COMICS ON THE CAN
Vote Loki (issue 4 of 4)
Written by – Christopher Hastings, Art – Langdon Foss
Colors – Chris Chuckry Letters – Travis Lanham
With all the breathless, tireless, clueless coverage of the latest installment of…
COMICS ON THE CAN!
“I’m your correspondent, Chuck Michaels filling in for Chuck Verminchenski because he is really regretting that carne asada burrito he had at “El Loco Burrito #5” this afternoon. If you follow my meaning.
We are deep inside the choice for this “Comics on the can” and right now polls indicate its neck and neck between “Vote Loki” and the Jack Chick tract “God hates you and you’re gonna burn, non-christian baby!” I am somewhat obligated to mention that the independent comic BLACK JACK COMIC TRIO is also running but since that is already a column and nobody liked them in the first place I’ll pass over them right away.
For those of you who are unaware of this momentous decision facing our country I’ll give the simplest explanation… I should warn you that there might be offensive language. As a courtesy for our more sensitive viewers we will warn you when a potentially upsetting word is about to appear by putting the completely harmless number “666” before that word.
“Comics on the can” is an (arguably) humorous column where the author reads a comic book on the “666” potty. The author is supposedly passing “666” poo while recording his thoughts about character, structure, and generally if the story is worth a rat’s “666” butt. The original conceit was to “666” pull the next comic from a box of randos he got years ago but obviously that rule has fallen by the wayside as opportunities to capitalize on current popular culture trends have “666” arisen.
Occasionally the author has started a poll on a social media platform so cool you’ve never heard of it on what comic to read next for the column. Which brings us “666” up to speed.
This concludes the warning section, You see any words you want to clutch your mental pearls over from this point on fucking deal with it.”
“As part of our analysis of this current election and to talk about the two candidates we have in our studio comic reader, media gadfly and assumed smart person because he wears glasses Dr Benson Von Benson.”
“Thank you Chuck, glad to be here. First off I’d like to point out that this contest between the two comics is eerily similar to the most recent Presidential race. How you may ask? In many ways, I’d reply. For starters there are the differences between the two works. “Vote Loki” is a mainstream comic with a satirical story about the God of mischief and lies running for president. It’s funny and smart. The satirical elements, which were actually a mirror of the 2016 presidential race, cut pretty deep. “God hates you and your gonna burn, non-christian baby” is the inane rantings of an emotionally damaged religious nut with no sense of humanity or even a trace of critical thinking. Much like the two sides in the recent election.”
“But, Doctor Benson…”
“Please, call me Benson.”
“Ok, Benson. But you do have to admit that the Jack Chick tracts are metal as fuck!”
“Of course, Chuck! A giant faceless god sitting in judgement on a burning metal throne while casting hapless people including babies into a fiery pit filled with demons for eternal torture is absolutley metal as fuck! I can see “Gatcreeper” using it as a cover of their newest album! But that’s getting off topic.”
“You’re right, Benson.”
“I’ve changed my mind, call me Dr Benson instead. The story in Vote Loki is the God of Mischief foils a Hydra attempt on the presidential candidates and then decides to run for president himself on the shockingly honest platform of “I’m gonna lie to your face and you’re gonna love it!” Which works! People eat up his performance! Despite Daily Bugle reporter Nisa Contreras attempts to expose Loki as a dangerous fraud. But to no success. Revealing truths that he was funded by a cult or that he was stoking civil unrest in Latveria have all been spun in Loki’s favor. In fact, in this issue Nisa finds out (with a little help from Thor and Angela) that Loki orchestrated the entire Hydra attack! When she exposes this truth, Loki’s followers just shrug it off as him being clever. You see Nisa is running on the foolish assumption that people, when well informed, will make good decisions.
Loki knows better.
Loki understands that humans would much rather be happy than right any day. As long as he keeps feeding them words like “real change!”, “I’m with you!” and “you’re right!” He can keep this campaign rolling straight into the white house.
