Cultural Junkdrawer
Downtown Gotham
thanks to @samthielman
This week there was a huge controversy that spread out across all social media. This controversy is yet another example of entrenched, cloistered, power brokers who try to dictate what is and isn’t acceptable to a culture they are hopelessly out of touch with. Was it the GOP’s filibuster over infrastructure funding? Or their crass and desperate attempt to disenfranchise huge swaths of the population not inclined to vote for the party that creates the disenfranchisement? Was it the belief of anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers that the vaccinated will shed poisonous cells that will infect the non-vaccinated with a killer virus resulting in anti-maskers WEARING MASKS?!?!?! (No, I’m not kidding. These people are more inclined to believe what is basically the plot of Hobbes and Shaw over medical professionals). No, this controversy goes deeper and further than any of the above mentioned. It goes down to the bottom of our world, lapping at the shores of body image, cultural sexism and misguided, toxic masculine roles. The points of discussion reside closely to an opening that excretes waste and occasionally noxious fumes, culturally speaking, but we, as a society, have an obsessive fascination with nonetheless.
I am, of course, talking about Batman and how he supposedly doesn’t perform oral sex.
If you hadn’t heard about this because you use social media platforms for baking recipes, slanted, agenda poisoned political news or just plain doing it wrong. An interview in Variety with Harley Quinn animated series co-creator Justin Halpern brought up a joke that was nixed in an upcuming… sorry, couldn’t help myself, coming season 3 episode. The joke pertained to Bats going downtown on Catwoman. The joke was nixed by executives because “Heroes don’t do that!”
remember this meme?
While an obviously amused and confused Halpern responded with “Are you saying heroes are selfish lovers?” The response was…
“We Sell toys of heroes. It’s hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone.” Which contradicts an Entertainment Earth SDCC 2021 exclusive Batman statue they announced earlier this month.
The executive has a point. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve overheard in the Target toy department a six year old saying to his parents “I think Batman is cool because he has a lot of neato gadgets, is smart and always wins but I don’t want to get the Snowmobile Batman playset because he flaunts an outdated 1950’s paradigm of repressed social mores that viewed sexual congress as an act of joyless procreation and not one of mutual, gratifying pleasure for both partners. I’ll go with the Paw Patrol rescue sub instead!”
Of course I’m paraphrasing; no 6 year old says “neato”
And I’m in the Target toy section looking for exclusive funko pops in case you are wondering.
So, just to be clear, this joke about Batman going down on his long term, canonical intimate partner appears on a hard “R” rated show which is rife with swearing, bloody minded action and hysterical adult humor? It’s OK for Harley to knock somebody’s jaw clean off but not a joke about oral sex? Or specifically Batman performing oral sex, because there sure as hell been a large amount of sex based jokes on the show up till now.
In fairness to DC executives; Halpern’s anecdote is within the context of him stating how much he HAS gotten away with on the show. But this one very funny and strange tidbit is the part that has set the internet ablaze in mostly good humored and funny responses. Which is unique in of itself. It’s just, considering the vast DCEU, a statement like “Heroes don’t do that!” Just doesn’t hold water. Little Tommy has Batman toys because the Dark Knight has a car with a jet on it, he uses a grappling hook and occasionally fights dinosaurs and scary clowns. Not if he traces the alphabet with his tongue on Catwoman’s vulva. No Batman action figure has “clit licking action mode!” There are no Bat-Dental Dams! He doesn’t carry a vibrating bullet on his utility belt. At least I don’t think he does. I just don’t see the Batman brand being tainted because he plays the hairmonica with Catwoman. The DC licensing business plan probably doesn’t have a section covering oral sex. If it did, though, it might say something like: “Leave oral to the Marvel Characters. Analingus for the McFarland toy lines!”
For starters, we’re talking about Batman and Catwoman; a couple who dress in animal themed, black leather and vinyl BDSM adjacent costumes and regularly participate in whips, knives, suspension, rope and impact play in their everyday activities. Can you imagine what they get up to in the privacy of Wayne Manor? Or one of the many Gotham city rooftops they’ve knocked boots/heads on? A little yodeling in the cat cave is outright tame by any imaginable metric.
Secondly, Batman is prepared for every contingency and never half-asses anything. I find it hard to think that a man that has figured out how to stop Darkseid from conquering the earth multiple times doesn’t consider how to make his partner orgasm multiple times.
Third, he’s dated Wonder Woman (in at least a few realities) and you know he picked up some pointers from a woman that was raised by Amazons. Hell, he’d study Amazon cunnilingus jus so he could do it better than them. THAT’S THE CHARACTER OF BATMAN!
