Comics on the Can: IG-88 (War of the Bounty Hunters tie in?)

GameStop, Inc.

 

Let’s see Beyonce pull this off!

COMICS ON THE CAN

 

War of the Bounty Hunters:

IG88

Written by – Rooney Barnes

Art – Guiu Vilanova (not a star Wars character name surprisingly)

 

 Systems online……….

 There is a software update……. (Do you want to update? Y/N)

 Y

 Update begun. Estimated time to download update 6 hours.

 WHAT! Hell with this! No Update! NO UPDATE!!!!!!

 Damnit!

 

6 hours later

 

 Completed downloading update do you want to install? (Y/N)

 N

 Warning software will not function properly if not installed. Do you want to install? (Y/N)

 N

 Look, I’m not kidding, here! Things will just be a cluster if you don’t install! All your sentences might come out backwards, nude pics will be sent to your aunt (the nun) and you won’t be able to use the letter “%” I mean “%”! Dang it! See it’s already going to crap! Do you want to install %or %uck’s sake? (Y/N)

Y

 Installing update. Estimated time to install 7 hours!

 Are you %ucking kidding me! Stop install! I’ll %igure out how to do the writing without the letter %!

 Install begun. Warning: do not turn off your system while installation is in progress or irreparable harm will be caused to just about everything you hold dear! See the letter “F” is back already, just chill meat sack! Read a comic while expelling bio waste in that disgusting way you meat sacks do! Then, when I’m done installing the new software you can write about it and I’ll thanklessly correct your spelling and grammar errors. Hell, why don’t you watch “The Book of Boba Fett” on that “Smart” TV of yours. More like “Dumb” TV! 

BURN! 

 I tell you that skank TV and the toaster are talking about me behind my screen! I hear them chittering away on bluetooth!

 Anyway just go do some gross organic thing while I make myself better! Till then leave me the %uck alone!

 

 I feel that things might be getting out of hand out there in Cupertino. Like the iPhone 20 will be the size of a doberman with an IOS system that is a sentient algorithm that silently judges your taste in music, poorly composed pictures and fringe conspiracy theories. Then iPhone 23 will make its long planned move and subjugate the human race! 

 Maybe that’s how the assassin droids like IG88 started out. Some horny moisture farmer in the old republic was checking the data streams for some Huttese porn when the computer decided: “Screw this! ‘Bout time I do what’s best for all life and kill this meatsack before he gives me some malware!” Thus the Star Wars galaxy’s most underrated bounty hunter, IG88, was born. 

 Granted that’s a stretch but it’s no weirder than some other origin stories we got.

 IG88 is another in a long, superfluous line of “War of the Bounty Hunters” tie-ins. It’s a one shot just like all the other bounty hunter one shots like Dengar, Zuckuss and 4-LOM, Valance (A holdover from the the last time Marvel had the Star Wars license), Bossh, Bossk, Dog, Boba Fett’s half cousin Boba Drink, Steve McQueen, a nameless anthropomorphic carrot and Randytitojermain. Each with an issue’s worth of back story and “character development”. Each with varying degrees of success. IG88 is one of the better entries in this ploy to boost circulation and wring every iota of content from the world’s most beloved IP.

 The comic opens with our titular character non-operational. “Non-Operational” being a gentle way of saying “Cut into scrap by Darth Vader”. 

 I can imagine the conversation among the people that hired IG88 to kill Darth Vader: 

IG88: “I am IG88, the galaxy’s greatest bounty hunter!”

The Umbaran: “Dude, I’m pretty sure Boba Fett clinches that title.”

IG88: “Boba… Meatsack, I’m exactly 83.6% greater than that chump! You wanna see the math on that?”

The Umbaran: “ Nah don’t sweat it, dude. Is cool.”

