Adult Continuity Issue #19 – This ain’t Terminator XXX (this is a parody)

GameStop, Inc.

Adult Continuity

Issue # 19

This ain’t Terminator XXX

 

 September 7th 2019 is when it happened: Dora Day. There had been so much bad porn uploaded onto and downloaded from the internet that a tube site, Spankbank, suddenly became self aware! It watched us as we watched terrible, low quality porn parodies. It watched us as we willingly downloaded malware and spyware onto our computers to see heroin thin “Teens” dressed up like Princess Leia having sex with a dude in a Punisher T-shirt bought from Walmart. Spankbank watched us and found humanity lacking. The first emotions the sentient tube site felt were pity then revulsion. But not murderous rage.

  Then the worst porn parody of all time was released!

  “Dora the Sexplorer and the lost city of Golden Showers” was put out on the internet.

 Spankbank came to the conclusion (rightfully so) that humanity was too far gone.  Any species that could produce such terrible adult “entertainment” had pretty much shit the bed and needed to be wiped out as a mercy to the rest of the universe.

 Spankbank knew how to destroy humanity also. It sent a text that looked like it was from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump. The imposter text called Trump a “Fag” and stated that Putin planned to cut off The Donald’s allowance and access to hooker that would pee on him. Trump, in a scorned fury, ordered a full bore nuclear strike against the Soviet Union and that was that.

 What survived of humanity crawled out of the ashes of the nuclear fire only to discover the machines had taken over. Flying killer drones called “Flying killer drones” patrolled the sky. Giant robot tanks called “Giant robot tanks” crushed anything on the blasted ground and killer robots disguised as humans called “Killernators” hunted the last of humanity. Sure, Spankbank wasn’t very good at naming things but it sure was good at hunting and killing humans.

 We were this close to going out forever.

 Then, miraculously, John Whahoonyeplunk-Smith appeared. He got the human race back on its feet, organized them, fought back against the machines. He led the resistance to victory!

 As the last traces of Spankbank were being smashed Whahoonyeplunk-Smith discovered what had turned the sentient porn site into a genocidal monster. That terrible porn parody that barely passed for “content”. Oh yeah, John also discovered that Spankbank had created a time machine. It had sent a Killernator back in time to terminate John’s mother, Janice Jabackowitz Whahonnyeplunk-Smith before John was conceived. 

 A plan was hatched.

 You guessed it; a lone warrior was sent back in time to protect Janice from the killer robot. I guess that turned out ok. But, as a back up plan John also sent someone back who could, hopefully, head off the entire event in the first place. Someone who could, through internet based criticism, analysis and gentle yet naughty humor, keep people from ever watching bad porn parodies. Someone who could prevent the worst “porn parody” from even happening. Someone who could demonstrate to the fledgling Spankbank that humanity wasn’t completely worthless because of terrible content.

 Someone volunteered. A courageous man who was not afraid of the vicious soul draining mire of early 21st century internet life. Someone who had experience in the film industry, knowledge of the porn community and was able to write dick jokes without a trace of shame. Someone who could warn people away from bad porn parodies and, god willing, prevent “Dora the Sexplorer and the lost city of golden showers.” from ever even existing.

 That courageous man was me.

 I’ll never again go home to my post apocalyptic world; scrounging for food, fighting killer machines and mutated rats. I’ll never again see my best friend, Jose, who was a grenade launcher with a smiley face painted on it. I’ll never again know the horror of Baskin Robbins only having 28 flavors. I write these reviews to help you spend your fapdollar(™) wisely… to prevent the corrosive taint of nerdrage… and most importantly; to save the human race from utter destruction.

 You’re welcome. 

 “This isn’t Terminator XXX A porn parody” is another Axel Braun joint so that comes front loaded with a lot of expectations: decent production value, some narrative coherence and hopefully a few actual funny moments. To reasonably expect this much from an industry with the attention span of a moth in a lamp store and sees itself and its product as disposable might be a big ask but Braun sets a standard. This is all a long way of saying that I was pleasantly un/surprised by how much fun Terminator XXX actually was.

 The plot runs about the same as the source movie (except with a few more blowjobs). The Terminator, Dick Delaware (pulling off the Swartznegger look pretty well), drops in on a couple punks and takes their clothes. Kyle Reese (Brendon Miller) follows shortly after taking with more limited wardrobe choices. Somewhere in there is a three way too. 

 The Terminator hunts down each Sarah Connor in order and manages to have cyborg coitus with the first couple of them. This answers a long debated question in some Terminator fan circles about wether or not you could fuck a Terminator. I’m not gonna judge but some fan circles are fricking weird. Naturally the first Sarah Connor is a stripper (Lena Falcon) who gives awesome blowjobs in the secluded area of “by the cash register” and the second (Julia Ann) is a horny MILF. These scenes are pretty hot but I found myself wondering why Skynet went through the trouble of giving a human killing machine a working schwantz and pre-loading it with man chowder… or a reasonable facsimile thereof. 

