Cultural Junkdrawer – This Movie Sucks: The Game

GameStop, Inc.

Hey kids, I’m back from the Popeil dimension and all is well there (thanks for asking). I even managed to bring back a vegi-washer deluxe that can automatically wash all my dirty vegetables in a matter of minutes. Of course it’s made of cheap plastic molded to the lowest standards from China, leaks water, and needs to be plugged in by a foot and half electrical cord but who wants to tirelessly scrub potatoes for hours on end? Know what I’m sayin, dawg?

I went over Zortron’s Oscar picks and was inspired to do a Cultural Junkdrawer this week instead of a Comics on the Can because 1) The timing is important for this one and 2) I am utterly baffled on what to make of the “Titian A.E.” comic I can’t seem to get through. I’ve been generally happy and regular so I can’t seem to muster the bile this book requires. I’m sure that’ll change, I’ll just cut back on my fiber and look at congress’s agenda.

As far as timing goes, though, I felt this would help a great many people; January and February are a notoriously bad time for movies. These two months are especially known as a dumping ground for product that the studios believe (rightly so) couldn’t hack it against better, higher quality movies and/or survivable outdoor weather. Occasionally there are some decent pics out there but are you going to gamble your hard earned scratch and/or risk your life in a chest deep snowstorm to find that diamond in the rough?

Worry no more and guess no more. Ole’ Uncle Mike has devised a game of sorts to help you determine if a movie is worth your money at the theater, Redbox rental to go along with that six pack and flamin’ hot Cheetos purchase, wait for it on Netflix, watch on Cinemax after you’ve dehydrated yourself with a Zane’s The Jump Off marathon, basic cable in three years when you stumble across it while eating stale pizza in your underwear and wondering what “she” is doing right now, in ten years on network television with commercials and edited for content, or avoid altogether.

It’s a point system. I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t watch. The great thing about this system is you are armed with knowledge and can determine for yourself what level of crap you can put up with. Remember kids, you can also apply this game to other times of the year. Because crappy movies don’t just happen in the first two months. I’ll give examples when needed also. So here goes, get out your Yahtzee pads…

THE MOVIE IS RELEASED IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY – 20pts

For reasons stated above. Note you have to take into consideration initial release not when the movie goes wide release and finally opens in your Bob’s movie-rama megaplex in North Little Rock, Arkansas (which is sad because North Little Rock was the best you could come up with for a town name?). The Imitation Game is total Oscar bait and is pretty good at that, but odds are it wasn’t playing on a screen next to Taken 3 or Strange Magic until it got those Academy nods. So if it has Oscar (and to a much lesser extent Golden Globe) noms it’s been out since November in LA and New York. Doesn’t count. I’m talking The Boy Next Door and Mortdecai here.

THE MOVIE IS RELEASED IN LATE SEPTEMBER OR EARLY OCTOBER – 10 pts

Too early for Oscars prestige, too late for summer $$$. Its fewer points because this might be the only real estate a smaller decent film can get (c’mon, I’m not a monster here).

MOVIE IS NOT SCREENED FOR CRITICS – 100pts

A dead giveaway. The conversation always goes like this…

“Shit buckets, this movie sucks, what do we do?”
“It’s bound to have a 3% on rotten tomatoes if we let the critics review it. But it does have Bruce Willis so we don’t screen it and get at least an opening weekend from people that will see a Bruce Willis movie because, ya-know… Bruce Willis, before word of mouth and the unavoidable reviews kill it.”

As a side note every film critic I’ve ever met LOVES to take a chunk out of their weekend, their personal time that they would otherwise spend getting drunk, visiting their sick mother, or fapping to Truffaut, to watch a shitty movie and write a review for it.

THE MOVIE’S AD LINE IS “FROM THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU…” – 40pts

A desperate scramble to equate a good movie in the same genre to the crappy movie being shilled to you at the moment. A comparable example would be
“From the political party that brought you Abraham Lincoln”.

CORPORATE SPONSORED NET NEUTRALITY-SHREDDING LEGISLATION!”

