Cultural Junk Drawer – The trial of Bluddgore the Obliterator

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Highlights from Bluddgor the Obliterator’s trail

 

Most of the information for this article was taken from the Interstellar Federation news service, court transcripts and the telepathic transmissions of the Rhinomen of planet Garblaxia.

  After a short deliberation of 4.5 hours the jury handed in a decision in the historic trial of Bluddgor the Obliterator.

  The jury found the self proclaimed “Ruler of all sentient life with a bloody gauntlet forged of hypersteel” guilty of all 3400 charges. Which included: Decimation of the Gamfel coalition, vaporizing the entire Ventori solar system, the destruction of the puppy and kitten dimension, ripping out hearts/tearing off the heads of a dozen members of the legion of light, harnessing the unlimited power of the eternal crystals to destroy 1/3 of all life in the universe, cosmic level larceny and illegally diverting campaign money to payoff adult performer Tsunami Daneeil over their sexual liaisons so it wouldn’t go to the press during Bluddgor’s campaign to become Galactic Overseer.  The tyrant’s “reign of bloody terror and unholy retribution”, as described by Bluddgor himself in recorded statements broadcast throughout the known multiverse (by enslaving the mind walkers of Plavmogin), ended when The Global Guardians, Martok the Immortal, The Legion of Light, Queen Berillion and her imperial guard, Solar Squad, Golden age Solar Squad and The Defenders of the Universe combined their might defeating and capturing Bluddgor in a massive crossover event.

  Since then Bouddgore has claimed his statement of multiversal domination and/or destruction was “Locker room talk.” 

  Bluddgor’s attorneys submitted a plea of “not guilty” at the beginning of the trial. Since then there has been a ceaseless parade of inappropriate , threatening and downright dangerous comments, actions by the would-be tyrant. And, frankly, we in the press have been gobbling it all up because it’s a 39.4 hour news cycle and anything on Bluddgor gets clicks.

  Here are some of the highlights (it should be noted that all images from the trial were created by my great nephew Mason because we are a small website that barely reaches the shimmering cascade and we couldn’t afford the subscription fee for the 4D illustrations. And, apparently, we never will).

  The trial starts! Bluddgor is brought into the courtroom imprisoned in a miniature blackhole designed by the eternal monk! The grim visage of the slayer of the entire Orion sector is televised on a video screen via subspace neural transmission. During the opening arguments Bluddgor seems to fall asleep several times, audibly snoring at one point.

  Later, the emissary of the apocalypse, said he was “…pretending to be asleep to lull Ultraguy (a superhero who can punch reality itself through a wall) into a sense of false security”. Bluddgor made this statement on his social network “Bluddgor the Obliterator’s Ministry of Propaganda” and is promptly hit with a gag order and a fine by Judge Trasgravamorg.

 

Drawn by a 4 yr old named Mason.

 

  The following day Bluddgor posts once again on his social network saying “…if the jury finds me guilty my wrath will shake the very pillars of creation! Each juror will suffer a custom retribution from me that would make the Horror Knights from Hellscape sick with the sheer grossness of it! Like the juror ‘Gorvin McFroop’, yes you, Gorvin, sitting in the second row, 3rd from the left! I will personally turn you inside out, clean out your insides and use your skin as a condom while I sodomize your three pets: Fiddle, Nidlle and Mo!

  Fear me, McFroop, fear my vengeance!”

 

McFroop is scared. Bluddgor is a meanie! Mason put himself in the picture also.

 

  The Judge hit Bluddgor with another gag order and fined him 10,000 galactic credits. Sternly warning the defendant “This court will not tolerate threats on our jury or non-consensual sodomy of their pets.”

  The cosmic tyrant posted on his social network later that day that the threat on  McFroop was “Taken out of context.”

  Supporters for Bluddgor, know as “Bludd brothers” gather outside the courthouse in support. All are wearing hats, or head clothing specific to their species, a shade of red specially designed to invoke primal fear and/or revulsion. As usual, the hats are emblazoned with the phrase “Make the galaxy great again… or else!”. Holding hand (or tentacle) made signs proclaiming “Bluddgor; No lives matter!”, “Bluddgor is still my Overseer!”, and “The election was stolen from Bluddgor there (sic) lying to u!” The election was not stolen from Bluddgore and every lawsuit and claim from his supporters has been thrown out of every legal institution in the universe.

Clones are stupid!

