COMICS ON THE CAN
ASSult on AVN 2018 PT:3
ATTACK OF THE CAMGIRLS!
Check out Adult Continuity PT 1: Sex Dolls and Concrete
Cultural Junkdrawer PT 2: THE FUTURE!
Both of my longtime readers will note that I have been promising a Black Panther review for at least a year. WIth the Black Panther movie making a Kajillion dollars this weekend it seems to make sense to do my review finally.
I’ve never been much for making sense.
Also the recap of AVN expo has gone on a bit longer than I originally thought and since I was touting this as a crossover extravaganza the recap has poured over into my third column.
There is no organic connection between adult Disneyland and comics so I figured I’ll do a mash-up of the last part of the AVN recap and my review of The New 52: Justice League #23: Trinity War part 6 of 6: Prelude to Forever Evil: Piranha 2:The Spawning: Cover price $3.99: but I got it for $1 in the back issue bin.*
For those of you who have never read Comics on the can but have somehow found yourself here from my other columns it works like this; I read a comic while in the bathroom… making doody, sometimes pee pee too, and then write about it and whatever else crosses my mind at the time. I’ve combined two of my favorite activities and spun gold out of the dross of physical necessity. In these days of extremely lowered expectations that’s an achievement. I await my soft drink endorsement deal.
The 2018 AVN/ANE expo gathers together members of the adult business from across the globe: Performers, Producers, Manufacturers, Distributors, cutting edge tech and shapers of the future to trade knowledge, business cards, currency, and (in some cases) bodily fluids. It’s a fun time.
Justice League #23 gathers together members of the DC comic universe from across multiple titles: Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, John Constantine (?) to trade blows, exposition, quips, treachery and (in one case) a Kryptonite shard. It’s a bombastic cluttered time.
The most crowded day of the show; wall to wall people checking out wall to wall Porn Stars, cam girls, toys, promotional material, more cam girls, VR demos, cosplayers and also cam girls. By 2025 I estimate that no less than 85% of young women will be putting themselves through community college by camming. There is no shame in this by the way; women have their own agency, master the hustle game and a large majority have geeky tendencies, Further proof that I was born about a decade and a half too soon.
Steampunk Elf women: My teen fantasy #26a
I love the cam girl aesthetic; geek culture trappings like rebel logo tats, colored hair, glasses, skimpy clothes and cute backpacks. If it wasn’t for the Myfreecams swag scattered about and all these lovely girls posing for people on computer screens and the sad desperate people wandering around in the aisles instead of behind artist alley tables I’d think I was at SDCC.
Speaking of comics; this Trinity War thing opens with the villain monologuing about how his whole history is now retconned to fit the plot twist. “It all started millions of years ago when the earth was young, things were pretty boring for the first couple million years; just fish and shit. So I’ll fast forward to the beginning of the NEW 52 and loosely recap the last five years…” This is a geek fandom trapping: the surprise, barely works if you don’t think about it too much in context, twist. Which presents like “this was the plan all along” but is really “We came up with this about six months ago… Look, shit explodes!” The issue toys with this reveal. I assume the villain in the shadows was a prime mystery for this epic storyline and thus carries great emotional weight. It doesn’t. Since I’m dropping in on issue 6 of 6 I don’t know so I’m just gonna (like a lot of performers do in the scenes they shoot in various Airbnb** spots across Vegas during the show) whip it out!
I know I should’ve said “Spoiler alert” because this was in a comic that was printed over five years ago working off continuity that is no longer canon and you might not have read it and was going to one day, maybe. Sorry to ruin your day and life.
Plus it’s way stupid.
Also Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!
Gosh I’m a dick.
Speaking of dicks back to AVN.
I’ll be honest I wasn’t in the mood to deal with being trapped in narrow corridors with hundreds of mooks desperately scrambling for an autograph after waiting in line for an eternity. Thankfully I wasn’t at SDCC but it was pretty crowded at the AVN expo too. So I just played my favorite slot machine “Race Ace” a cute Kart racing themed slot machine featuring adorable knock-off animals. Sorta like the generic kids cereal you see next to the Captain Crunch: Zebra flakes, Ocelot puffs and Gorilla munch***
You have to go to Circus Circus for the Super Mario Kart Slot machines
When you get the bonus you can do a kart race. This works for me because Kart racing is one of two things I’m really good at****. At one point I got the race bonus just as a cocktail waitress was asking me if I wanted a drink. I ignored her and played the race. I came in first place winning a thirty five dollar bonus. The waitress cheered startling me. She said she’d never seen that in a game before. It was a bonding moment*****.
Blam had a breakfast date with a nice lady from the show that he had been chatting up over the week. Sure it might’ve cost him but as I never got tired of saying while we were hanging out “This is the time where we can do fun grown up stuff with a clean slate; drink, carouse, gamble, go bowling with topless adult entertainers at two AM, pay for the company of a beautiful woman******, KISS mini-golf, etc. So more power to him. I actually had pizza with my girlfriend across the street from the casino. Which was pleasant with the exception that she was full on infected with the AVNflu which is like NYCC flu or con crud but you don’t get it from a 350 pound gender swapped Starfire coughing on you.
4pm rolled around and that was Blam and my call time to help with the red carpet. All day Hard Rock hotel event personnel had been prepping the red carpet which was long, wide and slightly curved. Penetrating the pulsing depths of the casino. Much like a… I can’t really think of a proper metaphor so I’ll just say snake*******.
I was rocking the all access AVN VIP pass which meant that when I walked the red carpet looking official and crew like I had that Kill Bill music playing in my head, except for a few minutes where I had “Tom’s diner” from Suzanne Vega stuck there********.
This year we had the extra wrinkle of having to move the red carpet lineup from the Magic Mike theater entrance after the first hour to the rear entrance of the casino. Yes, heard people giggle at that DOZENS of times.
I don’t get it.
The JL story has a lot of moving around in it, essentially the whole book is a wacky chase scene with Pandora’s box as the Mcguffin. Everyone is scrambling to get/keep away from someone else the box which looks like a golden skull with three eyes. Which is a bit on the nose if I was being honest but hey, subtlety is for comics like SAGA, OK! The box is leaking evil and everyone is succumbing to it except Constantine and, of course, Batman. Nothing is making a whole lot of sense even with a female version of the Atom explaining things like how she put a microscopic sliver of kryptonite in Superman’s brain and infected Cyborg with a virus. It’s a lot of info to process with the added cacophony of people punching people through walls and Alfred monologuing in the captions.
Talk about cacophony! Try herding a plethora of camgirls onto the red carpet while pointing other performers who were showing up early and needed to be at the rear entrance. Oh hell; I just got that joke. That’s funny. I was rocking the Beetlejuice outfit I bought for Halloween which might’ve undercut an amount of my red carpet authority but won points with a lot of those cam girls (who’d guess that the girl with a full arm Jack and Sally tattoo would also be a Beetlejuice fan).
My job on the main line up was to bring up the rear, funnel people into the proper lines and be the cut off guy when the time came. It sounds dirtier than it is, like Gorilla Munch. Blam got pastie patrol. Pasties are stickers that cover women’s exposed nipples much in the way Janet Jackson’s nipples were not in that notorious Superbowl performance. As far as I know men can still show all the nipple they want. We still have a long way to go, I guess. This was a highlight in Blam’s already highlight filled trip. To use the parlance of junior high in the 80’s; He was stoked!
One thing about red carpet for the AVN awards, and I’m sure this is the case for ANY red carpet line up, is that people who need to do the red carpet as part of their career strategy put very little effort into reading the directions. When to be in line, what body parts you can and can’t expose, how their friend who should’ve been in the first line at 4PM can’t walk with them. Any system is flawed simply because human beings are involved but take that basic flawed and multiply that by a factor of ten and you get what it’s like for spacey entertainment types.
To add to the fun there was a lone guy with a comically paranoid/ scattershot “Repent ‘cause God hates fags” type sign speaking through a portable intercom system. The result was something like if one of Charlie Brown’s teachers had joined the Westboro Baptist Church. Funny for the first thirty minutes, grating for the next hundred and homicide inducing for the last fifty.
“Spiritual Whoredom”, like comedy, comes in threes! Bad structure, insane person!
Just to check I asked the last batch of red carpet walkers if they felt Spiritual Whoredom was among them. The response was “Nah, just regular whoredom, we are porn stars after all!”.
Surprisingly the whole thing went smoother than the red carpet ever had (i’ve done several). Sherri, Blam and I were able to fit in a nice dinner before the show started up.
‘Smooth” is not how I would describe the action in this JL book. Since the whole thing just rolls into the next big event book with the CRIME SYNDICATE or evil alternate universe Justice League. There seems no time to take stock of the situation. This book was fine but with everything turned up to eleven. I assume Geoff Johns and crew were taking cues from Zack Snyder’s style. By the way did you know Batman was Bruce Wayne, not Lil’ Wayne?
