Adult Continuity Episode III – Star Wars XXX – A Porn Parody

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

Continuing my unofficial month long, multi-column Star Wars tribute! first was Cultural Junkdrawer – Who the &[email protected]% is Kylo Ren? Now…

Adult Continuity – reviewing Star Wars XXX for continuity errors, mistakes, and gaffs.

Star-Wars-XXX-A-Porn-Parody_0

A long long time ago (like, two decades) in a strip mall far, far away (down a few blocks where that noodle soup place “Pho King Delicious” is now)…

There was a magical place called a “Video Store”. People would go there and rent movies. Often customers couldn’t decide on what to rent so they’d ask the opinion of the people that worked there. More often than not the employees were serious fans of movies and could gauge (with a few well-structured questions) what the customer might like. Like a flesh and blood algorithm these miracle workers of the video store would bring to bear all their experience and knowledge and suggest a few titles that might appeal to the customer. There were few pleasures greater than suggesting something to a stranger (that wasn’t provoked or vulgar) peering into a small corner of their soul and understanding, nay, KNOWING what will bring them some pleasure for their entertainment dollar. In a way you knew them a little better than they knew themselves. You saw a John Woo fan before that person knew they were a John Woo fan. There was a bit of magic in those times; people gathered to be entertained, laugh… cry… impulse buy sour punch licorice and maybe, just maybe, learn something about themselves.

Other times if there were more than two people nobody could agree on what to rent they’d all settle on Star Wars.

You just don’t get that type of warm, hands-on, human interaction at Redbox. Maybe just a kindly offer to get a second movie at half price. Which is nice, but seriously you’re there at the supermarket at… like, six at night with some rotisserie chicken, a half-pound of potato salad, and a bottle of cheap Merlot. You’re not gonna spend four plus hours watching movies on a weeknight. What’s the point?

Um… the point is those crazy, wild, carefree days of a community bonding over movies is long gone.

Unless you have the internet… which you do… because you’re reading this… so never mind.

I was a proud member of that community, though, and now I continue the tradition of suggesting movies based on what I know about my readers and the tribe(s) of which I claim membership. I know this about you, gentle reader, I have peered into your soul, gathered information about what your likes and interests are (largely by giant swaths of assumptions but this column isn’t going up on Christian Crochet Potholders’ Etsy page after all) and drawn these conclusions about you; you’re a geek, you like Star Wars, and probably like porn too.

Amiright?

I have a bonus service here too. With very few exceptions you never really got that feeling of community in the adult rental section. Any hands-on service there was probably skeevy or illegal. Mostly it was eyes cast down in expected shame as you tried to decide on an all-anal compilation, a mother/(step) daughter “drama”, or one of the multitude of porn parodies that fill the shelves of your local (oops, probably not local, maybe a few miles away from local) smut hut.

Since I know you, I’m pretty sure you’re going for that parody. But which one to choose? Even with lowered expectations in production value you still want to enjoy what you’re watching (the cinematography in the all-anal title looks dull and flat. Who can enjoy anal with flat lighting?). Choosing a parody has the extra weight of fan service, as it were, so which one will deliver on a satisfying level beyond fapping till you’re dehydrated?

This is where I come in, figuratively of course. I watch the geek-centric parody and tell you if what’s on the screen will fulfill your desires, satisfy your needs, and not send you into fits of nerd-rage. I touch your soul while you touch yourself.

Suck on that REDBOX.

And since you have so many titles to choose from you might find yourself in the same position you found yourself in when you went to Blockbuster with a half a dozen of your friends and y’all couldn’t agree on what to rent…

STAR WARS, except with coitus. Lots and lots of coitus.

I’m gonna run on the assumption that you’re emotionally prepared for a Chewbacca/TK421/TK422 three way or a cantina orgy and skip talking about the sex scenes and just focus on everything else.

First and foremost Star Wars XXX – A Porn Parody is just that; a parody. Sure, calling a porn version of a popular property a “parody” is a legal shield. But Axel Braun and co-writer Mark Logan take the definition of parody to heart; poking fun at a much beloved series with an understanding of what makes the source material tick (and not tick in Star Wars’ case). There is love here, and not just the sticky multiple person physical kind either. Braun wastes no time; the opening crawl starting with “Episode IV: A New Hole”. Ok, its porn, cut some freggin slack… Jesus! It gets better though with “after decades of tedious political squabbling…” jokes about Darth Vader’s romantic status on Facebook, and heading off the obviously queasy subject of Leia’s parentage raised by a Leia/Vader scene.

The effects shots are pretty good, for computer generated. The opening blockade runner chased by star destroyer scene is emulated perfectly. The shots feel familiar, almost as if Axel has (like most of us) seen that scene about a thousand times. R2 and C3P0 are also computer animated and the comedy kicks in as soon as 3P0 speaks. Without a doubt it is the gayest thing outside of the men’s locker room of the West Hollywood Crunch gym. Chi Chi LaRue gives enough sass to 3P0 to make Ru-Paul jealous. It’s funny but not mean spirited. The story follows as an abbreviated version of A New Hope with the droids being captured and being presented to Luke and Uncle Owen minutes after. Seth Gamble plays Luke as whiney and childlike, or possibly just shy of retarded. Basically exactly how a knowing parody of Luke should be played, bad haircut and all. Google any Mad magazine or Cracked send up of Star Wars if you don’t believe me.

