Adult Continuity Presents: ASSult on AVN Pt 1: Sex Dolls and Concrete!

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

ASSault on AVN 2018 Pt1: Sex Dolls and Concrete!
An Adult Continuity/ Cultural Junkdrawer crossover spectacular!

Warning some pictures are NSFW! Or for people who get upset seeing long turgid blue imp dicks.

Fair warning.

Every year sometime in mid to late January a large portion of industry professionals gather together in Sin City to celebrate their hard work, hype new innovations in their field, network, drink and carouse with old friends and acknowledge the cream of the crop in performance and technical categories.

No, I’m not talking about the “World of Concrete” conference. Though that was also going on in Vegas at the same time. I’m talking about the AVN Expo and awards show.

If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, the AVN Awards is basically the Oscars of porn.

Now I got your attention.

In a lot of ways the AVN Expo is similar to the much more popular and internationally covered ”World of Concrete” conference. There are professionals in their chosen field gathered together from around the world to discuss new techniques. WOC for example had the Concrete Polishing Luncheon & Forum (obviously I don’t need to get into the details of the finery of concrete polishing; we all know something about it.) while AVN had the “Riding the Storm Out” seminar about how adult stores deal with natural disasters and how to keep your business afloat if your customers are literally floating.**

WOC offers ACI certification while Performers attending AVN get STD tested.***

WOC displays and debuts equipment related to its industry, like the app enabled digital concrete mixer. AVN has the same though it’s more like this…


Wait this isn’t the WOC seminar on new mixing techniques?

WOC had this…


I CAN TAKE A PILL FOR CONCRETE SLUMP

While AVN had this…

       Hmmm, did I forget to pack anything?

Essentially AVN is a trade show/fan convention: cheap cloth bags emblazoned with company logos, booth babes, and a chance for the fans to meet the objects of their fandom.

Personally the WOC fandom is pretty hardcore; riot police almost had to be called in during the 8000, Propane-Powered ride-on scraper demo.

Wednesday – My friend (hereafter referred to as Blam) and I get off our plane at McCarran international and catch an UBER to the convention. The conversation went something like this:

Me: “What do you think? It’s a little different than last year; I don’t recall seeing the ALUFLEX slab floor system being so prominently featured in the adult novelty area before but hey; different strokes, Ya’know.”
BLAM: “Who are all those guys brandishing metal bars at each other?”
ME: Oh, shit that UBER driver dropped us off at World of Concrete! Right in the middle of a REBAR RUMBLE! Shit is about to get real up in here, let’s bail!

One Lyft ride later…

HARD ROCK HOTEL and CASINO home of the 2018 AVN Expo!
Blam and I stand in line at the Goose Island bar which is doubling as registration. Blam and I are both helping out AVN this week and I’ve never had to stand in line to get my badge and gold wristband before. I can’t reach Sherri (Doctor Doctor, give me the news seminar) but I see Timothy. He’s too busy to talk or I highly suspect he just doesn’t want to. I find out that the AVN offices are over in the paradise tower so we go there. There are no passes or wristbands so it’s suggested we go to Goose island where the registration line has now doubled. Finally Sherri shows up. We are allowed past the security guard who now has a perfect understanding of English compared to when I was talking to him and get our badges and wristbands. Blam gets a gold one and after some badgering I get a silver one. I barely notice till Sherri mentions that the silver isn’t all access. Fortunately Sherri (my wonderful girlfriend if I didn’t mention) has a spare gold wristband. So now I feel extra special with both a gold and silver wristband. Sherri has to do another seminar (Lay the Law Down a legal seminar) and Blam and I are left to our own devices. More specifically other devices because we check out the ANE part of the show.

ANE is where all the toys and novelty items are being presented. Much more business like; it’s where vendors, retailers, and manufacturers all have booths and trade business cards.

This does not mean, though, that this isn’t fertile ground for comedy. A large majority of my photos (that I can show on a PG… OK, R with an explanation website) came from this area. First was the newest in kitchenware design…

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE REAL FUN UNCLOGGING THIS DRAIN!

