The Last Six Months in Review:
This may come as a surprise to you but stuff happens. Not just stuff to you, but stuff to other people and other places. There is a lot to take in; that’s why I do these review columns, to try to record big going on’s in the world: who died, who didn’t, who did what to whom, whether or not whom liked it and/or filed court papers. It’s understandable (if not somewhat disappointing) that you can’t keep track of it all. Hell, I can’t keep track of it all; that’s why a certain percentage of what I put in here is straight-up lies. This is not due to any malice of mine, it’s just that sometimes it’s better to laugh than the obvious internal sob and fear of the downward spiral our civilization is caught in.
So let’s begin, shall we?
DECEMBER
Dec. 28th – “If Lemmy and God got in a wrestling match who would win?”
“I don’t know… Lemmy.”
“Trick question; Lemmy is God!”
From the movie Airheads
Lemmy finally ditches his meatsuit and returns to his eternal form of pure light and rock and roll!
JANUARY
Jan. 3rd:
Cliven Bundy and his militia do an armed insurrectionists seizure of a federal building to protest convicted arsonists Dwight and Steven Hammond being sent to prison.
The militia send out a call on social media for snacks and supplies to be MAILED to them (good anti-gov thinking there).
The Hammonds, known not only for arson but for consistently violating child labor laws and rancorous anti-government tirades, release a statement saying that these yahoos don’t speak for them.
The hashtag #yallqaeda trends on twitter, as does #BundyEroticFanFic.
Jan. 4th:
That’s a wrap on legendary director of photography Vilmos Zsigmond!
Jan. 5th:
Flint, Michigan was declared to be in a federal state of emergency due to water contamination. The ingredient that makes up 98% of our body is brownish-grey and responsible for lead contamination, linked to an uptick of Legionnaires Disease and responsible for many deaths.
Donald Trump announces his plans to bottle the Flint water and sell it for $5 a pop under the label “Trump: The Water”. When asked about the lethal contaminants, Trump responds “This water is perfectly fine! I’ve never lied about anything, ever!”’
Jan. 6th:
Star Wars: The Force Awakens overtakes Avatar as the #1 Box Office champ (in the US). Every BO record has now been broken by this movie. When told most people respond “Avatar? Oh yeah, I think I remember that movie. Some dude banged a blue chick. Seriously that was the biggest moneymaker ever?”
Jan. 9th:
Horror movie icon Angus Scrimm (Phantasm) joins Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff in what is bound to be the strangest patch of afterlife.
Jan. 10th:
David Bowie joins the ultimate supergroup in the afterlife. Here’s hoping he’s working on something brilliant with Lemmy, Warren Zevon and Jimmi Hendrix that we’ll hear upon shuffling this mortal coil.
Jan. 14th:
Cinematic sneerer, and go-to-actor for intelligent bad guys, Alan Rickman dies. Most fondly recall his iconic role as Snape in Harry Potter but he’ll always be Hans Gruber in my heart.
A mother by the name of Grace Randolph starts a petition on change.org for a PG-13 edit of Deadpool.; more people on Reddit are outraged by this then the police execution of Tamir Rice.
Academy Awards are announced at too damn early in the morning. There is outrage because there are no black actors nominated. We all know Kevin Hart deserved a nom for The Wedding Ringer, but the academy is filled with stuffy old white guys. Many call racism, and Kanye West may have said something on his twitter, but that wouldn’t really be about anybody but Kanye.
Jan. 17th:
Drummer for Mott the Hoople, Dale Griffin, gets a call from his All the Young Dudes producer to play skins on a crazy multi-plane of existence tour he’s putting together.
Jan. 18th:
Glenn Frey apparently did check out and leave. That supergroup with Bowie, Lemmy, and now Griffin adds the song “The Heat is On” from Beverly Hills Cop to the set list.
In what is becoming a long list of famous people deaths, the guy from Cameo who wears the codpiece died while he was standing under a grain silo and 12 tons of freshly chaffed wheat crushed him. He was 69.
Jan.23rd:
The 33rd annual AVN awards, or “Oscars of porn” is held. The in-joke of them being 87% less racist than Academy Awards holds true as Flash Brown wins awards for best Girl/Boy scene and best Girl/Girl/Boy scene and Blacked wins for best new imprint. Fellow performer and black person Prince Yahshua claims racism because he didn’t win any awards.
