Adult Continuity Issue Two – X-Men XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

Sure, everybody loves porno (or is that Raymond?) but too rarely is an adult feature given any type of expectation to rise to. Usually art direction, set dressing, and (obviously) wardrobe gets the short… ahem, shaft when a hardcore video gets shot. Usually nobody cares, story or characters…phttt… that’s not what you’re renting it for. In recent years, though, the adult studios have had a serious nemesis – tube sites. An unending assault of no-budget clips that exemplify the “don’t give a shit, it’s just porn!” attitude. Which is okay for a lonely Wednesday night when you’ve got nothing on your lap but your laptop but “diminishing returns” hardly describes it in the long run.

Being a teen of the 80’s I came to expect a little bit from my adult entertainment. This might be because the volume of money and a mastery of the distribution model the industry had during the 80’s and 90’s allowed for some experimentation in form and style. Maybe my tastes were mostly formed before the advent of gonzo style. But I’m a demographic and to keep my demographic buying and renting what I affectionately term “Smut” the “Studios” had to come up with a different plan of attack. The “studios” of today had to up their game to compete with free fapping material on-line. They had to do what the hand-held, shot in a basement with a mattress and fluorescent lighting millennial masturbation material couldn’t do; go bigger!

Vivid, Hustler, and Wicked, in particular, could sink some cheddah into having sets and costumes and telling some sort of story that normally is fast forwarded past till the main attraction. Oh yeah, there is that. So the non-boinking portion of a title had to have a catch too. Creating content from nothing is a lot easier said than done. Especially when you specialize in dialogue like “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”

One sub-genre of adult film that had a decent pulse was “parody”, and the sub-sub genre with a built-in audience was the superhero parody. Here you had a group that was primed and ready; folks who had fantasized about being able to touch Rogue, tie-up Wonder Woman, or see if Superman really earns the “Man of Steel” handle (or if all of Batman’s toys are black, how Thor uses his hammer, how She-Hulk summons the jury, if Hank Pym is a Giant man or Ant … oh, you get the idea). Luckily there were people that understood that (like the anal scenes) you couldn’t half-ass. The commitment to what was being parodied had to be there. Hardcore geeks (different hardcore, guys) are hard to please and can smell exploitation of their passions from a great distance away. Not that it would stop them from consuming such product; a million bootleg copies of the Star Wars Christmas Special or Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four is evidence of that. But DAMNIT we get testy when it feels like hearts are not put into the work. Luckily a few in the adult industry understood, being fans themselves.

But not everybody. Some still think that if you put Chanel Preston in front of a green screen dressed like Lara Croft, then the three-way, you got it covered. Nope. That’s why “Adult Continuity” is out here on the rain-slicked rooftops steadfastly seeking out bogus attempts to rip-off your hard earned designated fap-dollar with sub-par product. I’m not here to review the sex scenes or talk about the greater impact erotic images might have on the world at large. No, Adult Continuity looks at the effort put into emulating the “Superhero” side of the Superhero porn parody equation. What they got right, what they slacked on, is it worth YOUR time. Because I know you’re not just looking for a free clip. This isn’t Wednesday night after all!

X-Men XXX_An Axel Braun Parody_DVD_AVN SIZEThis issue I bookend Axel Braun (not THAT kind of bookend… oh wait, a check of Urban Dictionary reveals no slang term of Bookend as a sexual act. Missed opportunity there, guys). Last issue I reviewed the start of the Superhero parody movement with Axel’s 60’s Batman parody. This time around (the world) I mutter about his last superhero parody X-Men XXX. To keep the whole process pure (and myself hydrated) I watched the non-sex version included in the package.

The plot loosely resembles the same plot as the mainstream movie; Magneto wants to use Rogue’s abilities for some nefarious plot. Also Wolverine is brought into the X-Men’s fold. But there are change-ups. Magneto gets Rogue and somehow (probably through boning) convinces her to his side. While not in line with Mutant cinematic universe, Rogue starting out as a bad guy IS in line with comic continuity. The team line-ups are different from Mutant CU also; Magneto’s brotherhood has Mags, the White Queen, and The Blob. The X-Men line-up is Chuck, Storm, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Polaris, Kitty Pryde, and Colossus.

