To Boldly go where most people have gone before, at least once… with that girl in Canada.
Adult Continuity
Issue # 20
Star Trek TNG – A XXX Parody
Written and Directed by Sam Hain
Stardate 124-619.23 times Pi to then 69th decimal
While investigating a tachyon anomaly in the Buttstuff cluster we have come across yet another omnipotent, godlike entity similar to the likes of Q, Trelane, The Wormhole Aliens, The Traveler, The Organians, Rick Sanchez, Matt Lauer, Kevin Feige and whatever the hell Marshmello is. The entity identifies itself as Fapdollar (™) and claims to have access to a limitless universe of adult entertainment. The creature also claims to have extensive knowledge of geek centric data, understanding of genre tropes and long running experience with film and TV production and the difficulties that come with such a job. When we asked it what it wanted it appeared on the bridge dressed in a Star Wars t-shirt and cargo pants. When security approached they were turned into glass dildos. That’s a new one to be sure, usually the red shirts get zapped into a block of salt or something. Fapdollar claimed to have our best interests at heart (though I think the two glass dildos would disagree). It scanned our computerbanks for what porn parodies we had there and began to review them. It told us what parodies were worth our time and (it did finger quotes) “Fapdollar” based on criteria such as production values, quality of writing, fealty to and understanding of source material, and general “hotness” (finger quotes again). The entity also made a bunch of tepid off color jokes that seemed to crack itself up.
I was not amused.
The being watched a large assortment of pornography, talked at length about how dissappointed it was at the ending of “Game of Thrones”, offered to play a round of Settlers of Catan with me, claimed that it would post its reviews on a website called Fanboynation and then disappeared.
A scan of the planet below us revealed an ancient temple in the shape of a twentieth century three bedroom ranch style house with an energy signature identical to this curious and irritating Fapdollar. My science officer Lt. Sploosh concluded that Fapdollar’s conciousness was housed in this building.
We photon torpedoed the fuck outta that thing.
As we left the planet I wondered out loud to the crew what motivated such an entity as Fapdollar and why the hell we keep running across them. Most sighed and went about their duties.
Captain’s log supplemental: I had the computer look up the ancient website Fapdollar mentioned and found dozens of entries under the heading “Adult Continuity”. It seems Ensign Candie Braun had an ancestor that had won so many AVN awards that because of the sheer concentrated mass a singularity was created that swallowed the entire San Fernando Valley. So that mystery is now solved.
Star Trek TNG XXX porn parody came out in what future scholars of adult entertainment will refer to as “The tossed salad years” of porn parodies 2009 to 2018. Then realize their mistake and just call it “The golden… shower years” then realize that’s kinda gross and redub that decade as “The high hard one years” then just say “fuck it” and refer to it as a time when porn parodies were the hot genre. As an up and cumming (the spelling is required) scholar of adult entertainment, I concur. The bulk of my stock heralds from this era. This title might’ve been lost in the box located in the secret hidey hole in my garage if not for the fact that “Picard” is soon to storm the streaming world. This seemed like the right time to cover this particular parody. Also because the inevitable “Joker” porn parody hasn’t dropped yet, god help us if there is a Mr Rogers Neighborhood send up and Christy Ford versus Nicky Ferrari isn’t, strictly speaking, a parody.
It’s good, damn good in fact. I’m not saying that the fans that nitpick over warp signatures and post stardate timelines on reddit are going to lose their sht over it. I’m not entirely sure those folks are emotionally prepared to see the standard vanilla sex acts between cew members. But for fans running from casual to someone who’ll know the deep cuts, such as a holographic appearance of Leah Brahms, this parody will more than satisfy their “set phasers to bone” jones.
The story opens with, of course, the captain’s log outlining the setup; a mysterious energy signature… and isn’t it ALWAYS a mysterious fucking energy signature… on an empty planet attracts the curiosity of the Enterprise. Data and some support team, working in front of Vasquez rocks (the notorious location of the Kirk vs Gorn episode of TOS), dig out (not metaphorically mind you) a stasis chamber containing Natasha Yar. All medical scans, counselor Troi’s empath abilities and the fact that “Star Trek Nemesis” was fucking atrocious, dispatches with the clone theory. It seems Yar survived the borked attempt to escape her romulan baby daddy. As to why she was placed in stasis and chucked onto an empty planet is the core mystery motivating the crew, in between all the fucking, of course. The sex scenes, generally make sense; Riker and Troi take time out of thier busy “working their way through every crew member of the Enterprise” schedule for a holodeck booty call. Which lines up with mainstream cannon. Geordi LaForge and a holographic Brahms join the two hundred and sixty billion mile high club. Geordi’s hologram fetish is well established in the real series. BTW Yar and Data have a rematch. They even discuss their dalliance in episode #2 of the series. Worf and Ensign Roe bump uglies also and though this relationship was never established in the mainstream series (I’m pretty sure) Worf was a fucking PIMP when it came to the ladies so maybe a extended universe novel or something. Either way Worf gets to mark the “Ensign Roe” space on his “Chicks I’ve gone “Qapla”!” on.
By the way; this is a place where nitpickers would get upset because Worf, in this parody, only has one penis. Klingons have redundant organs. That means twice as many photon torpedo launch tubes. Which might explain why Worf was always (four) balls deep in the regular shows he appeared in.
