21 and a half world shattering reveals in Avengers; Infinity War! (#37 will SHOCK you)!

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!






Here we are on the eve of the most anticipated cinematic event since “Miss Congeniality 2: MORE Congeniality” was announced.


No, wait I need to go BIGGER!


Since “STAR WARS EPISODE ONE: THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF A LIFETIME” backed up lines at the multiplexes.


Never has a movie been SO anticipated and considered such a “SURE THING” that Marvel eschewed the traditional McDonalds happy meal promotional toy to lock in mortgage financing apps like Rocketmortgage.com


Own property while watching the galactic scale property damage of AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR


Isn’t it strange that they have Iron Man as the lead character instead of a talking space racoon named Rocket as… never mind I answered my own question.


Other interesting marketing partners include such non-traditional movie tie-in brands as Ziploc, Geico, the commercialization wary… punk rock AF… GO-GURT and (in what is kind of a “well that’s obvious” head slapper) Infiniti autos. This is, in consideration, a metric for success and demographic penetration unheard of for a summer tentpole movie. Any talking fucking panda animated movie can swing a cheap plastic toy tie-in with a kids meal. Only the MCU can get the likes of Synchrony Bank to pony up capital to advertise by association. One would think that this (as my grandma called it) “funny book stuff” has an adult appeal. This is corporate synergy at its best!


What I’m getting at is this is big! So big, in fact, that I’m doing the whole column in bold just because!


Now I am obliged to point out that there could be spoilers here but seeing as how you’ve probably guessed this is a comedy article, probably not.




So because it is my duty to cover such Geek Epic events and a blatantly mercenary bid for more clicks I’ve compiled this list of 21 and a half things revealed in AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR!


#21 ½ – There is a trailer for Ant Man and the Wasp before the movie begins (corporate synergy at work). Not a big surprise but Tom Holland wet himself when he saw it is!


#21 – Other Ice Cream flavors – We know Iron Man has “Stark-raving Hazelnut” but it’s also revealed that there is a “Gamma Rage pistachio” for Hulk, “Howard the Cold Duck” flavor and WAR MACHINE Vanilla with white chocolate chips which, TBH, kinda misses the mark there.


#20 – The bus that Peter Parker is on is coming back from a math olympics competition where the night before he got to touch boobs. In the interest of spoilers I’m not going to say WHO’S boobs.


#19 – Thanos’ original motivation for killing half of the universe was because he lost on Cake Wars. The flashback scene where Thanos melts Richard Ruskell is both terrifying and heartbreaking.


#18 – Rocket Racoon bites Ole Yeller and Star Lord has to put the poor dog down. Originally it was going to be Drax but Bautista has a six film contract. Disney corporate  synergy at its best.


#17 – In answer to my friend Bill’s question; No, Batman will not appear in Avengers: Infinity War! Bill: “But Batman is in comic books too, right?”


#16 – Loki comes out as genderfluid to Thor in an awkward moment. Thankfully Thor is off the hook for a response by Thanos attacking.


#15 – In a distinct lack of corporate synergy Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Punisher, Iron Fist, Luke Cage and The Agents of SHIELD don’t appear in Infinity War. I wonder why that is.


#14 – Wong’s favorite food is cheeseburgers. It’s just a throwaway line but keeps in with comic continuity.


#13 – Fleetwood Mac is launching a massive tour without Lindsey Buckingham. Technically they shouldn’t call themselves “Fleetwood Mac” in my opinion. Who’s gonna sing “Second Hand news” huh? What a gyp!


#12 – Captain America and Black Widow force Proxima Midnight to reveal Thanos’ evil plan by threatening her with a wet willy. Black Widow moistens her finger with saliva and coldly says “We don’t have to do this but we will.” and menacingly approaches a screaming Proxima.


#11 – Before Vision settles on looking like Paul Bettany he tried the forms of Thor, Captain America, Captain Jack Sparrow (corporate synergy) Pope John Paul the second, the Ed Norton version of Bruce Banner, Gilbert Gottfried, Jimmy  Stewart, Kool-Aid man and Captain Crunch. It was considered at the shooting of the movie (and corporate synergy) that Marvel Studios could never snag brands like Ziploc storage bags.


#10 – The Guardians of the galaxy and Thor stop off in an intergalactic diner for a hilarious scene. But if you look closely in the background you can see Darth Vader having a tuna melt with a Predator. This is Disney’s way of acknowledging its Fox acquisition and the beginning of the tremendous “Disney Shared universe” slate of movies which will give us Cinderella vs Aliens in early 2020, Goofy: Dark Lord of the Sith in late 2020,  Donald Duck vs Howard the duck in 2021 and an appearance by Galactus in Star Wars Episode IX. Corporate synergy guys!