 For a moment I thought I had somehow wandered into the WOC sex offender pavilion or David Lynch’s plumbing supply store. Nope; a French company designed this sink attachment modeled after a real live French woman. I’m not judging, really, I’m not, but unless I’m remodeling Harvey Weinstein’s bathroom I don’t see much call for this.

We did get free samples of this…

NUTSY NEVER FULFILLED HIS CHILDHOOD DREAM OF BEING A CEREAL MASCOT.

I’m 48 years old; I’m not gonna further complicate my already problematic and shame filled masturbation ritual with a biomass collection net. Though this might have some uses in DNA gathering for law enforcement. The cute mascot already looks like he belongs on a CDC billboard for safe sex.****

But the big thing this year was SEX DOLLS! Sex dolls everywhere! Big sex dolls…

BECKY DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN GUYS JUST LOOK AT YOUR BREASTS! I’M NOT A SEX OBJECT… OH WAIT, YES I AM.

Little sex dolls

Man shown for size comparison to doll. Man is NOT Woody Allen cruising for a date.
Maybe.

Demon sex dolls…

Weird thing is: enough people find this sexy to justify the expense of making it.

Riverdale sex dolls…

Up next on the CW: Riverdale or Supernatural, we’re not even sure anymore!

Even a sex doll designed by Vice President Mike Pence…

Technically, VEEP,  you COULD take it to dinner without your wife present…

There were so many sex dolls that, if through some sorcery or high concept sci-fi premise, they came to life the humans in the building would be screwed. Not in the good way either. Imagine if there was a Doctor Who episode where the Nestene reveal a rival planet but instead of living plastic it’s silicone!*****

There was even anime pillow sex dolls though I think that the silicone ones would look down upon their pillow sisters for being “soft” and only having one orifice.

A totally different meaning to “Fluff before use”.

 Other items we came across (excuse the pun) were massage chairs, bongs, a vibrating foot board that a nice Chinese lady insisted would help me lose weight. She coerced me onto it and it buzzed so intensely that I was worried that my teeth would rattle out. “Now just stay there for five minutes” she insisted but after one minute of being shook violently I begged off saying that the board loosened my insides and I had to go to the bathroom. Which wasn’t that much of a lie.

In fact in recent years there has been a rise in Chinese manufacturers appearing at these trade shows. Some are pushing their own designs, some pushing knock offs of American designs, all willing to dedicate their cities full of easily exploitable labor and lax environmental laws to making masturbation toys for us decadent westerners. At least that’s what the booth babe for “Sing Thai fun toys for people” told me.

For the longest time the bulk of the adult toys were designed, manufactured and distributed by five companies known collectively by the sinister moniker “The Founders”. They’re not bad by any stretch, in fact they have made some good products. I tell you this, though, if the occasion calls for an evil, shadowy organization in one of my works of fiction guess what name I’m gonna use.

 The Adult Novelty Expo really encompasses the breadth of human sexuality. There was every kind of dildo, vibrator, stroker, leather mask, latex, lingerie and lube you can imagine, several you couldn’t possibly and some you wouldn’t dare (see above drilldo picture). It is quite humbling and gives a sense of perspective that the latitude for crazy sex shit is a lot wider than you might think. And that there is a well established network of designers, manufacturers, retail (both chain and boutique) and customer base for it all. As the signs for the ANE show claimed “It’s the business of pleasure”.

This is a thought that occurs to me more than once through the course of my adventure.

This being Wednesday the AVN expo part wasn’t officially open yet but having all access we were able to walk the show floor as things were still being set up. There is an eerie and tense atmosphere to a convention show floor barren of attendees; I’m sure the Carmix people (booth C6735) over at WOC felt it while laying out brochures for their new 3500 TC model******. Like a calm before the storm. I did manage to gather some My Free Cams swag for the give away I’m planning on doing for this crossover event; lighters, lip balm, sunglasses all featuring the MFC green on a white field logo. Blam gathered several free condoms because, being his first time here, he was already falling victim to an unrealistic expectation of extreme and frequent sexual congress. I, being a veteran of such events, grabbed several packets of lube samples.

