Adult Continuity Issue # 12 – Defenders XXX

GameStop, Inc.

 

Adult Continuity

 

DEFENDERS XXX

 

I think we can all agree the internet is good. We got streaming video, access to music and ability to buy said music 24/7, a large chunk of the world connected by electronic communication where an individual’s thoughts, feeling and personal experience is readily available at anytime, cute videos of puppies and, of course, porn.

 

I think we can all agree also the internet is bad. We got streaming video from virus laden torrent sites, access to music like Trace Adkins and that one chick from MTV’s “The HIlls”. A large chunk of the world connected by electronic communication where an individual’s inane, clueless and bigoted thoughts, feelings and (lack of) personal experience is readily available at anytime. Cat videos. And, of course,  really bad, pirated, malware filled porn.

 

Which side wins? For every touching story about a kid with cancer being Batman for a day we got ten fake facebook users (that are definitely not Russian, comrade) pushing Trump’s agenda. Hurricane relief charity auctions vs Breitbart. You got Rick and Morty but then there are Rick and Morty fans.

 

I guess, as Eric Clapton sang in “The Color of money” soundtrack: “It’s in the way that you use it.” (I verified the song’s origins on wikipedia). The internet is a tool; like using a hammer to drive a nail or smash someone’s head in.

 

So how does any of this relate to porn?

 

Well in one way the internet has irrevocably changed porn forever! Tons of tube sites have not only undermined traditional means of accessing adult material by making it free but undermined people’s careers and means to earn a living by making it free. In another way the internet has opened up the floodgates for part time camming performers. Also providing multiple revenue streams for the clever, hard-working, logged-on performer. I’m sure you already know and possibly follow, your favorite performer’s snapchat, fansonly, patron, Many-vids and kik accounts/channels. The internets have also allowed smaller, scrappy, low budget sites like Woodrocket.com and paranormalperversions.com to put out geek centric content that otherwise would never have been produced.

 

Now whether or not this content SHOULD HAVE been produced is a whole different question. Luckily the internet saves/ruins the day again because it’s given you this column, ADULT CONTINUITY on the one and only FANBOY NATION! I watch the porn you’re probably most interested in… Superhero/other Geek-a-rific parodies, pass my judgment upon them and tell you if they are worth your Fapdollar™ and time or if you’d be better taking a cold shower and reading “The Economist”. Of course, as the drawback, you have to wade through pictures of website founder Rob Samo posing with MMA fighters.

 

Not only do I have years of watching porn under my belt but years of being a geek, years of reviewing everything from comics to novels to, yes porn and years of working in movie/TV production. I am eminently qualified to spout my personal opinion for free on a website that does a little bit of everything short of cookie recipes. If you don’t agree; it’s still a free country (for now) find your own venue. Just check for spelling errors before you send that tweet buddy boy.

 

Adamruinsporn.com is one of those scrappy D.I.Y. sites that have been enabled by the Web. The porn Adam Christopher and company produce could be charitably called “low budget”. Honestly, I don’t mean that as an insult; as opposed to the big studios with “budgets” or the “broadcasting from my bedroom” type of camming with zero money/aesthetic put into it Adamruinsporn at least has a mission statement… kinda. Let’s say a mission statement written on a cocktail napkin… Sex scenes with a shoestring story/budget. Those stories being nerd friendly. The site is geek-centric; currently offering “A wet dream on Elm Street 2”, “Stranger Things XXX” (featuring the psychic girl “18” and no doubt a Hopper/Joyce sex scene) and the subject of this column…

 

Defenders XXX harkens back to a simpler time in porn. A time where the “story” just plays as window dressing for the sex scenes; there is a stock establishing shot, a smidgen of dialogue and then boning. This isn’t a bad thing for sure especially if the boning is hot. Which, to the production’s credit, is the case for most of the scenes. Considering the nature of the distribution model: free on the website and not occupying the nutso headspace of Woodrocket.com comes from, making the sex scenes the lion’s share of the focus is certainly the right card to play.

 

The story is mostly non-existent. Jessica Jones (Draven Star) is gathering the other Defenders to fight The Hand. This doesn’t quite make sense seeing as how The Hand is one of Daredevil’s (Alex Legend) and Iron Fist’s (here “Iron Fisted” in classic porn name pun fashion) nemesis. It’s also quite irrelevant because, ahem… spoilers… the movie ends with the team being brought together. Well, kinda; there is only one shot of the whole group together and that’s green screened over a shot of an elevator door opening up (poorly I might add). What this basically does is make a flimsy narrative bridge between scenes. I mean flimsy, think bridge at the end of “Indiana Jones and the temple of doom” flimsy. But hey, like I said, the important part is the humping. If I was being nice (and I am) I’d draw a comparison to the first issue of a comic story arc but with oral and pop shots. I mean the mainstream Defenders didn’t bring the heroes together till episode four and there was no three way between Jessica, Luke and Danny in that!

