Adult Continuity Presents: ASSult on AVN Pt 1: Sex Dolls and Concrete!

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

ASSault on AVN 2018 Pt1: Sex Dolls and Concrete!
An Adult Continuity/ Cultural Junkdrawer crossover spectacular!

Warning some pictures are NSFW! Or for people who get upset seeing long turgid blue imp dicks.

Fair warning.

Every year sometime in mid to late January a large portion of industry professionals gather together in Sin City to celebrate their hard work, hype new innovations in their field, network, drink and carouse with old friends and acknowledge the cream of the crop in performance and technical categories.

No, I’m not talking about the “World of Concrete” conference. Though that was also going on in Vegas at the same time. I’m talking about the AVN Expo and awards show.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, the AVN Awards is basically the Oscars of porn.

Now I got your attention.

In a lot of ways the AVN Expo is similar to the much more popular and internationally covered ”World of Concrete” conference. There are professionals in their chosen field gathered together from around the world to discuss new techniques. WOC for example had the Concrete Polishing Luncheon & Forum (obviously I don’t need to get into the details of the finery of concrete polishing; we all know something about it.) while AVN had the “Riding the Storm Out” seminar about how adult stores deal with natural disasters and how to keep your business afloat if your customers are literally floating.**

WOC offers ACI certification while Performers attending AVN get STD tested.***

WOC displays and debuts equipment related to its industry, like the app enabled digital concrete mixer. AVN has the same though it’s more like this…

Wait this isn’t the WOC seminar on new mixing techniques?

WOC had this…


While AVN had this…

       Hmmm, did I forget to pack anything?

Essentially AVN is a trade show/fan convention: cheap cloth bags emblazoned with company logos, booth babes, and a chance for the fans to meet the objects of their fandom.

Personally the WOC fandom is pretty hardcore; riot police almost had to be called in during the 8000, Propane-Powered ride-on scraper demo.

Wednesday – My friend (hereafter referred to as Blam) and I get off our plane at McCarran international and catch an UBER to the convention. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “What do you think? It’s a little different than last year; I don’t recall seeing the ALUFLEX slab floor system being so prominently featured in the adult novelty area before but hey; different strokes, Ya’know.”
BLAM: “Who are all those guys brandishing metal bars at each other?”
ME: Oh, shit that UBER driver dropped us off at World of Concrete! Right in the middle of a REBAR RUMBLE! Shit is about to get real up in here, let’s bail!

One Lyft ride later…

HARD ROCK HOTEL and CASINO home of the 2018 AVN Expo!
Blam and I stand in line at the Goose Island bar which is doubling as registration. Blam and I are both helping out AVN this week and I’ve never had to stand in line to get my badge and gold wristband before. I can’t reach Sherri (Doctor Doctor, give me the news seminar) but I see Timothy. He’s too busy to talk or I highly suspect he just doesn’t want to. I find out that the AVN offices are over in the paradise tower so we go there. There are no passes or wristbands so it’s suggested we go to Goose island where the registration line has now doubled. Finally Sherri shows up. We are allowed past the security guard who now has a perfect understanding of English compared to when I was talking to him and get our badges and wristbands. Blam gets a gold one and after some badgering I get a silver one. I barely notice till Sherri mentions that the silver isn’t all access. Fortunately Sherri (my wonderful girlfriend if I didn’t mention) has a spare gold wristband. So now I feel extra special with both a gold and silver wristband. Sherri has to do another seminar (Lay the Law Down a legal seminar) and Blam and I are left to our own devices. More specifically other devices because we check out the ANE part of the show.

ANE is where all the toys and novelty items are being presented. Much more business like; it’s where vendors, retailers, and manufacturers all have booths and trade business cards.

This does not mean, though, that this isn’t fertile ground for comedy. A large majority of my photos (that I can show on a PG… OK, R with an explanation website) came from this area. First was the newest in kitchenware design…


 For a moment I thought I had somehow wandered into the WOC sex offender pavilion or David Lynch’s plumbing supply store. Nope; a French company designed this sink attachment modeled after a real live French woman. I’m not judging, really, I’m not, but unless I’m remodeling Harvey Weinstein’s bathroom I don’t see much call for this.