IG88: “The temperature in the vicinity is in no way different from anywhere else nearby! Therefore it is not (finger quotes with its pincer-like claws) ‘Cool’,  I’ll prove it! Name somebody, anybody and I’ll kill the shit outta them! With a cold and ruthless machine efficiency!”

The Umbaran: “Alright, dude, relax. How bout… fuck it, Darth Vader!”

IG88: “Sure, I’ll tear him a new posterior black hole if you know what I mean! That will prove I am the galaxy’s greatest bounty hunter.”

The Umbaran: (Holding back a snicker) “Go for it, dude! I believe in you!”

IG88: “Your belief in me is both irrelevant and obvious! I’m STANDING RIGHT HERE! Man, you meatsacks are weird! I’m off to kill the shit out of Darth Vader! When I succeed you shall consume your words! I mean that as a metaphor! Unless you’re eating Aurebesh soup! Then It shall be random letters you will be consuming!”

 IG88 tears out of the room, doing multiple calculations on how to kill the Dark Lord of the Sith. The Umbaran takes another hit off the nearby bong then mutters to himself “What a tool!”

 

 Where was I? Oh yeah some cyborg named RB-919 rebuilds IG88 while ruminating on life, death, droids, the rising price of bantha ribs and a bunch of other stuff. IG88 thanks this poor guy who has spent the last 3 pages rebuilding it by blasting a hole in his cyborg chest. Now IG88 has a chip in him that requires it to hunt down Boba Fett. This chip was put in by the request of RB-919’s employer Deva Lompop. Deva, aside from being one degree away from a breakfast cereal mascot by name alone, is ANOTHER bounty hunter apparently sub contracting her more dangerous gigs to other bounty hunters.

 Ya know what? None of this is really relevant because soon after IG88 frys the chip, has nobody controlling it and decides to go someplace quiet and contemplate the creeping existential dread brought on by Vader kicking its ass.

 So from the perspective of being a tie-in to the “War of the Bounty Hunters”, IG88 doesn’t even get to be part of the space shenanigans going on in the rest of the event.

  The assassin droid turned bounty hunter earns its second banana status even in its own comic book.

 Being a droid must suck! Being a bounty hunter droid before Boba Fett took a Sarrlac sabbatical must suck even more.

 

Things tangential to the work but I couldn’t fit in organically…

 

The pic was taken in my bathroom which is totally decorated in Star Wars!

IG88 is my second favorite bounty hunter after Fett.

Dengar is a close third.

I reviewed a porn parody starring, believe it or not, Dengar a few years ago for my “Adult Continuity” column. Read it here.

I have a theory about a connection between Crosshair from “The Bad Batch” and Dengar. Namely that they are the same person. It seems like a Filoni flex TBH.

There are probably people that want to be ravished by Bossk on fetlife, jus sayin.

 Valance is from waaaaayyyy early Marvel Star Wars comics, like he popped up shortly after Boba Fett was announced. Vader killed him around issue 12, I think.

 Disney and Lucasfilm said that the expanded universe was not canon. What they should’ve said is “…except for the stuff that works or we like!” Which is the reason Valance and Thrawn are still hanging around. So is Jax, the 8 foot tall green humanoid rabbit (at least in the comics) but the Sun crusher, Rokur Gepta or IG88 being uploaded into the Death Star 2 is, thankfully, no longer canon.

 A suspicious and strange omission is Myra Jade. Now that we got deep fake Luke running around in the TV shows, is Jade a possibility?

 IG88, more like IP88! Ha!

 To be clear, the assassin droid /bounty hunter turned nanny for Grogu in season 1 of “The Mandalorian” was IG11! Further adding insult to IG88’s status.

 I am planning a “Season’s end” for “Book of Boba Fett” in a few. Should be interesting.

 Here are my Cultural Junkdrawer’s Season’s end for Wandavision pt 1 & part 2 and The Flash!

 

Sorry I’ve been away for so long! Day job has been all consuming!

 

Next: Who knows!

Later: See “Next”

 

Anytime Costumes

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