Adult Continuity Issue #10 – Justice League XXX

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

 

ADULT CONTINUITY

 

ISSUE 10

 

JUSTICE LEAGUE XXX

An Axel Braun Parody

 

Written, produced, directed, co-edited, director of photography-ed, production designed, on-set medic, photo doubled for Batman and Lana Lang, greens, boom opereated, golf cart driving captain, assistant set decorated and craft serviced by Axel Braun.

 

Catering by Kat Asoo.

 

Part one in a month long Justice League editor-unaware, multi-column, cross-over spectacular! Look for “Comics on the can”, “Cultural Junkdrawer” and all DC Metal tie-ins which have Matter Eating Lad in it. Check local comic shops and a special insert in “Bass Pro Fishing” magazine for the complete list.

 

Or, maybe not, depends on how things roll out.

 

First off I need to give SPOILER WARNINGS if, for some reason, you are closely following the story lines of the Axel Braun DC universe or, should I call it The DC Braunverse, or DC Axelverse or DC Pornoverse? Anyway, if you’re following the storylines and haven’t seen all or most of the parodies (because you’re watching them in, at best, 15 minute increments depending on how much coconut oil and tissues you have on hand) and are easily butthurt about such things GO NO FURTHER! I will reveal such important plot points as Lois Lane being killed, Lex Luthor‘s impeachment as President and that Supergirl and Aquaman are both missing under mysterious circumstances. If you don’t want to know about any of these things go read “Comics on the can” or one of Sean Mulvihill’s excellent movie reviews.

 

PANSY!

 

 Ladies and gentlemen, or if we’re honest, just gentleman and that one chimpanzee that can get on the internet; we’re living in a dark time in American history. Porn, that great American institution, is under fire from morality watchdogs, undercut by pirate tube sites and underwhelmed by bad Superhero porn parodies. I can do very little for the first two aside from pointing out that morality watchdogs are phony busybodies or just not watch anything with Rashida Jones in it. For number two don’t go on the tube sites with pirated material (who needs malware anyway). With number three, though, I can help you people out! I’m here to use my particular skill set: carrying heavy stuff for movies and TV, writing stuff for geeky websites and touching… stuff while tangentially involved with the adult industry to ease your confusion. I’m here to make sure your hard earned fapdollar™ isn’t wasted on bad costumes and stories that have no understanding of the subject matter they’re “parodying”. With a wink, a whimsical turn of a phrase and most likely a few dick jokes I tell you what’s worth your time and money. Because nothing kills personal funtime like NERD RAGE.

Or maybe not depends on how you like your personal funtime.

It occurs to me watching Justice League XXX that Axel Braun and co. Have the longest running porn continuity in the history of making dirty movies. Sure there are long running titles like “MILFs love BBC” (34 volumes so far), “No cum dodging allowed” (57 volumes and it’s important to note I don’t count “No cum dodging allowed – The next generation” in that number) or “Leaking Tranny fluid” (just two volumes but there is huge buzz; this may be the “James Bond of Trans porn” as industry rag XBiz copy and pasted from an AVN article.) None of those, though, have stories that follow one another or beloved characters that can be seen from one volume to the next (though Asia Carrera’s story arc in “Butt sluts go nuts” vol 32-34 was a notable exception). Basically; you wern’t watching “Buttman does Budapest vol: 28” for a character arc. The Axel Braun DC parodies, however, have had continuing storylines with a shared universe consistency that would make the DCEU jealous. To put it another way I don’t hear plans for a “Flashpoint XXX”. Unlike the buzz around the DCEU if Justice League doesn’t make like, literally, a billion dollars.

 

Justice League XXX story is essentially a mix of what’s happened in previous parodies like Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad and what story points you can glean from the DCEU Justice league trailers. With a bit of a hefty dollop of “Injustice: Gods Among us” for good measure.