Braun and co-writer Mark Logan are cherry picking from the comics for characters and their choices are in-line with traditional couplings from the source material. Which makes sense when part of the sell is graphic depictions of sex acts. Furthermore the pairings stay true to characterizations; there is no massive mutant orgy at the end. Kitty and Peter, Cyclops and Jean, Rogue and Magneto (with a little help from Emma Frost but, hey, she was a sex therapist before turning to evil). Wolverine and Polaris hook-up, which to my knowledge, has never happenedin the comics, but Wolvie is a man-whore and I don’t see Havok hanging ‘round. So I guess Polaris is single and ready to mingle.

A lot of griping was made at the time of the mainstream X-Men movie about the uniforms; my favorite being someone calling them “Gimp” (from Pulp Fiction) outfits. I always imagined that Bryan Singer actually auditioned the original costumes and came to the conclusion that, in a cinematic sense, they didn’t work. “I dunno, I just don’t think bright red and purple work for Mckellen. And Jackman looks GHASTLY in yellow and black! Maybe we’ll go with black leather. What do you think Gimp?”
“Mmugguph!” Gimp gives thumbs up from where he’s tied (To avoid litigious action I want to clarify that this is a humorous fictional exchange; everybody knows Singer is into twinks and not Gimps)

The Parody’s fidelity to the comic version just says “screw it” and embraces the silliness of the comic costumes. With a few exceptions, Singer was probably right and those exceptions have less to do with the costumes than how the actress is (both literally and figuratively) pulling it off. But that’s fine; the attention to detail is the mission statement for Braun’s parodies. So blue body suit with yellow tighty-whities on the OUTSIDE for Cyclops it is!

The actors are a mixed bag. Some don’t have a lot to work with but the script at least tries to give each character decent screen time. Tommy Gunn has been Wolverine a few times before for Braun and he always does a good read on the gruff bad-ass aspect of the ol’ Canucklehead. Mom and dad Gunn would be proud. Allie Haze and Katie St. Ives are the spitting images of Rogue and Kitty respectively. Skin Diamond doesn’t have the commanding presence of Storm but then the budget didn’t allow for her to soar on the wind either. Chanel Preston gives some emotional life to the limited time Polaris is on-screen, she is usually the best actor in everything I see her in anyway. Everyone looks the part even down to Mike Moz rockin Ming the Merciless eyebrows on Xavier (which evokes particular artist’s interpretations of Chuck). The only misstep is Jeanie Marie as Emma Frost who comes across as a “real housewife of Mobile Alabama” after several gin rickeys and not the regal man-eater that is The White Queen. Tanya Tate would’ve been a much better choice, but maybe she wasn’t available. The story even manages to squeeze in Boliver Trask, Senator Kelly, and an army of 1997 CGI Sentinels.

To add to the way the comics (and now the movies too) do things X-Men XXX ends on a cliff hanger; there is no confrontation, just a build-up. All the pieces are in place for the next exciting issue, so ya gotta come back. It is a credit to Braun and company that I actually want to see how it all plays out.

PASSING FANCYS

For those unhip to early 21st century street slang “Cheddah” = “Money”.

Other sexual/superhero innuendo: How Hawkman wields his club. If The Thing’s carpet matches the drapes. See a very visible Invisible Woman. If Drax is really a destroyer! Watch Oliver Queen sheath his arrow! Is the Flash the fastest man alive in everything? Wither or not Iron Man has particular attachments, Black Widow wear a merry widow. See Harley Quinn naked… I could go on but there is only so much time in a day.

Fap-Dollar is my Dubstep DJ persona!

Bookend as defined by Urban Dictionary: An event in the game of ultimate Frisbee in which a player makes a huge defensive play causing a turnover on one end of the field, and then later scores by catching the disc in his own end zone on the other end of the field.

You were thinking of Spit roasting.

Maybe in light of Josh Trank’s failed 2015 version Corman’s Fantastic Four is a bad example.

“Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” was a real porno title.

In this version Ororo is a thief AND a prostitute before Chuck recruits her. It’s porn, there has to be some wiggle room.

As a good example of how deep the writer’s fandom goes Polaris tells Wolverine that Magneto might be her dad. It doesn’t advance the plot but it’s a nice character moment and good fan service.

Mercifully there is no sex scene with the Blob.

Peter O’Tool plays the Blob, he also plays Kingpin in the Spiderman XXX parody.

I’m sure you’ve figured out it’s not the Lawrence of Arabia Peter O’Tool.

Tanya Tate might’ve played Sue Richards in one of the Avengers parodies but if Chris Evans can be the Human Torch and Captain America…

See you next issue of “Adult Continuity” true believers!

 

 

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