Issue # 14
As has been cited in numerous college freshman philosophy papers that I’m pretty sure exist; porn is a reflection of our society. How could we not see where our zeitgeist is going without understanding what has us cumming, er. I mean coming… you know what; I’m gonna own it! Has us Cumming!
Anyway, porn has always been a red headed stepchild (or to use a more modern idiom: The side chick) of culture. We all know it’s there asking for more porridge or at least to be taken out once in awhile, not just a booty call, but we feel better about ourselves barely acknowledging it exists. In fact the less we admit to ourselves that it’s an intrinsic part of our lives by either taking it out to the woodshed or springing for a trip to Red Lobster once in awhile the more we develop cognitive dissonance. Regardless of whether we deny the parentage or text while at work on a burner phone we can’t escape the fact that porn is there waiting to resemble the mailman or show up on your doorstep saying she’s pregnant. I’m mixing together two very different metaphors here but I think you get the point.
But that was not where I was headed, actually. Sorta got sidetracked. What I meant to say is that where porn goes is where culture usually is! Or to put it more succinctly: PORN PARODIES! This is why we’ve seen a growing number of Video Game parodies dropping nowadays. I was too lazy to look up fabricated internet numbers to trot out but video games make a shit ton of money and are a big part of the cultural conversation. Hell games even have their own “gate” and fans passionate enough to send death threats to developers and creatives. We all know that you haven’t reached an upper level in the cultural conversation till you get accused of the eradication of white males or a bunch of incel death threats, this IS 2018 after all.
Axel Braun hasn’t clocked in with a Call of Booty… yet… but Woodrocket has done Fortnut and there are multiple zero budget porn parodies of Grand Theft Auto so they are a wave of the fapping future. Will I be forced to alter this column’s name to Adult scoring, Flesh button masher or Me and my joystick? Probably not, especially since most modern game players have never used a joystick and the rest are stupid names. I’ll just (get my) swerve on into covering one of these parodies under the assumption that if you fap to superhero porn parodies, you’ll most likely fap to Videogame ones.
EIther way you still want the parodies that do the job well. Does the male character in the Fortnight parody do the floss after fellatio? Is it true to Princess Peach’s character to do airtight with Mario, Bowser and a shyguy? Would Mrs Pac Man wear a leather bow and black lipstick during her femdom session with Q*Bert? These are the things you, as a viewer, would like to know. I don’t claim to be a video game expert, I just made a Q*Bert reference for chrissake, but I DO know porn, story structure and production techniques! BY gum I feel justified in telling you if a video game porn parody is worth your hard earned Fapdollar(™). I’m willing to risk having KINGKOOPAKOCK69 call me a “fucking loser” and I should “Jump off a building into a wood chipper” on Reddit to do it!
Which brings me to this edition’s subject: Bewitcher
“This one is a no brainer!” You think to yourself. “The Witcher” is basically Cinemax at 3AM softcore cut of porn with RPG elements in the first place. You’d be right. This sorta reinforces the concept I was babbling about at the top of the column.
If you’re a fan of “The Witcher” the idea of a hardcore parody brings a “Not surprised” reaction. Long notorious for their sexual content The Witcher series makes bedding wenches and sorceresses and barbarian women and local villagers… and possibly (it’s rumored) goats if you’ve beaten the game on “Are you fucking KIDDING me!” setting three times… an amusing side quest.
What might be surprising, though, is how much the parody gets things right. Even working on a (necessary) smaller scale than the games, Director Danny D and company captures the spirit of the games, or at least those engaging coitus side quests.
Gerard, the growling, perpetually horny “hero”, starts the story rescuing his former lady love, Tryst, from an assault. Killing the robbers in the process. After a fun bathtub hookup (would this qualify as a side quest or a mini game?) Tryst points him in the direction of a new job in the abandoned village. A vengeful ghost haunts the local tavern/brothel. Normally the solution would be to deliver the ghost’s wrongdoer to the ghost for (in this case) a vengeance fuck… because, Porno. Wouldn’t you know it, Gerard already killed that guy! He was one of Tryst’s attackers. This leads The Witcher to another fuckbuddy; a socceresses named Clea. She gives him a potion to stop the ghost and a around the world session (no Chocobo needed). Gerard uses the potion… on his lady slayer…because, Porno, making the hardest working member of this movie a ghost slayer.
Gerard also has a dildo sword… ok what is probably the biggest caucasian dildo on the market bashkitted onto a stick… soaked in the magic potion. Gerard trying to… I’m not sure… stab… the ghost whore (or is it whore ghost) with the giant wobbly silicone dong is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. To give props to the actors, though, they commit. Naturally Gerard winds up having to use his magical meat sword to stop the vengeful wench instead. He covers the angry ghost with his own magic potion and she disappears.
To cap off the movie Gerard, Clea and Tryst have a three way… because, Porno.
I do have to comment on the sex scenes here. Each of Gerard’s frolicks seems kinda redundant after a bit; same positions, same length of time etc. It’s not boring, though, the performers seem to be enjoying themselves. What strikes me is the way the scenes echo the “titillating” cutscenes of the games. The sex scenes in the Witcher games are pretty redundant. Basically the same shots but with a cosmetic swap in skin tone and background scenery. I might be reading too much into the scenes in Bewitcher but it feels like the crew knew what they were doing in this respect. Which if so extra kudos; emulating video game sex scenes with real sex scenes is uncharted territory.
The movie looks really good! Kudos to Director of photography Dick Bush (not his real name) for making things colorful and nicely composed. Praise should also go to Production designer AhussyXXX (pretty sure not her real name) for the well done costumes and lean but effective sets.
With a coherent, if slight, story, fun performances and commitment to tone you could do a lot worse than Bewitcher if you’re looking for a videogame porn parody. It hews a lot closer to the source material than, say Grand Theft Auto – Teenage/MILF Lesbian Orgy though that title probably should be judged on an entirely different criteria anyway.
RANDOM THOUGHTS PERTAINING TO THE MAIN COLUMN BUT I COULDN’T FIT IN ORGANICALLY
Who we kidding Axel’s COD parody name would be “Call of Duty” – An Axel Braun parody”. I’m sure there would be at least one decent joke about loot crates.
Other good Videogame porn parody titles:
Foreplay night: Orgy Royale
Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six on one
Super Smash Brothers… and sisters
Call of Booty: Black ops on blondes
Plants vs Zombies vs Stormy Daniels
Five nights on freddy’s face
Fallout: Las Vegas swingers club
I googled “Femdom Mrs Pac-man” and got nothing. My faith in humanity was restored… till I found this…
I was also reminded that Halloween is coming up and that there can be a sexy anything for ladies…
I’ve now done two Q*Bert references in one column!
KINGKOOPAKOCK69 believes Peach would NEVER go airtight and I’m a “Fucking douchebag fuckwit” for even suggesting such a thing. KINGKOOPAKOCK69 also suggests that I should “shove a shotgun up my ass and blow my fucking empty head clean off my saggy excuse for a body!”
KINGKOOPAKOCK69 is a frustrated poet to be sure.
It should also be noted that KINGKOOPAKOCK69 has knockoff henti pics of Sonic the Hedgehog reposted from Deviantart.
I also googled “Henti Sonic the Hedgehog” thankfully there were no results but I did find this:
OK, I’ll fess up; KINGKOOPAKOCK69 is not real but BOY he sounds like some people on video game forums.
Magic Meatsword is slang for penis in case you weren’t sure.
Next: we’re through the summer blockbusters and heading into the wasteland of fall character based movies and the random romantic comedy so there isn’t a theme based review to do. I guess I’ll just pick some rando title out of the garage collection.