Inexplicably, the mainstream press gives Prince Yahshua more attention than any of the actual African-American winners. Even more saddening is that the mainstream press falls back on stale porn jokes and derision.
Kanye West also tweets his outrage that Kanye didn’t get an AVN despite the fact that he’s never performed in adult movies (Watching yourself in the mirror and blowing kisses doesn’t count, Yeezus).
Most common response from porn watchers is “There are guys in porn?”
Jan. 26th:
Abe Vigoda, who played the character of Fish in Barney Miller dies; he was 94. This is surprising in that Abe looked 94 when he was in Barney Miller over thirty years ago.
FEBRUARY
Feb 13th:
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia dies. Conservative Congress breaks previous record (5 minutes) in suggesting unconstitutional solution to sudden SCOTUS opening in blatant attempt to consolidate power.
Hell, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is forced to petition all women in afterlife for permission to go to the bathroom. Women of the afterlife are unconvinced Scalia knows what’s best for his own body.
Feb 10th:
Cliven Bundy was arrested in Portland, Oregon. The militia leader was caught while writing a bad check at a 7-Eleven. He was buying Mountain Dew and Cheetos for the Malheur occupation.
Feb 15th:
Deadpool breaks all Valentine’s/President’s’ Day weekend opening records with a $150 million 4-day opening (over a quarter of a billion worldwide). Previous record holder, 50 Shades of Grey producers announce changes in the sequel expected later this year; Christian Grey will become a scarred superhero with a healing factor and a sassy attitude.
Former Prince protegé turned born again christian Vanity joins the choir eternal. She decides not to join Bowie’s all star afterlife tour because there was a lot of fornication going on.
Feb 17th:
Bundy and his sons Ammon and Ryan, the Montana militia leader Ryan Payne, and the Ohio-based independent broadcaster Peter Santilli were all indicted for a total of 16 federal felonies including:
- Conspiracy to commit an offense against the United States.
- Conspiracy to impede and injure a federal law enforcement officer.
- Assault on a federal law enforcement officer.
- Generally being shitty human beings.
Feb. 28th: Surprising nobody, Leonardo Dicaprio wins best actor at the Academy Awards. The leading man celebrates by enjoying The Governor’s Ball and having sex with any woman he chooses.
MARCH
Mar 1st: Humanity’s inexorable march toward armageddon picked up speed as Trump sweeps Super Tuesday. The GOP frontrunner is seen making a “Face tight” gesture to Ted Cruz who bursts into tears. Chris Christie seems to support Trump in exchange for multiple trips to the Trump Casino salad bar on “All-you-can-eat-shrimp” night.
Mar. 4th:
Noted brain surgeon, GOP candidate and nut job Ben Carson officially drops out of the presidential race.Critics agree that his particular brand of crazy doesn’t jibe with the accepted type of crazy prevalent in the GOP. When asked about his decision Mr. Carson enigmatically replied “The Fish”.
Kanye West claims on twitter that he’s crazier than Ben Carson.
Mar. 6th:
Former first lady and hellish ghoul Nancy Reagan died; she refused tickets to Bowie’s afterlife tour because “he always attracted the wrong element”.
Mar. 15th:
Marco Rubio suspends his bid for the GOP nom when he can’t even rally the meth heads, white trash, and giant alligator vote of his home state of Florida in the Primaries. Trump reportedly gives Rubio a wedgie shortly after his announcement.
The Justice Department wants to have Apple unlock the San Bernardino killer’s iPhone. Apple refuses, but Melvin Ackerman of the Apple Store Genius Bar suggests that the Justice Department just do a restore of the phone. This is, by the way, any Genius Bar solution to any problem with an iPhone.
Mar. 17th:
Finn Jones is cast in Iron Fist as the titular character in the upcoming Marvel Netflix series. When there is an outcry over the “whitewashing” of a Kung-Fu character, it is pointed out that Danny Rand has always been white and the assumption that the character is Asian because he knows Kung-Fu is racist in itself.
Mar. 18th:
Season Two of Daredevil debuts on Netflix. I didn’t really have to remind you of this, did I?
Mar. 20th:
The long-awaited/dreaded Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, The Spawning, The Fish hits theatres with the best March opening and the best Easter weekend opening ever. All but the most virulent haters begrudgingly admit Ben Affleck is pretty cool as a cynical aging Batman. Wonder Woman owns her shit. Jesse Eisenberg’s interpretation of Lex Luthor as a coke head Elon Musk is the wrong choice. The movie is perceived as a failure because of it’s lackluster $166 million opening.
