Cultural Junkdrawer ‘Avengers Infinity War’: Analysis, Conjecture and Outright Lies

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Analysis

Conjecture

Outright lies

 

A nearly second by second breakdown of the trailer we’ve all seen about fifty times already.

 

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF CULTURAL JUNKDRAWER!

 

Well it’s dropped! The teaser trailer for Avengers Infinity War has broke the internet; getting more views than that Miranda Kerr wardrobe malfunction that got pulled down before you heard about it just now.

WOW!

I mean, WOW!

Here it is again just in case you haven’t seen it the required thirty times your geek cred demands.

 

Since I have no inside track, like most everybody else out there, and since I’m making the most out of less than two and a half minutes of material… like most out there… I’ll have to basically make stuff up.

That’s why it’s analysis, conjecture and outright lies.

Also, ya gotta use the video because I’m doing a second by second breakdown of this trailer and I’ll be damned if I’m going to post over a hundred and sixty pictures for the amount of money I make writing for this site*. I need to get this out there before Infinity War trailer breakdown fatigue sets in. Which will be about 2 am Friday morning by my calculations. Gotta move fast in the cutthroat world of making shit up for clicks. By that time every geek centric site will have a breathless analysis of this much anticipated movie and our ranking will drop to just behind “Bernie’s trailer -o- rama” and www.jerky.com/The-Original/Jerky-Club‎.

Alright kids bust out the moisturizing lotion and your personal notes for comparison. Here we go…

 

:01 – :04 –  Apparently the majority of this movie takes place on Mars or the little known planet in the Marvel comic universe called Mapleglazeddoughnut which has red clouds and was visited by Terrax once before Galactus ate it.  

:06 – Stark, in a shocking turn of events, has converted to Islam. We see him here praying to Mecca. Ant Man’s first appearance in the trailer!

:07 – first dramatic quick fade.

:10 – Banner has crashed into the Sanctum Sanctorum basement. I have it on good authority that the Russo brother have digitally removed all the Hostess Ding Dongs and Flamin hot Cheetos so as to avoid spoilers.

It should also be noted that this scene is similar to what happened in Silver Surfer #50 with a die cut silver foil cover from the 90’s. Surfer, after a clash with Thanos, plunges through the cool psychedelic window in Strange’s house. Which led directly into Infinity Gauntlet.

:13 –  second dramatic quick fade.

:14 – :18 – It seems like this scene takes place after Vision shows Scarlet Witch his hardware.

Ant Man was there filming the whole thing for XHamster.

:19 –  A dramatic cut to black this time.

:20 – :24 – Thor’s new thing: looking contemplatively out windows. He did a decent amount in Ragnarock but there is more this movie. Alternate theory is he’s in a giant space terrarium created by the High Evolutionary.

:24 – Another dramatic quick fade.

:25 – :28 – Dialogue in this scene. Banner: You’re blonde now. I banged a lot of different chicks over the last two years on Sakkar as the Hulk. No redheads… red skin, yes… but no red heads.

:28 – Widow: “Awww you’re so sweet!”

:29 – Awkward quick fade.

:33 – You can see, hidden in the flashing text, “Paul is dead”.

:35 – “I got… a secret…” Can clearly be seen in the title video. THIS IS CLEARLY A SECRET ILLUMINATI SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE! Shield your eyes!

:37 – Third Ant Man appearance!

:43 –  Dramatic quick fade up this time

:46 – Tony is wearing his new Iron Jogger suit which will be featured prominently in A:IW

Doctor Strange is wearing the Eye of Agamotto. Not pictured is the Ear of Saskatchewan, Nose of Wafflelicious and Throat of Kellyclarkson

Looks like Wong put on some weight. Too much Bao, buddy.

Ant Man is on Strange’s shoulder if you squint.

:47-51 – Stark looks like he realizes the info he got on goop.com about particular stones is incorrect.

:53 – Peter is watching the footage of Miranda Kerr’s wardrobe malfunction on a torrent site with Ant Man. His spider sense goes off because his computer just got Malware.

:57 – SPOILERS! This is a Stargate crossover! Just like in my Slash Fic! I’ve been waiting YEARS for this!

:58 – Overheard in writing session – “Every Superhero movie has a portal over the city! We’ve done it, like three times!”

“Yes but this portal doesn’t face down… It faces EAST!”

“Yes, something new! Let’s go for it!”

 1:00 – You can clearly see a quick shot of Jackson Weele, destined to become Spidey foe “Big Wheel” on Peter’s bus (3rd from left).

1:01 – Maybe superheroes will have to fly through this and many other rings in a set amount of time to complete a mission. Just spitballin here.

 1:03 – Stark, Strange, Banner, Ant Man and Wong just before the first big musical number!

 This is also the time in the movie where we’ll see Luke Cage, Daredevil, Punisher, Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, all the Agents of SHIELD, The Runaways, Howard the Duck, Stan Lee and multiple supporting characters looking up at the sky in awe/disbelief.

No Inhumans, though… hmmmm.

1:3.5 – Dramatic quick cut to black.

1:04 – I guess all that effort to save the people of Asgard was for naught.

1:05 – Loki reverting to type. Giving Thanos the Space stone in exchange for the scoop on Cable in Deadpool 2

1:10 – :15 – Thanos has two too many chinbutts! GODDAMNIT! THIS WHOLE TRAILER IS RUINED FOR ME NOW!

Thanos has crossed vast interstellar distances to finally get his helicopter!

They better have this helicopter or I’m gonna crucify them on my twitter feed!