Hell with it – here is one example:

droids your looking for

Axel and crew pull off almost the exact same joke.

Tom Byron plays Ben Kenobi pretty droll, mostly drunk and with an almost endless string of double entendres. “Many a girl in many space ports felt the strength of my lightsaber… I’m sorry were you talking about something else?” The jokes aren’t deep but at least there are jokes and most generate a good chuckle for a life-long fan.

There are even jokes referencing other fan’s jokes. Check Eddie Izzard’s classic “Death Star canteen” bit:

There is an extended bit in the parody which directly riffs off this. Fortuitously I had just seen the Eddie Izzard performance a few days previous or I wouldn’t have gotten the second layer of the joke.

Another great fan service joke is the Han/Greedo scene; Greedo doesn’t even get a shot off! Han shoots him a couple of times then continues to fire multiple shots into the body lying on the floor then quips “Shoot first, shoot often!” If that don’t sell you, I’m not sure you should be considering parodies at all.

I’ve put some other good jokes in the bonus section below.

This is, by porn standards, a massive production with multiple speaking roles… not all of them involve boning either. The attention to detail is obsessive even by Axel Braun’s considerably high standards; Vader’s armor could give any real cosplayer an envious fit. Chewbacca is fully functional and impressively played by Dick Chibbles. The sets look great. Sure the computer effects lack an ILM level of sophistication but nothing falls into the uncanny valley and some scenes, like the aforementioned opening scene and the climatic Death Star attack look pretty damn solid. Additionally the production design in the computer generated scenes have a funny reiteration of the X design (as if we needed to be reminded we’re watching a porn parody).

The only real problem I felt with Star Wars XXX – A Porn Parody is the some of the timing is a little off; some of the jokes would play better if they were delivered with a bit more zip. But on the whole this title will deliver the goods and the naughties, and as a bonus you get to see Ben Kenobi bone a Tuskin raider.

And I know you’re into that; I have peered into your soul after all.

Ewww, now I need some baby wipes.

BONUS MATERIAL…

Typical video store customer question: “Do you have that movie with that guy who’s in a movie that’s out now? Or the movie that’s out now?”

The Jawa droid line-up includes not only R2 and 3P0 but Robby the robot, the Lost in space B-9 robot, Tom Servo, and a Dalek.

BEN: “He was the best star pilot in the galaxy.”
LUKE: “My uncle said he was a whiny psychotic.”
BEN: “And the best star pilot in the galaxy.”

Eddie Izzard is seriously hysterical.

Jeff Vader, I love it!

Alderann looks a lot like earth… stock computer footage, I guess?

“Mos Eisley spaceport; you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I know, I’ve tried.”

The first Death Star shot on Alderann follows in classic Imperial Stormtrooper tradition and misses completely.

Leia to Tarkin: “I noticed your foul stench when I came aboard. It smelled like a gungan with the female problem.”

I filmed an interview with Dick Chibbles a few years ago and he said he went the extra distance as Chewbacca.

Imagine doing a three way wearing thirty extra pounds of costume.

Then again some of you might not have to imagine.

When our heroes go down the chute to escape the detention level a weird but funny (essentially a Mel Brooks Spaceballs tribute) visual gag comes into play.

Leia: “You came in that thing, you’re braver than I thought!”
Han: “I bet you say that to a lot of guys.”

Unlike the real movie Chewbacca gets a medal at the end.

The package includes a 2 disc set with a non-sex version, behind the scenes and audition footage.

Even the bonus material is dripping in fan service with Aiden Ashley auditioning for Mara Jade who was cut from the movie… and now official cannon.

As usual for Braun Star Wars XXX was, rightly so, showered with awards for its release year:

AVN Award 2013: Best Parody – Comedy
AVN Award 2013: Best Art Direction
AVN Award 2013: Best Director – Parody
AVN Award 2013: Best Supporting Actor (Tom Byron)
AVN Award 2013: Best Screenplay – Parody
AVN Award 2013: Best Overall Marketing Campaign -Individual Project
AVN Award 2013: Best Selling / Renting Title of the Year
XRCO Award 2013: Best Parody (Comedy)
XBIZ Award 2013: Best Actress – Parody Release (Allie Haze)
XBIZ Award 2013: Best Actor – Parody Release (Seth Gamble)
2013 – XBIZ – Best Scene – Parody Release
2013 – XBIZ – Best Special Effects
2013 – XBIZ – Director of the Year – Parody
2013 – XBIZ – Parody Release of the Year – Comedy
2013: XCritic Fan Choice Award – Best Parody – Comedy

Next time I might tackle something a bit less… safe. Stay Tuned.

 

YogaOutlet.com

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