Mar. 23rd:
In a desperate attempt to distract the people of North Carolina from the fact that they live in North Carolina, lawmakers get concerned about transgendered people going number two in the wrong place. Most of the South delays rising again in favor of finding a hitherto unacknowledged sub-group to be prejudiced against.
Mar. 24th:
Fake talk show host, Marvel universe Senator and Hydra lackey Garry Shandling dies. Gary is reported to be “somewhat perturbed” by his death, but just shrugs and accepts it.
APRIL
Apr. 3rd:
Erik Bauersfeld; utterer of the famous line “It’s a trap” as Admiral Ackbar passes. He’s next seen saying his classic line on stage with Bowie as the afterlife tour passes through “The Force” leg of the tour.
Apr. 11th:
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story trailer debuts. Kung-Fu on Stormtroopers, bad guys dressed all in white, and AT-ATs on a beach highlight two minutes of movie nirvana. The overwhelming fan opinion is that this spin-off looks darker in tone which makes it cool.
A small percentage of white males get upset that there is someone other than themselves represented in the movie, but fuck ‘em.
Apr. 12th:
Debut of Doctor Strange trailer. “Marvel might have their first failure” say naysayers who apparently haven’t been paying attention. Female fans of the intense actor, self labeled “Cumberbitches” spend a lot of time locked in their bathrooms with iPads.
After breaking records for streaming, hype, and piracy, Kanye West’s “Life of Pablo” debuts at #1 on the Billboard Record charts. This is his seventh consecutive number one.
Kanye is surprisingly mute on the subject.
Oh who am I kidding, it’s Kanye love fest for Kanye.
Apr.19th:
Les Waas; the man who deeply affected us all by composing the Mister Softee Ice Cream Truck Song passes. David Bowie’s afterlife tour welcomes Les with Hendrix doing a twenty minute guitar cover of the legendary jingle.
Apr. 21st:
WWF star Chyna is found dead in her home. She is probably best known for playing She-Hulk in Axel Braun’s Avengers porn parodies…Seriously.
Apr. 27th:
His royal purple badness Prince is found dead. The afterlife supergroup adds a new act to the line up. Bowie announces tour dates added to include Valhalla, Nirvana, and Elvis’ personal afterlife, Graceworld.
Apr. 28th:
Ben Carson debuts his one man show off Broadway. The former GOP contender utters non-sequiturs like “Jumbo squid used to sell encyclopedias to my aunt.” while slapping himself in the head with a raw steak. Critics rave!
MAY
May 3rd:
Trump is the presumptive Republican candidate for president after the drop out of “Smug tool” Ted Cruz and “Low rent Trump if that’s possible” John Kasich. The inner circle of the Republican Party reportedly have opened a lawsuit against our dark lord Satan for breach of contract. The Koch brothers were so distraught they reported missed their scheduled sacrifice of twenty innocent children to Mammon.
May 6th:
Captain America: Civil War debuts in US theaters to the tune of $179 million for the weekend. Good buzz, good will and a good story all contribute but most of the credit is given to the brief cameo of Community’s Dean Pelton – Jim Rash.
May 10th:
Presumptive GOP candidate Donald Trump staggers out of a Cleveland back alley soaked in blood, a heroin spike hanging out of his arm, and dragging the upper torso of a dead hooker behind him. His GOP voter approval ratings soar.
May 14th:
Comic book legend Darwyn Cooke decides he’s gotta check out Bowie’s afterlife tour.
May 19th:
Beastie Boy John Berry starts doing some mad beats for Bowie.
May 21st:
Megadeath drummer Nick Menza joins the Afterlife tour. Christ, this is too much.
May 22nd: While in prison, The Sons of Islam have a pointed conversation with Cliven Bundy about his “The Negro were better off as slaves” comments from 2014.
May 25th:
Captain America is an agent of HYDRA and always has been? Steve Rogers: Captain America #1 implies that Cap has always been a Hydra agent. Bad marketing choice? Deviously timed to take the wind out of DC’s rebirth event? The first part of a yet unrevealed story based in universe 617? More people are upset about this than The Panama Papers, weekly mass shootings and human rights violations across the world combined! The writer, Nick Spencer, has received death threats. People are harassing Brian Michael Bendis who, by the way, hasn’t written Captain America in five years!