By the way this tactic is deployed across the calendar; case in point this…

Right at the: 31 mark – “Hell yeah X-Men: Days of Future Past was great! This movie will be great too. Even though it doesn’t have the same director, cast, crew, shared universe, writer(s), sense of purpose, creative vision, coherent sense of story, or proper reverence for the source material, it DOES have the same corporation that funded and distributed the movie I liked (along with about thirty movies that I may have liked, hated, or never seen) before so… it’s a slam dunk bro!”

Not to hate on the new Fantastic Four movie, which has an uphill climb for obvious reasons, but this trailer makes me think it’s a commercial for a vaguely sinister tech company. I expect the trailer to end with a corporate logo for “OMNI-CORP” and the ad line “You don’t know who we are but we’re EVERYWHERE!”

Ok, I’m hating a little.

There are a multitude of variants on the “From the ___ that brought you ____” all with different point values…

IF THE MOVIE MENTIONED AS REFERENCE ALSO SUCKED – 50pts

At the 1:11 mark. 300: Rise of an Empire. This is the best Legendary pictures can do? A movie so bad that an Eva Green nude scene can’t help it?

“FROM THE MIND OF (insert successfully branded director here)” – 15pts

Not entirely a bad thing because the branded person had some input during the creative process. But that brand name ISN’T the director, they just gave some input and collected a check. That could be good (Guillermo Del Toro with Book of Life) or tainted by murky feelings of betrayal and lowered expectations (George Lucas with Strange Magic). Either way it’s slight of hand.

“FROM THE PRODUCERS OF (insert a good movie)” – 30pts

Usually this is not a marquee brand producer like Scott Rudin or Jerry Bruckheimer, but someone you’ve never heard of. Not to discount the work they did but the dozen producers (not counting J. Lo herself who got a producer’s credit for showing up) associated with The Boy Next Door aren’t necessarily what I look for in a quality movie-going experience.

“FROM THE DIRECTOR OF _____” – 0pts

BUT…

Give 5pts for every movie the director has made BETWEEN the ad line movie and the one being sold. For example “From the director of DIE HARD! (John McTiernan)”. Give 5pts each for Hunt for Red October, Medicine Man, Last Action Hero (make it 10pts for that one… just because), Die Hard with a Vengeance, The 13th Warrior (more on that one later), The Thomas Crown Affair, Rollerball, and Basic for a total of 45pts. Yes, Red October and Thomas Crown were decent movies, so why don’t they get mentioned? I’d prefer to remember Die Hard over Medicine Man… so would the producers of the current movie.

THE MOVIE IS A SEQUEL OR A SEQUEL TO A SEQUEL – 20PTS

IF THAT SEQUEL MOVIE IS RELEASED IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY – 50 bonus points
A reliable brand name finding itself in the dumping ground of the first two months? Bad, bad sign there. Tak3n I’m looking at you.

THE MOVIE HAS ICE CUBE IN IT – 10pts

This used to have a higher point value but Cube has found his niche as a supporting actor. No shame in being fourth or fifth on the call sheet of a major motion picture.

THE MOVIE WAS MOVED FROM A BETTER RELEASE DATE – 30pts

Sometimes necessary to get it right, more often it needs serious retooling.

THE MOVIE HAS GLOWING SNIPPETS OF REVIEWS – 30pts

Ass Werewolves from the Planet of Strippers is… amazing…”
“…I was glued to my seat…”
“…Stunning…”
“… the best movie I’ve seen all year…”

Because, usually the full review reads like this:
Ass Werewolves from the Planet of Strippers is SO BAD IT’S amazing IT EVER GOT MADE!”
“BECAUSE SOME ASS HAT DUMPED DR. PEPPER ALL OVER MY CHAIR I was glued to my seat. AT LEAST I HOPE IT WAS DR. PEPPER AND NOT SOME TEENAGERS BIOMASS AS A RESULT OF A HAND JOB IN AN EMPTY THEATRE”.
“ IT’S SIMPLY stunning THAT, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, I’M FORCED TO SIT THROUGH SOMETHING AS INSIPID AS THE WASTE OF DIGITAL STORAGE THAT THIS “MOVIE” IS”.
“THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL WAS the best movie I’ve seen all year. ASS WEREWOLVES FROM THE PLANET OF STRIPPERS SHOULD BE USED AS A LESS HUMANE ALTERNATIVE TO WATERBOARDING DETAINEES IN GUANTANAMO BAY.”
You get the idea.

