Adult Continuity Issue Four – ‘This Can’t be Deadpool XXX + X’

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

This Can’t be Deadpool XXX + X

Spizoo Productions

Directed by Ralph Long

Part 1 of my “Deadpool Celebration, non-editor approved, multi-column crossover extravaganza!”

Who wants to pay for porn?

Nobody, that’s who! And why would I have to when I can see tons of porn for free on tube and torrent sites! Paying for something that’s free is just dumb. Like that three year period where I was shelling out $7.50 a month for that air subscription service?

Well that was dumb. Air is free, unless you live on Mars in Total Recall. I kinda got taken for a ride there but it was a hell of an ad campaign. I thought I was getting primo air… delivered to my doorstep… while I slept…

Now that I write it down it seems even dumber.

But porn is different. Porn is adult entertainment that people make a living off of. Just like regular entertainment, for example Wheel of Fortune or The Vanilla Ice Project, except with less shame, a higher use of Kleenex tissues, and it only takes up, like, five to seven minutes at a time. Sure, you can watch A.N.T. Farm or Sex Box for free but there are commercials involved.

There are no commercials in porn… unless you count the Vivid brand condoms and guitar ads, toys molded after Manuel, Lisa Ann, and someone named “Dick Steele”. This…

Like the 1-900 phone date lines! Sorta like this with more nakedness BUT the exact same hair and cinematography…

Show this to dad and he’ll think you’re watching a Whitesnake video.

But you can fast forward past all that. The only thing you really have to watch before the action is the FBI piracy thingy and the note that all age related records for every performer ever is located in a small office above “Johnny Chang’s Doughnuts and Chinese Food” somewhere in the San Fernando Valley.

My point is that unless you want crippling malware uploaded to your computer in exchange for watching Bonnie Rotten go airtight for free… you should buy your porn.

So what should you spend your budgeted fap-dollar ™ on? Odds are a superhero parody because you are reading this on a geek-centric site. You gotta get one that’s worth the money you diverted from little Kylo’s birthday party fund (he’ll forgive you for not getting that four foot Darth Vader toy, I’m sure). That’s why you come here, to “Adult Continuity”, because I have the ability to critique porn parodies on not only production values but fealty to source material. It doesn’t help me on monster.com but I hope it helps you!

This time around I review a non-Axel Braun parody: This can’t be Deadpool XXX + X.

It sucks.

Let me clarify; by the criteria that I am judging these titles (as described above) this title is awful. There is no production value whatsoever; there are, possibly, three sets for the whole thing. While I understand budget restraints, using your Tarzana townhouse living room as the set for Xavier’s institute for higher learning just says you aren’t trying. First, showing a picture of a castle on the edge of a lake with the caption describing it as the famous X-Men school doesn’t help your case; the X-school is neither a castle or on the edge of a mountain lake. 0 points there. Dissolving to a school of Koi-fish from that point just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Then moving from that to the small townhouse living room screams “We’re shooting all this in one eighteen hour day, let’s get to the orgy scene for christsakes!”

Stryker’s secret lab is the editing bay for what, I assume, is the whole Spizoo operation (the garage of the Tarzana townhouse, probably). I didn’t check who plays Stryker but his choice of polo shirts is incongruent with what’s known about the Stryker character. None of the three different actors that played Stryker in the Fox movies ever wore a polo shirt. There might be a reason for that. Despite being played by different actors AND a mathematical inconsistency in ages represented in each, there is consistency in wardrobe choice. A career military man doesn’t wear a freaking polo shirt to work!

Death’s lair is the same living room but looking in the opposite direction with a stripper pole added. Imagining Death as a stripper might make sense for Deadpool but not for Wolverine who actually has the sex scene with her.

There are quite a few head scratchers of that type here; stuff that indicates that the people involved in the “creative” side might’ve asked a twelve year old nephew about Deadpool and worked off that. For example Wolverine and Kitty have a sexual relationship, odd enough (overlooking the fact that this is a porno and sexual relationships happen within five minutes of meeting one another) to begin with they have about the same amount of lines so it makes no sense to have the blonde as Kitty, really.

