My friend, Ihimu, a nice Irish boy from the mid-west, posted this on a social media site that rhymes with Placenook. I kinda got carried away in the comments section with my snark and satire. I share with you…
Ihimu Posted –
10am • Los Angeles, CA • Edited •
Today is Friday the 13th and there is a full moon out tonight. I changed my profile photo because today (or tonight, rather) I will permanently become a werewolf and move to Paris, where I shall become the first AFRICAN-American werewolf of Paris (there are lots of African and American werewolves already, but no AFRICAN AMERICAN ones). Ebony magazine has already called: we’re doing an interview next week.
I look forward to finally living my dream of lycanthropic chicanery in the city of Light and thank you all for your support. For my friends and family overseas, don’t worry: I won’t eat you. That is, provided you don’t bring silver with you when we meet…or insist on talking about sparkly vampires.
Cheers!
Michael Commented –
10:30 – Congrats Ihimu! I saw this at Variety.com: Fox has just optioned this post for a feature film starring Taye Diggs, Michael B. Jordan, Lil’ Wayne and F. Murray Abraham as “evil rich white guy”. No director attached yet but they’re courting Guillermo del Toro. Originated from a Facebook post from Hollywood wunderkind Ihimu Ukpo scribe of other popular posts “I had gelato finally… It was good.” And “Pic of me with World of Warcraft cosplay hottie” which was just picked up by Vince Vaughn’s production company for development into a FXX TV series.
11:05 – This just in on The Hollywood reporter website: Rob Spera, the auteur behind Leprechaun in the hood, has signed on to direct the African American werewolf in Paris movie now officially titled “Black howl”. For FOX searchlight. It’s also rumored that Jay-Z has expressed interest in doing the soundtrack.
11:27 – @Hollywoodreporter posted this link: After some discussions the director sees Black Howl as a gritty urban action drama with a Cajun flavor so the location has been changed to New Orleans instead of Paris. “This will not significantly affect the SPIRIT of the movie.” Spera assures fans. “Sure, an African American werewolf in New Orleans isn’t as much a novelty but I’m a big fan of Ihimu’s original post and I will strive to keep the essence of the source material. Besides, they speak French in New Orleans… sorta. And the tax incentives are great down there right now.” In related news Lil’ Wayne has left the production citing “creative dif’ences on the jeezy, y’all, HOLLA!” multiple arrest warrants and paternity suits in New Orleans and the surrounding cities, counties and states might also be a factor. Eminem is reportedly “Very interested” in filling the casting gap.
Noon – Taye Diggs announces on his personal website that he is backing out of Black Howl due to salary negotiations. “They just don’t want to pay me what I’m worth. I was in Equilibrium for fuck sakes!”
Editor’s note: this whole event takes place in an alternate universe where Equilibrium was a huge success spawning Equilibrium 2: reverse equilibrium, Equilibrium 3: The return of Dr. Vertigo and the short lived SYFY series Equilibrium – generational ennui. Curiously enough the money that went to the SyFy series prevented Sharknado from being produced so be happy you don’t live in this hellish alternate timeline where there is no Sharknado and Rob Spera is considered an auteur.
Editor’s note 2 – Also in this timeline turtles can talk, but that isn’t really relevant to the article so forget I even mentioned it.
12:30pm – Variety.com: Fox Searchlight red lights urban wolf pick. Black Howl put in turnaround. Spera jumps to “Hellraiser in the hood!”
1:15 – Variety.com – Adam Sandler’s next project is a Werewolf in Bermuda comedy because Adam wants to party with David Spade and Kevin James in Bermuda. Universal picked up “Black Howl” in turnaround with Sandler in mind. “We love to bankroll vacations for Adam and his buddies!” A Universal press release states. “As long as you go see him in this dreck we’ll send him to wherever Adam wants to go and gladly pay the bar tab!” The movie, tentatively titled “One howl of a week!” is slated for a June 2015 release.
1:45 – The Newport auto trader scooped the industry mags with this bon mott: Adam Sandler’s next movie “One Howl of a week” has been scrapped. In a leaked statement that somehow was mistaken for an ad for spare Pinto parts read “Adam Sandler wants to go to Cancun instead of Bermuda and a werewolf in Cancun just doesn’t make sense.” Universal has put the project in turnaround and instead decided to do a big screen adaptation of those snarky e-cards everybody re-posts on Pinterest. Taylor Swift will star. The Newport auto trader editor Joey Capalleri had this to say about the whole snafu – “Adam Sandler will land on his feet. His career is like a cockroach. Man he was funny in Grown-ups 2, I rented it on Redbox.”