MICHAEL BAY PRODUCED – 20pts

MICHAEL BAY DIRECTED – 100pts

I don’t feel the need to elaborate on this for obvious reasons.

THE MOVIE IS BASED ON A BESTSELLING YA NOVEL YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF IF YOU’RE OVER THIRTY – 40pts

At this point I’m gonna write a YA about an attractive loner who discovers a world beyond normal experience and then has fantastic adventures. Thus confirming the specialness of the character and, by proxy, the reader. I promise it’ll be more The Hunger Games and Harry Potter than Beautiful Creatures, Vampire Academy, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising, Eragon, Percy Jackson, The Spiderwick Chronicles, The Giver, I am Number Four, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, or a dozen others that didn’t measure up.

IT IS A “FOUND FOOTAGE” MOVIE – 35pts

All I’ll say is that I was rooting for the Blair Witch.

THE MOVIE HAS SUPERFLUOUS SCENES SHOT IN CHINA – 30pts

See here for all the explanation you need.

THE MOVIE IS THE NEXT RELEASE FROM AN ACTOR THAT JUST WON AN ACADEMY AWARD – 20pts

Practically a law, like thermodynamics or that bothersome restraining order thing Bianca Beauchamp has on me. Though not intentional this happens too much to be a coincidence. Seventh Son, I’m looking at you!

YOU SAW A FULL TRAILER FOR THE MOVIE A YEAR (OR MORE) AGO, THEN NOTHING FOR MONTHS – 50pts

Take this legendary example…

(Note at the :17 mark btw)

I saw this trailer a full sixteen months before it came out and you know what, when I saw a new trailer it was this…

SO, IF THE MOVIE HAS A DIFFERENT NAME 50 BONUS PTS!

I know “exception that proves the rule”. Well, no, because you might recall seeing a trailer for The Seventh Son at this time last year. I do. (Not looking good for Seventh Son).

Let’s look at some current and upcoming movies shall we?

PROJECT ALMANAC (Rotten tomatoes rating 35%) – January release – 20pts, Found footage movie – 35pts, Michael Bay produced – 20pts
TOTAL – 75pts (possibly a premium cable watch if I’m stuck in a hotel room during a heavy rainstorm)

TAKEN 3 OR TAK3N DEPENDING ON YOUR EDUCATION LEVEL (Rotten tomatoes rating 10%) – January release 20 pts, a sequel to a sequel 20pts +50 bonus pts, I don’t know if there is a China scene so it slips by on that one but they did kill Famke Janssen and personally that’s another 30 points because she’s still in my top ten.
TOTAL – 90pts or 140pts depending on if you’re in love with Famke (stay away from her, she’s MINE!)

Jupiter Ascending – Feb release – 20pts, Moved from a better release date – 30pts, “From the directors of The Matrix Trilogy” – gonna count Reloaded and Revolutions as movies from then to now so there is 10pts, Speed Racer – 5pts, Cloud Atlas – 5pts, Isn’t based on a YA novel but sure looks like it is so I’ll give it half points 20pts
TOTAL – 90pts
C’mon kids, I’m pullin for ya, I want this to be good!

The Seventh Son – Feb release – 20pts, “From the studio that brought you…” – 40pts, the “brought you…” movie also sucked – 50pts, Original trailer a year old – 50pts, based on a YA novel – 40pts
TOTAL – 200pts (if Julianne Moore wins an Oscar 220pts)

WE HAVE A WINNER!

By the way, is Jeff Bridges playing the same character he played in The Giver? It sure seems like it. I’m guessing from his sour face and mumbling diction he still has some chaw he’s working on from True Grit.

I hope this system works out for you and you can thank me by sending me the money you saved.

Anytime Costumes

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