a hand puppet after “accidentally” killing his wife on their honeymoon.

17th – Grodd! Chris Pratt is rumored to be doing the voice.
20th – Jason Momoa cosplaying as John Travolta in Battlefield Earth is passed off as Aquaman. Internet loses its shit!

Aquaman-Jason-Momoa-1

Seriously, this is a photoshopped Game of Thrones pic right?

Vlad “Mr. Chuckles” Putin, in a desperate bid to lock down the Bond villain role in the upcoming Spectre, says some inflammatory shit again!

22nd – THE OSCARS! A man in a wheelchair (not Charles Xavier) beats Batman, Rocket Raccoon, Doctor Strange, and Groot. Also J. Jonah Jameson defeats two Hulks for best supporting actor. I piggyback on Sean Mulvihill’s live tweet and we make it a snarkfest. I almost lose Sean as a friend by suggesting John Legend covers Roxy Music.

23rd – Power Rangers got the “dark and gritty” remake it didn’t know it needed. Brought to you by Dawson and Starbuck no less. The 14 minute movie features PTSD, heads exploding, and group sex, which illustrates the influence on millennials of Call of Duty and Tinder.

Hey, the evil snake chick is still HOT!

Next up is a “dark and gritty” re-imagining of Pokemon. which will have a “blackfish” style doc on the horrific living conditions of the animals in those balls, Ash’s crippling cough syrup addiction, and the incestuous relationship of Team Rocket.

26th – Proof of alternate universes exist with the world’s first photograph (taken by Chris Pratt) of a dress in quantum flux.

Blue/Black – the cat is alive, White/Gold the cat is dead.

Blue/Black – the cat is alive, White/Gold the cat is dead.

As a way to celebrate the net neutrality win and the internet officially being classified as a utility, people endlessly bicker over the stupid dress.
Also on the net neutrality front: Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts and FCC chairman Tom Wheeler are trapped in the Isengard tower surrounded by angry Ents.

27th – Leonard Nimoy dies. Wife regrets giving him that red shirt for Christmas. (I hope they buried him in his white and gold uniform – The Editor)

28th – The world suffers another great loss as my brother in law’s suckerfish, Big Fish, dies. He is survived by a little treasure chest that opens every twenty seconds and spits out bubbles. You were my dog, Big Fish (pours out some malt liquor that Billy Dee Williams gave me)!

MARCH

1st – Leonard Nimoy’s funeral is held for family, friends, and fans. A touching eulogy is given. Tasteful, heartfelt and classy.
Kirk finally faces his Kobiashi Maru; a commitment to a charity function in Florida conflicted with the funeral. Millions of fans with a misplaced sense of entitlement and ownership get angry because he didn’t show up to the funeral.
The Westboro Baptist church, announcing plans to picket Nimoy’s funeral with their hate fueled speech, can’t find where the funeral was being held. An attempt to ask a gas station attendant for directions were scuttled because “he looked like a fag” according to a church spokesperson.

3rd – SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Asoka is revealed to be Fulcrum in Star Wars Rebels. So when the expanded universe was declared “not canon”, Disney actually meant “…except for the stuff we want to keep.” Welcome back Asoka! Chris Pratt also does the voice of Storm Trooper # 4.

4th – Marvel Studios releases Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer #3, breaks record set by previous Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer. You have to explain to non-geek friends that that is NOT Wolverine at the 1:07 mark.

Is that the bridge from The Blues Brothers at the: 57 mark?

5th – Harrison Ford crashes a plane he was piloting. Its suspected co-pilot was to blame. Chewbacca claims he hasn’t talked to Ford since the whole Princess Leia thing so the fault obviously lies with Nien Nunb.

nien_nunb

Don’t tell me this cat ain’t using schedule 2 substances!

9th – The Walking Dead spin-off gets two seasons already. AMC announces plans for a “Shared Universe” of its shows with Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, and The Walking Dead all crossing over with each other. Look for a zombie resembling Heisenberg, Jesse Pinkman selling meth to Merle, and Don Draper stopping the zombie outbreak forty years previous (nobody cares about Hell on Wheels, I was just kidding there).

James Gunn, in an obvious drug addled state, tweeted from his hospital room that Marvel Studios isn’t presenting at SDCC this year. Lines for Hall H will drop from forty six hours to forty five and a half hours. Though Chris Pratt will be announcing he has been cast as Marty McFly, Doc Brown, and Biff Tannen in the upcoming Back to the Future reboot.
Valiant Comics announces a joint venture with Chinese company DMG to bring their properties and “Shared Universe” to everything from comic books to theme parks, to ramen noodles. Expect to see Bloodshot and XO-Man of War to start mentioning that the great esteemed leaders of the Chinese government are benevolent and should be considered above reproach. The “Armstrong Beer Bong Puke-‘O-Rama” ride is already in the design stages. So is the Harbinger line of feminine hygiene products.
Sony announces an all-male cast Ghostbusters starring Chris Pratt and Channing Tatum… because girls have cooties and no self-respecting man would see an all-girl cast. A gender war seems inevitable. Seriously, rumors of a “Shared Universe” and “marketing opportunities” abound. Expect to see a revival of this…

But I just bought an unopened one on E-Bay for $150!

But I just bought an unopened one on E-Bay for $150!

10th – Netflix releases official trailer for Daredevil. April 10th will be the most unproductive day in the geek world.

Wait, this isn’t Law and Order: blind superhero division?

Tron 3 is announced. It will be subtitled “Respawn” and will have a shared universe with the rebooted The Black Hole (starring Chris Pratt as Charlie Pizer and voicing V.I.N.C.E.N.T.), Frozen and The Hall of Presidents movie (starring Chris Pratt as Grover Cleveland)
Zoolander 2 is announced. I’m stuck trying to recall a time that I liked Ben Stiller. Chris Pratt will NOT be appearing in the movie.
Sony PlayStation debuts Powers today. I still can’t pronounce Sharlto Copley correctly.

So what have we learned from this re-cap?
1 – Chris Pratt is striking the shit outta that hot iron!
2 – Bonny Rotten is HOT!
3 – “Shared universe” should join “Melty”, “synergy”, and “Pimpmobile” in the banned buzzwords starting tomorrow!
4 – Comcast is somewhere out there, watching… waiting…
5 – Westboro Baptist church are still ass-holes.
6 – Vincent D’Onofrio was BORN to play Kingpin!
7 – John Legend would F’n KILL a cover of “More Than This”!

Anytime Costumes

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