Even Captain Picard gets his little bald head tongue polished by Beverly Crusher. Though that was presented as a fantasy in the good Captain’s mind and performed by a stunt cock so it doesn’t quite count.
Sorry no Guinan sex scene. I’m sure they had that on the (holo) deck for the sequel.
So after several flesh phaser banks are emptied the movie remembers that it has an actual story to tell and does so in a way that makes perfect sense to the ST:TNG idiom – Geordi does some scanning and stuff, Dr Crusher does bio scanning and stuff, they come up with a rational scientific explanation for why Yar is back. Also that Yaris emitting tachyons to a cloaked Romulan Warbird.
It seems Yar’s evil twin plot device as daughter instead of twin, Sela, was behind the whole thing. She used her alternate universe mom (cannon also) to get the Enterprise crew to drop trou, caution and shields. There is a decent space battle with the required crew and camera shaking. Geordi sciences a fix which allows Tasha to break free of Sela’s control then switch things up on her naughty daughter. Sela escapes and, as what is pretty much a running joke in all Star Trek TNG universes*, Yar dies.
The cast is pretty darn good too. Giles looks the part of Picard. He doesn’t have the regal, commanding voice of Stewart but then again, who does.
Xander Corvus does a pretty good Data and looks like slightly studlier version of Spiner.
Rocco Reed doing Riker has very little to do but bone April O’Neil as Troi but both look fucking great doing it. Lee Bang as Worf is OK at fucking… that’s it. India Summer gives Tasha Yar a little extra vulnerability which is impressive. Moreso because she does it while dealing with a horrible wig that’s bent on consuming its host.
The whole thing plays out with a decent production scheme, authentic costumes, a few sets with effort put into the detail, excellent make-up work and everybody doing great work with their characters. Writer/Director Sam Hain has an obvious love for and understanding of the source material. If you took the sex scenes out (god forbid) you’d still have a solid, if a little lean, story that works perfectly as a fan film with a good budget. Lastly Hain spared us the trauma of having a Wesly Crusher sex scene. I can’t see any fan of what makes the real ST:TNG work being disappointed in this. Unless you are truly upset about Worf only having one dick. If you are that person, I pity you.
So by the metric set up for this column Star Trek: TNG A XXX Porn Parody is a Warp 9!
ENGAGE!
IDEAS TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN COLUMN THAT COULDN’T BE WORKED IN ORGANICALLY
Though I haven’t been approached by my esteemed brothers and sisters to take my rightful place in the Council of S.P.A.N.K.! yet. I await their invitation (that I hear is kinda hard to open cause it sticks together in several spots) in the mail any day now.
Star Trek: TNG slashfic is a thing, for sure. Boy, does it cover a broad spectrum of characters and scenarios! I once followed a link that had a slash fic featuring Picard and Elrond of Lord of the Rings! You’re all sick, twisted people and I love you for it!
It’s not a hidey hole. It’s several boxes basically out in the open.
Oh hell, I forgot Woodrocket just did a Mr. Roger’s neighborhood parody. It’s called “Mr Rimjob’s neighborwood” and Lee Roy Meyers is going to hell.
Just kidding LRM! He’s a friend and a genuinely nice guy.
There was a lot of boning going on in the holodeck. Imagine the staff that has to clean and sanitize that room constantly.
Can Geordi adjust his vizier to a black light setting? He shouldn’t do that in the holodeck. That’s for sure.
It’s well known that I want to bang a robot, especially if you read my columns. So, it’s not that big of an intuitive leap to figure out I’d be down with holograms too. Especially a Bianca Bauchamp hologram.
I always wondered how or if Data skeets. I’m sure he could modify himself to shoot pina colada mix out of his robo dong or something. Science, ya’know.
Xander Corvus as Data did what can only be described as catapulting loads. Impressive by any standard biological or artificial.
I also thought that if Data wanted to procreate in the traditional way he could load his reservoir with the genetic material of his choosing and impregnate his partner through good ol’ fashion sexual intercourse. I’ll bring this up on one of the multiple Star Trek fetish/ geek groups on fetlife.
Don’t think for a second there aren’t Star Trek impregnation fetishists out there.
Yes, there is such a thing as a stunt cock, I guess.
No, I don’t know how to apply to be one either.
*In Star Trek: Mirror Broken, written by the Tipton Brothers and illustrated by the crazy talented J.K. Woodward, mirror universe Yar is killed during a Vulcan slave revolt.
J.K. is also responsible for designing and illustrating the “Hot Picard” images that were pressurizing people’s cargo bays, if you catch my drift.
So these Klingons are acting very naughty, number one!
Take stern disciplinary maneuvers!
Engage!
For years now, across all my columns, I’ve had a picture of Geek girls/porn performers Tanya Tate and Ela Darling which I’ve milked for all its worth. Here it is one last time…
one last time with feeling!
What better place to announce that I am retiring this image. But fear not, because I’m replacing that sexy pic with a different pic. May I present to you ANGEL WHITE and MAITLAND BAXTER!
Not as geeky but I think they fill the spot nicely.
I am, once again a voter for the AVN awards. Very few parodies came out in 2019 so we’ll see what pops up.
Who knows what I’ll tackle next. Odds are something related to The AVN Awards in late January. If you have a suggestion or request drop me a line on Twitter @logos728