#9 – The Infinity Stones go haywire during the final battle and there is a scene where Thanos meets Cable, Jonah Hex, a young Agent K, George W. Bush,  and Brand from “The Goonies”.


#8 – This movie will introduce the Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation which will become dreadfully important in Phase 4.


#7 – Doctor Strange and Everett Ross bump into each other, pause for a moment, then say nothing and go on about their business.


#6 – Due to overwhelming fan request (and corporate synergy) Disney’s “Condorman” will be incorporated into the MCU with this movie.

Well, they already have The Falcon, Mockingbird and The Vulture… Maybe we could have a hero called “Red Robin” and, in an act of corporate synergy, cross promote with the restaurant!


#5 – The massive climatic battle scene will be intercut with Hawkeye fixing his kitchen disposal, getting the mail, playing catch with his kids and having “Date Night” by taking his wife to Ruby Tuesday. Coincidentally, in an act of corporate synergy, Ruby Tuesday has a Marvel Menu right now.


#4 – Black Widow shoots Pepper Potts in the head when Pepper suggests Widow put a Jade egg in her vagina. It is later revealed that Pepper was a super-villain know as “Toxic Shock”.


#3 – The Cloak of levitation brings in a little extra cash by performing at kids birthday parties… as Wacko the clown! New heights of CGI are achieved as Cloak of Levitation makes a balloon Mickey Mouse (corporate synergy again)


#2 – Vincent for Disney’s “The Black Hole” cameos as H.E.R.B.I.E. teasing the return of the Fantastic Four! (Corporate Synergy: 9, Netflix Marvel Universe: 1)


#1 – Thanos escapes defeat in Wakanda by fleeing in his helicopter leaving a cliffhanger for Avengers 4.




There you go! I told you the reveals were earth shattering in a form of internet clickbait hyperbole! I hope I didn’t ruin your life by revealing spoilers like Tom Holland after eating too much cotton candy. This movie is truly EPIC and is the culmination of ten years of the Marvel brand attaining hitherto unknown heights of corporate synergy!




Other titles considered: “Star Wars episode one: Maybe seeing it in crisp digital projection will make the experience bette… nope.” “Star Wars episode one: Here’s fucking JAR JAR!” “Star Wars episode one: Taking a Death Star sized dookie on a classic series.”


Some missed adult brand tie-in opportunities: Hitachi releases a limited edition purple and green “Vision” wand massager. Turkish Airlines could’ve saved face by having Tony Stark enjoying a flight and saying “When I’m not using my personal fleet of jets, helicopters or high tech super suits, which is never, I guess I’d use Turkish Airlines because I haven’t banged a turkish chick… yet. Suck on THAT Bruce Wayne!”, Raid ant-man ant traps, Limited edition green colored Viagra: “Be her Incredible HULK!” Volocoptor personal aircraft could have capitalized on Thanos’ helicopter mania (I’m so glad that was in the movie!). Syren latex clothing could’ve done a whole line tied into Marvel like Black Widow:





Typical Wednesday Madame Hydra look




It’s a latex vibranium mesh. How versatile!


Creepy standard supervillain:


 DIdn’t know The Terror from The Tick had his own fetish line.


And Hulk: Sakarr nights:


Valkyrie I’m ready for my “Training”


Also Kellogg’s corn flakes. A lot of adults eat them.


In truth I would see the SHIT out of Donald vs Howard the duck movie!


Years ago I predicted a Howard the Duck movie for phase 4 but with H. Jon Benjamin (Archer) as the voice.


That Jade egg thing is or was really on Goop. Please don’t insert it anywhere in your body!


Neil DeGrasse Tyson once called The Black Hole “The most scientifically inaccurate movie ever!”


In a bow to Fanboy Nation’s own corporate synergy Read my breakdown of the first Infinity War trailer where I make Vision dick jokes.

And my essay on Age of Ultron, Identity politics and bird poop here

Oh fuck it! Here is a link to the Captain America Porn Parody too BOOM!



Leave a Reply

Animation/Anime Interviews Animation/Anime News Animation/Anime Reviews Film/TV Interviews Film/TV News Film/TV Review
Solo Press Conference
The Cast and Crew of ‘Solo’ Discuss Making a Different Kind of ‘Star Wars’ Movie

There was a sense of relief when the cast and crew...

Steve Martin and Martin Short: An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life
Steve Martin and Martin Short Shine in ‘An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life’

Steve Martin and Martin Short have worked together quite a few...

