ADULT CONTINUITY
Issue #24
Man of Steel XXX
An Axel Braun Parody
(excerpt from a recent rant from gatekeeperneckbeard on the movies and comic website everythingsucks.com)
… and let me complain a bit about how much James Gunn has already fucked up the DCEU slate of films: 1 – Henry Cavill is out as Superman just weeks after it was announced that he was re-upped for more movies! 2 – He’s been running the DC movie slate for three weeks THREE WEEKS and he STILL hasn’t responded to my demand that there be a “Matter Eating Lad” movie! I mean, I sent 200 letters, all with different names and postmarks, to him telling him that he’s a moron for not making this movie! Some People! 3 – His pushing of a WOKE agenda in comic book movies! Doesn’t he know that only white males read comics and if you put icky females or just people that don’t look like me in movies I’ll hate it! You’d think that after I called him a “Moron cuck soyboy” on twitter he’d wise up! 4 – He’s not the genius, god in human form, Zack Snyder or keeping his dour, desaturated vision of these comic book characters the Snyderverse, so beloved by myself and 2 million bots! 5 – He has not said a word or greenlit anything about my long suffering shipping of Silver Banshee and Angle Man! The sexual tension between these two is blinding!
Mostly, though I’m pissed about Cavill. I mean he quit “The Witcher” and, according to the rumor I broke on my own website “remakethelastjedi.com”, passed on a cameo in the upcoming “Knuckles the Echidna” spin-off movie (which is gonna suck anyway) to keep doing Superman. Now he’s unemployed and no other human being in the entire world could play the Man of Steel except him!
Also, I hate HATE Riri Williams!
Sooooo, this turn of events at the Brothers Warner organization gave me the impetus to break out the ole box of smut from the garage and dust off “Man of Steel XXX – An Axel Braun Parody – The Spawning – part IV – the final chapter!” (From here on I’ll just call it MOS for simplicity’s sake).
I’ve covered other installment of what I call the “DC Pornoverse” in this column JUSTICE LEAGUE XXX, Suiscide SquadXXX, Superman vs Spiderman XXX and Batman vs SupermanXXX. I call it the DCPornoverse because there is continuity between the movies, consistency in casting and a sense of coherence that the mainstream counterpart seems only vaguely capable of.
For example Ryan Driller has been Supes/Clark Kent for every Braun production. I mean, he looks the part, has a boyish charm and is a pretty good actor to boot. He’d be a perfect Reeves Superman. Unfortunately, this is Snyder Superman: the one note Mr Driller is given to play Superman is “mopey”.
Granted he deserves to be bummed out when Lois Lane is killed in the Superman vs Batman XXX movie (spoilers) but before that? Gosh it must suck being handsome, indestructible, able to fly, have Wonder Woman on speed dial and have a cool mansion filled with alien gizmos at the north pole!
I guess I can’t fault Braun and co-writer Mark Logan for accurately capturing the emotional tone of the Snyderverse Man of Steel. But, also, they didn’t have to.
In fact you can see little glimmers of fun and mischief peek through in the screenplay: LOIS: “Where were you anyway?”
CLARK: “Stopping Lobo from blowing up the moon.”
Livewire (Sasha Knox) takes hostages in a radio station to smoke Supes out. She comments with disdain “Who wants to be a DJ for a country music station?” Then she forces the DJ to bone her ending in an electrifying climax which is a point she should leave off her tinder profile. After Lex Luthor (Bryn Pryor in one of the few DCPornoverse actor differences) catches Silver Banshee (Skin Diamond) blowing a comic accurate Angle Man (uncredited… can you blame the guy, he was playing Angle Man!) and she goes in for a kiss on Lex he stops her adding with snark “I know where those lips have been.”
But the mopey wins out. Superman goes to Dr Fate (fortuitous considering his appearance in “Black Adam” and magically removes his powers. Then hitchhikes back to smallville (in this universe in the desert on the way to Vegas ?!?!) to crash on Lana (Samathana Ryan) Lang’s couch. Lana doesn’t even get the steel of the man for her troubles.
I get that the depowered Superman is a thing and creates stakes but I just scratch my head that not one person in his inner circle, not Lois, not Dr Fate, not Martian Manhunter (who was that pizza delivery guy in the sex scene with Cheetah and Killer Frost, I suspect) says to the sullen Superman “You stopped Lobo from blowing up the fucking MOON! Nobody else can fucking do that for crissakes! The World needs Superman! Cowboy up ya pansy!”