 

  Scrutiny from multiple news organizations and individuals on the internet determine that over 3,000 of the 3,050 Bluddgor supporters were clones of Haxmundi Terriblus, Bluddgor’s genetically engineered henchman.

 EDITOR’S NOTE –  We, as the news media, have constantly reiterated that Bluddgor’s failure to get re-elected as Overseer is patently false (see the microscopic sized link to the official election results at the end of this article). But that doesn’t stop us from loudly restating the lie EVERY TIME it’s brought up! We did mention it’s a 39.4 hour news cycle, right?

  Bluddgor debuts his “Bluddgor Edition” of the “Holy Bentrovian Bible”, a work of fiction that many of Bluddgor’s followers cherry pick passages from to justify their bias and hate. This edition has a holographic image of Bluddgor covered in the blood and entrails of his vanquished foes and holding aloft the severed head of the current Galactic Oversser, Je Boenid,

Charred remains lol.

  If you’d like to purchase a copy of the Bluddgor edition of the Holy Bentrovian Bible goto www.Bluddgoretheobliterator.com

  Chief editor of “The Interstellar Inquirer” Chuck Cockmeister takes the stand and testified that he was approached by Bluddgor’s then fixer (and current convicted felon) Wrech Cohvlid and eventually Bluddgor himself, to spearhead a “Catch, dismember and immolate” program where he’d track down negative stories about “He who drenches the very stars with the blood of his victims”and the sentient beings telling them and either buy them out to shelve the stories or, failing that, “choke their loved ones with the smoke from their burning corpses! Then, for good measure burn the loved ones too!” Cockmeister produced recorded meetings (time stamped and verified by the guild of Notary) with Cohvlid and Bluddgor, receipts for payoffs from campaign funds laundered through shell companies, a comprehensive list of the stories and/or victims of the plan, including pictures of the pyres alight with those who wouldn’t play ball. Cockmeister also displayed a headshot of Bluddgor from his time as host of the “It Universe” show signed by Bluddgor saying “Thanks, Chuck, for helping out with the “catch, dismember and immolate” plan! Love, Bluddgor the Obliterator!

Love ya Chuck!
Not the usual “headshot Bluddgor likes.

  The defense countered with “Though every bit of evidence is supported by every institution and organization created to verify facts. The prosecution presenting authenticated records of the defendant breaking every law on the books and actual videos of the defendant lighting people on fire with the Immolation beams he shoots from his eyes we say “Nah, it’s all a lie! There is a conspiracy coordinated by his political enemies, which number in the trillions, all working together to tarnish the good name of Bluddgor the Obliterator!” The defense went on to list some of the other good names of Bluddgor including “He who punched every living creature in the solar system of Kormok to death”, “The Blood soaked tyrant of the universe” and “Mitch”.

  After the trial recessed for the day Bluddgor went on his social media and stated “Cockmiester is a tremendous liar! I never dismembered ANY of my victims, only immolated them! What a loser! I shall feed his internal organs to my Dire Wolves and bathe in his blood! I am BLUDDGOR and I have spoken!”

  The next day the judge hit Bluddgor with another gag order, fine and a stern warning to “knock it off, I mean it this time!”

 Wrech Cohvlid takes the stand providing testimony corroborating Cockmiester’s. He also produced the accounting records for the shell companies detailing how the money for the payoff to Tsunami Daneeil was diverted illegally from campaign funds. Also included are 4D recordings of Bluddgore asking Cohvlid to explain the entire process with Cohvild stating again and again that Bluddgor would actually have to pay Daneeil and if she were immolated it would look suspicious. He also presented into evidence a bowling trophy with an inscribed placard saying “Thanks for all the help with the money laundering scheme and paying off that porn star I was banging! Wrech, you have curried favor with BLOODGOR THE OBLITERATOR!

  The defense counters with “Wrech Cohvlid is a convicted felon and therefore untrustworthy! Sure he was convicted for doing felonies for Bluddgor, but let’s not fret over small details. C’mon, ya gonna believe this worm over “The Scourge of the galaxy”?

  That evening Bluddgor posts on his Ministry of propaganda network “Cohvild is a huge fool and a liar! He is not aware that he draws breath solely at my whim as do all you wretched worms! I HAVE SPOKEN!”

  The following day The Judge gives the defendant another fine, shrugs and goes about the day.

She makes videos where people are happy.

