Adult Continuity Issue #13 – Avengers XXX – A porn parody

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ADULT CONTINUITY

ISSUE #13

AVENGERS XXX

A Porn Parody (duh)

Director – Axel Braun

Written by – Axel Braun and Mark Logan

Grips – Mike Towers, Sly

 

 Today’s geek and/or fanboy has many choices available to them. From assloads of fantastic TV to watch: Lost in Space, Rick and Morty, Legion, Cake wars. To a continual stream of movies catering to our obsession Infinity War, Deadpool 2, Black Panther, Book Club. To a host of websites: CBR, Bleedingcool, MelvinWhahoonyeplunk-Smithsnerdnirvana.com and… ummm, nope… no others come to mind.

In short ya got choices, kid!

This also holds true when it comes to watching extended scenes of sexual congress in a variety of positions/combinations featuring beloved characters from the comic book medium. These videos are classified as “self aware with a mocking tone” so as to avoid legal repercussions.

 In short the “Porn parody”.

 But choice in of itself can be a burden. Too much choice can paralyze the decision making process by fear of choosing wrong. Who hasn’t said, verbatim,  “I only have a scant thirty minutes to wax my dolphin, bop my bologna, have my dong soldier fire a one gun salute, make a fapdollar(™) deposit in the tissue bank…* oh look only twenty eight minutes left! I need something great to watch that will arouse me yet not engage my nerd rage by being incorrect at all the essential levels required by me to enjoy because I’m a wound up horny geek! There are so many choices! I haven’t even lit the candles yet! What do I watch in the twenty four minutes I have left, aaarrrrrrrrrggggggggeeeeeee!”

In short the porn parody has to get “It” right.

 That’s where I can help out friends! I watch these parody movies and judge them not by the sex scenes (mostly) but by the costumes, scripts, production design and all the little details that are/not present. Who wants to be in the throes of (assumedly but not necessarily) self pleasure then be taken out of it because a line of dialogue like “Fuck my friend Scarlet WItch’s tight little ass, Aquaman!” would never realistically be uttered.

 In short who wants to see Aquaman fuck.

 So read on brave… reader! Armed with the knowledge that your choices are well informed and that your adventure in Jill/Jacking off will be unperturbed by glaring, taking you out of it, inaccuracies. So you can relax and enjoy; I will relieve you of your load!

 Why is everyone laughing?

 Perhaps you’ve heard of a little known art film that debuted in the cinema recently? It’s called  Avengers: Infinity War. It has made, in estimate, a bajillion dollars. Bringing ten years, dozens of characters and eighteen movies of the MCU together (yes, even Iron Man 2 counts). This film is unique in that it successfully pulls off what comic books have been doing for decades… the crossover event!

 Using the word “successfully” eliminates “Batman V Superman” and “Justice League” outright.

 Of course, porn being the innovator, having a uncanny sense of what their audience wants and being unencumbered by rights, shame, massive budgets and internet scrutiny got there first. Much in the way that your girlfriend didn’t.

 BURN!

 Let us use the time stone to take us back to the crazy days of 2012; “One life to live” ends its 44 yr run on ABC, Sony was about to bork their superhero tentpole standing with “The Amazing Spiderman”, Star Trek and Doctor Who finally crossed over by virtue of IDW having the licenses for both at the time. Marvel studios was about to cap off “phase one” with the billion and a half dollar earner “The Avengers!” (also known as “The movie that launched a million half-assed attempt at cinematic shared universes!”). Axel Braun, who had massive success with his Spideman XXX porn parody and The Incredible Hulk XXX the previous year, decided to up the stakes and take on a huge multi-character story influenced by great Marvel heroes, comic accurate costumes and the desire to see Scarlet Witch and Ms. Marvel do each other.

 The results were a mixed bag.

 The story loosely revolves around the Hulk beating up the Abomination with chunks of Las Vegas. Naturally no porn budget exists that could show such a thing so that detail is covered in news updates with video footage of the strip covered in cgi fire. It’s pretty humorous seeing cars blithely driving into a raging inferno like a typical commuter on the 405.