These millennials, I swear!
Lex, unaware that his standard “Superman makes humans irrelevant” chestnut is rendered moot, genetically engineers Bizarro (Billy Glide) to go kill the Man of Steel. After Bizarro forces himself on Lana, Kent figures out that, yeah, it’s probably better for everyone involved if I was Superman! He gets help (and around the world) from Zatanna (Kendall Karson) and repowers in time to zap the messed up clone into the phantom zone.
The movie ends with Supes still ditching Lois but remaining the Man of Steel… and boning Wonder Woman off screen.
As expected, everything looks great: Comic accurate costumes from Angle Man to Zatanna, Supes gets both the blue/red and the black costume. It’s interesting how Zatanna’s costume has always looked like she was wearing a “Sexy magician” costume from Spirit Halloween stores. But it’s comics accurate. It’s also interesting how poorly a blue bodysuit pairs with a golden belt and helmet. (Doctor Fate) which is also comics accurate.
I did watch the non-sex version (40 minutes). Comparably the sex version has a 100 extra minutes of just boning. The pairings are odd: Livewire and radio DJ, Silver Banshee and Angle Man, Lana Lang and Lois Lane, Bizzaro and Lana, Superman and Zatanna. Supes and Wonder Woman start the action but never show it (even in the sex version) and only the Bizarro/Lana has any bearing on the plot. As great as it is to watch Skin Diamond do what she does so well, the sex seems tacked on, like an afterthought. But since I’m not judging this by that metric, take what you will from that tidbit.
From the metric I AM judging, this Braun movie is at the usual level but, apart from a few funny lines, there was no real sense of joy or fun to be found in Man of Steel XXX.
And that is probably the most accurate thing this parody gets in relation to the mainstream version.
Stuff I couldn’t fit in the main text but still needs to be said (I guess)
Yeah, it’s been over a year since I last did one of these. I’ve been really busy with my day job!
I am stunned STUNNED that there isn’t really a website “everythingsucks.com”
Ok, Cavill isn’t Superman anymore, he had a good run, more than most! He’ll be fine.
I get mopey Superman. Imagine Luthor buying Facebook for billions, making it sentient, then it rampages and levels half of Metropolis till Superman stops it. Then having half the people on social media praise Luthor because he’s a billionaire and an “Innovator” and call the whole thing a “Hoax of the liberal media”. That would sour me on helping out anti-vaxxers and MAGAts.
But then, if I was Superman, I’d have pulled Lex Luthor’s head off and kicked it into the sun years ago.
I find it sad but unsurprising about the “Fan outcry” over Gunn’s first few moves as head of the DC movies. These are, after all, the same mooks who feel empowered because they got the “Snyder Cut” after years of whining and bot roots movement.
Truth is that Warner Discovery is a fucking dumpster fire floating down a flooded street. I’ll be surprised if Zaslav isn’t planning on parting out the whole company, selling it off, creating a massive golden parachute for himself and bailing long before Gunn’s twisted sensibilities gives us a “Lobo” or “Matter Eating Lad” movie.
If Victor Zaslav isn’t a name for a goddamn Bond villain, I don’t know what is! It’s even better than Elon Musk!
I was cleaning the garage and organizing the copious amounts of porn I have there. I was gonna alphabetize but I was unsure what came first “Butt sluts go nuts” or “Butt sluts go nutz” an important distinction.
Another good joke: LEX (pointing to Bizarro’s backwards “S”): “Why is the S backwards?”
LAB GUY: “It was made in China, they flipped the design.”
There was no sex scene between Cheetah, Killer Frost and a Pizza Guy. I made that up.
On the other hand, if you want to see Killer Frost (Anna Belle Peaks, one of my all time favorite performers) doink the Riddler in a threeway watch Suicide Squad XXX
The pretense is “Man of Steel” but the whole story feels like cribbed notes from Reeves Superman 2 and 4. Which is fine, but the tones clash horribly.
Best crew name: a PA named Billy Da Kid (not real name)
And for those who asked, yes there was a blooper reel.
I’m not sure what I’ll tackle next, odds are slim there will be a Blue Beetle porn parody. I might have a Scooby Doo parody and cover that to capitalize on the bizarre/mediocre “Velma” cartoon that’s getting people more upset than the GOP trying to gut social security.
Tune in sometime in the next 12 months to find out!