But things are getting out of control, even for Loki! What had started as crazy fun self-aggrandizement, an opportunity to sew mischief and possibly a redemption arc has spiraled into violence, destruction and stock market collapse. It’s not fun anymore. Loki doesn’t see himself, or want to be, the bad guy anymore so he throws a town meeting with Nisa with the promise of telling only the truth. When the questions eventually turn to policy issues like gun control and health care, Loki comes up empty. Nisa brings up the fact that Loki has no platform other than “The other two candidates are bad” Admitting that he had no plan and will make deals with the Supreme Court and the Senate etc, his followers were against in the first place, turns out to be the only way to sour them. Once they think of him as just like any other politician his campaign runs out of steam. The majority of voters go back to blue or red. Loki flies off congratulating himself for taking the high road and being the reason for Nisa’s new TV news anchor job. Also taking a call from the winning candidate and collecting tribute for gaming the system for them. The mini series ends with a very Loki ending.”
“While the story in Jack Chick’s tract is people suffering for not groveling before a wrathful god. Chucking Gays, Catholics and kids that celebrate Halloween into hellfire.
Both candidates do have some lapses in judgement, Like how the scenes of violence in “Vote Loki” are all perpetrated by anti-Loki people burning cars and dumping trash on lawns and escalating violence. “God Hates you…” lacks any coherent rules to which this god runs on except “It’s never enough groveling, into the pit with you!”
But the differences far outweigh: “Loki” mostly hits its satirical targets and tells a funny and interesting, if sadly familiar story and comes in standard comic book format.
“God hates you…” is confusing and repulsive and is presented like a coupon booklet of the damned.
“Thank you Dr. Benson!”
“Aw hell, Chuck, call me Benson again!”
“Get the hell out of here, Benson! And don’t forget your “Review 2021” logo swag on the way out!”
Whatever the decision tonight, I do feel it necessary to point out that those people that have said things like “It doesn’t matter! Comics are all the same anyway!” Or “My vote won’t make a difference!” are missing the point. Loki ends the story telling Nisa “the best thing you can do… is to affect change on a smaller, more individual level.” He also, in trickster fashion, admits to us, the reader, that he’s not the god of moral fables.
Good night and good luck.
THINGS TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN COLUMN THAT I COULDN”T FIT IN ORGANICALLY
Basically the story is about a toxic narcissist telling a huge swath of people what they want to hear to achieve power. And the people love it to the extent that they select ignorance over every damning fact that is uncovered about their candidate. I have no idea where Hastings gets these outrageous ideas!
Star Trek year five had a brief story arc where Harry Mudd; a blowhard con man criminal, backed by a regressive, conservative cabal bent on isolationism, ran for president of the federation. I also have no idea where Jody Houser gets her ideas from.
I still stand by my Black Jack comic trio review regardless of someone pointing out there is a “666” pubic hair in the picture.
Vote Loki came out in November 2016. Coincidence? I think not!
If you don’t believe Jack Chick’s stuff is Metal AF check out some real tracts:
I would tell you the social media platform that’s too cool for you, but that wouldn’t be cool.
Dr Benson Von Benson has been around my brain for a long time. He finally made an appearance in my Fantoy Comics a few months ago.
Here is the link for the 50 best death metal bands according to Kerrang! Of which “Gatecreeper” was ranked #1! Other great band names included: “Zealot Cult”, “Torture Rack”, “Necrot”, “Witch Vomit” and the terrifying name “VHS”. I’m not into Death Metal but you gotta admit there is no mistaking the mission statement with names like this.
Except maybe “VHS”.
Here are some other cool Death Metal band names on that list plus one I made up. See if you can guess which one is mine. “Pissgrave”, “Casket Huffer”, “The Rolling Stones” and “Unfathomable Ruination”.
Some of my favorite made up band names “No Penguins, Only Tigers”, “Turbosloth”, “Emotional Support Peacock”, “Canadian Porn industry” and, of course, “Fapdollar(™)”
Next: Maybe what’s next in the box unless I grab a “Dune” comic for the next “Comics on the can” in six months.
Later: I’ll probably do some Batman comics when the new movie comes out in a year or three.