Adult Continuity Issue 21:
The Walking Dead – A hardcore parody!
(part one of the Adult Continuity Apocalypse Trilogy)
Directed by: Joanna Angel and Tommy Pistol
Written by; Tommy Pistol
It’s over… it has been for some time now. Civilization collapsed so fast due to the Porn Zombie invasion! I mean, I woke up in my hospital room after the big toenail outpatient surgery to an empty city… ghostly in its silence! My wife, whom I had left in Dr. Molkavi’s waiting room reading Golfer’s digest, had disappeared along with the rest of human civilization! I stumbled out into downtown Silmar to see wrecked cars, dead national guardsmen, burning dumpsters and the nearby Chinese food, doughnuts and vape supplies place had been looted and vandalized. I gaped in utter confusion while I stood among the half-eaten old fashions and dragon decorated to go containers. How could all this happen in under two hours?
My life has been utterly changed since that fateful trip to the podiatrist! I teamed up with a group of ethnically diverse survivors made up of a latino uber eats delivery guy, a pair of identical twin gymnasts versed in parkour and kung fu, a talking orangutan recently escaped from a secret underground government facility in Pacoima… who can shoot fireballs, yeah he can talk and shoot fireballs from his hands, a charismatic hillbilly biker dude with daddy issues and a cool as fuck african american woman that weilds a Klingon Bat’leth.
This week we also have guest star Eric Estrada.
Together we have roamed the San Fernando Valley, fighting warlords, feral cats and porno zombies. We struggle to reestablish human civilization… possibly with a few more safeguards in place this time… find bananas for Mr RootyToot and discover the origins/cure for the porno zombie plague. Just this week we think we found a vital piece to the puzzle! While we were searching the blown out offices of AVN Magazine Bubba and Pedro came across information implying that the zombie plague was started by people watching bad porn parodies! Most of the information was destroyed when the insane warlord “The Comptroller” and his gang of crazed followers, who wear paint buckets over their heads. attacked. If it wasn’t for Eric Estrada’s brave sacrifice we never would’ve gotten out alive.
Now, faced with the knowledge that bad porn parodies are responsible, my ad-hoc family and I have to add “Write reviews” to our ever growing list of survival tasks. So that’s what I do, now; write reviews of porn parodies in my daily struggle for survival. Putting them up on the last geek centric website for the survivors of this dreadful apocalypse to protect themselves. Maybe I’ve learned a little about what I’m made of in this brave new world also. I never thought I was capable of smashing in the head of another human being with a baseball bat modified with iron nails and barbed wire. That was till a zombified human being came charging at me, sunken, dead eyes, swinging bloody limbs reaching for me screaming “OMG! The Defenders parody was sooooooooooooo awful!” in a hideous demonic shriek!
Besides I can’t do another “Comics on the can” column till Inga and Tilda come back from their scavenging mission with toilet paper.
Remember when “The Walking Dead” was just fiction? Remember a time when the surviving members of the human race weren’t cowering inside their homes in fear of a society that had collapsed due to mindless zombies destabilizing the foundations of our society, religious fanatics obsessed with doomsday, a once proud and working central governing body now decimated by greed, rank incompetence and lorded over by petty dictators clutching at power to the detriment of every citizen?
Yeay, I can remember before 2017 also.
“The Walking Dead: A hardcore parody” dropped at a time where porn parodies were expanding out from their superhero success into all sorts of IPs. This was a katana sharp edge to walk for a few reasons.
First was the budget. Seeing as how the majority of a porn’s production money usually goes to wet wipes, the budgetary limitations of the zombie apocalypse would logically handicap any parody attempt. At least to do a parody well that is. Buuuuuut, quality has never really been one of the core goals for most porn production companies. So that shouldn’t get in the way. Second, let’s also consider that, aside from a few sick bastards, flesh eating zombies just aren’t that sexy! Conventional wisdom, then, would also dictate that doing a porno of The Walking Dead is just not a good idea. Buuuuuut, attaining wisdom (conventional or otherwise) has never really been one of the core goals of most porn production companies either.
Still a “The Walking Dead” porn parody was unavoidable! Aside from “Game of Thrones” I’d be hard pressed to come up with another TV show that had captured the zeitgeist so thoroughly. To be honest I’m surprised that there was only ONE parody of the hit TV show/cultural touchstone floating around out there. It made sense, on paper at least, to take a stab at doing a parody. It perhaps made even more sense to Joanna Angel. The Walking Dead seemed to dovetail with her well cultivated punk aesthetic. Or, at the very least, adjacent to it. Zombies are, at the core, pretty punk rock regardless of the mainstream inroads. If you couldn’t get around the inherent unsexiness of decaying flesh shambling around at least you could be closer to an audience that wouldn’t be so put off by it.
