It’s that time of the year again! The most wonderful time where everybody is allowed to let their freak flag fly and get in touch with their inner ghoul. Halloween rocks because you get to laugh at the macabre and embrace the scares instead of run from them. There is no better way to participate in this little yearly ritual than the bit of fun known as the “Haunted House”. Even if the concept has mutated over the years into “Scary maze” the principle is the same; walk through dark and foreboding passages with a group of friends and scream when something jumps out of the shadows. Even better is to laugh when something jumps out of the shadows at your friends. Best is when it happens to a douche bag in an Ed Hardy fake tattoo sleeve shirt who shrieks like a teenage girl.
Two of the benefits of living in southern California is 1: there are a lot of great venues perfectly suited to have a “Scary maze” collection for your cathartic enjoyment, and 2: there are plenty of full time freaks with skill sets encompassing acting, make-up, walking on stilts, contortionism, and generally being unsettling and weird to populate these places. And I’m not even talking about the people that work these events.
Queen Mary’s Dark Harbor is a prime example of #1 above; lots of open space, a weird ghostly ambiance that hangs around a giant ship that can be unsettling for not only its connection to another distant time, but because the ship is supposedly one of the most haunted places in LA. Dark Harbor smartly capitalizes on that mystique.
Before we entered we were greeted by “The Captain”, a man dressed in a crisp white captain’s uniform with a soggy green barnacle and seaweed covered face. Upon entering Dark Harbor we were served up a vast assortment of #2 from the previous paragraph; old school voodoo zombies, demon monkeys on stilts, and ghost girls with hula hoops. The whole place had a Rob Zombie teams up with the clown with the tear away face from The Nightmare before Christmas to design a county fair vibe. The whole thing was kooky and fun but the overall effect needed the night to boost it, and since there was a few hours before that time we took in the R.I.P. lounge.
The R.I.P. lounge (see what they did there) was on the promenade of the Queen Mary herself overlooking the Dark Harbor, scattered about were cozy chairs and some low key Halloween decorations. There was a bar, and pulled pork sliders and homemade potato chips were served. I’m not sure if this is the intended menu and what else is offered now that the attraction is up and running, but this lounge and the other cabana type lounge can be bought for a hefty $99 price tag. We did get close face time with “The Captain” and the creepy Marilyn Monroe type chick with empty bleeding eyes. She’s the subject of one of the mazes that is on the boat itself. We hung there for a bit then headed down to hit the mazes as the ambient light from the setting sun retreated from the growing tendrils of night.
The first maze was the Voodoo Village. Set outside on the grounds of Dark Harbor this maze seemed the longest of all of them. The denizens of the village could efficiently be described as a “Ferguson cop’s spicy food nightmare” with voodoo queens, yelling zombies and scares around almost every corner. Cajun by way of Wes Craven.
Here is a truth; scary mazes show what your friends are made of. This was the first event I’ve done with the FanboyNation gang, and though I’ve come to know many of them well, now I have a good idea who I want in my squad during the zombie apocalypse. Another truth: if you want to minimize your “being jumped out at” experience, take point. You usually get passed over for third or fourth in your party. A position that maximizes scare impact.
Sideshow: Freaks and Oddities was the next maze. We only tried one of the multiple branching mazes simply because at the center of the hub is a bar and stage, and beer distracted us for a moment. “The Ringmaster” was another of the assorted creepy characters that takes their looks from early era Marilyn Manson and the clown toy from Poltergeist in equal measure.
Next up was the Curse of Anubis Paintball Adventure. This does cost extra from general admission, but the chance to unload colorful balls of paint on guys in mummy outfits as vengeance for all those Scooby Doo episodes might be worth the extra Alexander Hamilton. It was funny how rapid fire manic the paint ball guns got when a mummy scooted across the gallery to hide behind a pillar. This might say something about mankind as a whole but I’m reluctant to look deeper.
Making our way through the main area of Dark Harbor in full night mode had the intended effect even with all the flickering lights, wonderful smells from the food booths, and groups of regular people clustered around. Nothing can prepare you for when a zombie looking guys runs across your path and skids on the tarmac kicking up sparks and blood pressure. The randomness of the general performers’ interactions kept everyone on their toes (though fellow “Growing up Geek” podcaster Shannon appears to be a magnet for them).
Circus was the maze in the dome next to the ship and, being a larger one had branching directions. The ball pit direction proved irresistible. Though I’m sure the direction the evil clown girl was coxing me to was also fun, I have no regrets.
Soulmate was next starring the bleeding eye Monroe-esque girl. There was a narrative about her chopping up suitors to build the perfect mate but the audio was akin to listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher and superfluous anyway. Yes, jump out scares and bloody tableaus abounded. That’s what you’re there for, right?
B340 is the requisite insane asylum maze. This is a maze that plays to the strengths of a place like the Queen Mary; claustrophobic metal corridors and cramped rooms filled with tension. Then a flip; at one point you have to cross a catwalk overlooking the engine room, sparks rain down across the way revealing shadowy figures chained up in torment. This is something that only a place as unique as the Queen Mary could do; Dark, cavernous, and hellish. It was probably the most effective moment in any of the mazes.
Lullaby was the next maze. At this point the general population had been let into Dark Harbor. The result was lines more daunting than anything inside the mazes. Fortunately we had the fast lane passes; an upgrade of the general admission ticket for an impressive sum. As galling as it might seem it did substantially reduce waiting time. You might want to consider it as part of the purchase. Lullaby also had a narrative about an evil ghost child murdered by her father. Naturally this is the gateway for seeing the creepy girl popping up all along your journey through the maze. Once again the narrow metal hallways and odd architecture ratcheted up the tension. An ambiance you just can’t imitate is created there. Lighting effects and jump scares do their job well.
Last on the list was Deadrise which follows up the whole concept for Dark Harbor; ghost sailors rising from their watery graves and taking over the joint. Smoke filled shipping containers and a bright blinding light made exiting the maze the nerviest part.
The Queen Mary’s Dark Harbor is designed to hit you over the head with Halloween fun and empty your wallet while they’re at it. The level of quality and the vibe on display is calculated but loose enough to make even the standard admission a night well spent. That is if you like to laugh at the macabre and embrace the scares instead of run from them.