2:30 – Variety.com posts: The long in development “One Howl of a week” movie has just been picked up by Zack Snyder’s production company and Warner Brothers. Snyder says “I see it as a huge city destroying battle between werewolves and mummies! That’s right, MUMMIES! We haven’t done mummies in a while! It’ll be set in New York but shot in China cause of cheap almost slave labor and then it can play in the Chinese market with little bureaucratic interference… also I’ve never boned an Asian chick! I’m looking at a $250 million budget!” Zack Efron, hot off of Neighbors, has signed to be the lead “Marcus Whiteman” a dark and brooding hero werewolf struggling with keeping his humanity while punching mummies through buildings. “Gonna be gnarly, yo!” Snyder concluded. The project has been renamed “HOWL!: Werewolves v Mummies” And is based on something Snyder found on the internet while browsing for porn.
3:17 – Latinotimes.com reports: “HOWL!: WEREWOLVES V MUMMIES!”, the werewolf mummy action picture that has been stuck in development hell for most of the day has a new director; the guy that did some flash mob dance movie that tanked last year.” Zack Snyder stepped down from helming the action thriller when Warner brothers balked at the $265 million price tag and Zack remembered between bong hits that he has to do, like 5 Justice League movies in the next four years anyway. Casting has switched from Zack Efron to Ryan Reynolds best known for ruining potential tent pole movies like Green Lantern, R.I.P.D., Deadpool and Van Wilder. So you know how this will roll out.
Other Ryan Reynolds credits on IMDB – Blade: Trinity, Safehouse and fucking Alanis Morrissette (but he’s not the guy she went down on in a theater in that song your older sister listens to when she breaks up with boyfriends).
3:35 – The director for “HOWL!: WEREWOLVES V MUMMIES!” was fired. Warner Brothers explained “Christ, his last movie sucked! We weren’t thinking, sorry.” The project is now in turnaround.
4:12 – Huffington post cultural desk just posted this: Several minority groups have issued statements blasting the newly announced Paramount pictures trilogy “Howl by night” for an astonishing lack of diversity. The alliance for left handed transgendered fish mongers states “We are appalled at the consistent cold shoulder the mainstream media has given to all three of us! Howl by night is the most recent in a long line of films ignoring left handed transgendered fish mongers and our plight for dignity and acceptance in a right handed dominate society. Shame on Paramount Pictures and shame on the original post writer, whomever that was, for his insensitivity and not addressing diversity in his original Facebook post.” Anita Sarkeesian said this about the hotly anticipated trilogy starring Rob Pattinson and Blake Lively “Usually I go after video games but there is a lot of attention on this project and being a self-serving opportunistic demagogue I have to chime in: um… Something, something female role model… Bullshit, bullshit current media climate… fuck, just cut and paste one of my other rants and change Pac Man to werewolves. Is my watermelon margarita ready yet bartender?” The wretched excuse for a media gadfly little less a human being added “Waiter, my guacamole is browning on the edges and I need more chips!” Even the far-right is angling for some extra press; conservative mouthpiece and hardcore nut case Bill O’Reilly said on The O’Reilly Factor today: “it’s obvious that this Howl movie has a liberal bias; there are mummies in it and we all know mummies come from the middle-east. Also one of the evil characters is named “Atwood” a transparent allusion to Burton Atwood founder of Atwood investment Capitol and staunch tea party supporter! Making him a supporter of the mummies is a blatant attack on Atwood’s arms investments in Saudi Arabia, Syria and Iran and the supposed “Crimes against humanity” charges leveled against him by the so-called “World Court!” I say this to the mummy terrorist sympathizing liberals in Hollywood: you’re not fooling me or the rest of America!”
Paramount released a statement reading “What the fuck is a fish monger?”
4:35 – @variety posts a link – Paramount Pictures drops plans for Werewolf trilogy, greenlights new Adam Sandler Cancun comedy “Drinking Buddies!”
5:00 – Model Train quarterly scoops variety and Hollywood reporter with this announcement: Woody Allen readies new movie about a neurotic werewolf living in Paris. Fox Searchlight will distribute…
Michael Colbert writes stuff, he also lifts heavy stuff for money. Help Michael write for money and not the heavy stuff – his graphic novel Crazy Mary – by factory smoke and acetylene light is available on www.crazymarycomic.com and www.amazon.com as is his short story about revolution, latino guys named Pfister and ducks called Car Commercials Have the Best Songs, available on kindle for $.99, unless you want to pay more.
See my review column “Comics on the can!” where I poop and read a comic then review it, most of the time in that order. Right here on www.fanboynation.com
