CULTURAL JUNK DRAWER SDCC 2017 86.3% TRUE RECAP!

One of these pics has an armadillo tank in it. Can you guess which one?

The Bi-Annual 86.3% true SDCC recap!

Greetings programs! It is time once again to fire up the ole computer, hit those interwebs, peruse the geek culture fansites and STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM SAN DIEGO COMICON 2017!

What? This is a supposed geek culture website and even more specifically a geek culture column! How can you not go to the premier geek culture event of the year? You’re not doing your job you cheater! What, you gonna play golf at Mar-a-Lago for the weekend? That’s so three month ago, dude.

Although I am kinda lax since SDCC was a week and a half ago but I’m a working man so shut up!

No, I’m not shirking my duties to you, enthusiastic reader. Here are some of the reasons I’m not attending SDCC 2017:

  • The nearest hotel to the convention center that isn’t asking for something equal to a month of my rent is two miles away from my house in Northridge.
  • For the pro pass registration I got as far as “List how many TV series you’ve show-run for that have gone more than three seasons” when the site crashed. When I got back to that point registration was full.
  • Rumor has it that HBO released roving packs of hungry wolves that stalked the Gaslamp and messily devoured people as part of their Game of Thrones promotion.
  • As of right now it looks like there is an eight day wait for a table at Rockin Baja Lobster. If you want to sit together, nine days.
  • The sails pavilion line for the lottery to stand in another sails pavilion line to possibly buy funko pop exclusives like “Spider-Man 3 – Emo Peter Parker dancing on chair” extends to about a half a mile into the ocean. Line-up begins last week.
  • There is a naval base nearby. Ever since that documentary Battleship I’ve been worried about another alien attack. Liam Neeson isn’t scheduled to be there so who’ll stop the aliens, Huh?
  • Security guards seem about one Paul Blart Mall Cop joke away from macing everyone within thirty feet of them.
  • Harrison Ford says that he’ll personally spit on anybody who mentions Han Solo at the Blade Runner 2049 panel.
  • How clean every toilet is in the Gaslamp district.
  • I’ve got all the enamel pins I could ever want or need.
  • Unsure if the guy wearing “The end is neigh, REPENT!” sign and yelling through a megaphone is real or a Leftovers cosplay.
  • I already know “Young Sheldon” is gonna suck. I don’t need to wait eight hours outside a conference room to get definitive proof.
  • It is a snap getting to the panel Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (ain’t making that up) on the other side of the convention center on time around one hundred and thirty thousand people! Especially if there is a Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs cosplay or  latex wearing Harley Quinns somewhere along the way.
  • $6 is a reasonable price for sixteen oz of precious life giving water.
  • Dehydrated carbon frozen Han Solos.
  • The interactive exhibit for Murder on the Orient Express (Set up at “Bob’s hourly hotel O’ Rama” seven blocks south-east from the convention center, right next to the liquor store/laundromat) only chooses one person a day to murder.
  • The “Hall H smell” has reached the Marriot by Friday afternoon.
  • No advance screening of The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature ANYWHERE during the con!
  • Jo-Ann’s Fabrics booth doesn’t have any con exclusives.
  • SD law enforcement’s only chance this year to taser blue people.
  • The pained, desperate, beaten dog look in indy comic creators eyes when you pass by them in artist alley.
  • Ben Affleck saying he’ll personally spit on anyone asking him about Batman at the Justice League panel.
  • I don’t need a low-rez bootleg of Kiss meets the Phantom of the Park on DVD. Now if you got a low-rez bootleg BLU RAY of it, maybe.
  • Third party vendors selling Funko pop exclusives like “Spider-Man 3 – Emo Peter Parker dancing on chair” for upwards of $75.
  • Jr high school bully Tommy Jabacowitz standing by the entrance to the con calling everyone “Fag”.

It’s come and gone and in the wake of SDCC 2017 is a flush restaurant/hotel/escort industry, endless wastebaskets filled with Elephantmen flyers and a culture abuzz with the awesome shit rolling towards us over the next several months. As stated above I didn’t attend the con but I closely monitored the announcements and revelations dropped at the world’s biggest nerd prom. I even took some notes… but not a lot. I was too busy talking about the events on the fetlife group Kinky and geeky. There are some really passionate people that claim they are “Always a top” about geek culture. Ok, um, I might’ve, in retrospect, misunderstood what was going on there but now I know there are a lot more girls that want to be spanked while cosplaying as Halo’s CORTANA than I originally imagined.