Explained Netflix
Netflix and Vox Team Up for Documentary Series ‘Explained,’ Explained

Vox started in 2014 as a website with an expressed goal...

Enabled Gaming Gaming News Gaming Reviews
Coffee Crisis Interview with C# Developer Nick Mann

Check out our Coffee Crisis Interview with C# Developer Nick Mann...

A World’s First by Worlds Adrift! – Launching on Early Access

Upcoming PC game, Worlds Adrift, is launching players into the sky...

First Major Hunt: Showdown Content Update Now Live On Steam

The first major Hunt: Showdown content update is now live on Steam and...

Comic Creator Interviews Comic/Graphic Novel News Comic/Graphic Novel Reviews Manga News Manga Reviews Novel/Novella Author Interviews Novel/Novella News Novel/Novella Reviews
Action Comics No. 1000 gets a Super-Sized Deluxe Edition Release

From DC Comics – Burbank, CA – (April 30, 2018) –...

‘The Prisoner #1’ is an Intricate and Entertaining Tale of Intrigue

The Prisoner #1 Story by: Peter Milligan Art by: Colin Lorimer Coloring by: Joana...

Comic Legend Stan Lee Sued Over Sexual Misconduct Allegations by Massage Therapist

From Canyon PR – CHICAGO – Apr. 23, 2018 – Maria...

Apparel/Personal Maintenance News Apparel/Personal Maintenance Reviews Entertainment Product News Entertainment Product Reviews Food/Beverage Reviews Hardware News Hardware Reviews Mystery Box News Mystery Box Reviews
Work-Play Lens
High-Tech Meets High Fashion in GUNNAR Optiks New Work-Play Lens

GUNNAR Optiks partners with Publish to release new Work-Play Lens that...

Keep Your Gear from Not Feeling So Good – Infinity War Skins Review

Skinit goes for the head with their Avengers: Infinity War skins –...

Spring/Summer 2018: adidas Sports Updates Line of Mobile Accessories

April 2018 — adidas Sport launches collection of lightweight products designed to...

Arena Football Automotives MMA, Kick Boxing & Boxing Professional Wrestling
Showtime to Air ‘Bipolar Rock ‘N’ Roller’ Mauro Ranallo Doc on May 25th

From Bellator MMA and Showtime – New York – April 30,...

Bas Rutten Talks Kicking Opioid Addiction with the Help of Receptra CBD Oil

  One of the most decorated MMA champions and UFC Hall...

Roxy Astor Meets With GLOW…the Netflix Version

As much as people love drama, there was nothing but love...

Adult Continuity Comics on the Can Cultural Junk Drawer Future Comic Rock Stars Is That Racist? Revisiting the Reviled THAT'S NOT ROTTEN! The B-Reel The Cantina Scene This Week in Crowdfunding What the HELL Did I just...?
Adult Continuity Issue #13 – Avengers XXX – A porn parody

I review AvengersXXX and make masturbation jokes. Be smart with your Fapdollar(tm);...

Comics on the can – Black Panther (Priest run) Issue #46

Comics on the can muses about Black Panther during Priest's legendary...

MissionFest Wine, Craft Beer and Food Festival Takes Place 4th of July Weekend

MissionFest™ Wine, Craft Beer, Food and Music Festivals, combines two great...

Event News Event Reviews
KOEI TECMO America Announces Dead or Alive EVO Showdown 2018

KOEI TECMO America Announces Dead or Alive EVO Showdown 2018, A Celebration...

The Music Tastes Good Volume III Line Up Has Been Announced

Music Tastes Good Volume III, presented by 89.9 KCRW, Line Up has...

free comic book day
Free Manga from VIZ Media for Free Comic Book Day

TLDR: VIZ Media will provide free manga samplers on Free Comic...

Gaming Uncensored Toon-In-Talk
Gaming Uncensored: Year in Review 2016

A look back at the year in gaming. Related

Gaming Uncensored Roundtable: December 2016

December’s roundtable discusses story in games with Chad, Josh, and Spencer....

Gaming Uncensored: Podcast #349

Jamie reflects on some of his time with the HTC Vive....

Music Interviews Music News Music Reviews
Rising Country Music Artist Kaylin Roberson Talks About her work with St. Jude

Kaylin Roberson is a singer, songwriter and pianist from Raleigh, North...

MTV Unveils Performers for ‘TRL Live’ on October 3rd at 3 p.m. E.T.

NEW YORK, NY (September 26, 2017) – MTV today announced that...

Long Beach Punk Band ‘Spider’ Rocks ‘It’s Not Dead’ Festival

Spider is a heavy hitting punk band out of Long Beach,...

%d bloggers like this: