The only clean picture I could find.
ADULT CONTINUITY
Issue 22
This ain’t Fallout XXX
(Pt 2 of the apocalypse trilogy)
Welcome post apocalyptic survivor!
Before you set off into the wasteland as a quasi messianic legendary warrior like Mad Max, John Connor or Kevin Costner we here at the last outpost of humanity need you to do something. An act that is as vital to saving humanity as participating in a high speed car chase across the desert, finding the McGuffin to fix the world or (to a much lesser degree) delivering the mail.
We need you to review a porn parody!
In this post apocalyptic world of scarcity, 8 foot tall cockroaches and killer robots we only have a limited amount of energy… and human biomass… to spend on watching porn. So we need to be selective.
Since you are the chosen one; the man who has a near magical combination of film production savvy, geek knowledge and access to a stupefying quantity of adult movies it is essential to your story arc that you come to terms with your emotional trauma through helping a band of nobel survivors that just want the good stuff to fap to!
It’s either that or clean out the telepathic spider roach pens.
Just watch this one porn parody and one more to complete the trilogy you promised to do so many many months ago. And then you can go about your business of wandering the wasteland searching for punks wearing leather chaps, a guitar that shoots flame from its neck… and redemption.
Hey gang! Match the line with the corresponding famous apocalypse or post apocalypse property
1 “On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage, would survive!”
2. “I wanted a mission. And for my sins they gave me one.”
3.“Soylent green is people!”
4.“When there is no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth!”
5. “My job isn’t to believe or disbelieve. It is to act or not act!”
6. “As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for John. It was just a question of which one would reach him first.”
7. “There was an accident. About an hour ago, a small jet went down inside New York City. The President was on board.” “The president of what?”
- “And if you tell my heart/ My achy breaky heart/ He might blow up and kill this man!”
- “Make america great again!”
- “Disaster and plague nearly wiped out the world as you know it!”
You can find the answers in the bottom section. Except fr the last one which is part of the opening of This ain’t Fallout XXX (this is a parody).
Not exactly a classic. In fact, not even by a long shot! And that’s taking into account the notoriously lax standards of your typical porno parody. Standards which are so low they rank just slightly above the “Movies” of Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer and Dinesh D’Souza.
The parody opens with a monologue about how the world came to an end. Writer Wayne Hentai (not his real name) chooses to tailor the apocalypse to the needs of the parody. Instead of nuclear war like in the game it’s disease and natural disasters that nearly wiped out the human population. I’m not saying that Hentai is prescient but it’s kinda creepy how this was written in 2016. Survivors went into vaults and hid there for a generation. Now the need to repopulate the planet is the objective of the vault dwellers.
Which in porn rationale means creampie shots!
We get an extended sequence in first person view where the main character finds vibrators scattered about the vault. The idea is a cute send up of the item search loop for a lot of video games. But like a lot of “This ain’t Fallout XXX” the fall down happens in execution. The vibe continuously feels like padding instead of playful.
This feeling of padding becomes even more prevalent during extended scenes of Tyler Nixon, the nameless “protagonist”, wandering around the train yards of downtown LA to slight music. Nixon has one dust up with two raiders, who are played by a pair of production assistants, that if you blinked you’d miss it and just assume he was still walking around filling in time.
Now this could be a commentary about the travel time experienced in the game but I don’t think so. The game has the understanding that you need to do SOMETHING every once in a while. Tossing a mega- tarentula or whatnot at you every so often.
Just to be clear I’m not knocking the parody for not having a budget to make things exciting. I’m knocking the parody for not making things exciting. Nixon walks around with a huge bag of vibrators, tries and fails to open roll up doors. Then walks through the regular door right next to it. This happens at least twice. He ducks some chain link fence, goes into another warehouse. Ostensibly he’s looking for the “Viberator Cult” as his mission but it just seems like he’s getting his steps in.
Two members of this Vibrator cult are Dahlia Sky and Layla Price and they spend a chunk of time cleaning guns in a montage before it finally becomes the girl/girl scene it was always intending to be. Eventually Nixon walks in on them and because the rules of porn engagement are in effect even after the apocalypse, they have a three way. The bags of dildos are stolen by other cult members Kleio Valentien and Ana Foxx and they use some in a girl/girl scene.
That’s it. Apart from a weird, moderately funny post credit scene between Nixon and Dick Chibbles which goes on a bit too long.
There is some decent production design. The vault sets have a decent eye for how the game looks. The locations have the virtue of looking, if not post apocalyptic, at least interesting to the eye. The sex scenes vary in intensity and quality. Nixon has no presence but his junk does the job. Only Kleio and Ana’s scene really comes alive. The blue jump suits the guys wear and lack of underwear in the post apocalyptic wasteland leaves little to guess about their religions. But this is porn you’re gonna find out sooner or later anyway.
I’m not one of the world’s biggest “Fallout” fans so I’m not sure the pacing isn’t deliberate. But the material might’ve been better served if it was pared down a bit for pacing. If they needed a set amount of time for putting it on a DVD they should’ve paired it with another video game porn parody. I’m sure Hustler could’ve knocked off “Grand Theft Auto” or even a “Tetris” send up.
I feel like because we’re still in our own little apocalypse I should treat you guys to the Maitland Ward Andrea White photo. So here you go!
Wouldn’t you like to be the meat in this sexy yet incongruent sandwich?
THINGS TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN WORK BUT I COULDN’T”T FIT IN ORGANICALLY!
I know I said this trilogy was going to be one a month but I got sidetracked! I wrote a novel. It’s in the revision stages right now.
Andre Madness (not his real name) directed, DP’d, camera operated and edited the production. Auteurism does not carry the same weight or credibility as it does in mainstream media.
When I say DP’d I mean director of photography not double penetration.
Though He’s probably done that too.
The Apocalypse IP quotes are as follows:
- The Road Warrior
- Apocalypse Now (not really an apocalypse movie but the word is in the title)
- Soylent Green (sorry bout the spoilers)
- Dawn of the dead
- Akira
- Terminator 2
- Escape from New York
- Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
- Donald tRump
- This ain’t Fallout XXX
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the “Directors” of such crimes against cinema as Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Vampires Suck, Scary Movie and Date Movie. Passing off dated pop culture references as lazy, tepid writing and poorly executed slapstick. The series was notable for how consistently bad each one was, even with funny people in them, and the speed with which the dvds would go to the cut out bin at Best Buy.
Dinesh D’Souza – The wanna be Goebbels of the Trump administration but without any evidence that he, as a non-white man, thought it through.
Dick Chibbles has a scene with a girl named Ziggy Star. She looks cute but the real points come from the stage name.
If you’re not aware of what “Creampie” means in pron vernacular… do the math. It should be easy to figure out.
There is a running “Joke” through the parody that the production can’t even be bothered to keep adherence to: a ‘No kissing’ rule due to everyone eating cockroach meat.
The joke isn’t really funny. It was more of a limping joke TBH.
It might’ve been put in there because of the massive cold sore male lead Tyler Nixon was rocking at the corner of his mouth.
The sound guy’s name was Frank Armitage. I’m guessing it was not his real name and even further I’ll say he’s a fan of the movie ‘They Live!”
Director John Carpenter used that alias for his writing credit on “They Live” for some reason I forgot.
NEXT TIME (and sooner, I promise) the third movie in the Apocalypse trilogy!
