21 and a half world shattering reveals in Avengers; Infinity War! (#37 will SHOCK you)!

VANAPHASE™ the Vanadium powerhouse!

CULTURAL JUNKDRAWER

 

21 & A HALF THINGS REVEALED IN AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

(#37 WILL SHOCK YOU!)

 

Here we are on the eve of the most anticipated cinematic event since “Miss Congeniality 2: MORE Congeniality” was announced.

 

No, wait I need to go BIGGER!

 

Since “STAR WARS EPISODE ONE: THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF A LIFETIME” backed up lines at the multiplexes.

 

Never has a movie been SO anticipated and considered such a “SURE THING” that Marvel eschewed the traditional McDonalds happy meal promotional toy to lock in mortgage financing apps like Rocketmortgage.com

 

Own property while watching the galactic scale property damage of AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

 

Isn’t it strange that they have Iron Man as the lead character instead of a talking space racoon named Rocket as… never mind I answered my own question.

 

Other interesting marketing partners include such non-traditional movie tie-in brands as Ziploc, Geico, the commercialization wary… punk rock AF… GO-GURT and (in what is kind of a “well that’s obvious” head slapper) Infiniti autos. This is, in consideration, a metric for success and demographic penetration unheard of for a summer tentpole movie. Any talking fucking panda animated movie can swing a cheap plastic toy tie-in with a kids meal. Only the MCU can get the likes of Synchrony Bank to pony up capital to advertise by association. One would think that this (as my grandma called it) “funny book stuff” has an adult appeal. This is corporate synergy at its best!

 

What I’m getting at is this is big! So big, in fact, that I’m doing the whole column in bold just because!

 

Now I am obliged to point out that there could be spoilers here but seeing as how you’ve probably guessed this is a comedy article, probably not.

 

OR ARE THERE!?!?!?

 

So because it is my duty to cover such Geek Epic events and a blatantly mercenary bid for more clicks I’ve compiled this list of 21 and a half things revealed in AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR!

 

#21 ½ – There is a trailer for Ant Man and the Wasp before the movie begins (corporate synergy at work). Not a big surprise but Tom Holland wet himself when he saw it is!

 

#21 – Other Ice Cream flavors – We know Iron Man has “Stark-raving Hazelnut” but it’s also revealed that there is a “Gamma Rage pistachio” for Hulk, “Howard the Cold Duck” flavor and WAR MACHINE Vanilla with white chocolate chips which, TBH, kinda misses the mark there.

 

#20 – The bus that Peter Parker is on is coming back from a math olympics competition where the night before he got to touch boobs. In the interest of spoilers I’m not going to say WHO’S boobs.

 

#19 – Thanos’ original motivation for killing half of the universe was because he lost on Cake Wars. The flashback scene where Thanos melts Richard Ruskell is both terrifying and heartbreaking.

 

#18 – Rocket Racoon bites Ole Yeller and Star Lord has to put the poor dog down. Originally it was going to be Drax but Bautista has a six film contract. Disney corporate  synergy at its best.

 

#17 – In answer to my friend Bill’s question; No, Batman will not appear in Avengers: Infinity War! Bill: “But Batman is in comic books too, right?”

 

#16 – Loki comes out as genderfluid to Thor in an awkward moment. Thankfully Thor is off the hook for a response by Thanos attacking.

 

#15 – In a distinct lack of corporate synergy Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Punisher, Iron Fist, Luke Cage and The Agents of SHIELD don’t appear in Infinity War. I wonder why that is.

 

#14 – Wong’s favorite food is cheeseburgers. It’s just a throwaway line but keeps in with comic continuity.

 

#13 – Fleetwood Mac is launching a massive tour without Lindsey Buckingham. Technically they shouldn’t call themselves “Fleetwood Mac” in my opinion. Who’s gonna sing “Second Hand news” huh? What a gyp!

 

#12 – Captain America and Black Widow force Proxima Midnight to reveal Thanos’ evil plan by threatening her with a wet willy. Black Widow moistens her finger with saliva and coldly says “We don’t have to do this but we will.” and menacingly approaches a screaming Proxima.

 

#11 – Before Vision settles on looking like Paul Bettany he tried the forms of Thor, Captain America, Captain Jack Sparrow (corporate synergy) Pope John Paul the second, the Ed Norton version of Bruce Banner, Gilbert Gottfried, Jimmy  Stewart, Kool-Aid man and Captain Crunch. It was considered at the shooting of the movie (and corporate synergy) that Marvel Studios could never snag brands like Ziploc storage bags.

 

#10 – The Guardians of the galaxy and Thor stop off in an intergalactic diner for a hilarious scene. But if you look closely in the background you can see Darth Vader having a tuna melt with a Predator. This is Disney’s way of acknowledging its Fox acquisition and the beginning of the tremendous “Disney Shared universe” slate of movies which will give us Cinderella vs Aliens in early 2020, Goofy: Dark Lord of the Sith in late 2020,  Donald Duck vs Howard the duck in 2021 and an appearance by Galactus in Star Wars Episode IX. Corporate synergy guys!

