June 19:
Finding Dory slaughters Box office records with a $136 million opening. The Pixar sequel grabbed a folding chair and cheap shot the Rock/Kevin Hart comedy Central intelligence when the ref wasn’t looking. Dory was so successful it metaphorically kicked last week’s number one The Conjuring 2 repeatedly in the stomach so hard it vomited blood. To further illustrate how successful the computer animated movie was compared to the competition it could be said Finding Dory dragged Now You See Me 2 out into a parking lot by it’s hair, tossed it in a dumpster then set the whole thing on fire. Warcraft’s performance is so pathetic that all the popular kiddie film had to do was laugh while pissing on it’s smouldering corpse, and then bang it’s girlfriend.
June 23:
Fear and bigotry leads to England voting to leave the EU. Some claim it’s about the economy… Their economy goes into freefall.
June 24:
Trump lands in Scotland and immediately puts his twitter foot in his mouth saying how excited Scotland is to leave the EU (Scotland voted to stay). Scotland’s colorful responses included “Witless fucking Cocksplat”, “Incompressible jizztrumpet” and my personal favorite “Tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon!”
June 25:
Finding Dory owns it’s second week! Finding Dory in week #2 savagely kicks the ever loving shit out of Independence Day: Resurgence; in front of it’s friends no less. Dory – $75 million, Resurgence-$41 million. The forgetful Tang also mercilessly curb stomps Matthew McConaughey in the underperformer Free State of Jones. The popular children’s film then proceeded to gouge out the eyes of The Shallows and skull fuck it to death. Finally, the adorable talking fish movie balefully watched The Neon Demon outside an italian restaurant wearing a pig mask then, shortly after, ran it off the road and beat it to death with a baseball bat…
Jeff Goldblum announces he hopes to voice a sea urchin with a irritating speech pattern for Finding 3.
June 28th:
Surprising only in the amount of time it took to backtrack, Steve Rogers: Captain America issue #2 reveals that Cap only THINKS he’s a Hydra Agent. Apparently his memories have been screwed with by “Kobik, the sentient Cosmic Cube who became a girl.” Which sounds like one of those terrible customized kids books you get from Groupon.
Anyway if this was meant to be more than a publicity stunt we’ll never know. Now if we could just send death threats to people who deserve it, like Brock Turner (boy, doesn’t that piece of privileged raccoon shit have a low level supervillain henchman name. Like someone Spiderman beats the crap out of to get to Doc Ock.)
June 29th:
“But I don’t have a problem filling viagra prescriptions.” The supreme court refuses to hear an appeal from Washington State pharmacists that felt doing their job selectively due to “religious beliefs” was the moral thing to do. In other words guys (and I’m pretty sure they’re guys);you can’t just wait on people that think like you.
June 30th:
In what will go down in Bull history as “The day we strike back!”; A Matador was fatally gored in a bullfight AND the running of the bulls resulted in two gorings and three injuries.
July 1st:
What does it say when the government organization with tanks, machine guns, and rocket launchers is more progressive than a state inclined towards squirrel huntin’ and bathtub gin? The US military lifts ban on Transgendered serving in military while North Carolina doubles down by setting aside half a million to defend anti-trans bathroom panic buillshit.
I think of a quote from Die Hard: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho!”
This explains a lot… and has historical irony to boot; EPA tests have found high amounts of lead, up to three times the safe amount in Capitol Hill drinking water.
July 2nd:
North Korea takes umbrage with US/South Korea deployment of THADD missile launchers, threatens physical response. Turns out Kim Jung Un is just got Pokemon Go! a few
days early…
Un claims to have a highly evolved Squirtle ready to respond, but the State Department thinks their Charizard can “Take it down without breaking a sweat”.
July 4th:
Parades, burgers, beer, fireworks, etc.
Finding Dory maims The Legend of Tarzan in a third week Box office triumph similar to a herd of stampeding wildebeest. The adorable animated film crushed the new take on the Burrows character repeatedly under its stampeding box office earning hooves till the lord of the apes was nothing but a red smear in the african mud. The forgetful fish movie also put on a LED statue of liberty mask, cocked its AK-47, drew its laser sharpened K-Bar knife and chased The Purge:Election Year into a grimy alley, disemboweled it, and… then bathed in its blood. The popular kiddie film went on to tie The BFG to a barber’s chair with duct tape and zip ties then slowly and methodically removed extraneous body parts with a dull saw purchased at the $.99 store with money it stole from “Independence Day: Who the Fuck Cares”.
July 6th:
The augmented reality phone game Pokemon Go! is released resulting in tripping injuries, head konks, twisted ankles, armed robbery, a dead body and someone actually having fun at the First Baptist Church of the Redeemer’s Annual Holiday Potluck.
July 7th:
A sniper in Dallas kills five police officers working a peaceful protest against police violence as retribution for police shootings of innocents in Minnesota and Louisiana in a sick logic that doesn’t work for anyone but this sick fuck.