Point is; some things I report here might be inaccurate… wildly so. But I tell you that straight up instead of trying to push such labels as “Alt-facts” and “Fake news”. Which buys me some leeway in the name of humor. Disinformation is only disinformation when you try to sell it AS information. Otherwise it’s satire. I’m gonna say what I’m presenting here is about 83.6% true. Plus or minus a dozen percentages or so.

By the way does anybody know where I can get a Master Chief costume XXL for cheap?

MOVIES (and their Prog Rock connection)

Oh GAWD! I’m chaffed over the amount of amazing trailers debuted in Hall H this year! It would almost seem worth it to wait sixteen hours of eating stale pringles and holding fecal matter inside my body to see these amazing well crafted commercials of movies I’m gonna see anyway in real time. Except I haven’t had my diphtheria booster and everything hit youtube minutes after. So from the comfort of my own home, eating stale pringles, I was able to see these…

THOR RAGNAROK N ROLL! – Hands down, this second trailer for the Thunder God’s third solo outing fuckin OWNED IT!

https://youtu.be/ue80QwXMRHg

Funny, colorful, action packed, Jeff Goldblum with heavy metal war paint, Planet HULK!, Cate Blanchett in full on goth mode (sploosh!). This one is going to blow the doors off! Dark elves can kiss my butt!

PROG ROCK CONNECTION: Everything looks like the goddamn cover of a 70’s prog rock album! Are you kidding? Also rumor has it that the Armadillo tank from  Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s “Tarkus” album will do a cameo in the movie.

 

 Pokemon before it was cool!

 

Speaking of prog rock; kings of the genre Rush (and to a conceptual degree Willy Wonka) score the music to…

READY PLAYER ONE (INSERT ENTIRE 80’S NOSTALGIA BUDGET HERE) – Spielberg takes some time away from serious fare like Bridge of Spies and unexpected bomb The BFG to collect even more dividends from his work in the 80’s…

https://youtu.be/LiK2fhOY0nE

Even IF Warner Brothers predominantly favors their own IP’s in this movie (is that the level boss Orc from The Hobbit driving a monster truck?) the story is a BLAST! The trailer looks like the movie has adapted and modified the original book in all the right ways. Plus they have the dulcet tones of Geddy Lee to sooth our overtaxed ears! What could go wrong!

It was revealed during the panel that properties like the Back to the Future Delorean and the Iron Giant have their own agents… and that Tarkus the Armadillo tank has a provision in his contract for a bowl of green M&M’s in his trailer.

PROG ROCK CONNECTION: RUSH’S TOM SAWYER Duh doi! And Parzival is rumored to visit the world of 2112 and battle the priests of the Temple of Syrinx in his Red Barchetta (if you’re a Rush fan that’s funny).

Ok, hell with it…

Still speaking of Prog Rock; the bad metal cover of the Beatles “Come Together” is still around for the second or is that third trailer for…

JUSTICE LEAGUE (SERIOUSLY; WE’RE F’N TRYING HERE!) – Smartly capitalizing on the goodwill earned by Wonder Woman’s success this trailer tries to remind you that Aquaman is the planned breakout star…

https://youtu.be/FrVcEndce9I

PROG ROCK CONNECTION: A dude named Steppenwolf wearing shiny armor and mostly obscured by smoke and fire. Sounds pretty prog rock to me… or death metal, so… Aquaman has a trident, a trident has three points, three is the number of musicians in canadian power trios. QED (math, very prog rock) Also Batman uses Tarkus the Armadillo Tank in the climatic battle.

Monster romance is usually the territory of YA books but we’re a long way from a shirtless Taylor Lautner with…

THE SHAPE OF WATER – Guillermo Del Toro’s new movie about a mute woman’s romance with either the Creature from the Black Lagoon or Abe Sapien from Hellboy…

https://youtu.be/XFYWazblaUA

Guillermo could do a freaking Adam Sandler movie and I’d probably love it (please GDT DON”T EVER make an Adam Sandler movie; I don’t care how much you want to go to Bermuda). Plus Creature from the Black Lagoon IS MY BOY! The only drawback I see is that now he’s done something Creature like he probably wouldn’t direct the inevitable Creature Reboot for Universal’s Dark world.

PROG ROCK CONNECTION – Michael Shannon looks like he should be playing Bass in a Deep Purple tribute band and every GDT movie’s production design looks like the cover of Brain Salad Surgery meets Court of the Crimson King.

The wait is HOW LONG to buy freggin nachos?!?!?

Universal’s Dark World, by the way, just announced a Bride of Frankenstein, Invisible Man and Tarkus the Armadillo tank movies from the pizza by the slice kiosk in the food court about five blocks north of the convention center.