We did get free samples of this…


I’m 48 years old; I’m not gonna further complicate my already problematic and shame filled masturbation ritual with a biomass collection net. Though this might have some uses in DNA gathering for law enforcement. The cute mascot already looks like he belongs on a CDC billboard for safe sex.****

But the big thing this year was SEX DOLLS! Sex dolls everywhere! Big sex dolls…


Little sex dolls

Man shown for size comparison to doll. Man is NOT Woody Allen cruising for a date.

Demon sex dolls…

Weird thing is: enough people find this sexy to justify the expense of making it.

Riverdale sex dolls…

Up next on the CW: Riverdale or Supernatural, we’re not even sure anymore!

Even a sex doll designed by Vice President Mike Pence…

Technically, VEEP,  you COULD take it to dinner without your wife present…

There were so many sex dolls that, if through some sorcery or high concept sci-fi premise, they came to life the humans in the building would be screwed. Not in the good way either. Imagine if there was a Doctor Who episode where the Nestene reveal a rival planet but instead of living plastic it’s silicone!*****

There was even anime pillow sex dolls though I think that the silicone ones would look down upon their pillow sisters for being “soft” and only having one orifice.

A totally different meaning to “Fluff before use”.

 Other items we came across (excuse the pun) were massage chairs, bongs, a vibrating foot board that a nice Chinese lady insisted would help me lose weight. She coerced me onto it and it buzzed so intensely that I was worried that my teeth would rattle out. “Now just stay there for five minutes” she insisted but after one minute of being shook violently I begged off saying that the board loosened my insides and I had to go to the bathroom. Which wasn’t that much of a lie.

In fact in recent years there has been a rise in Chinese manufacturers appearing at these trade shows. Some are pushing their own designs, some pushing knock offs of American designs, all willing to dedicate their cities full of easily exploitable labor and lax environmental laws to making masturbation toys for us decadent westerners. At least that’s what the booth babe for “Sing Thai fun toys for people” told me.

For the longest time the bulk of the adult toys were designed, manufactured and distributed by five companies known collectively by the sinister moniker “The Founders”. They’re not bad by any stretch, in fact they have made some good products. I tell you this, though, if the occasion calls for an evil, shadowy organization in one of my works of fiction guess what name I’m gonna use.

 The Adult Novelty Expo really encompasses the breadth of human sexuality. There was every kind of dildo, vibrator, stroker, leather mask, latex, lingerie and lube you can imagine, several you couldn’t possibly and some you wouldn’t dare (see above drilldo picture). It is quite humbling and gives a sense of perspective that the latitude for crazy sex shit is a lot wider than you might think. And that there is a well established network of designers, manufacturers, retail (both chain and boutique) and customer base for it all. As the signs for the ANE show claimed “It’s the business of pleasure”.

This is a thought that occurs to me more than once through the course of my adventure.

This being Wednesday the AVN expo part wasn’t officially open yet but having all access we were able to walk the show floor as things were still being set up. There is an eerie and tense atmosphere to a convention show floor barren of attendees; I’m sure the Carmix people (booth C6735) over at WOC felt it while laying out brochures for their new 3500 TC model******. Like a calm before the storm. I did manage to gather some My Free Cams swag for the give away I’m planning on doing for this crossover event; lighters, lip balm, sunglasses all featuring the MFC green on a white field logo. Blam gathered several free condoms because, being his first time here, he was already falling victim to an unrealistic expectation of extreme and frequent sexual congress. I, being a veteran of such events, grabbed several packets of lube samples.

That evening we were made aware of a party in one of the penthouses for the novelty side of the show but featuring something dreadfully important to my business here at AVN: An open bar.

On our way to the party I saw, for the fourth time in the day, a dude that looked like Jesus dressed in pajamas walking the same corridor. This barely made a dent.

Legend tells of parties in the penthouse: sex shows, naked girls, decadence and salaciousness rivaling Ancient Rome. This party did have a hot tub and a stripper pole but the craziest it got was the host of the party (a dude) floating in the hot tub in a doughnut shaped floaty. The vivacious Karla Lane was fiending on best new starlet nominee Riley Nixon but outside of some boob grabbing on Karla’s part things stayed PG. Sherri had to make an appearance at this party. She introduced me to a couple from Houston. The husband is a first amendment lawyer (you’ve heard of the first amendment, right?) and the wife runs an adult boutique in the city.