July 9th:
The Secret life of Pets unseats Finding Dory with a record breaking opening weekend, and just in time because I was running out of warped shit to say about “Dory’s: BO dominance. Well, one more; Finding Dory, the current Box Office champion of 2016, was last seen at third place making for the Mexican border in a hot wired Cadillac Eldorado filled with tequila, a suitcase stuffed with blood stained hundred dollar bills and a hot bored dentist’s wife the Pixar film seduced while hiding out and nursing a gunshot wound in El Paso. The Dentist, and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, were both found toothless and bleeding out in his basement which was full of old copies of Screw Magazine, porcelain dolls, and snuff films on VHS. He is currently in critical condition. Finding Dory, the third highest grossing animated release of all time, is considered armed and dangerous, do not engage!
July 14th:
Michael Pence is leaked as Trump’s running mate. This only makes sense in the context of trying to make The Donald look good by comparison. The Indiana Governor with the historically lowest approval rating is also staunchly opposed to pro-choice, gay marriage, Medicare, and admitting that cigarettes kill. Trump seems to back pedal behind the scenes but can’t get rid of the guy so now it’s gonna be awkward for the next five months; more as this develops.
July 15th:
Ghostbusters comes out amid irrational hate, an IMDB negative rating ballot stuffing investigation and Sony Chief Tom Rothman responding to the negative online respond by telling The Hollywood Reporter, “It’s the greatest thing that ever happened. Are you kidding me? We’re in the national debate, thank you. Can we please get some more haters to say stupid things?” Damn, that’s great spin, Tom!
The movie is, by the way, funny, action packed, has great chemistry between the leads and simply delivers a fun time at the movies. The movie deserves success primarily because it’s great on so many levels. Too bad there are so many… ya’know… girls in it. Girls have cooties. As an alternative option you could go see “Independance Day: Jeff Goldblum is number one on the call sheet… seriously”.
Trump/Pence debuts the campaign logo…
It takes exactly 26.4 seconds to pay dividends…
I’ll just put this one up check your twitter feed for more.
July 17th:
Pokemon Go! gets first relationship break-up! Some “baller” in New York decided to hunt Pokemon instead of paying attention to his phone’s location tracking… which is integral to the game. A captured pokemon placed him at the apartment of his ex-girlfriend and when his social media revealed the location of his monster capture the jig was up.
Considering how Pokemon Go! blew up in this guy’s face the argument against self surveillance loses a foot of ground but no cultural node can be left unexploited…
In what is, no doubt, ahead of the curve on thought pieces/editorials about how Pokemon Go! will destroy the fabric of our civilization I stumbled across this raving, hysterical, paranoid, condescending piece from Natural news http://www.naturalnews.com/054687_Pokemon_Go_Pied_Piper_zombie_apocalypse.html
Essentially jumping on every far left panic buzzword it can muster, I’m surprised that the author can get phone reception while wearing his tinfoil hat. The article goes on to outline a scenario that mixes plot elements of The Matrix, Enemy of the State, and 1984 all through Grant Morrison at his most meta. Someone from Bad Robot needs to option this article ASAP!
July 18th:
Secret Lives of Pets beats out Ghostbusters in the Box Office duke out. This is the fifth week in an unprecedented animation domination of the #1 spot and Ice Age 5 is coming next week.
The inmates have seized the asylum! Republican National Convention takes three hours to degenerate into a cruel parody of itself. Anti-Trump delegates get escorted out, Steve King (Iowa) says to an MSNBC Reporter “White people have contributed more to building this civilization than any other sub-group”, Gov. Kasich, who if you remember, had also vied for the GOP alpha spot, hasn’t even attended the convention and it’s in his state. Trump’s wife, Melania, plagiarizes Michelle Obama and then RNC chief strategist and communications director Sean Spicer quoted My Little Pony in defence of the gaffe. Reince Priebus, who is either a Bond villain, an Assassin’s Creed achievement award on XBOX One, or the leader of the Republican Party, walked off stage and the live stream comments section had to be shut down for the overwhelmingly racist comments… Oh, also Scott Baio and one of the Duck Dynasty fucktards are the big celebrity speakers…and that’s just day one! Forget High School-like; the RNC has degenerated to second grade playground dynamics. I heard that Trump said he was gonna kick Kasich’s ass out by the flagpole after school.
The only thing that could make this situation better is if when Trump walks out on stage someone hacks the intercom system and plays Pink Floyd’s “In the flesh pt 2”.
As a great example of the disconnect at work here the victory of the Cavaliers had been mentioned multiple times at the opening of the convention, while King James and four other NBA players opened the ESEPY’s with a speech about gun violence and blacklivesmatter the previous week.
July 21:
Trump is officially the GOP presidential candidate; Rubio and Cruz go underground to join the resistance and find love in each other’s arms.
July 20-24:
Absolutely nothing pertaining to geek culture happened in this time.