 

#9 – The Infinity Stones go haywire during the final battle and there is a scene where Thanos meets Cable, Jonah Hex, a young Agent K, George W. Bush,  and Brand from “The Goonies”.

 

#8 – This movie will introduce the Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation which will become dreadfully important in Phase 4.

 

#7 – Doctor Strange and Everett Ross bump into each other, pause for a moment, then say nothing and go on about their business.

 

#6 – Due to overwhelming fan request (and corporate synergy) Disney’s “Condorman” will be incorporated into the MCU with this movie.


Well, they already have The Falcon, Mockingbird and The Vulture… Maybe we could have a hero called “Red Robin” and, in an act of corporate synergy, cross promote with the restaurant!

 

#5 – The massive climatic battle scene will be intercut with Hawkeye fixing his kitchen disposal, getting the mail, playing catch with his kids and having “Date Night” by taking his wife to Ruby Tuesday. Coincidentally, in an act of corporate synergy, Ruby Tuesday has a Marvel Menu right now.

 

#4 – Black Widow shoots Pepper Potts in the head when Pepper suggests Widow put a Jade egg in her vagina. It is later revealed that Pepper was a super-villain know as “Toxic Shock”.

 

#3 – The Cloak of levitation brings in a little extra cash by performing at kids birthday parties… as Wacko the clown! New heights of CGI are achieved as Cloak of Levitation makes a balloon Mickey Mouse (corporate synergy again)

 

#2 – Vincent for Disney’s “The Black Hole” cameos as H.E.R.B.I.E. teasing the return of the Fantastic Four! (Corporate Synergy: 9, Netflix Marvel Universe: 1)

 

#1 – Thanos escapes defeat in Wakanda by fleeing in his helicopter leaving a cliffhanger for Avengers 4.

 

YES! I CALLED IT MONTHS AGO!

 

There you go! I told you the reveals were earth shattering in a form of internet clickbait hyperbole! I hope I didn’t ruin your life by revealing spoilers like Tom Holland after eating too much cotton candy. This movie is truly EPIC and is the culmination of ten years of the Marvel brand attaining hitherto unknown heights of corporate synergy!

 

Enjoy!

 

Other titles considered: “Star Wars episode one: Maybe seeing it in crisp digital projection will make the experience bette… nope.” “Star Wars episode one: Here’s fucking JAR JAR!” “Star Wars episode one: Taking a Death Star sized dookie on a classic series.”

 

Some missed adult brand tie-in opportunities: Hitachi releases a limited edition purple and green “Vision” wand massager. Turkish Airlines could’ve saved face by having Tony Stark enjoying a flight and saying “When I’m not using my personal fleet of jets, helicopters or high tech super suits, which is never, I guess I’d use Turkish Airlines because I haven’t banged a turkish chick… yet. Suck on THAT Bruce Wayne!”, Raid ant-man ant traps, Limited edition green colored Viagra: “Be her Incredible HULK!” Volocoptor personal aircraft could have capitalized on Thanos’ helicopter mania (I’m so glad that was in the movie!). Syren latex clothing could’ve done a whole line tied into Marvel like Black Widow:

 

 

Hydra:

 

Typical Wednesday Madame Hydra look

 

Wakanda:

 

It’s a latex vibranium mesh. How versatile!

 

Creepy standard supervillain:

 

 DIdn’t know The Terror from The Tick had his own fetish line.

 

And Hulk: Sakarr nights:

 

Valkyrie I’m ready for my “Training”

 

Also Kellogg’s corn flakes. A lot of adults eat them.

 

In truth I would see the SHIT out of Donald vs Howard the duck movie!

 

Years ago I predicted a Howard the Duck movie for phase 4 but with H. Jon Benjamin (Archer) as the voice.

 

That Jade egg thing is or was really on Goop. Please don’t insert it anywhere in your body!

 

Neil DeGrasse Tyson once called The Black Hole “The most scientifically inaccurate movie ever!”

 

In a bow to Fanboy Nation’s own corporate synergy Read my breakdown of the first Infinity War trailer where I make Vision dick jokes.

And my essay on Age of Ultron, Identity politics and bird poop here

Oh fuck it! Here is a link to the Captain America Porn Parody too BOOM!

 

YogaOutlet.com

Leave a Reply

Animation/Anime Interviews Animation/Anime News Animation/Anime Reviews Film/TV Interviews Film/TV News Film/TV Review
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald Review
‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald’ Loses the Magic

Even though the Harry Potter saga ended seven years ago, there...

Ralph Breaks the Internet Review
A Robust Sense of Humor Makes ‘Ralph Breaks the Internet’ a Superior Sequel

2012’s Wreck-It Ralph was a brazen nostalgia play. Granted, it was...