 An adult boutique is a relatively new entity in the world of pleasure products. A retailer catering to a more mainstream crowd compared to the raincoat crew. This usually means classy decor like carpeting instead of linoleum, high end quality made pleasure products instead of blister packaging featuring a pic of Harry Reems in full 70’s porn mode and a “For Novelty use only” disclaimer hidden somewhere and workshops on sexual health instead of video booths.

 Despite cultivating an air of respectability my shop owner friend tells me she still met with a good amount of resistance from Houston gatekeepers.

I find it ironic that a state that is so enamored with firearms feels threatened by dildos. Which brings me to this:

Finally somebody figured out that sex and violence go together!

 Trigger Happy Toys figured out the center of a venn diagram containing Sex, Violence and Satire*********. My guess is that the founders of Trigger Happy Toys are big Cronenberg fans.

We did check out a private suite party that some cam girls led us to but that turned out to be something like a Showtime interpretation of what a frat party would be but with less nudity. So Blam and I returned to the penthouse party and drank some more.

 Throughout the night I searched in vain for any sign of WOC attendees crashing AVN. Turns out that most of the LVPD SWAT, several goats from Pahrump, and 95% of the city’s diet cola supply had a better view of the WOC shenanigans. Freakin off the leash, I tell you!

 I finished off the night around two thirty am in my girlfriend’s hotel room. I was so wound up from sensory overload that I couldn’t get to sleep till 5am. It was just like the good ole days at SDCC but with fewer gender swap Black Widows.

 Coming up in CULTURAL JUNKDRAWER: part two of the ASSult on AVN crossover spectacular: The AVN floor, a REAL penthouse party, Lloyd Kauffman and Lil Wayne!

Other thoughts that are tangential to the column but I couldn’t fit organically into the main text.
**I know that seminar bit should be funnier but yes; the name nicks from the R.E.O. Speedwagon song. Which in itself is pretty funny. In fact Sherri (my beloved girlfriend who puts the seminars together) named every seminar after a song including “Opportunities (let’s make lots of money)”, “Take a chance on me” and “Because I got high”. Clever gal that woman of mine.

***The adult industry is self regulating with a full panel of tests every 15 days and is very much a closed loop. A lot of care is taken to protect performer’s safety regardless of your puerile uninformed opinion, Rashida Jones and that petition collector in front of the supermarket tells you.

**** I’ve NEVER used a sock in my life BTW.

***** note to self for Doctor Who parody pitch! But maybe modify it to a weeping angels kind of thing!

****** From the brochure: “The Carmix 3500 TC speaks the language of design, innovation and advanced technology w/o forgetting the CARMIX cornerstones: Quality and reliability.”

Now that’s some gangsta ass shit right there!

********* You can support it on Indiegogo right now BTW!

No Responses

Leave a Reply

Animation/Anime Interviews Animation/Anime News Animation/Anime Reviews Film/TV Interviews Film/TV News Film/TV Review
Aladdin Press Conference
The Cast and Crew of ‘Aladdin’ Discuss Bringing the Animated Classic to Life

Rub the lamp three times and you just never know what...

Brightburn Review
‘Brightburn’ Review — Bad Superman Makes for Good Horror

What if Superman didn’t stand for the elusive ideals of truth,...

Aladdin Review
‘Aladdin’ Review — A Whole New Retread

Part of Disney’s ongoing plan for complete pop culture domination has...

Event News Event Reviews
Legion M CEO, Paul Scanlan Discusses Events at WonderCon

Legion M, the world’s first fan-owned entertainment company, has been moving...

All-New Voyage to the Other Side: A Paranormal Investigation Happening on the Queen Mary

On Saturday, March 30, 2019, actor Chad Lindberg (The Fast and...

Hop Aboard The Queen Mary for an Eggstravagant Easter Sunday Celebration April 21

From the Queen Mary – Long Beach, CA.   – Hop...