 Of course this is all a pretext for Nick Fury (Lex Steele) to gather together superpowered folk to form the Avengers. Naturally no porn budget exists that could show such a thing as the Helicarrier so it’s a warehouse, ostensibly in New York. Hawkeye (Eric Masterson), Scarlet Witch (Danni Cole), Ms. Marvel (Lexi Swallow), Spider Woman (Jenna Presley) and Sharon Carter (Phoenix Marie) are all there with Fury. Observing the “dysfunctional team dynamics” rule done so well in the mainstream movie everyone starts bitching. Hawkeye bitches that the Fantastic Four got better digs. Fury snipes at Hawkeye for his fashion choices, Witch petulantly questions what the hell is all this about. Then Iron Man shows up and the argument volume really raises. Stark (Dale Dabone) rightfully points out that he has been busy saving lives while everyone in the room bickers. Wanda does her witchy stuff freezing everyone, says the whole group are acting like children and splits. Iron Man ditches next with the intent of stopping the Hulk. Not a bad start; this “team” having zero traction and basically falling apart before it even starts. Meanwhile the Hulk is still knockin shit down, we’re told ( naturally no porn budget exists that could show such a thing). WIll the Avengers be a non-starter? WIll they get their shit together in time to save the world? Will Carol and Wanda have a sapphic interlude that makes sens only in the context of a porn plot?

The answer is “…uuuummm, let’s have some sex scenes!” The middle of the movie is pairing off of characters: Hawkeye and Black Widow (Brooklyn Lee), Sharon Carter and Nick Fury, Ms. Marvel and Scarlet Witch, She Hulk (Chyna) and Thor (Brendon Miller). Wait, when did these guys get established? In this scene I guess. Finally there is the pairing of Iron Man and The Hulk!

 Just kidding, friends. The sexual tension between Hulk and Iron Man is all subtext as Stark pesters a chilling Hulk (Jordan Cole doing a pretty close Ferrigno) in the middle of the desert. Iron Man shoots his repulsors all over the green goliath without so much as a warning or waiting for consent. Hulk, obviously substituting his fists for his giant green dong, punches Iron Man about a hundred miles away. The seething sexual undertones outstrip an average pro wrestling match.

Naturally no porn budget exists that could show a big throwdown between the two characters. So the Hulk punch takes place off-screen and we just see Iron Man hurling through the sky and crashing in the sand. This actually works well turning a negative into a funny positive.

 The pairing scenes feel disconnected, like let’s take someone from column “A” and have them fuck someone from column “B”. Upon reflection there needed to be a scene where Fury asks Ms Marvel (and possibly She-Hulk) to help change some minds; at least it would’ve given those scenes some form of motivation beyond “nice shoes, lets fuck”. Granted this is porn, sex scenes are the whole point but something of the sort could’ve given the movie some easy connective tissue where it needed it.

 The other plot thread that could use a tiny bit of lip service and I don’t mean the scene between Ms Marvel and Spiderman, is that the would be Avengers need a rallying character. Sort of like Coulson was in the Mainstream movie but with less penetration of the spear kind. Thor kinda steps up to that figure but Miller’s reading of Thor consists of yelling in a bad faux english accent. Making him more of a irritant with long blonde locks than a leader. Almost as if the story senses this, because nobody comes out and says such a thing, a few of the team head off to the Arctic circle to uncover the frozen body of Captain America.

 That’s it. End of the movie. Now, I can wax poetic about these parodies emulating the comics in that we’re left with a cliffhanger. Each installment acting like a single issue and not a self contained story. I’ve said as much in other reviews of Braun’s work. I get it, but as with the X-Men and Captain America stories there is no follow up. Avengers XXX 2 did come out in 2015 but was a whole new story. “Huh yeah, that Hulk thing? We got bored with that. Plus, naturally no porn budget exists that could show such a thing!”  It is a little frustrating to get so worked up and then have no pay-off… like that sixth grade trip to magic mountain with Susie Whahoonyeplunk-Smith.

 The acting is all over the board on this one too. It’s not like Braun and (mostly) Logan are busting out Whedon-esque zingers here but I’ve come to expect a certain level of performance from his movies. Xander Corvus nails the cocky snark for Spiderman despite never showing his face. Brooklyn Lee manages to convey some vulnerability as Black Widow especially matched against the shrill Masterson as Hawkeye. Lexi Swallow is likeable and engaging as Marvel giving lines like “I’m a freight train, I smash things” the right read. Danni Cole looks the part of comic book Scarlet Witch but falls flat with every line she has. Chyna is surprisingly believable as she-hulk (there are particular sentences, for a variety of reasons, I never could imagine I’d write – that was one of them). Daboone’s Iron Man comes and goes pretty quick (note that I didn’t use the porn spelling of come).