Aaron Wolf Talks about His Movie ‘Restoring Tomorrow’

Filmmaker, Aaron Wolf spoke with us about his Oscar nominated documentary,...

Event News Event Reviews
Alt 98.7 Presents Big Adventure: Music, Comedy & Comic Con Festival, Nov 3-4 in Orange County

In less than a month, Alt 98.7 Presents Big Adventure makes its debut,...

The 9th Annual Brew HA HA Craft Beer Photo Gallery

Photos by FanboyNation Craft Beer Expert, Dave Warner. Related

Long Beach Comic Con Photo Gallery

Related

Enabled Gaming Gaming News Gaming Reviews
Taco Bell Xbox
The Newest Taco Bell Box is an Xbox – Your Chance to Win a Taco Bell Xbox

Taco Bell and Xbox are partnering up to give fans a chance...

Exclusive Track Premiere from Madden NFL 19!

(July 26, 2018 – Los Angeles, CA) – Lakeshore Records today...

Star Ocean Anamnesis
8.0/10
The Most Intuitively Fun Gameplay of Any Mobile RPG – Star Ocean Anamnesis Review

Star Ocean Anamnesis is hands down the most fun and intuitive gameplay...

Comic Creator Interviews Comic/Graphic Novel News Comic/Graphic Novel Reviews Manga News Manga Reviews Novel/Novella Author Interviews Novel/Novella News Novel/Novella Reviews
Stan Lee, the Co-Creator of the Marvel Universe, Dead at 95

According to reports earlier today, Stanley Martin Lieber aka Stan the...

Five Questions for Gary Morgenstein About ‘A Mound Over Hell’

Gary Morgenstein is a journalist, public relations expert and author with...

Ralph Breaks the Internet Graphic Novel
Dark Horse Disney Ralph Breaks the Internet Graphic Novel Revealed

Dark Horse reveals new original Disney Ralph Breaks the Internet Graphic...

Apparel/Personal Maintenance News Apparel/Personal Maintenance Reviews Entertainment Product News Entertainment Product Reviews Food/Beverage Reviews Hardware News Hardware Reviews Mystery Box News Mystery Box Reviews
Eagle Eyes
Protect Your Eyes with Eagle Eyes Glasses – Eagle Eyes TV Kit Review

Eagle Eyes TV Kit review – Feel the difference and get...

Nooligan Talks About His New DC Collectibles Batman Family Line

Visual Artist Nooligan uses the influences of his First Nation ancestry along...

DC Collectibles Brings Batman Dark Nights: Metal to Life

Straight from the pages of the bestselling DARK NIGHTS: METAL comics series comes...

Arena Football Automotives MMA, Kick Boxing & Boxing Professional Wrestling
Lion Fight Promotions Logo
Lion Fight 50 Full Results

November 3, 2018 – Los Angeles – Lion Fight Promotions presents...

PFL 9 Lightweight and Light Heavyweight Semi-Final Results From Long Beach

Saturday, October 13, 2018 – Professional Fighters League (PFL) 9 took...

NJPW Fighting Spirit Unleased Results

New Japan Pro Wrestling (NJPW) continues its West Coast domination with...

Adult Continuity Comics on the Can Cultural Junk Drawer Future Comic Rock Stars Is That Racist? Revisiting the Reviled THAT'S NOT ROTTEN! The B-Reel The Cantina Scene This Week in Crowdfunding What the HELL Did I just...?
Fantoy Comics presents: Harry Potter and the Cat Conjuring/Behold Tacocat!/Harry potter and the web of lies!

The next senses shattering episode of the increasingly subtitled Harry Potter...

Comics on the Can – Super Dinosaur

Comics on the can   Super Dinosaur   Writer – Robert...

Fantoy Comics Presents: Harry Potter and the Cat Conjuring/Behold Tacocat!/Harry Potter and the world wide web of lies!

The next exciting chapter in the seemingly endless Hrry Potter and...

Gaming Uncensored Toon-In-Talk
Coastal Commoners Ep 8 – Saying Farewell to Stan Lee

This week the commoner’s say farewell to Marvel Comics legend, Stan...

Coastal Commoners Ep 7 Mid-Term Elections!

Oh the headaches of elections and what can go wrong. We...

Coastal Commoners Ep 6 Synagogue Shooting and Antisemitism

This week on Coastal Commoners, Gary and R.C. discuss the Synagogue...

Music Interviews Music News Music Reviews
Deadpool 2 Vinyl Giveaway!

We are giving away a copy of Deadpool 2 Score Soundtrack on...

Crisis on Earth-X Soundtrack
Blake Neely Behind-the-Scenes Recording of Crisis on Earth-X Soundtrack

Check out this exclusive Behind-The-Scenes video with Blake Neely as he...

Rising Country Music Artist Kaylin Roberson Talks About her work with St. Jude

Kaylin Roberson is a singer, songwriter and pianist from Raleigh, North...

%d bloggers like this: