Adult Continuity Issue 7 – Superman Vs Spider-Man XXX

ADULT CONTINUITY – ISSUE 7 (OR VII if you want to be fancy)

SUPERMAN VS SPIDER-MAN XXX
An Axel Braun parody

SvSThe last entry in my expansive, multi-column run on the theme “Vs” which includes Superman vs Batman XXX, Comics on the Can – Salvation Run and Civil War GN, Cultural Junkdrawer “The V decadeand a couple of others. Check my other columns for the full treatment.

Pornography and superhero comic books have both been decried as perverse, deviant and an irrefutable signpost and/or catalyst concerning the decay of western civilization.

God bless ‘em!

Considering how much common ground these two forms of entertainment share, at least in a pop culture lens and moral alarmist tirades, it’s a wonder the genre of Superhero porn parody didn’t catch on sooner. I guess all it took was both the rise of fandom into mainstream culture and the fall of the traditional porn distribution paradigm happening at almost the same time. Upheaval breeds opportunity and strange bedfellows. Well, maybe not so strange and certainly not just bedfellows there is the couch, desks, rooftops and in one case of this title a hanging cage.

Maybe the relationship isn’t that strange; even at its most innocent there is a kinky undercurrent to most superhero material or at the very least an exaggerated sense of the body and fetishization. Whether it’s Deadpool flipping chaotically in the air pulling off a three in a row head shot or a logistically challenging scene involving three or more people’s naughty bits there is an acknowledgement you’re operating outside the what’s considered normal abilities of humans.

Which is all a fancy way of saying both are fantasy. Whether it’s Craig Gross or Fredric Wertham telling you it’s bad you’re still gonna indulge because who doesn’t like some escapism now and then?

The problem arises when the rush to cash in on trends leads to a drop in the quality of the product. Superman’s success spawned countless imitators in the golden age. The TV Batman porn parody opened the door for a lot of girls in masks and lycra covering the same ground and positions as in non-parody titles. What are the good ones? You don’t want to feel cheated with your… remote… in hand hoping for the realization of your secret Miss Teschmacher/Supergirl slashfic story and instead being distracted by the utter lack of understanding of how things should look in production design, costumes and other areas of your self-pleasuring fantasy world.

That’s why I’m here. Existing in an envied space between the metaphorical triplets of film production knowledge, comic geekery and adult entertainment connections… preferably on a metaphorical heart-shaped water-bed or hot tub and the metaphorical triplets all wearing shiny lingerie. I can with some semblance of authority and experience qualify what titles are worthy of your time and fapdollar™. As I often say to my metaphorical triplets just before the eurobeats kick in: enjoy the fantasy, I’ll cover the bases.

In a particular way the adult industry can be a lot more nimble than its mainstream counterparts. There is an obviously quicker production cycle and though a lot of times it can be viewed as reactive (The Spider-Man parody coming out years after the movies) sometimes it can be predictive. Hence “Superman Vs SpidermanXXX” even though it’s based on the historic first crossover of the top two comic publishers from forty years ago (yes, forty freaking years) it could be seen as four years ahead of the Crossover curve feature films are cresting over just now. Or perhaps I’m reading too much into it. But one thing is for sure that co-writers Axel Braun and Mark Logan know their source material with room to tweak and adapt to budgetary limitations plus pay homage to other versions of our heroes.

Instead of Lex trashing Metropolis with a giant robot in the opening, like in the comic, it’s a pair of missiles, one aimed at LA the other at Hoboken. This is a clever nod to the climax of the original Superman movie. Right down to Miss Teschmacher (Alexis Texas) betraying Luthor. Only this being an porno parody with porno logic it’s Supergirl (Kagney Linn Karter) wearing the kryptonite necklace and Teschmacher trading a sapphic exchange instead of a mother saving promise. That’s Ok, destroying Hoboken probably has more positives than negatives anyway.

This Luthor is of the comic’s era; that is to say the purple and green suited cackling mad scientist Luthor. As played with hammy enthusiasm by Eric Masterson who eschews the smartest man in the room angle for archetypical super villain lunacy. Still, it always seems that Lex, no matter what incarnation, is having more fun than just about anyone in the general vicinity. Masterson is just playing to the cheap seats chewing huge chunks of scenery along the way. What else would expect from a dude wearing a green and purple jump suit?

Spidey (Xander Corvus) first shows up to foil some thugs warehouse robbery which buys him the notice of Black Cat (Jazy Berlin). The encounter has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever but considering the highly charged relationship between the wall crawler and the vampy thief it qualifies as fan service. In fact the pairing is in line with continuity and doesn’t need the “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” logic of porn motivation. Postcoital Spidey seems awkward with an “Ummmm… thanks.” line reading that is both funny and quizzical. I had a good laugh at it. Black Cat jumps away after a blown kiss. Parker mutters to himself “Why are all the great ones crazy?”

Lex and Otto meet in jail and, after quickly finding common ground (Lex to Ock: “Our nightmares do come in shades of red and blue”) decide to team-up. Now, super villain team ups seem to be mercifully short on angst. Most seem goal oriented and refuse to do the hand wringing you see with super heroes. Masterson and Bartholet (playing Doc Ock in full on creepy look) don’t have much chemistry, which is a shame because I rather think the characters would get along famously given the right circumstances and to the extent psychotics could get along. See my comics on the can for “Salvation Run” for an idealized exchange between the two. It includes dole frozen pineapple whip.

While not entertaining big ideas like world destruction as in the original comic, Lex and Otto decide to do a baby step in their relationship: pulling smarts and resources to kill Spidey and Supes. See; goal oriented. Doc Ock kidnaps Lois Lane in a move that Lois didn’t see coming this time only because it was a pudgy dude with a bowl haircut dressed in green and yellow lycra instead of the usual Luthor thug apparel. Luthor then forces the Man of steel to track down the friendly neighborhood wall crawler with Lois as a bargaining chip.

This leads to the titular battle between the good guys which is extremely one-sided. Given that there is no money to do a city smashing throw down Braun and Logan opt for laughs instead. Watching Spider-Man struggling to break out of Superman’s hold has a great comedic edge to it. Corvus sells the physical humor needed for Spidey’s fruitless struggle to be funny. Still, Spidey doesn’t give up the sass but Superman shuts him down and delivers him to his foes.

Meanwhile Luthor has infused kryptonite into Ock’s robot arms making Supes’ easy prey. It actually makes quite a lot of sense, considering. And a hell of a lot less convoluted than infusing Spider-Man’s costume red solar rays. With Superman pinned down by Ock and Spider-Man still out things take a weird turn as Luthor cuckolds Superman by having Lois perform sex acts in exchange for Superman’s life. Following porn logic Clark tells Lois to, at least, not swallow. Intellectually I realize the scene is an excuse to squeeze in one more bang out before the credits but there is something really dark and deeply congruent with Luthor’s actions. You can imagine him manipulating and grudge fucking Supergirl but to cuckold the Man of Steel! That must be serious boner-fuel for Lex. This also marks another time (like the 3rd, I think) in these parody series where Superman and Lois bone everybody BUT each other. Odd that. When rescued Lois says to Superman “Kiss me my hero” and Superman quips “…Um, maybe later.”

The day is actually saved by Spider-Woman (Jenna Presley) marching in and bio zapping both Lex and Otto. It makes no narrative sense but, fuck it, Jenna Presley in a great latex spider woman costume easily earns my forgiveness. Spider-Man and Woman do a man and woman thing (I assume, I watched the non-sex version), End with a Harry Osborn Green Goblin tease, roll credits.

Superman vs Spider-Man XXX plays it smart by not taking itself seriously at all except where it counts: costumes and a low-budget cleverness to deliver the goods. The video has just enough charm to overcome the budget shortcomings. Also, unlike later entries I’ve reviewed, SvS also commits to telling a complete (if somewhat lean) story; a welcome change from the dangling plot threads and half a story set up of Captain America XXX and X-Men XXX (as great as those titles are). There may not have been a crazy weather satellite plot like in the original comic but SvS makes the most of what it has.

The triplets are satisfied… and I need to hydrate.

Random thoughts that occurred to me but I couldn’t fit into the main review:

An early, funny scene establishes that Lois Lane and Betty Brant ain’t gonna be besties any time soon.

The same scene shows the contrast of JJ Jameson and Perry White. Rob Black in three minutes as JJJ somehow chews more scenery than his ragged cigar.

As much as I think Lex and Otto would get along I think Lex and Dr Doom would absolutely HATE each other. No Latverian castle is big enough for those two egos!

These parodies have a cast consistency equal to their mainstream counterparts: Ryan Driller has always been Superman as has Xander Corvus as Spidey. Even the minor characters stay consistent; Anderson, Bartholet and Rob Black have all been in the other Spider-Man parodies. As has a personal favorite of mine, Lily LeBeau, upgrading from Liz Allen to Liz Osborn this time around.

Lily LeBeau mostly does girl/girl stuff now but to see an amazing performance both acting wise and sexually seek out “Wasteland”. She was nommed for best actress at 2012 AVN awards losing to the only real competition that year; her co-star Lily Carter.

In fact I had convinced my girlfriend, one of the voters, to change her vote from Carter to LeBeau.

Wasteland slayed at the 2012 AVN awards (16 noms, 6 wins including Movie of the year) and even won best narrative feature for that year’s Los Angeles International Underground Film Festival.

It’s really good, in an indy film pretentious way, but erotic.

I personally dig the green and purple jump suit wearing mad scientist Luthor. The kinda cat that would use a weather satellite to create a seaboard destroying tidal wave because, fuck it, I hate Superman!

Another homage to the first Superman movie is Luthor using a frequency only dogs and Superman can hear to get his attention.

The 2014 AVN awards nommed SvS in four different categories including best Parody (Drama) which is odd ‘cause it was pretty funny.

Shop Deadpool tees in our officially licensed Marvel store!

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