21 & A HALF THINGS REVEALED IN AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
(#37 WILL SHOCK YOU!)
Here we are on the eve of the most anticipated cinematic event since “Miss Congeniality 2: MORE Congeniality” was announced.
No, wait I need to go BIGGER!
Since “STAR WARS EPISODE ONE: THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF A LIFETIME” backed up lines at the multiplexes.
Never has a movie been SO anticipated and considered such a “SURE THING” that Marvel eschewed the traditional McDonalds happy meal promotional toy to lock in mortgage financing apps like Rocketmortgage.com
Own property while watching the galactic scale property damage of AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR
Isn’t it strange that they have Iron Man as the lead character instead of a talking space racoon named Rocket as… never mind I answered my own question.
Other interesting marketing partners include such non-traditional movie tie-in brands as Ziploc, Geico, the commercialization wary… punk rock AF… GO-GURT and (in what is kind of a “well that’s obvious” head slapper) Infiniti autos. This is, in consideration, a metric for success and demographic penetration unheard of for a summer tentpole movie. Any talking fucking panda animated movie can swing a cheap plastic toy tie-in with a kids meal. Only the MCU can get the likes of Synchrony Bank to pony up capital to advertise by association. One would think that this (as my grandma called it) “funny book stuff” has an adult appeal. This is corporate synergy at its best!
What I’m getting at is this is big! So big, in fact, that I’m doing the whole column in bold just because!
Now I am obliged to point out that there could be spoilers here but seeing as how you’ve probably guessed this is a comedy article, probably not.
OR ARE THERE!?!?!?
So because it is my duty to cover such Geek Epic events and a blatantly mercenary bid for more clicks I’ve compiled this list of 21 and a half things revealed in AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR!
#21 ½ – There is a trailer for Ant Man and the Wasp before the movie begins (corporate synergy at work). Not a big surprise but Tom Holland wet himself when he saw it is!
#21 – Other Ice Cream flavors – We know Iron Man has “Stark-raving Hazelnut” but it’s also revealed that there is a “Gamma Rage pistachio” for Hulk, “Howard the Cold Duck” flavor and WAR MACHINE Vanilla with white chocolate chips which, TBH, kinda misses the mark there.
#20 – The bus that Peter Parker is on is coming back from a math olympics competition where the night before he got to touch boobs. In the interest of spoilers I’m not going to say WHO’S boobs.
#19 – Thanos’ original motivation for killing half of the universe was because he lost on Cake Wars. The flashback scene where Thanos melts Richard Ruskell is both terrifying and heartbreaking.
#18 – Rocket Racoon bites Ole Yeller and Star Lord has to put the poor dog down. Originally it was going to be Drax but Bautista has a six film contract. Disney corporate synergy at its best.
#17 – In answer to my friend Bill’s question; No, Batman will not appear in Avengers: Infinity War! Bill: “But Batman is in comic books too, right?”
#16 – Loki comes out as genderfluid to Thor in an awkward moment. Thankfully Thor is off the hook for a response by Thanos attacking.
#15 – In a distinct lack of corporate synergy Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Punisher, Iron Fist, Luke Cage and The Agents of SHIELD don’t appear in Infinity War. I wonder why that is.
#14 – Wong’s favorite food is cheeseburgers. It’s just a throwaway line but keeps in with comic continuity.
#13 – Fleetwood Mac is launching a massive tour without Lindsey Buckingham. Technically they shouldn’t call themselves “Fleetwood Mac” in my opinion. Who’s gonna sing “Second Hand news” huh? What a gyp!
#12 – Captain America and Black Widow force Proxima Midnight to reveal Thanos’ evil plan by threatening her with a wet willy. Black Widow moistens her finger with saliva and coldly says “We don’t have to do this but we will.” and menacingly approaches a screaming Proxima.
#11 – Before Vision settles on looking like Paul Bettany he tried the forms of Thor, Captain America, Captain Jack Sparrow (corporate synergy) Pope John Paul the second, the Ed Norton version of Bruce Banner, Gilbert Gottfried, Jimmy Stewart, Kool-Aid man and Captain Crunch. It was considered at the shooting of the movie (and corporate synergy) that Marvel Studios could never snag brands like Ziploc storage bags.