  Finally Tsunami Daneeil takes the stand. She describes, in graphic detail, her affair with “The destroyer of life”, displayed the gifts he gave her (including a necklace of femurs ripped from the bodies of Bluddgor’s fallen foes), named the bellhops of the hotels where the two had their trysts, described the shape of “The most feared being in the multiverse” penis and the small mole on his pelvis. She also produced evidence of the money she got for not going to the press and, finally a video that Bluddgor sent her with him in a velvet robe saying “Thanks for letting I, Bluddgor the magnificent fuck machine, bone down on you several times. The oral was especially good. But if you don’t take the payoff and go to the press about our affair I will Immolate you with my destructive gaze!” He then proceeds to fire his Immolation beams at a nearby servant, vaporizing the poor bastard, opens his robe and wiggles his dong and talks in a high pitched voice till the video ends.

   Daneeil clarifies that it wasn’t an affair, the sex was purely transactional and she faked every orgasm. 

  The defense responded with “Tsunami has sex with lots of people, sometimes on camera. She’s a slut and therefore her testimony should be expunged from the record.”

  Presented with overwhelmingly damning evidence the jury found Bluddgor the Obliterator guilty of all charges.

  So, what happens next?

  Bluddgor’s followers have cried for civil war on Bluddgor’s ministry of propaganda site. The hashtag #Bluddgordidnothingwrong is not trending on other social media. The tyrant himself has proclaimed “This trial was a big ol’ sham!” A “Travesty of justice” and complained that he “Wasn’t allowed to testify” even though his defense team recommended that he don’t because all he would say is that he would “Immolate every sentient being in the courtroom!”, “Fear the wrath of Bluddgor, the Obliterator!” and “THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM HIM!” which is a patented untruth.

Most pundits say “He who drinks the blood of galaxies” will appeal and if that is denied will get a slap on the wrist. The conviction will have little impact on his campaign to become Galactic Overseer again because his followers have chosen to ignore or deny overwhelmingly damning evidence the jury found.
Bluddgor has stated, on record and his social media that, if elected, he will “Deal a vengeance upon my enemies so fierce and terrifying that god himself will tremble at the sight of it!” He also went on to state to the press “Immolation is only the beginning of the pain I will visit upon all denizens of the multiverse when I am re-elected Overseer, which I still am, actually, because THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN FROM ME!!” Listen, this is just not true, but its sexy and we’re too lazy to actually refute this false statement.

“Innmotation beans” from Mason.

What do you think? A lot of people are on the fence about it. Jareth Flikabator, a spaceship mechanic from Mocklabok Prime says “I dunno, Bluddgor just kinda says what we’re all thinking. I respect him for that even if he tried to overthrow the Galactic government and set up a bloody everlasting dictatorship.” Monoa the lesser, a housewife and part time hairdresser living in the swamps of Voralax told us “I’m not sure, I don’t like that Daneeil girl because she is a slut. Why yes I do believe in the writing of the Holy Bentrovian Bible too!” And Bob Wahuollyplunk-Smith of Earth told us “I’m sure he did all the wretched and illegal things he did but he tells me I’m smart for following him and he’s going to immolate people I’m scared of because they don’t think like me so #freeBluddgore!”
Because we live in a post-truth world and the need to distract you from our culpability in that we want to know what your opinion about Bluddgor and the trial is. And don’t forget to post memes and canned outrage about either side of this debacle on social media.

In related news the galactic supreme court debates on whether or not Bluddgor has “Overseer Immunity” for his involvement in the insurrection following his electoral defeat.
As you will recall, Bluddgor claimed that “THE RESULTS WERE RIGGED!” “I DIDN’T LOSE THE ELECTION!” which is a falsehood and “I, BLUDDGOR HAVE DOMINION OVER EVERY LIVING THING FOR ETERNITY!”. He also held back the galactic guard from engaging with the insurrectionists by vaporizing a third of them with his immolation beams and appeared on social media holding the Holy Bentrovian Bible upside down.
The supreme court, which has three judges appointed by Bluddgor while he was Overseer, are thinking that they probably will say it’s “fine” that Bluddgor is above the laws he swore to uphold because, “fuck it, we owe him!”.
When asked if he should recuse himself from the case, Supreme court judge Clarence Jonmas, whose wife openly lobbied to overturn the election results and vaporized a few galactic guards herself, said “Good heavens look at that behind you!” and ran in the other direction.

Up next: Manufactured outrage over something pointless that you won’t read about anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to evidence proving Bluddgor’s claims are false can be clicked here: .

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