 

The sets make little sense; Killgrave (Johnny Goodluck) hangs out in what appears to be a church. This is one of those borderline cult like non-denominational churches you see that have set up shop in a former “insurance office” two doors down from a 7-11. Think shag carpeting and a makeshift cross hanging where the fax machine/coffee maker used to be. The only context in which the location makes sense is cost efficiency; Matt Murdock and Black Widow (Penny Pax) bone in a confessional two scenes later (more on that in a minute). In another part of the room Jessica Jones does her three way with Luke Cage and Danny Rand in what’s supposed to be a bar. I know this because taped on the wall behind Luke is a handwritten sign saying “Hell’s Kitchen pub!”

 

I’m not kidding.

 

I wouldn’t call it D.I.Y. Charm so much as “yeah yeah, we’re not fooling anybody… so what, here’s boobs!” So I’ll credit the production for playing the best hand they have.

 

As far as Christopher, who “wrote” it, knowledge of the subject matter; he’s probably watched the Netflix shows. I could nitpick over continuity (Trish has yet to become Hellcat in the show and Killgrave should be dead already) but frankly that seems petty. The one oddity: the story is aware of the former relationship between Daredevil and Black Widow. That is comic book continuity and I’m unsure if he should get points for knowing about that or subtract points because it’s not MCU (MTVU? MNU?) continuity. Since I don’t work on a point system and the scene was pretty hot, I guess the question is moot. Though I will say Alex Legend’s acting is, frankly, terrible. Mercifully he only has the one scene and after the action starts Penny Pax does all the talking. In fact I pretty much forgot Legend was there but that’s the case with most sex scenes; I mentally edit myself into the dude’s position. I think most guys do. You can admit it, we’re all friends here.

 

Look, the shadow of Axel Braun looms over most superhero porn parodies (and this column) but judging something like Defenders XXX with such a metric is unfair and quite honestly, missing the point. Adamruinsporn doesn’t mail it in like, say, Deadpool Porn parody. At least it’s apparent that Christopher is a fan. Even if the execution is choppy there is a spunky attitude along with the spunk. Just be forewarned: don’t expect what you get with Vivid or Hustler product.

 

As I said, Adamruinsporn.com has a mission statement and by that modest criteria it is successful. Braun won’t be looking over his shoulder anytime soon but Christopher and co aren’t even aiming in that direction. Good or Bad? A bit of both but I guess it all in the way that you use it.

 

Other thoughts tangential to the main article but I couldn’t fit in organically.

 

Watching the credits I saw Brad Knight listed as The Punisher and Naomi Star as Madam Gao. I figured I missed something but in true Marvel fashion there is a post credit scene. Yes, they bone, and before you get that involuntary shudder thinking of Madam Gao in a sex scene this is Nyomi Star…

 

 

Looking at her “The Hand” takes on a whole new, better, meaning.

 

I normally don’t focus on the sex but I was trying to be positive besides the dialogue and “story” part would amount to about ten minutes. I needed something to work with.

 

Aside from being the best sex scene in the show the Punisher/Gao throwdown had the best lines. Examples: “Oh, Punish that pussy” and “Here’s the punishment, baby!” This might’ve earned the lenient review; make me laugh you get points.

 

Johnny Goodlove not only appeared as The Purple Man but also handled camera duties, lighting and some editing. A true renaissance man.

 

To Penny Pax’s credit her dirty talk stayed in character through the whole sex scene.

 

Music was by the JZA which is by far the best joke in the whole production.

 

For years I had a classification known as “Flashlight under the desk quality”, This was due to seeing one scene (a woman riding a guy at a desk with the camera under the desk). The shot was so poorly lit that while the action was going you couldn’t see anything… till a light came on. First shining on their thighs then panning over to illuminate the slapping genitals. This has been the yardstick that I have judged porn by ever since: Was it so bad it was “flashlight under the desk quality?”

 

“DefendersXXX” doesn’t sink to such depths. The lighting is pretty flat but at least you can see all the important bits.

 

The use of the word “Coffee” goes from being implicit to explicit pretty fucking quick here.

 

An attempt to emulate the look of the Netflix series is made. Though, considering budget restrictions, the emulation adds up to stock shots of New York City sliding into one another via early 90’s video toaster effect.

 

Serious about that handwritten sign see..

 

 

The scene where they shot in the living room with the sign “Doctor Doom’s Castle” was cut.

 

The movie ends with a promise of a Punisher XXX…

 

 

The best graphic produced in this venture.

 

I wrote this review back in Sept of 2017. Other more timely subjects (Justice League xxx AVN 2018) delayed it dropping till now. Works out cause I’ve been laid up w/ a slipped disc and can’t really write. This fills the gap nicely.

 

NEXT: I got a garage full of choices. Considering Avengers Infinity War is coming out soon, maybe I’ll find a Marvel title.

Anytime Costumes

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