DC FANDOME: A 78.4% TRUE RECAP
The two of you that regularly read my Cultural Junkdrawer column know that every few years I do a recap of SDCC where I basically tell you what you already know, a rando dick joke, plus I make shit up. I do this because nobody is looking to me for breaking geek culture news. This will post at least a day or three after every other news site drops breathless reaction videos to “The Batman” trailer. I hear “Bob’s comic news-o-rama” reaction guy had to be taken to the hospital because he started hyperventilating when Batman railed the crap outta that Joker Boyz guy. Not gonna go there, I got my pride.
You will also notice that my percentage of true parts has dropped like the covid economy.
I also do a comprehensive list of reasons why I haven’t gone there even when the gaslamp is a short four hour drive from the Los Angeles conglomerate district. This year, aside from the usual reasons: $6 bottles of water and 130,000 sweaty neckbeards cosplaying as Joker, the main reason I didn’t go was that there is a plague that seems to be far outlasting the public’s capacity to care. Oh yeah, that’s the reason SDCC didn’t even happen!
I guess nobody comes to me for breaking national news either.
So DC has done some interesting power moves to fill the void in our hearts left by the lack of nerdprom! The DC FANDOME, according to the press release, is where the fans of some of the greatest comic book characters ever created (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Hawkkid, Polkadot man, Condiment King, and other lesser known ones), could gather together in a giant dome, scrounge for hidden weapons and systematically eradicate one another with chainsaws, shotguns and swords. The lone survivor is going to get a personalized sketch from Jim Lee.
Wait, that’s a press release for DC Fandome taking place in alternate universe 675D, my bad.
This one is just a web based hype machine for all things DC related.
Except for anything relating to actual comics because all that is a month and a half away from disappearing forever.
Anyhoo, there was a lot of hype for upcoming IP management advances from the DC catalog. I’ve included the trailers for each and, in a trend that is fascinating to me, the reaction videos, but not just a reaction video! Each of these have a mash-up of reaction videos. Meaning that there are SO MANY reaction videos that other people are compiling videos of reaction videos! This industry is now officially a snake that eats itself.
Another Batman Movie. In which the still inexperienced Dark Knight watches “The Crow” and “Seven” in a double feature on SYFY channel and thinks “Hey I could do that!” Villains will include a Russell Crow level doughy Colin Ferrell As The Penguin, Zoe Kravitz parlaying her current “It girl” status into a tentpole series as Catwoman, Nick Offerman as Killer Croc and a digitally resurrected Vincent Price as EggHead.
“I wanted to do something different for my take on ‘The Batman!” Said director Matt Reeves. “So I decided to make Gotham’s protector dark and brooding. I don’t believe that’s ever been done before in a Batman movie!”
Here’s one of the many reaction mash-up videos that have flooded youtube:
The “Wonder Woman 84” movie is still coming out. “We spent a lot of time and money on this one and since the first one made over a billion dollars we’re not headed straight to HBO Max. Unless Disney absolutely slays it with charging extra for “Mulan” on Disney Plus. If that’s the case we have a new paradigm and we can finally cut out the theater owners forever! Muhahahahahahahaha!” Said one of the twenty executive producers for the movie before scurrying off to his appointment to be covered in peach yogurt and Jack Daniels by a high end escort. Here is the new trailer for “Wonder Woman 84” which reveals Kristen Wiig as Cheetah and Pedro Pascal as Max Lord who is clearly modeled after tRump except Max Lord doesn’t slur every third word.
Here is the 8:41 second reaction mash-up:
The HBO MAX SNYDER CUT OF JUSTICE LEAGUE! My last cultural junkdrawer was specifically about this but now we have a teaser trailer set to “Hallelujah” from the late genius songsmith Leonard Cohen. Fans might remember Snyder last used this stirring, transcendent song in his version of “Watchmen” when Nite Owl porked Silk Spectre. HBO MAX will present Justice League: The Snyder Cut as 4 one hour episodes replacing a ton of stuff dropped from the theatrical cut including more of Cyborg’s story, a cameo by DC’s resident purple final boss Darksied and a touching yet powerful love scene between Batman and Aquaman set to “Hallelujah” from late genius songsmith Leonard Cohen. Oh and Superman wears his black suit for, like, five minutes which had the fanboys creaming in their underoos for some reason. Imagine if he had the bad 90’s mullet, it would’ve been like Boston when the Patriots win the Superbowl – dumpsters on fire, cars turned over, the national guard called in, looting, the media blaming it on #BLM protesters.
Anyway here’s the trailer. Notice the longing, hungry looks Batman flashes at Aquaman, like all of us, at 1:37 –
And the reaction compilation –
As a bonus Zack Snyder revealed his deep felt love for Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and in a touching tribute made a Fandome exclusive supercut of every murder and sex scene he’s ever shot on film put to the song. Believe you me, my eyes were tearing up when the zombies from “Dawn of the dead” started eating Ty Burrell’s entrails. It got me right in the feels! I finally lost it during the crescendo of the song when Baby from Sucker Punch is getting lobotomized.
THE SUICIDE SQUAD – When Disney acquiesced to the calls from master level douchebag and conservative gadfly Mike “I’m an asshole what ya gonna do bout it!” Asshole Cernovich to fire James Gunn from Guardians of the Galaxy 3, allegedly over some stupid jokes that he had apologised for years previous but really because of Gunn’s vocal criticism of fascist man baby tRump. They realized they had made a serious mistake, But by then Gunn had been snapped up by Warner Brothers to do another Suicide Squad. Fandome had two videos for “The Suicide Squad” but I’m just gonna show you one of ‘em. The one that names all the characters and the actors playing them.