Finally, still speaking of prog rock we got a trap music remix of the Who in…

KINGSMEN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE – The model for the super spy in the 21st century; this sequel to the brutally fun Kingsmen movie can barely contain its whack a doodle James Bond on X and X-Box vibe.

https://youtu.be/kPVTgoeJhXg

The first movie was a cockamanie good time and this one looks to up the ante by heading to ‘murica and have cowboy spies. Channing Tatum confirmed rumors that his character is the son of Heath Ledger’s character from Brokeback Mountain.

PROG ROCK CONNECTION – Aside from the Who the title is called The Golden Circle which is what a ring is. So… Lord of the Rings! Prog Rock loves them some Lord of the Rings!

 

TV

 

Lots o’ TV news this year and how almost everything dovetails back into movies

STRANGER THINGS SEASON 2 – Of course this is the one we’ve all been waiting for…

https://youtu.be/vgS2L7WPIO4

I don’t know if this show can ever live up to the expectations but Damn if this isn’t a great start!

MOVIE CONNECTION – Um, see the Ghostbusters stuff? I wonder if Ready Player One has a Stranger Things world or would that create an 80’s nostalgia feedback loop?

DEFENDERS – Hoping to make up for the second half of Luke Cage and ALL of Iron Fist The Netflix Marvel team-up culminates it’s own PHASE ONE.

https://youtu.be/D_6J9BqgonU

Still have lots of goodwill left and with Bernthal’s Punisher in the mix (rockin the full on skull shirt) Netflix would have to work really hard to screw this up.

MOVIE CONNECTION Still ostensibly part of the MCU maybe there is a scene where Peter Parker and Matt Murdock trade business cards and refer to Kingpin as “Tubby”.

INHUMANS – Marvel’s answer to the mutant movie licensing problem gets their own show…

https://youtu.be/xU9Z6cKsbY0

It looks like a made for TV movie with its clean cinematography and sterile production design. Which is fine if this was done as a TV movie in ‘95. Hard to imagine this is the same shared universe as The Defenders. Still, even ten years ago if you told me Lockjaw would be on TV I wouldn’t believe you. Tarkus the Armadillo Tank auditioned for the part of Lockjaw but scheduling conflicts kept it from playing the part.

MOVIE CONNECTION – MCU again, Vin Diesel wanted to be Black Bolt but now he’s the voice of Groot. When Bolt talks will it be Vin’s voice? Also a “Special” Imax theater premiere on Sept 1st. Maybe for some contractual obligation thing.

While still on Marvel and mutants…

X-MEN: THE GIFTED – Fox TV’s X-Men adjacent show about mutants on the run…

https://youtu.be/bvyJfspGN3E

I feel obligated but this feels like a bad YA adaptation of X-Men even with Warpath in it. Plus it was stated in the panel that there will not be any crossover with movie X-characters… until the ratings drag and production ponies up for Nicholas Hoult to do an episode appearance as Beast.

There will, however be a crossover arc with Viva Laughlin… it was the only way to get Jackman to appear. The producers claimed that the arc will tie up the dangling plot threads left by early cancellation. Jackman will also sing “Sympathy for the devil” again

https://youtu.be/9vtonEFBeZk

MOVIE CONNECTION – they said no movie characters pop up; they’re just referred to in dialogue constantly. That fits in the budget.

Out of the rote into the weird…

PREACHER – This show came out of the gate at full gallop this season. Here is the mid season trailer from the con…

https://youtu.be/kUwH7LEN_MU

Preacher is fully embracing the weird sardonic genius of the comic while expanding that tone in smart world building moves. Of course now that Starr is here the show looks to get even more bananas. Bonus points for using “Poison” by Bel Biv Devoe. The music selection in this show is as nutty as everything else (I’ll never think of “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel the same way again..

MOVIE CONNECTION – From the warped minds of This is the End and Sausage Party! In any other scenario those credits wouldn’t be positives!

How ‘bout weird to real f’n weird?

DEATH NOTE – Based on the crazy japanese property and already decried by the hardcore fans… for whitewashing, I guess. A death god eats apples…

https://youtu.be/gTLnDIeSZr8

I’m familiar with Death Note having seen the Japanese live action movie a few years back. I’d occasionally find my mind drift back to the concept. Especially since November 9th 2016.

MOVIE CONNECTION: Willem Dafoe as the voice of Ryuk seems inspired. Originally it was supposed to be Gilbert Gottfried. He left the production over “Creative differences”

Will Smith comes back to TV?!?!? C’Mon Collateral Beauty wasn’t the career destroyer I think it was, right?