#10 – The Guardians of the galaxy and Thor stop off in an intergalactic diner for a hilarious scene. But if you look closely in the background you can see Darth Vader having a tuna melt with a Predator. This is Disney’s way of acknowledging its Fox acquisition and the beginning of the tremendous “Disney Shared universe” slate of movies which will give us Cinderella vs Aliens in early 2020, Goofy: Dark Lord of the Sith in late 2020, Donald Duck vs Howard the duck in 2021 and an appearance by Galactus in Star Wars Episode IX. Corporate synergy guys!
#9 – The Infinity Stones go haywire during the final battle and there is a scene where Thanos meets Cable, Jonah Hex, a young Agent K, George W. Bush, and Brand from “The Goonies”.
#8 – This movie will introduce the Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation which will become dreadfully important in Phase 4.
#7 – Doctor Strange and Everett Ross bump into each other, pause for a moment, then say nothing and go on about their business.
#6 – Due to overwhelming fan request (and corporate synergy) Disney’s “Condorman” will be incorporated into the MCU with this movie.
Well, they already have The Falcon, Mockingbird and The Vulture… Maybe we could have a hero called “Red Robin” and, in an act of corporate synergy, cross promote with the restaurant!
#5 – The massive climatic battle scene will be intercut with Hawkeye fixing his kitchen disposal, getting the mail, playing catch with his kids and having “Date Night” by taking his wife to Ruby Tuesday. Coincidentally, in an act of corporate synergy, Ruby Tuesday has a Marvel Menu right now.
#4 – Black Widow shoots Pepper Potts in the head when Pepper suggests Widow put a Jade egg in her vagina. It is later revealed that Pepper was a super-villain know as “Toxic Shock”.
#3 – The Cloak of levitation brings in a little extra cash by performing at kids birthday parties… as Wacko the clown! New heights of CGI are achieved as Cloak of Levitation makes a balloon Mickey Mouse (corporate synergy again)
#2 – Vincent for Disney’s “The Black Hole” cameos as H.E.R.B.I.E. teasing the return of the Fantastic Four! (Corporate Synergy: 9, Netflix Marvel Universe: 1)
#1 – Thanos escapes defeat in Wakanda by fleeing in his helicopter leaving a cliffhanger for Avengers 4.
YES! I CALLED IT MONTHS AGO!
There you go! I told you the reveals were earth shattering in a form of internet clickbait hyperbole! I hope I didn’t ruin your life by revealing spoilers like Tom Holland after eating too much cotton candy. This movie is truly EPIC and is the culmination of ten years of the Marvel brand attaining hitherto unknown heights of corporate synergy!
Other titles considered: “Star Wars episode one: Maybe seeing it in crisp digital projection will make the experience bette… nope.” “Star Wars episode one: Here’s fucking JAR JAR!” “Star Wars episode one: Taking a Death Star sized dookie on a classic series.”
Some missed adult brand tie-in opportunities: Hitachi releases a limited edition purple and green “Vision” wand massager. Turkish Airlines could’ve saved face by having Tony Stark enjoying a flight and saying “When I’m not using my personal fleet of jets, helicopters or high tech super suits, which is never, I guess I’d use Turkish Airlines because I haven’t banged a turkish chick… yet. Suck on THAT Bruce Wayne!”, Raid ant-man ant traps, Limited edition green colored Viagra: “Be her Incredible HULK!” Volocoptor personal aircraft could have capitalized on Thanos’ helicopter mania (I’m so glad that was in the movie!). Syren latex clothing could’ve done a whole line tied into Marvel like Black Widow:
Typical Wednesday Madame Hydra look
It’s a latex vibranium mesh. How versatile!
Creepy standard supervillain:
DIdn’t know The Terror from The Tick had his own fetish line.
And Hulk: Sakarr nights:
Valkyrie I’m ready for my “Training”
Also Kellogg’s corn flakes. A lot of adults eat them.
In truth I would see the SHIT out of Donald vs Howard the duck movie!
Years ago I predicted a Howard the Duck movie for phase 4 but with H. Jon Benjamin (Archer) as the voice.
That Jade egg thing is or was really on Goop. Please don’t insert it anywhere in your body!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson once called The Black Hole “The most scientifically inaccurate movie ever!”
In a bow to Fanboy Nation’s own corporate synergy Read my breakdown of the first Infinity War trailer where I make Vision dick jokes.
And my essay on Age of Ultron, Identity politics and bird poop here
Oh fuck it! Here is a link to the Captain America Porn Parody too BOOM!