And, of course the reaction mashup:
Adding “The” before the movie title must be a trend. I can’t wait for “The Dune” and “The Wonder Woman”
There were some other totally unexpected announcements that shook DC fandom to its very CORE!
Gotham Knights – Another Batman video game but, get this, without Batman!
I guess killing off your most beloved character to kick off the game is a trend also. See “The Avengers” video game and the Death Of Captain America! Will the new Crash Bandicoot game kill the spinning marsupial off after the opening tutorial level?
Suicide Squad kills the Justice League video game with a trailer that looks awesome:
This was not in game footage. In fact the real game will be a farm sim akin to “Harvest Moon” in an attempt to capture the valued “Women over 40” demographic.
The Flash movie will be a “Flashpoint” kinda thing where the stuff that didn’t work is removed from cannon like the X-Men movies did six years ago.
The Flash movie lost and gained three different directors during the course of the The Flash Movie Panel.
John Ridley said of his Batman project that the Dark Knight is “47% likely to be a POC” which was followed by Fox news saying Batman is 47% more likely to be a socialist, marxist, communist, antifa fascist, likely to riot and tRump demanded to see his birth certificate. Currently most white supremacists have burned their Batman t-shirts with the arms cut off and the Bat logo done up in the dixie flag and gone back to wearing their Punisher t-shirts with the arms cut off and the Skull logo done up in the dixie flag.
Linda Carter is still alive and looking pretty damn good.
The tepid “rock” band Daughtry is still a thing! I’m sure they performed “She hates me” or whatever middle of the road material they do that was playing on VH1 a decade ago.
In a move to bring much needed “Batman” content to an underserved market there will be a “Gotham PD” spinoff/prequel/other IP buzzword before “The Batman” hits theaters after the pandemic ends in 2097.
Postmates! was a corporate sponsor to the whole thing and they can bring you Taco Bell, Del Taco or even Chiplote! They don’t judge!
Zack Snyder finished off his Justice league panel by having his prog rock band “The Owls of Ga’Hoole” featuring the freaky warped guy from 300 (Andrew Tiernan) on keyboards. They did this amazing version of “Hallelujah” from late genius songsmith Leonard Cohen. Their version would have bursts of speed but suddenly shift into a super slow playing. The whole song lasted 23 minutes and was 10 million over budget.
HBO Max will release the Snyder cut of the song, which runs an extra 15 minutes in 2021.
Nothing was said about the fate of the DC streaming universe even though there was a sketch of the HBO MAX logo holding a bloody baseball bat over a DC Streaming universe logo with a caved in head.
There was no announcement about the firing of almost the entire editorial staff of DC comics but Chief Creative officer Jim Lee did do his portfolio review segment wearing a necklace made up of human teeth and Macbook “D” and “C” keys.
All in all this amazing DC event ran for 24 hours with 10 hours of content and the other 14 were “Encore” versions. Currently there is 20,014 hours of breakdowns, outrageous speculations and fan reactions on youtube covering that original 10 hours.
Catch you next year when I don’t go to SDCC 2021 because… who knows: Alien invasion, civil war, zombie apocalypse, cat uprising or I just don’t want to!
THOUGHTS TANGENTIAL TO THE COLUMN THAT I COULDN’T FIT ORGANICALLY!
Other reasons SDCC didn’t happen, aside from the plague: Every comic creator has at least one sexual harassment accusation and are legally required to stay 500 feet away from everyone else.
The comicsgate crowd promised to attend.
Oppressive loony left state laws prohibited DC comics from publicly executing their entire editorial staff in Petco Park as originally announced.
Gary’s mom wouldn’t let him go because he didn’t mow the lawn like she asked.
The promotions team hyping the “Hallmark Presents: Every Christmas based romantic comedy movie we’ve ever done!” box set decided to focus efforts with a different demographic.
All the bodies that were in line for the 2019 SDCC Funko purchase lottery tickets still haven’t been found.
Lorenzo Lama-thon people pulled out at the last second.
Giant, anime sword based muggings were up 79% last year.
That one person who did that terrible Batman cosplay. I mean he had NO chin to speak of! Where does he get off?
The bold decision to move artist alley to the Oceanside Best Western Seafoam conference room got some negative feedback.
Three words: “Hall H maulings!”
Nobody (snicker) told Steve (snort) SDCC was cancelled! Boy the look on his face when he gets there! (hahahahahah)
Finally SD Police department, in a poor understanding of the complexities related to the #BLM movement made the half measure promise of only beating, then planting evidence on, green people.
I shoulda noticed that in the press release from Alternate Universe 675D the editor in chief of DC comics is Zorthax The Obliterator. Dead give away.
In this universe Zorthax The Obliterator is Trump’s next nomination for Supreme Court.
But only because Zorthax, in a ruling made while he was Dreaded High Master of the horror zone on Galfribar, stated that a sitting president or current conquering space emperor, could not be tried for doing evil shit while in office.
It’s a precedent setting ruling on Galfribar. “The many slaughtered dead vs Emperor Morgafiend: The head tearer-offer”
Some conservative groups, mostly christian right based, claimed Trump was “getting soft” for his nomination of Zorthax and wanted Emperor Morgafiend instead.
I actually found the scene between Nite Owl and Spectre on youtube: https://youtu.be/DdflRCbW480 it could be safe for work with an explanation and emphasizing late genius songsmith Leonard Cohen’s part in the video.
Oops, I guess youtube didn’t buy the excuse. You’ll have to watch the movie I guess.
Youtube claims that the video violated their community standards on “heavy handed symbolism, robotic owl imagery and queasy use of the greatest song from late genius songsmith Leonard Cohen”.
Screw it, here is the other “The Suicide Squad” video – https://youtu.be/VImYeXnr13Q
Who’s your bigger man crush: Idris Elba or John Cena?
Will I cover the September Fandome follow-up?