Most sane normal people recall that Cap was actually killed several years ago, Superman died back in the 90’s, Batman had his back broken, the entire Marvel multiverse was recently wiped out and any other number of changes to the status quo of a comic character and/or universe make this betrayal by Captain America dubious at best.
Still it’s kinda a dick move.
May 27th:
X-Men Apocalypse opens with a paltry $65.5 million nationwide. Despite opening with something equal to the GNP of Ecuador, it’s perceived as a underperformer. FOX scales back their future slate of X-Men films to 25 or 27 more, depending on if they can squeeze Deadpool into them.
May 28th:
The Travel Channel announces a new show, Ben Carson’s Haunted Vacations starring former GOP candidate Ben Carson checking out the best dining and local hot-spots all while hunting for ghosts.
JUNE
Jun. 2nd:
“Actress” and former Marilyn Manson paramour Rose McGowan takes Fox to task over its X-Men Apocalypse billboard which shows “casual violence” towards women. Her suggestions include taking the boards down, apologizing and/or changing it, and “Stick Cyclops up there, he’s usually a weenie so that’d be okay.” While getting considerably less media attention the league against the deformation of blue people also protested the billboard for promoting “blue on blue” violence.
People who saw Monkeybone, Planet Terror and Charmed Seasons 4-8 are still awaiting an apology from Rose mcGowan.
Jun. 3rd:
TMNT: Out of the Shadows debuts with about half the numbers that the first movie opened with. Is there a superhero burnout the likes that Spielberg predicted a year ago bringing troll hate and death threats? I’d speculate, but I don’t feel like getting my own death threats…especially from the likes of people who would go to see TMNT: Out of the Shadows willingly.
Rumors flurry around scheduled reshoots and pick ups for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story; Dawn of the Rebellion, The Spawning, The Fish! including that over 40% of the film is being reshot (false), Christopher McQuarrie had re-written the script (false), Disney wants a more family friendly film instead of the “Dirty Dozen in space” approach (false) and that Disney has succumbed to the deafening fan outcry over not including Jar Jar Binks (I can barely get that one out with a straight face). Surprisingly Disney and Director Gareth Edwards said nothing about the twitter movement #giveDarthVaderaboyfriend that I made up just now. Could it be?????
Jun. 7th:
Fox apologizes for the X-Men billboards. “In our enthusiasm to get across the idea that a fictional story would have conflict due to the fact that stories are built around conflict and showing such conflict in an advertisement for the story we forgot that such an image is disturbing to people that are using such an ad to draw attention to a stalled career. Consider, instead, taking action to help real female victims of real violence, like a psa or a fundraiser for women’s shelters instead of complaining about fictional characters clashing in a work of fiction. Sorry to have offended you, Rose, we’re still not greenlighting your directing project.”
Fox didn’t really say this. But they should have.
Jun. 8th:
Former GOP candidate Ben Carson uncovers a nest of vampires while shooting his Travel Channel show. He dispatched them in a Blade-like orgy of violence that would make Wesley Snipes proud.
Jun.9th:
Lego Dimensions releases a trailer in advance of E3 touting “Year two” a stunning lineup of licensed properties are hinted at including: Harry Potter, Adventure Time, Mission Impossible, The A-Team, Gremlins, Beetlejuice, Ben Carson’s Haunted Getaways, E.T., the new Ghostbusters movie, Jim Cramer’s Mad Money, The Revenant, Teen Titans Go!, Knight Rider, Guy Fieri v Rachael Ray: Death Arena, Fantastic Beasts (like The Fish) and Where to Find Them: Dawn of the Spin-off (something unintelligible), Nightmare on Elm Street, Bob Guccione’s Caligula, Sonic the Hedgehog, The Seventh Seal, The Wedding Ringer and Die Hard.
Jun. 12th:
Sadly, David Bowie gives out fifty VIP tickets to the Afterlife tour.
Jun. 15th:
Donald Trump claims that he’s done more for LGBT rights than anyone, just “ask the gays!” The response from the gay community is as hilarious as one would hope. #askthegays
Well that’s about it. I’d go into more detail for the last few days, especially about Ben Carson going back in time and teaming up with golden age Ben Carson to stop the plans of Doctor Nefario but that might be wildly libelous. Let’s hope the next six months have a more sane tone to them. But that’s not even remotely possible is it?
Good luck out there.