BRIGHT – I get it Men in Black with fantasy creatures or maybe more like Alien Nation meets World of Warcraft. Interesting idea…

https://youtu.be/6EZCBSsBxko

Word is Netflix sunk approximately a fuck ton of money into this movie. The diversity issues, timely as they are, seems a bit heavy handed in the trailer. But we’re talking about magic wands and Orc cops so maybe heavy handed is the way to go. Not sure if I’d pony up the money for theaters. Since it’s on Netflix, though, I’ll put it in my que.

 

PANELS

LEGION SEASON 2 – Noah Hawley said things are gonna get weird(er) on season two. I’m all for it. He also dropped this bomb – he’s developing a Doctor Doom movie. “Since Fox can’t seem to get the greatest super villain in the Fantastic Four’s catalogue right; I guess I’ll have to do it.  How the fuck do you screw up Doom so many times? An internet blogger? Seriously? Jesus fucking Christ! Now I gotta take this on and show these pinheads how to do a real fucking Doctor Doom!” Said Hawley never during the revealing panel. “Fucking HELL! Julian McMahon? He’s the human embodiment of snark!” The creator and showrunner of the critically acclaimed Fargo TV series didn’t sputter through gritted teeth. “Shit I gotta do everything! Yes of course the Fantastic Four will be in it and I’m gonna do them fucking right too! Fuck Miles Teller, fuck him right in the ear!” was never said by the talented, award winning writer.

Jack Kirby’s Consciousness – It’s not enough that Kirby co-created just about every superhero we all know and love but he actually saved lives! This panel was about the famed creator’s role in the ARGO operation. He contributed concept art to the “production” and helped shape the story that was the cover for the C.I.A. rescue operation. This kicks the shit outa any TED talk out there. What have you done today?

Becoming Nerdstrong – The way I understand it combining nerd activities, like D&D with exercise. My friend Pooja has been doing this for years. You burn a lot of calories killing Bugbears. Who knew?

CRASH BANDICOOT REMEMBER HIM? – Celebrating the return of the platform hopping marsupial in HD and apparently never available for us X-Box one owners.

Also the end of the cutscene with Cindy comes across a little bit rapey.

https://youtu.be/bbomK5R8E2E

46 YEARS OF TARKUS THE ARMADILLO TANK: A CELEBRATION – Featuring fan art, Lake…just Lake, several mad scientists bent on creating a Armadillo/tank hybrid for reals and the debut of the Tarkus lego ideas kit…

 

… and you thought it couldn’t get any weirder after the Big Bang Theory kit.

DARK HORSE AND ADULT SWIM: GO TEAM VENTURE – a panel hyping the “Art of…” book hitting stores later this year. I recall my grandpa telling me about this Venture Brothers show.

MARVEL MCU – A host of announcements including the tidbit that Captain Marvel takes place in the 90’s because 80’s nostalgia is almost tapped out. Skrulls are going to be part of the MCU THAT GUY PLAYING GALAGA IN AVENGERS WAS A SKRULL ALL ALONG I KNEW IT!. Michelle Pfeiffer will be Janet Van Dyne, Walter Goggins is Sunny Burch, Randall Park is Jimmy Woo, Laurence Fishburne is Dr. Bill Foster and Marvel TV got sloppy seconds with Inhumans. Marvel’s plan to have every actor ever be in at least one project is rolling along nicely. I fully expect there to be an Agents of A.T.L.A.S. and Skrull Kill Krew announcement any day now. I so want to see Gorilla Man beat some skrull ass! Maybe for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Oh, that’s right you guys in the TV and movie departments aren’t talking anymore.

 

FEW TIDBITS

Ben Affleck floats that he won’t play Batman again. It’s odd how fans went from “petition Obama to keep Affleck from playing Batman” to “shit he was the best thing about that movie” in, like 18 months.

WARNER BROTHERS TV  – previewed the soap opera Krypton because why not? Kryptonians screwed around on each other, right? We all want to see Superman’s grandpa get some strange. Also Black Lightning enters the overcrowded field of african american superheroes in all media and they did a special screening of an hour long Teen Titans Go! Episode which goes against the good idea of getting in and out of a teen titan’s story before the sugar crash from too much Cookie Crunch cereal.

The Thing has become a board game, from USA-Opoly no less, and the con edition had a special melting gross dog thing and the Tarkus Armadillo tank tokens, Kurt Russell’s beard action card and an actual flame thrower.

AVENGERS INFINITY WAR TRAILER played for an excited hall H crowd and then everyone was killed and their existence wiped from the memories of the world.

Well, that about wraps it up for this year. I fully expect to blow off SDCC 2018 and probably covering it for Fanboynation. But I’ll be back in 2019 to make shit up! See ya!

 

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