OK, maybe I’ll allow one “Elseworlds” Batman who doesn’t talk to the woman in the canoe. But let’s look at Batman through the incarnations of movie and TV and figure out where each stands on eating oysters:
1943, 49 Batman –
It’ll be fine, Myrtle, I read how to do this in a medical journal.
Coming from a time where anything outside of “missionary then confessing to your priest after.” Was considered deviant, probably not. Also not even sure the is a Catwoman in this series, just German and Japanese spies. Not a giant buzzsaw joker card in sight.
1966 Batman –
Want to see me tie the cherry stem with my tongue?
Heck yes,baby! “Going downtown” isn’t just for miscreants, hippies and girls in biker gangs anymore! It’s totally groovy, baby! Besides, look at Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt! I’d do hours of talking on the flesh phone just to stay in the call list. Odds are though, considering the production design, that their clitoris’ would have to be labeled “Bat O-Generator!”
1989 Batman –
OK, Bats, I’m gonna ride the Bat-tongue tonight!
No doubt the Michael Keaton Batman said “Hello in Italian” with both Vicki Vale and Selena Kyle. Somehow I can visualize this with greater clarity than any of the other Batmen on this list. Goddamn you internet!
Batman the animated series –
Fetlife shared profile Cat and Bat:
Hi there, I’m the cat and this is my daddy, Bats. We enjoy a variety of kinks and would like to share them with you. NO KRYPTONIANS!
One of the realities where Batman dated Wonder Woman, he also tongue climbed to the peak of peach mountain with Zatana, Catwoman and I imagine, every once in a while, he answered a Bat booty call from Talia but used a Bat condom (ribbed for her pleasure) with her.
The Dark Knight –
It’s OK, Bruce, I’ll coach you through your first time.
Nolan’s dark and realistic Batman was a tortured soul for pretty much the entire trilogy. He carried a torch for his dead elementary school crush, Rachel, even after she changed bodies and died telling Harvey Dent she loved him. I assume he closed the deal a few times as billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne but his heart wasn’t into it, ever. Of all the Elseworld Batmen I figure this one had the least sex and therefore the least opportunities to “Eat at the Y”. At least until that universe’s Selena came round.
Batfleck –
Just make her cum once! Just once with your tongue and you’ll understand. Barry.
This Batman got crazy, I bet. This Batman didn’t skimp on the playboy side of the persona. There is even a woman naked and fast asleep after an all night long session of “Batman v Lickalottapus”. I even got a vibe (in both Snyder and Wheaton cuts) that he and Diana were sport fucking. You know Bats wasn’t gonna take a pass on “Funnilingus” with a demigoddess or that he really had a choice in the matter.
Rob BatenPat –
I’d rather just talk about emo if that’s alright.
Jury is still out on Robert Pattinson’s Bat visiting (Zoe Kravitz) Catwoman’s sushi bar. But if he does, I’m sure he’ll be lighting some black candles and playing The Cure afterwards.
So there you go. I don’t have any definitive proof that Batman takes “The ploughman’s lunch” but there seems to be a lot more sentiment and believably that he does then doesn’t. Personally, I don’t see Bats pulling a DJ Khaled. The idea that “Heroes don’t do that” says a lot more about the executive that made that wrongheaded claim than anything about our modern heroes. In my humble opinion, I think Bats would do everything he could to please his partner because he IS a hero. And heroes selflessly take care of others. So not only would Batman twirl Catwoman’s cherry but he’d do it without expectation of reward. Though hopefully Selena would help him “Catch a flight to Boston” anyway.
Stuff tangential to the main column that I couldn’t fit in organically.
Believe me I am not kink shaming.
I thought I was kinky until I spent 5 minutes on Fetlife.
I also have to imagine that Superman and Lois do it while he’s flying.
Big props to Urban thesaurus for giving me some of the more interesting slang terms. I was today years old when I learned that “Hello in Italian” was slang for cunnilingus
I’ve seen Bats getting busy plenty of times writing my Adult Continuity column. Both the 66 version and in Axel Braun’s DC Pornoverse.
I wrote a short porn parody of Black Widow for TarintinoXXX. The best joke in there was that the Avengers had to fight “The stepdaughters of Thanos”. Which is hysterical if you have paid any attention to current trends in porn.
The most upsetting part of all this on twitter is the lack of a really good hashtag. I tried #Batmangoesdowntown but, as usual, it never caught on.
#BatmanDOES is pretty good, though.
I do think it’s weird that it is perfectly fine to show intense violence in superhero fare but a loving act of pleasure is over the line.
I fully expect a B story mocking this entire thing in a season 3 ep of “The Boys”
And in season 2 of “Invincible”
And season 4 of “Big Mouth”
I hadn’t planned on doing another Junkdrawer for a bit but when manna falls from the heavens…
Till next time; Ciao, baby!