It should be noted that Thanos, unlike some OTHER conquering interstellar warlord (who shall remain nameless but rhymes with Parkbride) shows up for a fight!

1:15 -17 – Iron Spider! This suit will be exclusive DLC for PS4 when the game comes out. Ant Man will be available on first day bonus DLC then eventually on the Ultimate edition.

1:20 – :21 – Thor working out on his space flexmaster. Yours for only twenty five payments of $85.99

1:20.5 – A quick shot of Black Order member Proxima Midnight. Other Black Order members are Corvus Glave, Black Dwarf, Ebony Maw, Kanye West, Randy Tito Jermaine and Bad Bad Leroy Brown.

1:21 – :23 – No joke; this is just freggin bad-ass!

1:24 – SPOILER! I guess Black Panther wins his fight with Kilmonger from the Black Panther movie.

1:25 – Captain America walks out of a dramatic quick fade!

1:26 – SPOILER! Cap ditches his usual hoodie and ballcap disguise for a beard.

 1:28 – Scarlet Witch possibly looking back on an embattled Vision and thinking she’ll have to go back to her HItachi for machine love.

Alternate theory: she’s telling Ant Man to run for help, the Black Order member Kanye West is here!

1:30 – Hulkbuster cinches hot holiday toy 2018!

1:31 – Scar Jo reacting to being told that phase 4 doesn’t have a Black Widow solo movie.

1:32 – More characters looking up at the sky in awe/disbelief in movie. This scene has Electro, Reed Richards, James Gunn, Speedball, Squirrel Girl, Forbush man, Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers, Great Lakes Avengers, Spongebob Squarepants, Aunt May, Bootsy Collins and the Parliament Funkadelic, John McClane from Die Hard, Betty White, the micronaut characters from when Marvel had the comic rights but were not toys so Marvel can still use them, and this…

 

And this

1:34 – SOILERS! Thanos uses giant carbon snake cones… you know the things that you light with a match and they burn out into ash snakes… to take over the earth.

1:36 – These creatures must be some Doc Ock/Lizard hybrid things.

1:37 – Thanos didn’t like Spidey’s joke about signing a copy of Jonah Hex for him.

1:39 – Seriously, Tony still has the Iron Jogger suit on?

 Ant Man is eating some chinese take out in this shot

1:41-:42 – Vision gets the same malware Peter got while looking for the Miranda Kerr wardrobe malfunction.

1:43 – Thanos adds the space stone to his gauntlet. He already has the purple one… which I think is the Funk stone. Lesse there is Time, Space, Power, Mind and… sorry it’s the soul stone, not the funk stone.

My bad.

1:49 – Any bets on what special packaging the Phase 3 collector’s set will be next year?

1:51 – Iron Man down like a sack of wet flour! Lot good the mark 367 armor did him.

1:52 – First appearance of Winter Solider here. If you look closely you can see Ant Man on his shoulder.

1:54 – This shot looks like every NBA team photo ever!

1:55 – Falcon goes up against ED209 from Robocop!

Ant Man is riding shotgun on his right shoulder.

1:56 – Maybe a revisIt of the Gungan battle scene from Phantom Menace? SYNERGY!

1:58 – “Wait! Alien dudes got laser guns and shit! We got fuckin SPEARS?!?! This is gonna go well!”

Other angles of this epic battle scene:

Breathtaking!

2:01 – SPOILER! My inside source tells me Falcon and War Machine settle their beef by a thrilling round of rock, paper, scissors!

2:03 – 2:12 – Dramatic smash cut to Giant Avengers logo! Ten years and movie history in the making!

2:13 – Dramatic smash cut to black!

2:16 – WAIT! When the fuck did Thor lose an eye!?!?! SPOILERS, GUYS, GODDAMNIT!

2:17 – Finally Marvel Earth and Marvel galactic meet! I get choked up every time I’ve watched this.

Guardians of the Galaxy excited they can go to Earth on a day other than Halloween!

See Ant Man on Rocket’s shoulder?

Well that’s it! Once again I’m just wildly speculating on a lot of this stuff but I’m 100% on the Black Order member Bad Bad Leroy Brown.

99.6% sure.

 

THINGS TANGENTIALLY RELATED TO THE MAIN COLUMN BUT I COULDN’T FIT IN ORGANICALLY…

As of this writing the trailer has had fifty million views. Half of them have been by people other than me.

Yes, I did say I was gonna do a bit on Justice League but that was so two weeks ago.

I actually worked with Miranda Kerr this year on a commercial. No wardrobe malfunction, sadly.

The commercial was set at Christmas time so you should be seeing it soon.

We shot it in June.

This is typical film crew time warp, like shooting the Thanksgiving episode before Halloween.

* That salary would be $0.00 dollars BTW.

If you’re interested in (in)Human/Robot love I did a CJ on it a few years ago right HERE

I’m a voter for the Adult Video News awards again this year.

That isn’t tangentially related to the column but I’m telling everyone I know.

Or IS IT!?!? I do write ADULT CONTINUITY here on Fanboy!

Big Wheel; a villain so lame the Sinister Six wouldn’t even have him on their bowling team.

 If you act now not only will you get the Space Flex Master but the space broccoli steamer absolutely free!**

**We mean regular earth broccoli not space broccoli; they hate being steamed and threatened to vaporize our planet if we tried that again.

Here are a few more shots of that epic battle scene…

Thanos better have that fucking helicopter!

 

Shop Deadpool tees in our officially licensed Marvel store!

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