The consistently funny in just about everything Evan Stone is the Punisher. A character obviously known for belly laughs and hilarity. Usually reliable to give any scene some energy, Evan just mails it in here. He wears what he wears in his regular life (kinda back-up dancer for The Red Hot Chili Peppers and/or telephone pole repairman) but with a poorly made skull t-shirt underneath. Yeah, they couldn’t even swing one of the six hundred types of Punisher t-shirts available from Walmart.

Tommy Gunn is Wolverine. Tommy Gunn has played Wolverine as many times as Hugh Jackman. It must’ve been blind luck or Prince Yahshua wasn’t available.

Vixen plays Catwoman. I know, don’t even bother.

Allie Haze is Domino and August Ames is Rogue. Both were probably forced to do their own make-up with something from the 99 cent store. All of the pancake make-up was used to make Professor Xavier look like Uncle Fester in a electric chair stolen from Vons Supermarket. Anikka Albright is Capt. Marvel but the only thing to indicate that was a french cut on her body suit and the IMDB credit.

Director Ralph Long is supposedly Deadpool. At least the costumes are both red. The similarities end there. Comparing him to Derrick Pierce’s turn as the Merc with a mouth in the Wolverine XXX Parody would be mean at a level that only a GOP candidate can achieve.

All the “acting” is on a par with the Wednesday night improv class at the YMCA. Every conversation has the low energy and flaccid delivery of a first take. Almost every scene is bridged by Long, ostensibly dressed as Deadpool, prancing in front of a green screen to what sounds like ska music for crackheads. That’s not a compliment by the way.

“Writers” Otis and Paul Sifter are either plumbers that gave Ralph Long more expensive sink fixtures in exchange for a credit or Ralph was so embarrassed by the lack of story, dialogue and general coherency here he had to create pen names to avoid blame.

Some of the sex scenes are ok, but I’m not working off that metric, now am I?

All in all, This can’t be Deadpool XXX + X is a bust, at least in the context of delivering anything resembling Deadpool or the X-Men. OK, in most other ways too. If you really need to see Deadpool closing the deal with Rogue I’d suggest getting your hands on a copy of Wolverine XXX. Sure, Spider Man is part of the three-way, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense than anything here.

PASSING FANCIES:

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I have seen Bonnie Rotten go airtight for free but I do have access to mind numbing quantities of porn because of who I date.

I still don’t get what the XXX + X means in the title.

Seriously, the Koi fish dissolve happens twice. WTF IS THAT ABOUT!?!?!

Josh Helman, looking all of thirty years old in the early 70’s Days of Future Past becomes Danny Huston cresting late fifties in age in the late 70’s portion of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. There are other military based bad guys in the X-Verse, Fox.

Neither of them wore polo shirts, though.

Allie Haze played Rogue in the (not even fair to compare them to this dreck) Axel Braun X-titles but she’s cast as Domino here WHEN THERE IS A ROGUE CHARACTER IN THIS PARODY! So there was enough sense to cast the guy who has played Wolverine as Wolverine but not the girl who has played Rogue as Rogue?

There is also another hooker sex scene which is a P.O.V. with a stunt cock. The scene is straight-up filler. Nobody that’s part of what I’m charitably calling a story shows up for it.

Fictional writing brothers Otis and Paul knew about the antagonistic relationship between Deadpool and Wolverine but nobody bothers to go beyond junior high taunting levels here.

Inexplicably this title was nominated for “Best Parody” at the AVN awards this year. I think it was a sympathy “body of work” vote for Ralph Long.

There is a joke there, but not a decent one.

Part 2 of my “Deadpool Celebration, non-editor approved, multi-column crossover extravaganza!” is an extended interview with porn bad boy/renaissance man Derrick Pierce who played Deadpool for Axel Braun (as well as Lex Luthor, The Mandarin, Bane, and Pai Mei). Deadpool is Derrick’s favorite character so the interview consisted of a lot of Deadpool talk. Deadpool… Deadpool… Deadpool. Dropping in a few days here.

YogaOutlet.com

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