The parody side of the equation shouldn’t be so hard; the tropes and sensibilities thoroughly established by the zombie genre in general and TWD in particular were ripe for send-up. Then add in Tommy Pistol, a reliable source of finding funny in most any type of scenario, to write and perform in it and you’re gonna get as good as you can probably get. Joanna Angel has a decent track record of not taking herself so seriously also. All things considered the tricky balancing act of parodying zombie tropes, capturing the buzz of the TV show and having one or two hot scenes at least should’ve been in reach.
Sadly TWDaHP falls pretty flat. Especially considering the pedigree involved. This might be weird to say but the parody doesn’t go far enough. TWD is a lot of things: horror, action, melodrama, a meditation on mankind’s ability to be monstrous, a barely subliminal ad for underarm deodorant. Considering the limitations of porn budgets; the family melodrama is really the only card that can be reasonably played. With funny people like Tommy and Joanna I expected more jokes or at least a pace that was comic. The droning rhythm of the line readings could be, if I was feeling charitable, called a performance choice. People, generally only have a few emotional modes in TWD so possibly the performances in TWDaHP reflect that. Buuuuuuuut, if I was feeling more realistic I’d chalk the lack of energy to not having enough time to do more than shooting the rehearsal. The story is almost non-existent; the love triangle between Laurie, Rick and Shane (Tommy Gunn) becomes a three way, because porn logic. Carl’s (Wolf Hudson) desire to find his girlfriend, Sophia (Sierra Cure), only goes as far as “She wants me to put a dildo in her ass!” which, to be fair, porn logic too. Andrea (Kleio) has a G/G scene with Michonne (The always welcome Skin Diamond) who then disappears from the story entirely. As does Daryl (Owen Gray) after his three way with some zombie chicks.
Oh yeah, zombies die if they swallow cum because, porn logic.
There just doesn’t seem to be much energy to go around. Pistol downplays Grimes giving the only conceivable justification for me thinking it was a performance choice. Joanna’s scene with Pistol and Gunn is professional but I’ve seen her really giving her (considerable) all in other productions so this just isn’t up there in rankings.
It isn’t all tepid. The makeup done by, get this, Melissa Makeup is pretty darn good considering the budget was probably whatever they could get from a carload of soda cans at the recycling center. The zombie make-up was effective enough to not be a turn on even during the oral scenes (a mixed blessing there). The collection of non-fucking zombies are decent enough and evoke the lo-fi aesthetic of classic zombie movies. Sunny Malone edits around the zombie killing shortcoming as well as could possibly be hoped for. Finally there are a few zingers. Carl: Sophie wants me to put dildos in her ass.
Rick: That’s a special kinda girl, Carl. You don’t put a girl like that on the short bus you let her sit on your lap while you drive.
or
Laurie to Rick: You need to let go of the past!
Rick: It happened ONE MINUTE ago!
I expected a decent amount from “The Walking Dead: A hardcore parody” and, to my disappointment, it failed to deliver. The overall vibe just felt not as much unable to achieve ambition but more like not having enough. Much like the TV show it’s ostensibly parodying; I lost interest halfway through.
Thoughts tangential to the column that I couldn’t fit organically into it.
This is the first of a planned Adult Continuity “Apocalypse Trilogy” because… I don’t know exactly why the end of civilization has been on my mind a lot lately.
A different option I considered instead of the Klingon Bat’leth was the Aztec Macuahuitl…
The Aztec macuahuitl looked like a cricket bat decorated for an Sewercide concert. However, the edges of the long wooden weapon were outfitted with pieces of sharpened obsidian. This was guaranteed to fuck up your day!
Maybe it’s just me but zombies aren’t sexy. I doubt I’d even find Bianca Beauchamp in zombie face THAT hot.
This is Bianca as Vampirella. That’s totally different!
Still, if you’re into that sorta thing, I’m not judging… much.
Come to find out there was a different porn parody of The Walking Dead featuring a much sought after Daryl and Michonne scene. I’ll try and track that down!
For research reasons, of course.
You know you’re in the high end porn production when the craft service has trail mix portioned out in snack size plastic baggies. I’m sure only Axel Braun, Brad Armstrong and Kaden Kross could command that level of snacks.
Tommy Pistol is the natural choice to play John Finlay in The Tiger King porn parody.
I felt that should be said because they look so much alike.
But now I’m also able to put Tiger King in my tags.
Usually I throw in Batman but who’s bigger than Batman right now?
Oh I guess I can put Batman in there too now.
Tommy Pistol, Tommy Gunn… too bad there isn’t male talent named Tommy Rocket Launcher.
Wait, the name of my first pet was Tommy and the street I grew up on was… damnit, I grew up on Flamethrower street.
TWDaHP answers the nagging question – what’s the difference between mainstream zombies and porn zombies? Mainstream zombies all body parts rot. Porn zombies only the face rots; tits and ass stay fine.
Sooner than later: Part two in my Apocalypse trilogy
Later than sooner: Part three. You’ll never guess what title I’ll be reviewing then…
