Adult Continuity #11 Star Wars Underworld: A XXX parody

GameStop, Inc.

ADULT CONTINUITY
ISSUE # 11
STAR WARS UNDERWORLD
A XXX PARODY

 

Director – Dick Bush

Writer – Ginny Rex

Ladies and gentlemen, fanboys and girls, we live in divisive times! Everybody seems stuck on their own little island yelling at everybody else on their own little island and no communication is happening. Everybody is split: MCU vs DCEU (or as I call it the “Your Mom is named Martha too – verse”), Doctor Who – excited about Jodie Whitaker as The Doctor vs “girls have cooties” orthodox vs thirteenth Doctor/Riversong slash fic writers, and the most rancorous and foul tempered opposing groups out there in the world of fandom: Those who liked “Last Jedi” and those who didn’t.

I could weigh in on this; the greatest divide facing our world since the civil war… no, not Captain America: Civil War, the actual civil war! Yeah, it’s that serious! At least if you spend any time on Reddit! But I’d much rather light a saber than curse the dark side and offer a way out of our collective strongly worded disagreement nightmare about Episode Eight. Something we can all agree upon as fans of the Star Wars universe regardless of how we feel about Luke’s transition to Force ghost for episode IX, Porgs or shirtless Kylo Ren.

Yes, I’m talking about Dengar getting laid.

Not just a quickie from Bossk in the Executor’s supply closet (bet you didn’t know Bossk was a lady, eh! You should see the DUDES of the Trandoshan species). SERIOUSLY LAID! Star Wars Underworld: A XXX parody has Dengar basically fucking a skittles rainbow of chicks; blue, red, purple, caucasian, there might have even been a pink one too… I didn’t… um… have a pen to take notes. This is what will bring us all together again: bountiful coitus hunterous.

For those of you who aren’t hardcore Star Wars fans (I couldn’t imagine why you’d be reading this review if that’s the case) Dengar is one of the most feared bounty hunters in the galaxy.

Ok, not as feared as Boba Fett. Not as feared as Bossk cause, well take a look at Bossk…

Occasionally more feared than IG-88 depending on whether the killer droid has uploaded the newest ISO update. Definitely more feared than Zuckuss cause, honestly, he should be called Suck-ass!

See what I did there?

Anyway Dengar is the dude with the dark purple spray painted stormtrooper armor and turban. In Empire Strikes Back his face is scarred up. I believe it was from an allergic reaction to strawberries (though no longer canon) so Underworld must take place pre-ESB because he hadn’t come across those sweet but treacherous yum nuggets yet.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Dengar. Even as a kid playing in the schoolyard I usually chose to be Dengar. Mostly cause Eric, that fucker, claimed Boba Fett first. Also because he was a blank slate; after that briefing by Vader we never see Dengar again. He could’ve had amazing adventures fighting giant mynocks or got embroiled in a murder plot with a beautiful but duplicitous wife of a space Baron. Once I even imagined he teamed up with IG-88 to capture a Scorvarian ghost diamond from the Turbosloths of Blehaskarr six.

I had a vivid imagination as a child… not many friends… but a vivid imagination.

Point is; I liked Dengar. So imagine my surprise when I pop in this adult feature, which had my second… occasionally third… favorite bounty hunter on the cover and discover to my surprise that the movie was pretty damn good!

Dengar’s blank slate-ness works in favor of the production. He can be a bad-ass with his own contacts and rep so a believable stand alone story can be built around him without continuity problems. His costume is also pretty easy to pull off… both figuratively and literally. Personally I discovered that I was emotionally able to cope with the idea that Dengar is a sexual creature. Motivated not only by credits and “The Job” but the hedonistic pursuit of empty carnal congress with several different colored hotties. If you think this is a laughable problem; I have a WoodRocket collection of Doctor Who porn parodies I can’t bring myself to watch. Not because they are bad (probably the opposite) but because I have a hard time grokking on the idea of The Doctor boning.

Put simply: seeing a fictional childhood idol screwing up (and down and sideways and standing and spoon position and… you get the idea) didn’t traumatize me… unlike the claims of many Last Jedi detractors.

The story goes down like this; Danni Ora (Aria Alexander) is the Togruta bodyguard for Tyleah Daivik (Eva Lovia) the Twi’Lek wild child daughter of a powerful and corrupt senator. Tyleah is kidnapped by the Black Sun criminal organization as retribution for a debt her father owes the space mafia. To get her back Danni enlists the help of A-list bounty hunter Dengar (Luke Hardy). Naturally when I say “enlists” I mean “Bang the crap outta…”. Dengar backs her up and then he helps her out as she searches for her Twi’Lek charge through the seamy underbelly of Courscant. A few colorfully lit corridors, a astro droid barrel fire and a three way with some black sun goons gets Danni information about Tyleah. The trail leads to sexy Zeltron criminal Kendra Veris (Alessa Savage) who overpowers Danni. It’s Dengar to the rescue. Dengar “enlists” (see definition of “Enlists” above) Kendra’s help with a stand up session against a metal frame featuring acrobatic movements that might appear in a Cirque Du Soleil production about Star Wars fucking. Post-coital the canny bounty hunter cuffs Veris up and pumps her a different way… for information. Tyleah has been human… or Twi’Lek… trafficked. Bought by a Black Sun biggie named Nash Thracken (Nacho Vidal looking like he hasn’t slept in about six years). Danni goes undercover as a ‘Ho in the imprisoning brothel with Dengar as her pimp to spring Tyleah. This gives us some more Star Wars references with a dude selling “Death Sticks” to hookers and Johns (or J’onns as it were). This also gives us great lines like “I’m a responsible pimp my girls don’t smoke death sticks, only dicks.”