Enabled Gaming Gaming News Gaming Reviews
Taco Bell Xbox
The Newest Taco Bell Box is an Xbox – Your Chance to Win a Taco Bell Xbox

Taco Bell and Xbox are partnering up to give fans a chance...

Exclusive Track Premiere from Madden NFL 19!

(July 26, 2018 – Los Angeles, CA) – Lakeshore Records today...

Star Ocean Anamnesis
The Most Intuitively Fun Gameplay of Any Mobile RPG – Star Ocean Anamnesis Review

Star Ocean Anamnesis is hands down the most fun and intuitive gameplay...

Comic Creator Interviews Comic/Graphic Novel News Comic/Graphic Novel Reviews Manga News Manga Reviews Novel/Novella Author Interviews Novel/Novella News Novel/Novella Reviews
#DancingToTheWhiteHouse is a Conservative Political Comic Book Satire

Very rarely are political comics coming from a conservative stance and...

Stan Lee, the Co-Creator of the Marvel Universe, Dead at 95

According to reports earlier today, Stanley Martin Lieber aka Stan the...

Five Questions for Gary Morgenstein About ‘A Mound Over Hell’

Gary Morgenstein is a journalist, public relations expert and author with...

Apparel/Personal Maintenance News Apparel/Personal Maintenance Reviews Entertainment Product News Entertainment Product Reviews Food/Beverage Reviews Hardware News Hardware Reviews Mystery Box News Mystery Box Reviews
Blue Yeti Nano Microphone Review

We have been playing with the Blue Yeti Nano for a...

Wrestle Crate Pre-Christmas Unboxing

    Welcome to our first unboxing of Wrestle Crate, this...

Eagle Eyes
Protect Your Eyes with Eagle Eyes Glasses – Eagle Eyes TV Kit Review

Eagle Eyes TV Kit review – Feel the difference and get...

Arena Football Automotives MMA, Kick Boxing & Boxing Professional Wrestling
Frank Mir Faces Dan Severn at Josh Barnett’s ‘Bloodsport’

Tonight, April 4, 2019, UFC, Bellator and MMA veteran, Frank Mir...

Josh Barnett Discusses ‘Bloodsport’

On April 4, 2019, UFC, Strikeforce, Bellator, MMA veteran, metal head,...

Lion Fight 51 Full Results

February 16, 2018 – Los Angeles, CA – Lion Fight 51...

Adult Continuity Comics on the Can Cultural Junk Drawer Future Comic Rock Stars Is That Racist? Revisiting the Reviled THAT'S NOT ROTTEN! The B-Reel The Cantina Scene This Week in Crowdfunding What the HELL Did I just...?
Fantoy Comics Presents: Harry Potter & the new defense against the dark arts teacher Pt:1

Hogwarts gets yet another defense against the dark arts teacher!

Fantoy Comics presents: Harry Potter and the Moth Man cometh pt3 the Final Chapter!

More Mothman!

Adult Continuity Presents: Porno Pikachu pt 2: Gotta F*(% ’em all!

Porno Pikachu pt: 2

Gaming Uncensored Toon-In-Talk
Coastal Commoners Ep. 9 Happy Thanksgiving!

This week the Commoners discuss some race baiting issues that bothered...

Coastal Commoners Ep 8 – Saying Farewell to Stan Lee

This week the commoner’s say farewell to Marvel Comics legend, Stan...

Coastal Commoners Ep 7 Mid-Term Elections!

Oh the headaches of elections and what can go wrong. We...

Music Interviews Music News Music Reviews
Twin Peaks: The Return Vinyl Soundtrack
Mondo and Death Waltz Recording Company to Issue ‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ Soundtrack on Vinyl

The owls are not what they seem. The legendary show from...

They Live Vinyl Soundtrack
Death Waltz Records Has Awakened An Amazing Vinyl Edition of the ‘They Live’ Soundtrack

  It took the world long enough but it seems that...

They Live Vinyl Soundtrack
BUY! Mondo and Death Waltz to Reissue John Carpenter’s ‘They Live’ Soundtrack on Vinyl

Yesterday was the 71st birthday of the great John Carpenter and...