 Writing perspective: the duo let their geek flag fly name checking the Baxter Building, Skrulls, (two things the MCU movies couldn’t do till this year) The Living Laser, Hawkeye forming the West Coast Avengers and bon mots such as:

 Stark while flying to the desert to fight the Hulk: Jarvis put it on autopilot I’m gonna take a nap.

 Hawkeye noticing the four women to two men at the Avengers hideout: “I do like your sausage to biscuit ratio, Fury.”

 Ms Marvel to Spiderman: “You have an image problem.”

 Spiderman: “Hey I… Yeah, you got me there.”

 What occured to me more than anything is that Braun as a director has evolved significantly.  I think that Axel’s heart lies with the DC heroes. His DC Pornoverse series has a better sense of continuity… hell, that’s because he’s made more of ‘em! He has also coaxed better, consistent performances from his cast in that series. I’m not saying AvengersXXX isn’t enjoyable in its own right. I’m saying you can feel the difference in more than your reproductive organs.

 So the man synonymous with superhero parodies wasn’t (at this stage) able to pull the multiple gnarled threads of a large cast together to deliver something brilliant. Oh well, neither was Zack Snyder and he had two hundred million dollars. In the end Avengers XXX is good, Axel has done better and Ralph Long has done much worse. So if you’re ready to touch yourself to the superheroes AvengersXXX is just fine. No gauntlet necessary… unless you’re into that kind of thing.

 

 Tangential ideas that occurred to me but I couldn’t fit naturally in the main text.

Apparently the movie is lit by magic because there are no electricians mentioned in the credits.

For those that are curious; Melvin Whahoonyeplunk-Smith is NOT related to the other Whahoonyeplunk-Smiths I’ve mentioned in my various columns.

They all do exist in the same shared universe, though, and if you’ve paid attention to the details I’m slowly laying the groundwork for a massive Whahoonyeplunk-Smith crossover event that will break internet geek column records.

If you’re planning on making a massive youtube breakdown of this future event here are the locations of the other Whahoonyeplunk-Smith mentions so far: Comics on the can and Cultural Junkdrawer

Are there such things as internet geek records?

Brooklyn Lee retired from the industry a few years ago. A shame because she was an amazing, intense performer and a really nice person to boot.

*I don’t mean to be sexist. If you identify as a female, at least in your use of slang terms for masturbation, you can substitute any of the above terms with Spinning the bean, Jill off, petting the girl in the canoe, um… masturbation.

There are simply not enough slang terms for female masturbation IMO.

If you got some kickers let me know.

Is aaarrrrrrrrrggggggggeeeeeee! Spelled with the extra e on the end? I’m never sure.

Star Trek TNG/Doctor Who – Assimilation was written by the Tipton Brothers and Illustrated by my friend J.K. Woodward. It was a lot of fun and helped make J.K. the goto guy for crossover commissions. Like this original that hangs in my daughter’s bedroom…

 Thin white duke meet thin white king!

 

You can buy a signed print if you see JK at any con. Oh yeah and original Star Trek comic pages too.

Too bad about Chyna passing a few years ago. I would’ve liked to have seen more of her She-Hulk.

SpidermanXXX ended with a satisfying sorta cliffhanger but still told a complete story.

SPOILERS: The big McGuffin that Kingpin has such a hardon to acquire is Captain America’s shield. I was a great twist and hinted at the expanded universe in a very clever way.

Axel is currently directing Deadpool XXX an Axel Braun Parody from a script he co-wrote with the Soska sisters (Dead hooker in a trunk, American Mary). It’ll star Jessica Drake (as Lady Deadpool) Seth Gamble (the Merc with a mouth), Angela White, Romi Rain and believe it or not friendly directing rival Brad Armstrong as Cable. I’ll be doing an Adult Continuity as soon as I can get my grubby little mitts on it (sometime around October from what I’m told. Just in time for nomination season).

 

Next: I keep looking at this really low budget Hawkman & Hawkgirl parody I have in the library.

 

LATER: Can you parody something that was already a parody? Find out when I tackle Barb Wire XXX parody.

YogaOutlet.com

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