 

Wonder Woman (an excellent Romi Rain) has the knowledge of Darkseid’s impending invasion (thanks to the oracle of Thelmescria in an off-camera event). So the task falls to her to bring together the greatest heroes to defend the earth. Instead of the heroes not knowing each other Diana is up against too much history. Superman (Ryan Driller who has now played Superman more times than anybody outside of George Reeves) is still emotionally broken from Lois’ murder in Batman V Superman XXX. He mopes around the Kent farm swilling kryptonite infused kool-aid and emotionally abusing Lana Lang (Lena Paul in a non-sex role… this time). He’s so messed up he borks he own famous line saying “I’m not faster than a speeding locomotive anymore”. Bruce Wayne ( Giovanni Francesco) has gotten over Lois’ death (he was having an affair with her behind Clark’s back) by retiring as Batman, marrying Selina Kyle (Aiden Ashley in a non sex role… this time) and putting a bat baby in her Kitty box.

 

Neither want to step up with Wonder Woman for clear-cut reasons, not a ghost of Kevin Costner anywhere to be seen. But Bats hasn’t entirely given up the crime fighting ghost; he points Wonder Woman in the direction of Batwoman (A spitting image Charlotte Stokely) and has been bankrolling Barry Allen’s (Tyler Nixon) research into making a Flash suit so he can go Mach 14 without those nasty friction burns.

 

Clark just drives a tractor and frowns till he’s approached by Darkseid’s fury Knockout (human knockout Jesse Rhodes, see what I did there) on a mission to either recruit or eliminate the man of steel. I guess banging the crap outta the target is in Knockout’s recruitment playbook cause despite nursing a broken heart Clark can still bone alien chicks in a single bound (this IS porn after all). Lana spies Supes and Knockout mashing naughty bits but in a character driven turn doesn’t join in or pleasure herself while watching the action. This, above all else, is proof that the story is driving the narrative and not the driving of genitalia into other genitalia.

 

JLXXX also catches up with what Lex Luthor (Derrick Pierce), his assistant Mercy Graves (Katrina Jade) and Cat Grant (Jessica Drake) are up to. Mostly this entails serving up plot points for future movies (For example Aquaman is missing, as is Supergirl), leaning hard into Trump’s presidential tenure as a template for Luthor’s off-camera presidency and a three-way. I still stand by my statement that Pierce is a hell of a Lex Luthor; coiled charisma with intelligence and danger in equal measure. Pierce figuratively beats the shit out of Eisenberg’s Elon Musk on coke interpretation.

 

In what is the best written and acted scene of the movie Cat Grant grills Luthor about his long list of misdeeds while Lex charms and double talks his way around every question to a (off-camera) cheering crowd. Jessica is charismatic and sexy as Cat and it’s disappointing to find out that she is both figuratively and literally in bed with Luthor. I guess if you wanted to have a deeper read Braun is commenting on the media’s complicity in Trump’s rise to power.

 

Or maybe not, depends on how much intellectual credit you want to give a porn movie.

 

Batman brings Flash to the Batcave. Wonder Woman shows up with Green Lantern (Xander Corvus who needs to bring a bit more energy to Hal Jordan especially since he has the lion’s share of the funny lines) they all gang bang Wonder Woman (this IS a porn after all). Then Batwoman and Superman drop in. Superman has taken the brooding thing for a ride; dressing in a black super suit and dropping the bomb that Lois was pregnant when she died. Oh yeah and that he knew his best bat buddy was banging his babe. Apparently Knockout’s recruiting technique worked because he’s talking up Darkseid’s world conquering agenda. The movie ends with Bats and Supes about to go another round in classic “To be continued…” comic book mode.

 

JLXXX looks great, draws from the years of material that has been built up with the DCPornoverse and delivers what we’ve come to expect from Braun’s work; an eye for detail, a coherent (if incomplete) story and a love of the subject matter. That being said there are some weak points to the film. Some of the speechifying is a bit long winded and would be difficult for even Judi Dench to deliver convincingly. Ya’know if Dame Dench did girl/girl scenes. For example Stokely’s rant loses impact for being angry then more angry and Lana Lang has an unintentionally hysterical monologue which is shot like it’s straight out of a telenovela. Which doesn’t help the melodrama overdrive. Corvus, who has been consistently funny as Spider Man in these things, undersells lines like “The oath sounds corny but I look fuckin awesome!” Or “Darksied! Who comes up with these names?” I guess it could be chalked up to a performance choice I just didn’t grok on. He does explain his yellow weakness in quick flip mode ending with “…it’s super dumb.” I just like my Hal higher energy. He and Tyler Nixon have good bro chemistry. That is when Nixon eases up from playing the super dweeb version of Barry Allen (no doubt Ezra Miller inspired). Romi Rain gets most of the heavy lifting here and manages to be strong, sexy and charismatic throughout. She uses empathy, smarts and (yes) sex to get the team together and never once does it seem incongruent with her character. At least the DCPornoverse version of Wonder Woman.

 

At its core Justice League XXX satisfies on just about every level. More porn stars than you can shake a meat stick at, great production value and a shared universe that is carving its own lengthily continuity. I used to have a problem with plot threads left dangling like a recently drained… um you know. Now, with enough consistency and stories on the rental shelf, it is easier to view these productions as episodes of an ongoing story. Just like comic books. I can’t recommend JLXXX highly enough. When you see the DCEU version in the theater (who are we kidding… opening weekend) and feel a tinge of… or massive… disappointment.  Just remember you can go to the DCPornoverse and see your favorite characters get down and come together.

 

Or maybe not depends on how much you dig this kinda stuff.

 

THINGS TANGENTIALLY RELATED TO THE COLUMN BUT I COULDN’T FIT ORGANICALLY INTO THE MAIN BODY.

 

I watched the non-sex version of the movie (this time…)

 

I’d like to think that the DCPornoverse is universe 6969.

 

 A few years ago in the comics Wonder Woman came out as Bi-sexual (not sure if that’s still cannon). She is here too but that shouldn’t be a surprise because most chicks are bi in the world of porn (at least on screen)

 

Leaking Tranny Fluid was an actual title. It was nominated for “Best title” at the AVNs two years ago.

 

August Ames is the fury Lashina appearing in a non-sex role (this time…)

 

Dana Vespoil  is Lefty who starts to make out with Diana but is cock blocked by Hal Jordan. So a non-sex role for her (this time…).

 

Ways that Lex’s presidency doesn’t mirror Trump’s:

Lex is a criminal mastermind.  Trump is a criminal buffoon.

Lex has Superman for a nemesis. Trump’s is a comb.

Lex’s real estate plots involve blowing up places. Trump’s involve backroom deals that are eventually driven into foreclosure.

Lex has normal sized hands, possibly drifting towards large. Trump = tiny hands.

Lex has worn purple and green. Trump has orange Cheeto skin.

In the comics Lex divested himself of his business interests so as to avoid a conflict of interest. Trump hasn’t.

Lex hates Superman. Trump loves the Uber mensch.

Lex formed the Legion of Doom in the comics and cartoons. Trump has pretty much formed a legion of doom in real life.

Lex is a genius capable of making robots, business deals, and a high tech super suit. Trump speaks with a fourth grade vocabulary.

Lex likes Perrier water. Trump doesn’t (at least there is no record of him liking it).

 

Lois’ baby could’ve been either Clark’s or Bruce’s; just one of those dangling threads. Also a moot point, considering.

 

To extend the Trump metaphor fascist Superman tosses out the line “Make this world great again!”

 

JLXXX  has over ten nominations for this year’s AVN awards with a lot of technical awards that they should cinch and competing for the swan song of the “Best parody” category.

 

Mercifully “come together” is spelled in the non-porn fashion.

 

CUMMING SOON: Another superhero team gets the porn treatment with Adamruinsporn.com take on The Defenders.

 

CUMMING SOON AFTER: I report from the AVN awards in Las Vegas. If you have any questions, within the boundaries of good taste, send em to me on twitter @logos728

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