The AVN awards kicked off with musical guest Lil’ Wayne. I’ll admit I’m not up on his catalog but him doing this was a big deal. I’ll hand it to him; he knows how to bring the noise! Wayne (Lil not Bruce) and his DJ did two songs and the crowd was lit! I couldn’t understand a word; his flow is fast, weird and nasal but had a lot of energy. People were up and dancing! That’s charisma; when people don’t kow what the hell you’re saying but are still digging it.
Comedian Aries Spears was the comedy host and between keeping the show moving and the very funny pre recorded skits (including a great meta skit about a pizza delivery guy getting upset that the pizza is going to waste)*********. The laughs came easy.
The two biggest winners this year were Angela White and Justice League XXX an Axel Braun parody.
Angela won an amazing fourteen awards including Best Female performer, Solo/tease scene, Boy/girl scene, Group sex scene, Double Penetration scene, most spectacular boobs, most amazing sex toy (fleshlight which I do recommend) and best editing.
If you’re curious as to why this remarkable woman swept, here is a picture of Angela White…
I know it’s not the American flag! I’m still saluting!
You now might have an idea as to why she slayed this year.
Justice League, or as I call it “The DC Pornoverse” won for Director, Director – Feature, Best Parody, Special effects, make-up, art design and marketing campaign. Which is seven more awards than the mainstream Justice League will ever win if we don’t count the Razzies. I seriously enjoyed it. SO much that I did an Adult Continuity on it HERE.
Speaking of Justice League – Issue #23 was a hot mess and not just because I’ve come into the sixth of a six issue story. It took me two readings to figure out that Alfred was the traitor. It’s got bombast and I always add points for sheer bombast, but really despite pretty great art the kinetic and cluttered sense of composition made it pretty exhausting to read this comic. I’m sure fans liked it but I felt overwhelmed and empty after reading it. Empty because of the frantic pacing and exposition heavy dialogue not because I had eaten a chili con carne burrito ultimo the night before.
I was sad that Star Wars Underworld a XXX parody didn’t grab any awards because I felt it was the strongest competitor to JLXXX but that’s show biz.
Other assorted winners: Best New Starlet – Jill Kassidy (though I felt Honey Gold deserved that spot), Best Comedy: Jews love black cock (I don’t make em up I just report it), Best Foreign Feature – Bulldogs (a cracklin fun movie if I do say so myself), Most outrageous sex scene – “Now that’s one place to put an AVN Award” from Viking Girls Gone Horny (do I really need to add anything here). Following up on the camgirl thread – Catjira won for best Camming Cosplayer and best Camgirl to fight Ghidorah. Best Camgirl went to Kati3Kat who is either a total cat geek or a dubstep DJ.
The full list of winners is HERE. Just in case you want to know who won for best Lube manufacturer (SPOILERS it was Wicked Sensual care. Told you I was a dick)
Little Wayne did a few more songs ending in the now traditional “Dance of the starlets” where all the ladies get up on stage and shake their groove thang.
There I am… on the left.
Of course there were after parties. Blam and I got all access wristbands. I bowed out and chilled with my girlfriend. Blam was never heard from again.
Went home, slept, caught up on Agents of Shield**********.
Sorry that’s it.
If I do this next year I’ll keep it to just one column. I don’t want to tire you guys out.
NEXT: Black Panther (I don’t think I can push it to the sequel… maybe till Avenger: Infinity war)
Later: X-Club, maybe.
Things tangential to the main column that I couldn’t fit in organically
* I originally was going to review this to coincide with the Justice League movie but the less said about that movie the better.
** It’s gotten so common for the AIrbnb scenes that a “no shooting porn in my fucking vacation home” provision is in a lot of Airbnb contracts now, right after the carpet stain clause. I assume it’s because you don’t want to see a ten guy one girl ATM gang bang taking place in your living room when you are watching ATM gang bang porn in your living room… knowing you missed out and wondering about your upholstery.
*** Gorilla Munch does sound like a disgusting sex act. Like you’d find a group dedicated to gorilla munching on fetlife. Sadly it’s just a peanut butter cereal knock-off.***a
***a If there is a fetish known as gorilla munch I don’t know a thing about it, nor do I want to.
**** The other is sandwich making, FYI. My parents are proud.
***** That one machine in Hard Rock is the only Race Ace I’ve found and I spent a good deal of last year’s family vacation in Vegas looking for another. If you know of one drop me a tweet at @logos728
****** At substantially lower rates than our current “President” paid btw.
******* A trouser snake that is! Yuck yuck! Ok; it’s a dick joke, fine.
******** Now it’s stuck in your head too.
********* The skits won’t be up online till Showtime broadcasts the show so keep an eye peeled.
********** Damn has this been a great season or what!
Oh yeah, Justice League XXX does give the 2018 AVN Awards a comic book connection (head slap).