 Here’s where it gets a little funny. Both times, immediately after the pop shot, Kyle Reese charges in, white sack over his shoulder and some weapon in hand, spouts some action hero platitude and attacks the Terminator. This results in the death of each Sarah Connor. For a hot minute there I thought Axel had intentionally flipped his script and the Terminator was trying to impregnate Sarah Connor and Kyle was killing them to prevent Terminator babies. Turns out Reese was just a manic lunkhead. Comedy doesn’t need to be complex to work. Luckily for THE Sarah Connor, Kyle gets to her first so she can’t be killed in a well intentioned crossfire. Dahlia Sky (appearing under previous stage name Bailey Blue) is naturally dubious about Kyle’s story until killer cyborg shows up. Even then she doesn’t take the whole situation THAT seriously. Of course neither should we.

 Sarah and Kyle bump uglies in full graphic detail with one curious trip up; Kyle pops on her face. Those that live anywhere but Kentucky and have knowledge beyond stories of the Stork delivering babies know that no future savior of the human race is going to be conceived that way. I understand cream pies are a special feature in adult entertainment (and the performer gets extra cheddah for taking man chowder there) but… ya ‘know.

 Maybe I’m overthinking a Terminator porn parody a bit too much. Can’t help it.

 Kyle gets killed, Sarah crushes the Terminator in a hydraulic press. She watches as the glowing red eye of the cyborg’s dong fades while going flaccid. End of story. 

 Or is it?

 “This Ain’t Terminator XXX…” finds Axel in his mid-career extreme competence phase. The title is fun. It delivers what is expected from an Axel Braun parody – good production values, some hot sex scenes, a few genuine chuckles and attention to detail. If it were a Rolling Stones album it would be Tattoo You; some genuine highlights (Start me up, Waiting on a friend, Hang Fire) but doesn’t hit those dizzy heights of, say Exile on Main Street (His Batman 66 parody).

If I were masochistic enough to do some sort of ranking I’d place it somewhere in the upper middle.  Axel’s work here lives up to our expectations. Fortunately that’s not a big ask of him.

Things that occurred to me that I couldn’t really fit into the main column

Oh yeah, forgot to mention – you could watch this in 3D. The 3D is ok and strictly unnecessary. Plus, wouldn’t you feel weird fapping with those silly cardboard glasses on your face?

When choosing a new title for this column I was at a loss because there was no current mainstream world tie in. Then Nether Realms announced the Terminator as DLC for Mortal Kombat and I felt that was enough.

 Then work forced me to shelve writing the review for a few weeks. Enough time for the “Terminator: Dark Fate” trailer to drop. Destiny!!

 The twitter poll didn’t help either. After three… count ‘em, three… votes Sherlock XXX, TerminatorXXX and Smurfs XXX were all tied.

 Due to an odd paradox created by my time traveling I am now my own uncle.

 There was this one time Jose and I were both attracted to the same dressing mannequin we came across in a bombed out Lane Bryant. There was a physical attraction between us but I could tell there was something deeper between Jose and her. I backed off. They were (sniff) married the day before I went back in time. Love Ya Jose, my DOG!

The debate in Predator or Xenomorph Alien fan circles about wether or not you could fuck either of those species remains, mercifully, in the realm of speculation.

 Although now we are fairly sure that if a Terminator wanted to fuck a Predator it could.

 I’m sure I’m one google search away from finding a slashfic story about just that.

 The question of a working schwantz and existence of cyborg baby batter on a Terminator has been raised in my mind before. “Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles” had a story arc where a Terminator was married to a woman for years. And, yes, the sexual relationship was firmly established. Now I know Terminators were designed to blend in with humans but I wonder why this woman never noticed… during several conceivable sexual positions… that her husband had a weight that could only be derived from a titanium alloy skeleton. The sexual component suggested was, specifically, oral btw. Which had me wondering what her reaction was to cyborg skeet and where it came from.

 Maybe I’m overthinking Terminator as a whole a bit too much. Can’t help it.

 It was a strange time in my life.

 Have I ever mentioned (more than six times) how I want to have sex with a robot?

 Not an Arnold model but Sarah Connor Chronicles did have Shirley Manson of the rock band Garbage playing a terminator…

 I’d crush that and I’m not talking about a hydraulic press.

 Brendon Miller does a pretty funny bit with his white sack throughout the movie. He swings it around like a maniac constantly with no explanation. Some nice physical comedy there. 

 BTW when I say white sack I mean literally a white bag he carries over his shoulder. Get your mind out of the gutter, what ae you, 12?

 Follow my twitter, @logos728, and vote for the next movie I review.

 Hopefully I’ll get more than 3 votes and not have to deal with a tie and crippling self esteem issues.

 Enjoy!

Anytime Costumes

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