For the last seven years I’ve been attending the Adult Video News Awards. This is a fulfillment of a dream I’ve had ever since I learned the password to get into the “Secret smut room” at my local VHS rental store when I was a teenager. Luckily I don’t just attend as a common mook. Due to the fact that my fiancé is a senior editor at AVN and I don’t spiral into a drunken embarrassment in the first night I’ve been lucky enough to get all access to the show floor, all the parties and behind the scenes weirdness that goes on. I also help out on the red carpet and get to see the awards show live… there is a blimp also.
Last year I did a massive multi-column crossover starting with Adult Continuity continued with a weird funny Cultural Junkdrawer and had a happy ending with Comics on the can
As satisfying as that was I feel it would be hard to top this year so I went in a different direction: The Photo Essay! This way people don’t have to read as much and keep their ever shrinking attention span focused with pictures of pretty girls… and… other things.
Also worth noting last year I got tons of comedic gold from the fact that “Worlds of concrete” was going on at the same time. This year I decided to bag on “SHOT SHOW” which is a big AF gun convention a few miles up the road.
WARNING WARNING WARNING!
The pictures you will see could possibly be offensive to people with no sense of humor and are filled with shame at seeing themselves in the mirror right after a shower.
I’m telling you right now THERE WILL BE PICTURES OF DILDOS! WEIRD MONSTER DILDOS! A SEX DOLL WITH A DILDO PRESSED TO ITS LIPS! EVEN A GIANT DILDO WEARING A CUTE COWBOY HAT!
There will also be pictures of scantly clad girls, sex toys (other than the aforementioned DILDOS) and other weird shit! Nothing gross, morbid or illegal.
I have marked this NSFW, I have warned you about the staggering amount of DILDOS contained within. I have said that if you are looking for something to be repulsed/shamefully aroused by you might find it here in this “R” rated photo essay. I’ve given you more warning than I do for spoilers for any movies or TV I talk about!
If you have a problem with this material that’s between you and your shrink but don’t try and ruin shit for everybody else!
Beyond this point it’s on you!
Ok, here we go…
People coming into the Lobby of the Hard Rock were greeted by this giant replica of the AVN award statue… and three thousand ways to lose your kids college tuition.
The entrance to The ANE (adult novelty expo) just before opening on Thursday. Most of these people are unaware that there are literally thousands of dildos no less than fifty feet from them.
The rest don’t care.
Pro registration at Goose Island. You can feel the raw carnal energy building up in just this small patch of the show.
Not judging here; someone finds this HOT AF!
Would you believe my first thought was: “I hope that chair doesn’t tip over!”
She was a nice girl led into a life of sin by biology, freewill and her own agency… pray for her.
This woman saved me from drowning, Good thing she had those built in life preservers!
I think this was a pitch for a new Netflix kids animated series. Gonna kick the shit outta My Little Ponies
Shortly after I photographed this giant buttplug it was purchased by someone looking suspiciously like Vice President Mike Pence.
First time meeting Sinful Celest. We hit it off!
Rocco: this guy has been inside more women than the total kotex sales from 2010 to 2012.
HELP! I’ve fallen into the uncanny valley and I’m surrounded by… well, it’s not that bad I could stay for awhile…
Michelle James. We talked about the singularity and neuro memetic programming.
Heroclix is getting into some kinky shit for the next wave.
This is Bob. He makes whips and BDSM toys, is a Sagittarius and he cries every goddamn episode of “This is us”.
I didn’t have the groupon needed for the discount.
Woe betide any alligators that come skulking into the Lair looking for an easy meal.
Wow this POV scene is so immersive! I feel like I’m right there except the guy isn’t fat, the same skin color and… um, packing the same heat! Oh look a blimp!
This capsule contains:
A – A mummified midget clown
B – The new circus colors line of heavy ordinance heavily touted at the SHOT SHOW.
C – One of the kinkiest fuckin Pokémon you’ll ever see!
My new profile pic for Monster.com
No Ma I’m working in the tech field, Marketing! Yeah, I get to hang out with interesting people…
Butt Plugs for as far as the eye can see…
My mind went elsewhere when the elevator would say “Going down”.
Just rando chicks on platforms scattered about the show. Guess which one is working her way through community college.
Bad Dragon has a wide assortment of adult toys that cater directly to Guillermo Del Toro.
These guys are:
1 – LMFAO: The next generation!
2 – Some dudebros attending Shot Show up the road letting their freak flag fly.
3 – Trump’s new Secretary of Agriculture and Ambassador to Portugal.
Are they wresting or making out? Who cares when you got such an arty shot depicting the action?
This nice lady was demonstrating proper grooming techniques for your sub.
Bowling don’t get much love when there is a live girl/girl show going on. Suite Party Thursday night.
Because the SHOT SHOW was a few miles up the road occasionally an NRA lobbyist got confused and ended up at our show.
Well that covers part one. Looking back at it I might’ve oversold the amount of DILDOS I had in the photos. Hope I didn’t dash anyone’s hopes!
Part two will be out same time next week and will include more (kinda) NSFW pics including Jessica Drake, the backs of peoples heads, poorly lit nightclubs and CARDI B from a long ways away!
 NSFW photo recap! PT 1){kind=link}