That evening we were made aware of a party in one of the penthouses for the novelty side of the show but featuring something dreadfully important to my business here at AVN: An open bar.

On our way to the party I saw, for the fourth time in the day, a dude that looked like Jesus dressed in pajamas walking the same corridor. This barely made a dent.

Legend tells of parties in the penthouse: sex shows, naked girls, decadence and salaciousness rivaling Ancient Rome. This party did have a hot tub and a stripper pole but the craziest it got was the host of the party (a dude) floating in the hot tub in a doughnut shaped floaty. The vivacious Karla Lane was fiending on best new starlet nominee Riley Nixon but outside of some boob grabbing on Karla’s part things stayed PG. Sherri had to make an appearance at this party. She introduced me to a couple from Houston. The husband is a first amendment lawyer (you’ve heard of the first amendment, right?) and the wife runs an adult boutique in the city.

 An adult boutique is a relatively new entity in the world of pleasure products. A retailer catering to a more mainstream crowd compared to the raincoat crew. This usually means classy decor like carpeting instead of linoleum, high end quality made pleasure products instead of blister packaging featuring a pic of Harry Reems in full 70’s porn mode and a “For Novelty use only” disclaimer hidden somewhere and workshops on sexual health instead of video booths.

 Despite cultivating an air of respectability my shop owner friend tells me she still met with a good amount of resistance from Houston gatekeepers.

I find it ironic that a state that is so enamored with firearms feels threatened by dildos. Which brings me to this:

Finally somebody figured out that sex and violence go together!

 Trigger Happy Toys figured out the center of a venn diagram containing Sex, Violence and Satire*********. My guess is that the founders of Trigger Happy Toys are big Cronenberg fans.

We did check out a private suite party that some cam girls led us to but that turned out to be something like a Showtime interpretation of what a frat party would be but with less nudity. So Blam and I returned to the penthouse party and drank some more.

 Throughout the night I searched in vain for any sign of WOC attendees crashing AVN. Turns out that most of the LVPD SWAT, several goats from Pahrump, and 95% of the city’s diet cola supply had a better view of the WOC shenanigans. Freakin off the leash, I tell you!

 I finished off the night around two thirty am in my girlfriend’s hotel room. I was so wound up from sensory overload that I couldn’t get to sleep till 5am. It was just like the good ole days at SDCC but with fewer gender swap Black Widows.

 Coming up in CULTURAL JUNKDRAWER: part two of the ASSult on AVN crossover spectacular: The AVN floor, a REAL penthouse party, Lloyd Kauffman and Lil Wayne!

Other thoughts that are tangential to the column but I couldn’t fit organically into the main text.
**I know that seminar bit should be funnier but yes; the name nicks from the R.E.O. Speedwagon song. Which in itself is pretty funny. In fact Sherri (my beloved girlfriend who puts the seminars together) named every seminar after a song including “Opportunities (let’s make lots of money)”, “Take a chance on me” and “Because I got high”. Clever gal that woman of mine.

***The adult industry is self regulating with a full panel of tests every 15 days and is very much a closed loop. A lot of care is taken to protect performer’s safety regardless of your puerile uninformed opinion, Rashida Jones and that petition collector in front of the supermarket tells you.

**** I’ve NEVER used a sock in my life BTW.

***** note to self for Doctor Who parody pitch! But maybe modify it to a weeping angels kind of thing!

****** From the brochure: “The Carmix 3500 TC speaks the language of design, innovation and advanced technology w/o forgetting the CARMIX cornerstones: Quality and reliability.”

Now that’s some gangsta ass shit right there!

********* You can support it on Indiegogo right now BTW!

YogaOutlet.com

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