Beats the fuck outta anything Jar Jar ever said.

At the risk of spoilers Danni and Dengar rescue the oversexed blue chick and then regroup back at the bar where everything started for a celebratory drink. Kendra shows up with a henchman, freed of her cuffs and offering a business and sexual partnership. This becomes a seething multi-colored group sex session. Reds, whites and blues like bomb pops made of bodily fluid. Alien races of all colors gettin down with a different kind of force.

Just like how most Star Wars stories ended in my imagination from the age of 13 to about, well, I’m 48 now…

Guys, it’s as weird me saying it as it probably is for you to read it but SW Underworld gets it right! I’m not sure Black Sun is cannon anymore (it SHOULD BE) but production design nails the logo and the costumes of the nefarious gangsters. Somebody did a little research which, by the generous criteria I’ve set for this column, gets the points.

The movie is also pretty clever; unable to mount a special effects heavy story to go along with the mounting, Director Dick Bush and Writer Ginny Rex turn that negative into a positive. The sets of Underworld make sense in the context of being the deadly criminal back alleys of the galactic capital. An effective and cost-effective choice. Dengar’s look is relatively low maintenance but still not skimpy on the detail. Danni, Tyleah and Kendra all look great; Maddie Robins make up work is impressive. The alien girls look damn convincing, as good as any high-end cosplay out there. The smart move was to put money into making the girls look authentic because, well, people are watching this to see Star Wars races like Tw’Leks have sex. Which means that full body paint is required… and it can’t rub off if you take my meaning.

Welcome to the fevered dreams of 14 yr old me…

Luke Hardy works as Dengar; a sly, knowledgeable soldier of fortune who still enjoys the hunt and is always up for that rainbow array of play being thrown at him. Once again; you can imagine Dengar as anything so this imagining is pretty good.

Aria, Eva and Alessa all look like they are enjoying themselves. That’s saying a lot seeing as how they have to wear full body paint and mostly weird headgear. Each character is distinctive; Danni is inexperienced but not a pushover, Tyleah is like a celebutard but blue and Kendra is an opportunist with an alpha female edge. They all play their characters with enthusiasm and charm. I could see any of these characters appearing in the Dark horse comics from the now defunct extended universe except, ya’ know, without the pop shots or girl on girl action.
Star Wars Underworld: A XXX parody might not heal the divide in our fractured fandom; nobody hates Star Wars like Star Wars fans. But if you’re looking for a enjoyable sexy adventure that takes it’s fandom seriously and has fun doing it; this title is strong enough to rip the ears off a gundark.

RANDOM THINGS TANGENTIALLY RELATED TO THE MAIN BODY BUT I COULDN’T FIT IN ORGANICALLY…

 Didn’t even mention how this title taps into the near mythical “TV show that didn’t happen” Star Wars Underworld. A parody of a show that didn’t happen in the first place. That’s new.

Maybe soon we’ll get parodies like “Big penis in Little China… girls – the return of Wang!”, “Son of Zorn and the MILF next door“ and “Thundercats – HO!”

Dengar’s allergic reaction is no longer canon. Neither are these tidbits (some are made up guess which ones) –
Palpatine had a good twin brother living in secret on Naboo.
Han Solo had a droid named Blue Max which was destroyed shortly before the events of “A new hope.”
Blue Max was an assembly line brother to R2-D2.
Two inept rebels, Tag and Bink, are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Star Wars. They are connected to all the major events in the saga as hapless bystanders.
“Many Bothans died getting this information” Manny Bothans was a close personal friend of Mon Mothma’s who was accidentally killed while being rescued by Tag and Bink. Not a whole bunch of a race called Bothans.
Yoda is the only one of his race that talks like that. Every other member of his race talks completely backwards.
Luke had an apprentice that died on a mission. Luke then uploaded her personality into a cyborg clone and eventually married her.
Dengar was one of the few surviving bounty hunters from that fateful assignment. Boba Fett killed most of them because they tried to steal Carbon Frozen Solo.

Seriously: I dug Dengar so much I made a blaster for him out of a painted laundry detergent bottle. Never occurred to me to use bandages for the turban thing, though.

 The death sticks scene also used the line “I’ll go home and rethink my life.”
Death sticks appear to be cigarettes btw.

Regardless of what you may think of Nacho “Nash Thracken” is a great Star Wars name!

SWUXXX has 6 nomms for the 2018 AVN Awards including best parody. A category that will probably go away after this year.

It’s only real competition was my previous AC entry – Justice League

Don’t worry, I have plenty of parodies stockpiled for this column.

NEXT: Stay tuned for my first ever Adult Continuity/ Cultural Junkdrawer crossover where I cover the 2018 AVN awards. Coming at the end of January.
LATER: Adam ruins porn’s take on The Defenders

Anytime Costumes

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